I live a pretty chill secret life. All I need is some good music, some trust in my iTunes shuffle, a fire going in the fireplace as I sit in the dark, and a whole night free for stream of consciousness as inspired by music.

Now playing: Silent Treatment - The Roots

I went out dancing tonight. Told Brian I was going to see There Will Be Blood but when I got to the theater, I just couldn't make myself park my car. So I made a u-turn and went to Zanzibar, which is really where I wanted to go tonight. They spin hip hop, funk, r&b and house on Sundays, and I've been trying to make it out for years. Had a Kurant/tonic and people watched for a bit. Met a guy named David who wanted to dance. Lied and said I'd sprained my ankle playing basketball. Word?, he said. How'd you do it? I dunked on someone, I said. He wanted me to dance with him but I was friendly but kind of ignored him. He introduced me to his friends. They stood around me and I realized it made me look like I'd shown up with a big black entourage. I excused myself to get another drink. White guys have no rhythm but I still have this urge to gun for them. One guy looked like Chris Evans. I was down. Had a moment at the bar, then danced on my own. Caught him eyeing me but looked like the type who needs liquid courage. Meanwhile, turned down a brutha who claimed he'd seen me 2 weeks ago at Firecracker. In fact, I was at Firecracker. But he couldn't pin down what I was wearing so I accused him of not being able to tell Asian girls apart. He said he could then said, "You're mixed, right?" No, I say. I'm full. He thinks. "Korean?" Nope, I say. That's 3 strikes...you're out. I really just wanted to dance by myself so I turned him down politely again and danced on my own. Dumb white guy came up. Asked me what my name was. I told him I didn't remember. He asked me, how cute are you. What's the rating system, I asked. A good one, he said. How cute are you? You already asked me that, I said. Where are you from?, he asked. Everywhere, I said. He looked at me blankly. How cute are you, he says. Go away, I say.

I stay for about an hour dancing with myself. Guys are looking and for the most part, they left me alone. I wanted to stay longer but I figured, let's leave on a good note. So I headed out, head buzzing with a successful night out.

Now playing: Rock you - Roots

I don't know what to do. I recognize that I'd have to sacrifice certain things if I want to be more engaged with people. But I really love my time alone. That's when a lot of incredible things happen. I love kicking down walls. I have always been naughty at heart.

Now playing: Like I Love You - Justin Timberlake

It's time I get back to writing. I realized last night, I do not work for a producer. The producer works for me. That's the relationship that I need because in the end, I need to be the decisionmaker.

Now playing: Reptile - NIN

I wouldn't mind being a robot, living in some converted warehouse loft downtown with exposed electrical wiring. I would just host parties with the craziest people I could manage to gather in one room. I would give them lots of drugs and then watch them duke it out. I wouldn't be scared of the sheer collective insanity of these parties because I would be a robot. So nothing penetrates me. But if Marilyn Manson showed up, I would call him a dork. I would call him a big dork poser, and he would probably cry, because he's really not that confident in himself.

Now playing: She Wants to Move - N.E.R.D.

I like to dance alone because it's hard for me to find good dance partners that I feel comfortable enough with to sync up. And I love watching good dancers. One thing I hate about Clippers games is their dance team. They're like a JV team and inevitably every game, there will be at least one girl who goes the wrong way. I love it.

Now playing: Queer - Garbage

Oh, this song. I always said this is my stripper song. It tickles something inside of me that just feels so diiiiirty. I'm sure there are all kinds of implications if you psychoanalyze it, but I've offered it up many times as a theory and at the end of the day, if you get involved it means you're dirty, too....so why not. This song is second on this album only to Milk. I think I've probably logged hundreds of hours my senior year of high school with this album playing on my computer as I chatted with strangers online. That was a weird period of my life. I don't know how someone could be so simultaneously naive and such an asshole. Gemini's, I guess. "You can touch me if you want..."

Now playing: Last Girl on Earth - Supreme Beings of Leisure

Why did I rush through college the way I did? I was really frustrated. My family was falling apart and there was so much drama I had to come back and handle it. And then that whole thing with that guy who wasn't worth it, and my needing to prove to the assholes on the newspaper that I was smarter than them. Man, I was so emotional back then. So I made that decision. I would definitely have wished I were as chill as I am now back then. I think I would have had a lot more fun and really gained confidence in my capabilities. But you know...you make it work. Every decision in life, you make it work. Because there's no alternative. There was definitely a different energy in my house five years ago than now. I've gotta work on the arrangement to ease the energy so it's a chill place again.

Now playing: The New Polution - Beck

I listened to this album so much my freshman year in college. I remember coming home for the holidays and finding out Beck was playing with the Eels and some other people in this ensemble concert, so I didn't even know where the Cow Palace was, but I got in my car, started driving and found it. I always had that knack. I had never attended concerts alone before that and it was really cool. I enjoyed the music, and the fact I was having this amazing experience that no one else knew about. I got an autograph on a postcard from E from the Eels, but in the mess of the dance floor, I dropped it. It didn't really matter to me, though. Beck was insane, with his white sequined jumpsuit and crazy bass player. It didn't occur to me until the drive home that it might have been dangerous to have driven so far to go to a concert by myself without telling anyone. I guess I'm like that. The sense of adventure outweighs any fears.

Now playing: Dream Machine - Mark Farina

I fare so much better when I'm out of town. I'm much more social and open. I wonder if it has to do with feeling so out of place in LA, so I feel very self-conscious. I wonder if I'll fare better moving to the bay area, or I'll find out I'm just as shy up there as I am here or anywhere. How the hell can I be so outgoing and yet, so shy? Engage me in conversation and I'm the brightest, most excited person there. But try to get to know me and it's a stumbling retreat. I'm just so careful in choosing the people I let get close to me.

Now playing: Tone 10 - Takumi Kato

This song is boring.

Now playing: Blisters On My Brain - Lo-Fidelity Allstars

I've been trying to cuss less. I recognize it's passive aggressive and something I developed since being frustrated with work. It's a bad habit though.

Now playing: Six Feet Under Main Theme - Photek

One of the best shows ever. It taught me a lot about life and relating to others. Fantastic production and acting. Introduced me to Sia's solo work.

Now playing: Your Ghost - Kristin Hersh

The ghost story I was writing...I never finished it. I just kept getting scared going there. Until I had an even scarier ghost dream. Maybe that world will seem safer now.