11/11 Recap

It's getting harder and harder to remember everyone I've ever met's birthday. That used to be my Rain Man ability. But it seems like, as I progress further on this journey that is life, the people I've met along the way start to fade away, moving closer and closer to the dark edges of my memory until one day, they'll fall off into oblivion and I won't be able to remember if they ever existed at all.

What happens when we get old? And we want to remember these people who have been in our lives, either as featured players or as extras, and we just can't? Is it like the phantom itch that terrorizes amputees? A burning itch that can't be soothed because it's not really there? What happens when you can't remember all of the people you have loved over a lifetime, even though you desperately want to hold onto them, if only in the cherishing reaches of your mind? What about the ones you have loved over many lifetimes?

I feel like I'm going through life trying to remember this incredible love I once had, a long, long time ago. And I search the eyes of everyone I meet hoping to find something that will help me remember. I am so close to remembering...what it is...who it is...who I am...this knowledge is so close to reaching the clarity of light sometimes that I think I am on the brink of deciphering the language and purpose of my life, but then it dissipates just as it's about to take form, receding back into the shadows of my mind. It's like spending a life time on the verge of sneezing, but never actually getting enough momentum for the relief of release.

Torturous.

But could I abandon this quest, and live a happy life having never solved this great personal, private mystery? No. It would always be in the back of my mind, causing unrest in the deepest levels of my soul. So it's what I do. I'm trying my best. And I'm meeting a lot of interesting characters along the way.

Don't give up on me just yet. I'm still capable of some surprises.

Today's Mood: To understand life, one must understand the ocean...