I'm going to three weddings this year. Sounds like 2005 is a festive year. I like weddings. I always cry at them.

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I'm currently reading Emergence: The Connected Lives of Ants, Brains, Cities, and Software . If you know me, then you know about my obsession with the symbolic value of ants. I just feel like if we examine ants and their society as well as how limited their perspective seems in our eyes, we can understand our place in the world and the infinite expanses and layers of the universe, both in macro and micro degrees of reality. I just started this book and it talks about all the things I've always obsessed about since I was a kid--how mathematics is the key to things, how randomness is actually made up of interactions between groups of mathematical equations, and it seems random because of our limited perspective of only a small portion of the "rules" (programming) at play, how, if we created a cross-disciplinary think tank of artists, philosophers, psychologists, mathematicians, physicists, linguists, biologists, etc....we would be able to unravel the big question of, what is existence. I highly recommend this book (even though I'm only on Chapter 1). If anyone reads it, I want to talk to you about it! I think I want to visit the woman up at Stanford that I just read about who studies ants and has really intriguing observations about their culture and society. They have complete urban-esque infrastructure to their colonies.

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Biggest Celebrity Sighting Ever (no pun intended)

I just went to El Cholo with Nate, his girlfriend and Plumb. We sat next to...Jared from Subway. Now, there is NOTHING on El Cholo's menu that is 6 grams of fat or less, or possibly 60 grams or less. I got some questions for you, Jared. Me and the rest of the American public. Subway, my ass. Lipo, more like it.

I was asking Plumb if he thought Jared was some kind of weight-Nazi. Like, after having gone through the near-impossible task of losing 200 pounds, if he was hyper aware of other people's fat and could look at a person and say, "You OBVIOUSLY have no self-discipline." So I made sure to suck in my stomach when I walked by. (no, not really)

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The Taurus called today. I was surprisingly surprised. I guess I've been talking myself into thinking he's just a player because it's safer to think that way. This whole trust thing that I've said I'm going to try to do...it's kind of scary. What if I pick the wrong guy to trust? I mean, there are guys who are obvious good guys. Like Jake is an obvious good guy. Even if things don't work out on a relationship level, you still know that deep down, you can trust them because they're decent, kind people. I don't really know the Taurus well. I've known him for over a year but always felt he was too flirty to be a good person. That he must be a player, and players hurt me. Plus, I don't trust anyone who works in the film industry. But in truth, I don't know this guy so I may as well find out. He could surprise me and be a great person, or he could disappoint me and be a jerk. I'm spending so much energy trying to not spend energy analyzing, because I feel like it's a waste to sitting around wondering rather than finding out. It's scary though. God, this trust thing. It's like learning how to walk again. The fear of failing is worse than any actual failure, yet you would think that just knowing that would squelch the fear. You've just gotta approach things with a sense of adventure.

I went out once a few years ago with this one guy I thought I could really like. We went out to dinner and it was a blast, but I wasn't sure if he was interested on a friendship level or a romantic one. So I just stopped answering his calls or calling him back. It didn't make sense at the time, it doesn't make sense in hindsight, but I think I went into full protective mode. Perhaps dating someone I could actually like feels like a scarier predicament than dating someone I don't, because the former presents the possibility of a rejection that could actually hurt, while the latter leaves you to wallow in complete apathy about the outcome of the dance. Funny. He kind of called me on it one day when I talked to him on the phone, saying that he was wondering if I was avoiding him. And I give him mad props for calling me on my weirdness, because my behavior was definitely strange. I hope one day I'll meet a guy who can just grab me by the metaphorical collar and sit me down, and tell me to relax--everything's gonna be alright...no one's out to hurt you. I think that as long as no one can catch me, no one can hurt me. But maybe standing still, relaxing and letting myself be caught can be alright, too.

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My Evaluation From My Grade School Teacher:

--She's too fast for the girls, but the boys are too rough for her. Handwriting is very poor.

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The downside of stream of consciousing everything is that I end up with typos that make me look really dumb. I wish I were as interested in rereading the things I write so I can check for mistakes as I am in spewing this stuff out of my head.