Naked

It suddenly hit me today.

My blog is an extension of me. It's my way of tentatively testing the world to see how it reacts to a "real me," which is secretly a milder, simulated me, before I risk my true self in the world outside. Just trying to learn how to feel safe and not be afraid of the world.

I guess all this time, in terms of all the people I've never met who comment, I've never really been able to visualize you as real people, having entire beautiful, dimensional universes of your own. That was just too overwhelming for me. You were almost like abstract people, almost voices in my head, characters in an imagined reality. Because a life of loneliness is like a life of being always on the run, creating your own reality because you're playing this game all by yourself and if you rest, you might just find out there's nothing there. And deep down, you wonder if it's possible that there might be people who understand you out there. Like life on other planets, you know? You're afraid to hope, but deep down, you would do anything for that to be true.

But to really think about all of you guys as real people, scattered all around this great expanse, who somehow feel connected through my writing by a sense of mutual existence.....wow.

Is it possible?

That there exists true understanding of each soul in this world?

And that in fact, each and every one of us is never alone?

Is it really possible to be able to reach out and touch people, even if in your mind, you can only see them as faceless, shadowed forms yet undoubtedly, kindred spirits?

Life is so amazing. There are so many days that I want to pause, take a moment to just appreciate how amazing and full and vibrant life is. The act of living and being in a world that is living. The feeling is so huge it challenges the notion of infinity. But it feels like the world doesn't allow for that. Our world makes us focus on day to day mundane living, giving us no room to appreciate everything else that makes up life, our universe.

But then the day that someone opens your cage and makes you realize there's a world out there? It changes your life.

We all live in our little cages. The cruelest joke is that we can see how to open the cages of others, but never how to open the cages which have trapped ourselves.

Sometimes I feel like there are two types of people in life. Those who refuse to let go of hope of escape from their own personal cages, and those who resolve to make the best of their caged life, embracing a narrowed vision of the world and convincing themselves that this is all that exists. Sometimes the lines are divided very closely along the division between the logical left brainer and the flighty artistic right brainer. But I'd rather have hope for me. A chance to glimpse what's out there. Of heaven.

Okay, I'm totally streaming tonight. I've been on a strict diet and exercise regime and tonight I let myself have a glass of red wine (for antioxidants!) and here I am. Lightweight drunk. No not really. But that's my excuse if tomorrow morning, I reread this post and find that I've been streaming about inappropriate things again (read: my sex life).

What's it like hanging out with Geminis? I think if you just keep in mind that all these contradicting personalities are really just different expressions of a multi-directional but overall, integrated being, then it's okay.

Hey ex boyfriend who recently got in touch with me. Were you referring to me when you mentioned "stormy women?" Well...I never promised you a rose garden...

Speaking of old memories and my going through life on auto-pilot. When Drew and I were breaking up, I told him a couple of times, "You just can't corral the human heart to where it doesn't want to go." What did I mean? Was I telling him that I didn't love him? Or was I telling him that it was okay to admit that he didn't love me?

Why is it I can have entire conversations with people and say things that seem loaded with subtext, but I'm the only one who doesn't get the subtext? Who the hell is using my mouth???

By the way, I made these turkey patties today with ground turkey, fresh chopped basil, cilantro and mint, bread crumbs, garlic, lime and chili garlic sauce, and they turned out really well.

If you're an old friend of mine who stumbles upon this site, or even if you're someone who's been in my life, even casually, who's hiding in the shadows, drop me a line and say what's up. A lot of old friends have gotten in touch with me by stumbling upon my site so that's been really awesome. I like to hear how people's lives progress past the point in which our lives had connected.

Anyway, I'm off to do something other than sit in front of the computer. Like go into my room and listen to music by candlelight. Yeah, it's what I like to do. Lay off.

No more games, please...you're hurting me.