I Found My Heart in San Francisco



From time to time, I travel to different cities to attend trade shows for work. Our biggest trade show of the year is this automotive trade show held in San Francisco this year. I've never been to this show and was booked to attend last year, but I ended up going to the Super Bowl instead. Usually, trade shows evoke mixed feelings. On one hand, I get to travel to a different city, and I get a per diem. On the hand, I have to attend a trade show. This means aching feet, married middle-aged midwesterners staring at my chest and the millions of millions of chances that someone stumps me with a technical question and I faint from sheer discombobulation while I spin frantically trying to pull an answer out of my ass. Sometimes I wish I had the power to instantly distract people with something shiny. This tactic certainly works on me.


In terms of this show, most of my major clients are in the automotive industry so I talk to these people on a weekly basis. I've never met most of them, so I try to imagine how they look in my head when I'm on the phone with them...a gravelly voice with a slow Texan accent I see as Colonel Sanders. The impatient, cold voice I see as a wall street type with dead eyes, and the warm, cute voices I think of as a suit with a blindspot where the head is, because I imagine these guys being the kind of guys who, if I looked over and saw them in a crowded bar, they would take my breath away. I don't know what this kind of guy would look like, so I leave it up to discovery.

I was more excited than usual about this trade show because I was about to finally meet these people and find out who these people really are, the faces behind the curtain. There were a few clients that I have particular warm feelings towards, so I was really excited to finally meet them.

I flew in to San Jose a day early so I could go to the Warriors game with my family. They lost to the Bulls who were short Hinrich, Deng and Gordon, which was unbelievably disappointing. This was also Webber's debut, and knowing this, Baron's first play was a lob pass to Webber ahead of the "fast" break. My God. If that man wasn't moving in slow motion, then I must be smoking crack. He looked shocked that he suddenly had the ball in his hands, and even more shocked that he was ahead of the break, meaning he had the sole responsibility of delivering the ball into the hoop. Like a first-day participant of fat camp, he laboriously stomped his way to the basket and missed the lay up. The entire stadium was really hoping he would be some sort of answer. After the game, the commentators were saying that it's going to take a few games for Webber to adjust to the team so we couldn't judge him based on tonight's performance. I think there's a lot of hope in this city, and we really want to see this signing work, no matter what the facts might turn out to be. Let's hope for both parties (the team/fans and Webber), it works out.

The next day, I had to get up early to take Michael to work and then head out to the convention center. He came and woke me up and I asked for ten more minutes. He came back after he ate breakfast and I asked for ten more minutes. He came back after he was showered and ready to go, and I asked for 10 more minutes. He said, "Julia, I'm late for work. Dad's gone. Mom's gone. You're my last hope." He said it so earnestly. I laughed and told him, "Then I better get up and take you to work!"

I dropped him off and was sad to do it. It's always so hard to say goodbye to Michael. I headed out to SF, picked up my coworker, and we set out to the convention center to set up the booth. I'll tell you, I hate setting up the booth, and I hate tearing it down. It stresses me out.


I checked into the hotel and headed back home for a Chinese New Year's dinner with my family. Okay, amendment. I was supposed to have taken BART home and picked Michael up at the gym, but I got sidetracked by my discovery of H&M's, and spent an hour shopping, only to realize Michael was stranded at the gym. Jesus, I'm such a negligent person sometimes.

We had dinner at my aunt's house and the highlight of the night was explaining a Blame the Dog t-shirt with a picture of a dog and a mushroom cloud coming out of its ass, to my 5 year old and 3 year old cousins. They now know how to say fart in Chinese which cracks them up to no end.


I had to take Bart back to SF in the middle of the night, getting in shortly before 1am. Looked at the show schedule, realized I had to be up by 5:45 am. Was miserable.


Day One.

At the King George Hotel in Union Square, they sometimes might offer you hot water for your showers. After taking a lukewarm to cool shower, I told the front desk and the guy looked at me and said sheepishly, "Hmm...well, ah...I don't know. I think we should have hot water today." Are there some days without hot water? I chalk it up to the mercury retrograde and head out to the show.

Our booth neighbors:


Directly across from us is a guy who looks like Phil Hartman with 20 more years of heavy drinking. He tried to get people into his booth like a circus barker. Yelling flirtatious nonsensical things at passing attendees, telling them that he wanted to tell them a secret, etc. He was kind of annoying but kind of captivating like a fender bender on the freeway that you're pissed at for blocking up traffic but which you'll still gawk at. The funniest thing was, the one time he actually got someone in his booth and was doing his sales pitch, we accidentally sent a miniature Nerf football flying into his booth, right between him and his customer. We were horrified. Amazingly, he didn't miss a beat and continued the pitch. I think we could have bounced it off his head and he wouldn't have noticed. He was an intense salesman who had lured the lamb to his lair.


Next to him was a father-daughter combo selling logo-ed teddy bears. We thought she was 7. I saw her drinking coffee and I almost wanted to go over and say in a trust me because I'm an adult and have the right to patronize tone, "A young girl like you shouldn't drink coffee." But later we found out she's actully in her 20's. And that God told her that her life purpose was not to sell teddy bears, but to work with orphaned children in China.

Next to us was a software company out of Orange County and they were cool. A tall brutha in that booth had a thing for me, so he spent a lot of time staring and making conversation. My coworker thought a girl in their booth was hot, and the two were trying to orchestrate a trade to trade me for her. I got mad about it. You better at least be getting an All-Star and a lottery pick for me. It better not be a freaking expiring contract.

The first day was busy, and our entire executive team was there to take some potential investors around to meet our customers. I wanted to go with my boss to meet my customers but he said I had to stay with the booth. I felt like I had been brought to Disneyland, but told to stay in the car. I was pissed. Later, I found out from a customer that they basically ambushed him and told him that we had investors and to tell them what they loved about us. My customer was joking and nice about it, but he said he felt totally put on the spot but he did a good job of covering and saying that everything was working and great. I think he said some nice things about me because the investor came up to me and said he was very impressed because everywhere he went, when they asked who their account manager was, they all said it was me, and they all seemed to love me. That was amazingly validating.


I had to stay with the booth for most of the day, though we did have lunch at California Pizza Kitchen where a random woman next to me regaled me with stories about an amazing dinner party she once attended in Aspen with the founders of CPK. She even insisted I take a sip out of her sangria. It was kind of weird, but also kind of comfortable.

I met one of my customers who I knew is a young guy who went to U. of M. Once we had found this out a few years ago, I had actually googled him and found an old college website of his, so I knew what he looked like. It was great to meet him and he even gave me a hug and said he felt like we'd known each other for a long time. I was a little intimidated because he's very smart and technical. So of course, I got shy.

My mom, Michael and Jason met me at the convention center after the show and we took Bart to the Oracle to see the Warriors play the Kings. Two great things happened. 1. This obnoxious Kings fan next to us got so excited about a play, he accidentally poured his beer on a coach's head. I looked over and the guy's back was all wet and his hair matted with beer. He looked like he might jump up and murder this guy once the shock passed. Then he screamed at the guy something about putting the beer away you damn fucking lush. They made up later, but here's the way I see it. If you showed up to work like every other day, and you're wearing a nice suit. You're going about your day, minding your own business and out of nowhere, you suddenly get doused on the head with cold beer...yeah, you'd be a little surprised and pissed.



2. This girl stole one of the player's Gatorade from the bin behind the bench, and the same coach told her to come back and return it. She turned around like she didn't know what he was talking about, then dropped it and the whole thing broke, sending a river of Gatorade cascading down the steps. She was really obnoxious. They threw her out, and she wouldn't go, grabbing on to seats, and doing this jellyfish act. She seemed drunk at first, but then we realized she was probably on X, because she was touching everything and everyone on her way out, even made a grab for the players. Really messed up fans tonight.

I get back. Can't find my coworker so I just go out. Head to that one bar with the giant Tiki God. Had a $7 Blue Hawaiian. Can't believe how much less expensive drinks are out here. Hate the crowd. Head to Kell's which I have had great experiences in and I wanted to see if it's as good as I remember. On the way, had a homeless man tell me I'm beautiful and if I wanted to go back to his house. You'll love it, he says. It's outside.

Kell's is packed and have a couple of vodka tonics ($7 again! Unbelievable). Met a young Asian guy who wanted to turn pro as a surfer. He was kind of purposely laidback to the point of being obnoxious. He came up and started a conversation but then I turned him down when he asked me to dance (I just didn't want to dance with HIM). Later, we ran into each other and chatted, and he told me it's too bad we have nothing in common, because I'm focused on work and he's focused on life. I'm sorry...what? He got all that from my saying that I'm in town for work?

This other Asian guy had been following me around and I kept evading him because I didn't want him to talk to me. He caught me when I sat down, and his pick up went like this. He said he wanted to ask me a questions, and one question only. He said he wanted to know what I thought of a guy who still had a picture of his ex, becuase his friend's girlfriend was uncomfortable about it. I asked him where his friend kept the picture and he said, in a photo album. I said, so what's the problem? He said that she was really jealous about it and his friend didn't know what he should do. I told him, I think your friend should be an adult and figure out his own problems. The guy was talking to me but he was dumb. Really aggressive but dumb. I even got up and tried to ditch him by talking to other people, but he would just be aggressive towards them because he didn't want them to be cooler than him. I decided I wanted to go home, so I told him I was leaving, but he wanted to walk me out. I said I was okay, but he insisted on leaving with me. So I just told him, I have a boyfriend. He said, well, is he here? If not, what's the problem. I said, "He's black. And he's angry." I turned my head and the guy was gone.



Day Two


I woke up excited. Today I was going to meet my clients. In particular, there was one client I wanted to meet because I'd been working closely with him, and I liked the sound of his voice. He sounded really cute and we had an easy, fun relationship. I had asked my coworker who visited them for me at the show last year what he looked like and he said he was young, cute in a I'm trying to be hip but I'm a nerd kind of way. So I'm thinking a New York, artsy/techie creative type who's cute but approachable. Totally my type. So I've been totally psyched about meeting him. Maybe he's the one. Maybe he'll complete me. Maybe we'll have cute mixed baby's together with exotic names raised on organic baby food. Maybe we'll wear matching scarves when it's cold outside.

My boss had met him a day before and upon his return, he cryptically told me that my customer really, really wanted to meet me. I had butterflies. Maybe the excitement was mutual? I tentatively asked my boss, "He's young right?" He replied, "He's skinny. Like toothpick skinny. Super super super skinny. And he looks just like [our balding engineer]. Except he's half his size. So he's basically a really skinny version of [our balding engineer]. And he's older." My stomach drops. My hopes are dashed. What the fuck did my coworker talk to? It didn't sound like my client.


So I visit the clients I know first, then finally, head over to the one I had been most excited about. I didn't even bother looking at name tags. I just looked for the the skinniest person I could find, apprehensive, not willing to give up all the imagined good feelings and romantic possibilities that have psychically passed between us as we've built our business relationship despite never having spoken of anything remotely personal. But it was all there. I swear I'm not delusional. Well, at least about this.

He saw me before I saw him. I was walking by and he was with a customer, but he must have had really good eyes to catch my name tag, but he smiled and waved. I'll tell you, I could kill my coworker because his description of this guy was nothing like what he looked like. He looked a lot older and was indeed how my boss described. But still, there was something very warm and familiar about him and his smile, like we'd been friends forever and it was great to meet up again. I lied when I got back to the booth and told my coworker I was pissed at him for misleading me about the way this guy looks and getting my hopes up. But to be honest with you, I wasn't disappointed.

He pantomimed for me to wait, but I pointed at my list and mouthed that I would come back. We stood there, smiling at each other and I reached out my hand to shake his. "I'm really glad to finally meet you," I said with a big, genuinely happy smile. The flash of the gold band on his ring finger did not go unnoticed.

I went back a few hours later with one of our executives but he wasn't there. He had invited me to a party they were hosting via email the week before, so we picked up our party passes and left.

I met a few more customers, and the day was overall uneventful. Our CTO complimented me that I would be good at tech support because my thinking is very logical, and I took that as a high compliment from an engineer. One of my customers looks like Lt. Dangle on Reno 911, so I couldn't help but keep cracking jokes with him because I expected him to appreciate humor. He's a pretty serious guy and the owner of a major company so the jokes felt as inappropriate as they did compulsive, but he warmed up and that was a good feeling. I was in a really good mood, and it was affecting people.

On our way out of the convention center, I heard someone call my name. I turned around and it was my client running up to me. How does he manage to sense me? He's got a good radar for me, considering how good I am about being in stealth mode. He apologized for not having had time to meet me, and I told him not to worry, I'd come back but he wasn't there. I told him we'd picked up our party badges so I would see him tonight. He was happy that we were coming and it was good. A good, warm, happy feeling.

I took my coworker to get a foot massage, then we had dinner at a place in Chinatown with a damn cool fishtank (there's a little yellow fish that looks like a slug that I loved) and good food. We got to the party fashionably late, and I started with a Patron shot and graduated to tequila and coke, something an armyman I'd met in Cancun had taught me. A few minutes in, we ran into my client. I spent a while chatting with him, but I didn't want to monopolize his time and I also wanted to check out the rest of the club, so I told him, "Well, I'm sure you've got a lot of people to talk to so I won't take up all of your time." I was surprised when he said, "No, I don't really." Oh. So stayed and chatted some more. When my coworker got bored and declared he was going to check out the floor downstairs, I told my client I was going to go with him. He kind of looked a little offended, like I was politely saying I didn't want to talk, so I told him I would see him around. I did not fail to notice his wedding ring did not make it to the party.

The place had 4 rooms with different types of music, acts (dancers, contortionists) and open bars. We met up with our VP of business development who I constantly bump heads with, and our CTO. Our CTO is from Israel and declared that it's impossible to get him drunk. So I ordered him a quadruple whiskey. We hung out for a big and I pointed out a cougar with fake tits dancing on this stage to our CTO. He declared that he had no idea I was so cool. I asked him why he wouldn't think I was cool. He said that in the office, I'm so professional. haha. I told him, I'm a Gemini. I am definitely at least two distinct people.

I left the guys in this one room because they were gawking at girls and bumped into another one of my clients. I was in mid-conversation with him when he kisses me. Just a peck. I say, "Oh, okay." He tells me that he comes to LA a lot and stays at this hotel by the beach, and if the next time he comes, if I'll come have drinks with him at his hotel. "Just you and I?" I ask him, apprehensively. "Yeah," he says. Oh crap, I think. "Thanks, but my boyfriend's getting tired of all my late night client meetings," I simultaneously joke and lie. I know it kind of implies that I usually *would* sleep with my clients but my (fictional) boyfriend is tired of it, but I don't care. That was the best way I came up with to get out of that situation.

I move to another dance floor and bump into my wedding-band less client again. He caught me in conversation and we ended up talking for the rest of the night. He was funny and interesting...I was impressed by how fast his wits were. He wanted to know how old I was so I asked him how old he was. We had a little stand off so I asked him what his Chinese zodiac was to guess the year. Then we found out we were both born in June, though he's a Cancer and I'm a Gemini. He told me that he shared a birthday with George Michael. I said, "No way! I share a birthday with Boy George! Maybe your gay and my gay can get together and schedule a public restroom rendezvous." It was surprisingly comfortable and easy. I was pretty sure he was feeling me, and at least intellectually, I was feeling him. The party was ending so he said that a group of them were going to hit another bar and that I should come. I told him I had to find my coworkers and ask them, and he told me that he just say my coworkers leave so I should just go with him. I quickly say, "No they didn't." We're kind of quiet for a while and he says, "I'm sorry. I just lied." Like he felt bad. I say, "I know." He asks me how I knew. "Because your heart rate elevated and your pupils dilated," I say, really dryly. His eyes get wide and he says, "Really???"
"No!" I laugh, "I don't have Terminator vision. But it'd be really cool if I did."

I end up finding my coworkers and we head to another bar and meet up with my client. But while we're getting drinks, my client says that everyone is actually going to move to another bar. I tell him we're already getting drinks so we're gonna stay, so I say goodbye to him. Meanwhile, I'm still ordering triple whiskeys for my CTO who's wasted but claiming he's not. That night, I learned that this douchebag I work with thinks that I'm a bitch to him at the office because we have sexual tension. Gross. I told him, "I'm a bitch to you sometimes because you waste my time. Don't come into my office if you're just going to waste my time. It's that simple." And then he held my hand in the taxi ride back. WTF.

My other coworker told me that I'd be dangerous if I really let loose my feminine side.

That's the secret. I'm tough and I'm strong and I'm fast. It weeds out the cowards who might think they have a chance with me. And after that, when I meet someone who has courage and is also intelligent and a good person, I'll show him everything. I'll show him what it is these guys get a glimpse of and want to own so badly. So don't think this facade is all calculated. I know what kind of power I have inside me, and I recognize that it's special. I only want to give it to people who deserve it or need it. People who are good people.

Day Three.

Okay, tequila and coke is not okay. I couldn't even stand straight up in the shower this morning. I got up an hour early but it took me close to two to shower and get dressed. I had to lay back down for a few minutes. My coworker waited for me and we cabbed down to the convention center late. Luckily someone else was there to cover but it was a rough morning. I'm sure it was rougher for my CTO, who had to drive into Silicon Valley with the partners, and who I had pumped about 15 shots of whiskey into the night before (later, apparently our president told my coworker that if we ever deliver our CTO to him in that kind of condition again, he'd kill us. My coworker was nice enough not to mention it was mostly my doing). We made it through the morning, I had some chicken soup for lunch, found out this really cute guy I had been feeling the day before and had looked for all day had actually come back seemingly looking for me, and I'd missed him. So dark haired guy from San Diego whose warm, brown eyes I was swimming in as I fucked up my demo nervously, I want to date you.

I met with my client from the night before to give him a demo, and he was once again wearing his wedding band. Triiiicky....After the demo, I thought that was that. He'd been totally professional so I figured the night before had just been my delusion. But then afterwards, he asked me what I was doing that night. I said I was going to a Warriors game. He told me to call his cell if I did anything afterwards.

After the show, I got a call from Rie who lives in Lodi. She drove over a couple of hours and we had dinner in North Beach. It was great to see her and she gave me a red kimono from Japan. I told her I would wear it to the show and seduce all the middle-aged bald businessmen.

She gave me a ride to Oracle and I met up with my family for the Warriors game. They almost got beat by the Wizards but made an amazing rally in the final minutes of the game. Said goodbye, headed back for Bart. Michael almost followed me back to Bart for SF. That kid loves me, and I love him.

My coworker calls me and tells me to call my client to find out about any parties for that night. I text him and he said there's nothing going on. I say there's an Irish pub that looks like it's hopping, but it's mostly people from the show. He says he's staying in. I write him back for him to have a great trip home, but I guess he didn't get it, because he texts me and asks me if I'm ignoring him because he's staying in, and that it's not nice. I call him and tell him I had texted him a nice message but he hadn't gotten it. We talk for a bit and I wish him a safe trip back.

That whole thing was strange. I wasn't physically attracted to him, I knew he's married which is something I don't go near because it's complicated and not ethical. But talking to him was almost like talking to an old friend. It was very happy and comfortable. I'm a little nervous about how it will be when I have to call him for work. I hope it's not awkward and I hope I can conduct myself professionally. I hate losing my reference point...how familiar I should behave with someone given the situation. I have this problem because I see inside people so easily, that I can get familiar/intimate with them fast. But then in the light of day, it's hard to remember at what level our relationship actually stands in a logical sense. I wish I didn't make things so complicated.

Day Four.

The show was slow. The dark-haired guy never came back. Now I can only hope he calls me because he has my card, if only because I want to refer him to one of my customers so I can strengthen that relationship by giving them a favor. We pack up, I drop my coworker off in Chinatown, buy some pastries (egg tarts, fruit tarts) for my family, and drive home. Michael wanted me home by 4:30 to take him to the gym, and he was so happy when I got there. The housekeeper told me he'd been waiting for me all day by the window. Man, I don't know how that makes me feel. I guess happy because I'm glad I didn't let him down. I take him to the gym and I see Jason playing basketball, so I run through some shooting drills with him. He's too nice. He needs a mean streak. If I could give him mine, he might really have a shot at college ball. The kid is 6-7 with the silkiest jumper and NBA 3-point range. Just no heart or killer instinct. Sweet through and through.

I ride the bike with Michael while he cools down and then we head home. My mom talks to me again about my job search up in the bay area. I think I really loved San Francisco, but I'm still not sure I could see myself living up here. The parking situation, how everything is done mostly by walking, I like walking, but when I'm in a hurry, I don't like it. I don't know yet. I really don't know yet. I think for me to make a decision, I have to see it as a solid future, like a psychic looking ahead. And I still haven't been able to materialize a solid image in my mind of where I see myself next year. Maybe I have to wait for other things to fall in order.

Overall, an empowering trip. Empowering to be in the bay area, empowering to have such great customer feedback, empowering to see the results of my hard work and sacrifice. Also, to meet a strong connection gives me inspiration, even if it's not romantic. Like they say, maybe it's karmic. But it's electricity, and that's what I feed off of.

I feel like over the last 8-9 months, I've been growing stronger, but in San Francisco this weekend, I finally got a heart, like the lion in Wizard of Oz. I finally realized how strong I am, and how much courage I actually am capable of. I need to translate that courage into leadership. I think I am finally ready.