My Post on Craig's List (2/08/05)
aka A Rant About Crushing Down, Supply & Demand, the Lustfest That Is the Modern Day Coffee Chain, and Ugly Men & the Women Who Love Them

I've noticed something strange. You get a group of people who are confined to the same place for enough time, and a sexual hierarchy forms. Suddenly members of the opposite sex you wouldn't normally give the time of day to become absolutely coveted because they're the best of a raggedy bunch.

What I mean is this. I went to a small high school which didn't have a lot of goodlooking guys. The goodlooking ones were given god-like status, the okay but funny ones had their pick of girls, and even the nasty ones got girls. And we would seriously FIGHT over them. And then we graduated and realized, whoa...there are other guys out there, and we look back and wonder, what the hell were we thinking????

Same thing happens in offices. You work at a small office. There are only two single ladies--one is average in every way (maybe even really boring), the other is fat, hairy and has a severe hygiene problem...the guys in the office will go APESHIT over the better looking girl, just because within the available pool, she's the best choice and pickin's are slim.

You get what I'm sayin'?

So I go to the same coffee chain every morning and sit for about 45 minutes trying to swallow my hatred for work before I actually go in. One day, while idly watching the people in the shop, I noticed that the dynamic was at play here. Over the months, I've noticed one single man who is about 40 and decent-looking. He's not someone you would notice on the streets or someone who would wow your friends if you brought him home. But what works to his advantage, is that he's in there EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. At about the same time. There are other people who are there every day, but of the men who aren't wearing wedding bands, he's the only one who isn't old, ugly or homeless.

I've started feeling like an anthropologist watching the mating ritual of baboons, as I've gotten into the hobby of observing the dynamic that is at play. The thing is...women are ALWAYS hitting on him. And sometimes he pays attention to them, and sometimes he coyly ignores them, and it seems to drive the ladies crazy. They watch him and approach him and flirt with him like he's a celebrity, when if you take him outside of the confines of the coffee shop and placed him in a larger pool of available males, he would NOT be the top pick. He's a 3rd or 4th rounder at best. These girls even get a bit competitive with each other. I've witnessed many an evil eye directed at whatever particular pretty lady is getting his attention by one who is not. And what's sadder is that these girls aren't ugly. These women aren't desperate recent divorcees (though some of them seem like it). These are women who should be out of his league, or girls who are too young to really want him for anything other than playing out some weird getting-daddy's-attention deal.

So...why, people, why? You are coffee shop groupies. Please cease and desist. Because...it's weird.

It's like people get so crazy competitive when put in one place that they have to get the alpha male/female, even if that person isn't an alpha in the grand scheme of the world.

I admit, I've fallen prey to this. I've worked in an office where there was only 1 single guy and about 20 girls so we all fought over him and he managed to sleep with a large percentage of the office. And then someone from "the outside" met him and said, "THAT'S him?" And later admitted that he was kind of butt ugly. He shouldn't have been able to get any of us, but lucked out by placing himself in an arena where supply was devastatingly lower than demand.

I'm just saying...if you find yourself lusting after someone who by all necessary criteria isn't in your league, someone you would probably be embarrassed taking home to your friends or family, just BREATHE, baby, and imagine if this person would still be attractive to you outside of the confined setting and amongst the general population. If the answer is no, then stop feeding the monster! You're just bored. Do a crossword puzzle. It'll save you the embarrassment of actually catching what you shouldn't have been chasing in the first place.