A Desperate Cry for Help

So I'm still seeing that psychohypnotist and it's doing wonders in helping me stay on track with writing (I have a problem with getting easily discouraged). I've had 3 sessions and so far, the changes have been quite noticeable in how I feel and in my creativity. But there's still one area of my life where I act like a goddam idiot.

So I went in yesterday and she asked me what I would like help with today. I told her about Coffee Bean Guy. How I want to have a conversation with him but I'm completely freaked out and won't even look at him, even though he always looks at me. That it's not so much about him anymore, but about why I get so freaked out when I'm actually interested in someone. I have no problems approaching guys, asking guys out, etc., but if I like you, chances are, I probably won't even talk to you or look at you. In fact, I may even run away. What am I...4 years old? Fuck.

So of course, I shot myself in the foot because her homework assignment for me this week was to talk to him. I told her hell no. She said, he obviously is interested in you but is too shy. I gave her my evidence to the contrary:

1. He talks to everyone. He seems to know everyone who goes there.
2. He's willing to say hi, how are you, but he doesn't start a conversation. Maybe all he wants to say is hi how are you, and doesn't have an interest in talking.
3. He may be married or in a relationship, which is why he can't technically initiate a conversation with me.

She looked me in the eye and said, your homework assignment is to talk to him. You're going to challenge yourself.

So today I got up at 6am, went to the gym and hit the Coffee Bean at 8am, giving me half an hour before work. Also, he seems to always be talking to someone if I get there at 8:15, so I figure I'll catch him when he's alone. I park and see that his car is in the lot. Game on!

Here's the play by play:

I walk in and see that indeed, he's sitting by himself, reading the newspaper. I've bought a newspaper outside as my prop. He looks up, sees me, looks down quickly. Looks up again. We make eye contact. We both smile.

I get in line. I notice he gets up and goes to the bathroom. [I anticipate that his game plan is: He goes to the bathroom. I buy my coffee. By the time he comes out, I'll be standing by the coffee accessories area waiting for my drink which is between the bathroom and his table so he'll walk by right in front of me]. I have to suppress nervous giggles. I order my drink, stand at the accessories area. Indeed, he comes out of the bathroom, walks by and says, "Hi, how are you." (good offense anticipation, Julia!) But he says it kind of gruff and doesn't really stop as he says it (as usual). Suddenly my confidence plummets. What if that's all he really wants to say? What if he's just being polite? What if he doesn't really want to talk to me? What if he knows I have a thing for him because maybe I'm the one who's always looking and he's just fanning his ego? DAMN. Now I'm terrified.

He goes back to his table but instead of sitting down, he gets his cup and goes to the counter for a refill. Hmmm. I figure this may be the 2nd-down play. Because once he gets his coffee, he'll have to go to the accessories area, which is where I am, giving him another chance to talk to me. Sounds possible right? So I regroup my muster and indeed, he follows the anticipated play. I see him coming and we make eye contact, but WHAT? I quickly look down and BURY my head in the newspaper. Now he's putting stuff in his coffee less than 2 feet away from me. And come hell or high water, I am NOT. LOOKING. UP. So he sits back down just as my drink is ready.

My confidence is shot now. I don't know what to do. I'm thoroughly confused. But I know I have one more chance. There are two empty tables next to him. One is jammed between his and another woman's and has newspapers on the chair and empty cups on the table. Not a good choice, as I would also have to squeeze into that space, and I can be very clumsy when I'm nervous. The other one is a tiny round table with the chair angled at him. The table is touching his, so I would be sitting damn near on top of him. There's another table next to that one somewhat further away, about 6 feet away from his but it seems more of a natural choice, if I weren't stalking him. But it has a lot of crap on the table. So...what would the logical choice be? I honest couldn't tell. I was so scared of looking like I was purposely sitting next to him and therefore, stalking him, that I decided to take the table that was NOT next to him. So he watched me walking back and forth, getting napkins to clean up the table.

I noticed he was reading the basketball page of the sports section when I walked by after cleaning the table. Now, who knows about basketball more than me??????? Good God, I can talk for hours about the NBA! I can tell you every player's stats, strengths & weaknesses and astrological sign!! In fact, he was reading about Rudy T. resigning and I had the perfect conversation starter--"So who do you think is gonna take over the Lakers?" It was so EASY!

But I was too scared at this point. He saw me staring at his paper as I walked by. Why was I staring at his paper? Because I knew he had looked up and was watching me, and I was afraid to make eye contact. So I sat down and buried myself in my own sports section.

We glanced at each other a few times. Then some girl sat down at the table in between us (the one touching his) and started talking to him. He left abruptly at 8:25, which is about what time I needed to leave to get to work. Yes, he announced his departure loudly. But I figure I'm assuming too much if he did it to let me know he was leaving. So I had to leave too since I need to be at work at 8:30. But by the time I made my way out of the parking lot, he was already pulling out.

Status: MISSION FAILED (due to dumbfuckery)

Somebody, help me. Do I show up at 8 again tomorrow and try again? Or is he going to think I'm stalking him?