Weekend Recap

This weekend I passed on a trip to Vegas with my cousins. One of my cousins is getting married in Vegas, doing the shotgun Elvis thing, since they were planning on getting the certificate anyway before having the actual ceremony sometime in the future, so they figured they may as well just do something fun. Now, it seems kind of foolish that I would pass on this trip since my cousins are wild when it comes to partying, despite the fact that they're all married. And since my dad has requested that I not go to clubs by myself, this would have been a great opportunity to hit some dance clubs with a solid, fun crew. Who like the good stuff when it comes to drinking (read: Patron!!) and usually cover the bill.

But then I figured, I spent so much money last month that I should probably take things easy this month. And I'm feeling bad about not really doing that much writing this week. But probably the biggest reason of all, is that I know that this situation has all the makings of me going nuts. The last time I hung out with my cousins resulted in some scandalous pictures and a wild night that, if my cousins have indeed failed me and let it get back to my dad, gives him good reason to think what he thinks about my lifestyle. On one hand, I could try to control myself. On the other hand, the truth is I won't. I do not have a good prudency record when I go out of town. Especially when my cousins serve as my wingmen.

So I passed. And part of me didn't want to. But part of me knew I should.

Sometimes I wish I could be a guy. Only because, society's double standards when it comes to certain things are ridiculous. Completely in favor of men. And it pisses me off and frustrates the hell out of me.

So this weekend was pretty quiet. Just perfect. Went to the gym. Read. Watched basketball. Got a lot of writing done. Went to the Rose Bowl Flea Market this morning. I like to look at people's stuff. Just trying to figure out the stories that they tell about the people they belonged to. Especially old things. You can feel the energy in belongings sometimes.

I picked up some photography prints that were great. What I liked about them, was that the photographer understood loneliness. He captured its essence. And that jived with me. If there's one way to describe me, it would be "Loneliness Personified." I'm drawn to lonely people because it's the frequency of my soul vibration and what I understand. I know how to speak their language, and they welcome me because they can tell I truly understand that deep emptiness that often defies words, but that has such great meaning and purpose. That loneliness feeds my life force. It's something I thrive on, that makes me seek the deeper meanings of things, to understand. Sometimes I feel like forcing companionship on this plane is just a Band-Aid. You never face the fact that by being compartmentalized inside a human body, you are to a degree, disconnected from the group soul, what it is that we all belong to, from which we came and to which we seek to return. And trying to merge with another person is a ritualized act in an effort to fill that existential emptiness by reconnection, though it's the equivalent of life as experienced on a stage with actors and affected emotions versus real life. And we know it. We can't fool ourselves, though we desperately try. It's synthetic. It's artificial. It's ALMOST it. It almost scratches that persistent itch, but not quite. And we don't know why. So we're disappointed. But we don't know why. And then we blame ourselves, our partners, the relationship, this human life that is so unfair. And that attitude, in itself, is unfair.

The problem is absolutely not the need for companionship and support. We all most definitely need that and it is vital to our well-being and our life purposes. But it's when people cling to each other, expect other people to fill that void, to efface that "lack" deep within them, that things become problematic.

Can't we accept that it's not about yourself and other people on this plane, but about your journey? A bigger journey than all that is contained on this little planet, third from the sun? The most dangerous thing about looking for things on this plane to fill that void is that it's so easy to become tragically complacent about our deeper search. To ignore the journey.

I've found myself to be quite reluctant in parting ways with loneliness. I feel like, losing my deep-seated loneliness would be like losing my dark, brooding companion who keeps me safe during the darkest hour of night, who drives me to dive into the deepest parts of people's souls, through their pain and suffering, to bring back the knowledge that would bring them peace. It feels like losing my loneliness would in essence, be losing my life purpose. And I wouldn't be able to live without that.