Settling

To say that I have a fear of commitment or a fear of marriage is not quite accurate. As Whitney once said, anyone who has ever seen me in a relationship will know that I don't have a problem with commitment. As another friend of mine observed, once I decide I'm in love, I march in all the troops so I have to be careful who I fall for.

If there is fear of anything, it would be of letting myself settle. I want to spend the rest of my time here on earth with a companion soul in a relationship that elevates us and brings out the best in us while giving us mutual understanding, respect, compassion and comfort. That is the only connection I am willing to have in a partner for the rest of my life. But I have yet to meet that person. Which is fine, because I can be pretty patient, and that person will be worth the wait.

I know I settle in dating and relationships. Because I seek out companionship when I'm lonely or bored, to pass the time until I find that connection I'm looking for. Every relationship I've ever had has been some form of settling, some worse than others. I've dated guys just for access to sex. I've dated guys just to have the comfort of a warm body to sleep next to during cold winters. I've dated guys because they were mental distractions. I've even dated a really ugly guy from the inside out and the outside in, a bad person whom I didn't respect and whose principles and energy I often hated, just to see if maybe there was a human being somewhere deep down inside, because I don't like to think that people can really be that ugly. Yes, last year was a complete embarrassment. And all my friends and family made sure to tell me so during both our our time together and after. But I think it was one of those things I had to go through, just to understand that bad people can't be saved, and I really shouldn't be trying.

I hate break ups and if I know something's not going to work out, it's really pointless to get totally involved. I enjoy living life without a companion because I spend a lot of time quietly observing the world and promoting better understanding of it within myself and to the world at large. I have a great group of friends, and even though I get lonely every once in a while, I find that the universe will even send me kind strangers with infectious smiles sometimes, to lift me up when I'm down. So I always feel like I'm on the right path and don't have to feel the need to be in control and force something that I'll regret later. If that connection comes along someday, that would be great, but if it doesn't, I'll still lead a fulfilled life, exploring everything that is under the surface of our world and communicating the things I see and feel. I'm not going to waste opening up the channels of true intimacy and soul exchange with someone who doesn't deserve it or doesn't understand what he's getting and thus, doesn't understand how to give.

There have only been two people in my life with whom I felt that connection. I had relationships with neither, because I wasn't ready with the first one, and the second one isn't available. But it's good that I met them. It's like the universe was letting me know what I'm looking for. So I think I'm close. And knowing that keeps me focused on the connection that will make me fulfilled, while recognizing the connections that will ultimately lead to disappointment and heartache on both sides if I commit myself for a lifetime to someone who is not my spiritual life partner.