Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.
-Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
doc just called and said i need shoulder surgery. i knew it was coming. just sad because i'm in the best shape of my life and my basketball game has gone to a new level the last couple of weeks. now, i just have to focus on the positive (i'll be able to throw! god, i've missed that feeling), and that this is just another opportunity to prove my resilience and toughness, and to get myself back in even better shape than i ever have before.
i hope the scars are small. i rather like my arms and shoulders as is.
11 hours of sleep last night. peaceful, comforting dreams of being with my family on vacation. us bonding together. us against the others. this is a good sign.
in my dream last night we were at some kind of carnival food court and in some areas, there were vampires but i wasn't afraid of them. i walk amongst them, i speak their language. my soul is as old as they, but my needs are different. so in this place, i felt safe.
i walked up to a crowded booth, and waited. behind me, this skinny, impatient girl with stringy brown hair kept pushing at my back, pushing her crotch onto me and i hate it when girls do that. why do straight girls sexually harass me? this happens all the time in real life. so she kept pushing me, and i wanted to turn around and shove her to the ground because i knew that i was stronger than her, and more pointedly, i'm more ferocious. you ever see me rip off my mask and show what i am behind? if the world only knew the level of restraint i exercise, because force is not the way, especially when you know you're stronger, deeper, more energetic than others. so finally, i pushed back, not hard enough to push her down, but enough to hold my ground and not let her move me. and she wasn't strong enough to overcome me and i could feel her pushing and becoming frustrated. while this was going on, i didn't have an expression and remained calm, zen, even though i was fuming inside. i think somehow the woman behind the counter noticed, and she leaned in and whispered, "There are a lot of idiots in this world," and told that girl to get out of line, that she wouldn't be served.
that was a good feeling. the situation was handled well. i earned the woman's respect.
in the end, i think that woman behind the counter was another of the old breed. the ones who are both human and something older, wiser, tying the past, present and future together in one space. she recognized me and i recognized her and it was a peaceful feeling.
when i woke up, i felt better than i have in a while. i felt the dream wanted to tell me that i'm not alone. that our time will come.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
goddam this is bullshit. laying awake at night, wondering shit. worrying about shit. every time i see a missed call from my parents, i worry. every time the phone rings in the middle of the night, my heart jumps into my throat. i wanna throttle those wrong numbers...they have no idea the hell they put me through. but there's nothing tangible there, no basis for the fear except that i know, one day, i will lose the ones i love.
is that any excuse to keep people away, because one more person let into my inner circle means one more person who will someday devastate me with loss when they're gone? one more person who may or may not hurt when i'm gone? why am i so fucking sensitive.
you've gotta know though, most days i don't think about these things. they're programs that run invisibly in the background, and only hit my consciousness sometimes as faded fragments of uncomfortable dreams. but on nights like these, everything just crowds in and camps.
i could be great, or i could be so much wasted potential. i know what i need to unlock my potential, but these things remain elusive. i know that i'm learning how to be patient, to jump when it's time to jump, to wait when it's time to wait. but it's the fear that gets me, the fear that finds me on the darkest of night and laughs from the corner where i can't see him.
tonight, i'm thinking about someone from a long time ago. am i still burning a candle for him? every single other day i would laugh. but then nights like these...i can sit alone, hold my head in my hands and wonder, why...why would it even matter to me when i don't matter to him, and in the grand scheme of things, our lives don't even meet. we never even dated. we were never even romantic. it's been over 10 years. but why, at the sight of his picture, does it twist a razor inside my stomach. maybe because it reminds me of a lost, angry pathetic me, one that was so lost in a world without punctuation or reprieve. maybe i'm still angry at myself for a wasted youth so adrift...always running, running, running like a scared little girl.
the last few months i've been at the peak of my power. stronger and more magnetic than i've ever thought i would achieve. and the price...loneliness. i am powerful because i am alone. left alone to my own devices, i thrive. but give me that distraction, that taste of human companionship, and i crumble. my knees shake. my insides quiver and suddenly...i have so much need. i have so much love i want to give. so much love i want to take. and then suddenly i'm going around in circles until my mind dies of starvation and neglect. but my heart is heavy and full with that push/pull of being fed but being left even hungrier.
i'm lonely. i'm so fucking lonely. i'm so fucking lonely i can barely stand myself. but sometimes, it's being around people that makes me feel even more isolated. even more misunderstood. even more empty, like a black, expansive sky just waiting to be filled when everything that falls into it just gets consumed before it hits the ground.
what is this, god? what is this that i can't find another person who speaks my language and can help me translate my own truth to myself? i need help. i've done everything you've asked me to do, and will continue to do so, every assignment, every illumination that others need, even if it relegates me into a reflection or shadow. but i need you to do one thing for me. i'm not a fucking martyr. i never signed up to be a martyr. it's because the world doesn't need it. it needs a leader. it needs truth. i'm not here to give to others until they bleed me dry. what good would that do anyone? i want to be a positive force, to help, to nurture and guide, but i have my own needs as well which i refuse to deny. i need to be understood. please, i need to be understood. i need someone i can trust to help me understand myself and the full extent of things, before i can understand the true nature of this world.
i decided to search my blog for the word "space" to find what clues Past Julia left for me.
i found this: http://3amwanderer.blogspot.com/2004/07/paradox-potential-i-was-sitting-and.html
first of all, why do i feel like i was smarter in the past? 2004 was a smart year.
secondly, how the hell did i forget that i had already learned not to ask for a soulmate? then perhaps most of 2008's debacle could have been avoided. but then i reread my post about that fateful day last year. i quote myself:
"but i also remember the one word that resoundedly landed in my head.
Crap."
so how was it, i knew that very day this guy was "not my dude," that this wasn't where i was supposed to be, but then i forgot? i didn't trust my first instincts. the same as the fact i dated a guy for 2 1/2 years that i didn't want to date in the first place. but when i look back in hindsight, i did "need" those experiences. i did grow, and learn, and become a better version of myself than i had been before those experiences, as painful as they were and as hard as they make my eyes roll these days. so what does that mean? trust first instincts and avoid these fated but devastating interactions? or bite the bullet and go through them?
lately i've been really good about listening to that voice in my head that says, "not your dude," or "crap." people try to convince me. i had one guy alternate between writing me long love letters about how we were meant to be and make each other strong, but i'm just scared, and being angry at me for being so unwilling to "try." but i know he's not my dude because i recognize the initial feelings as one that says "this isn't it." so i kinda want to wait for the feeling that tells me, "hmmm...maybe" instead of "Crap." but if i'm disciplined enough not to bite at bait, will i get what i'm ultimately searching for? or do i have to go through the crap and learn before i get it?
my gut tells me i've been through the crap. my gut tells me to wait.
but then why do i feel so bad when i can't let guys who are not my dude get close? maybe that's it. maybe i have to be okay with not giving to everyone who asks, to prove that the one i finally give to is the one i really want to give to because it's right, not because on some level, i just felt obligated.
b gave me a sleeping pill last night because i've been sleeping so poorly. i was still waking up in the middle of the night, but it didn't feel so jarring and it was easier to fall back to sleep. i did find that every time i woke up, i would hug my pillow like it was another person. i think on some level, i'm lonely.
today hasn't been very eventful which in a way, i'm somewhat relieved for even though it's not over yet. i woke up early to run an errand, but i do have to say i'm a little disappointed in people for not being able to keep a secret.
went and played basketball and got yelled at by my coach because i played half-court 4's with these older guys and they didn't have much body control. went 3 for 6 (2 drives/1 mid-range, missed 3 outside shots). I'm playing more in control, can hit the pull-up jump shot, but to be honest, the more people on the floor, i still worry about feet and am careful about getting hurt.
i think the rest helped because i'm not as melancholy. but i'm not feeling completely here.
Monday, July 20, 2009
got to be careful. i've got the the new moon eclipsing the sun right around my 12th house venus which means karmic ghosts coming to light. the moon wins, meaning emotions tied to the past will be stirred up. my mood dropped off a cliff this morning after a restless night where i kept waking up in fear as i had no idea where i was nor who i am. i have to reset.
the snake will continue eating its own tail until it consumes itself if it does not regenerate.
you may think you're moving in circles if you find yourself back in a similar spot, but just remember that if you have moved in a circle, you are not the same person returning to this spot as you were when you previously left. the key is in what is changed or accumulated. it may be a test. it may be an opportunity. it may be a sign post.
more than anything, i really, really need a friend who can help understand my process and the information i'm gathering. i've been going to places and seeing and feeling things that i know with the greatest of certainty to be true, but i'm finding it hard to interpret everything alone without a reflection.
i'm losing myself now. it's probably a very good time to be getting away, though going back to fremont is not the best place.
i just wish people would trust me more, even when they believe there's room to sway me. i can be indecisive and my open-mindedness can be taken advantage of, but my first instincts are usually truthful and it would probably benefit not just me, but the people around me, if they didn't work so hard to talk me out of them. almost everything i say is the truth, as accurately and comprehensively as i can pinpoint at a present time. just how much i show depends on how much a given audience is willing to take in, or capable of taking in. i don't want to mince words anymore. i wish i could just say things exactly as they appear. i'm tired of translating when i should just be communicating.
i've been thinking a lot about cassandra, who was cursed to know the future but no one would believe her. i've been thinking that if you tell people and they don't understand you or believe you, then STOP TELLING THEM ANYTHING. don't waste your energy unless it's for the people who are willing to listen. maybe the people you're supposed to be talking to are the people who already have their door half-opened and are willing to gain something, instead of looking first and foremost to deny. on the whole, i've been pretty lucky about finding open-minded people, and i have to remember to stick to that path and not get discouraged.
i have to get 10 hours of sleep today. i need to be strong for tomorrow.
email to muskrat:
Remember how we were talking about the part in Blink with the study of people with autism, and how they were most interested in the light switches?
I was at a bar today and felt super autistic because everyone who walked in, man or woman, i went, butt - legs - shoes. I couldn't stop. I saw so many butts and legs and shoes today.
last night at the other room, there was a moment where i felt i needed to make a decision and this song came on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-67tBPHA_8U
i knew it because i'd just downloaded the album and had only listened to a few songs, but so far this was the song i liked.
name of the band? phoenix.
it just keeps repeating itself. phoenix tattoo. phoenix suns. phoenix at the greek. phoenix when i need the direction.
i revere the moon, but i honor and serve the number 9. and who is 9 in goddess form but the phoenix. and who is the goddess but 9.
my trust level. it's the only thing that holds me to people. i need someone who can simultaneously appeal to extremes. if you knew the intensity of energy coarsing through me, then you would know why i need someone strong in a very specific way. i've managed to polarize myself to generate energy. and i've stayed grounded throughout this process. but i think i would like to output now with someone's help.
once upon a time i fell in love with something that was an illusion, and i've been haunted by it ever since.
i see the most beautiful faces under the moonlight. but i don't believe any of them are real.
i sleep my hopes and dreams. i wake to a recurring nightmare of the most familiar things slipping through my hands.
sunday was a bright day...yesterday...
all failsafes are working. i trust them. when the right one comes along, his very nature will compromise them without realizing they were there in the first place. my secrets are excalibur--unlocked by the one who is pure of heart. that's the beauty of this system. i assume that i use a form of predictive memory...memories are implanted so that feelings of triggered memory or familiarity despite logical reason lead me to attach "significance" to a person or encounter. these are how i choose what to follow and whom to connect with. im still learning which are real triggers, and having tolerance that some parts of the path illuminated by triggers are not always rewarding. it's about persistence and determination to build my perspective until i can recognize the ultimate picture. i understand that life is training my instincts and sight right now.
where does my power come from? my core, of course. what is my core?
the things i never gave away. the me that believes in truth. the me that is the truth. my faith. my innocence. my belief that i will someday find those keys. and the man they belong to.
he holds my knowledge.
what did batman need?
1. unlimited financial resources
2. alfred - a caretaker/mentor
3. a polarity - batman was a point of light in a world of darkness. batman was a point of darkness in a world of light. in fact, we all are. it's like the moon--at different times, from different perspectives, we view it differently. but it is still the same. you get from it what you need. batman needed an inverted reflection. shadow and light. light and shadow. does the mirror know it's the reflection?
4. peers
i'm close.
When you came in the air went out. And every shadow filled out with doubt. I don't know who you think you are but before the night is through...I wanna do bad things with you.
my darkness. my light. i taste it all.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
first of all, chris titus presents himself beautifully. i've been thinking about stand-up.
second.
i love the way the night envelopes pretty things.
third.
i have to let go of everything. that's the thing. having the discipline not to promise away anything.
it's easy for me to do a lot of things. but right now, what's most important is to be strong and wait.
fourth.
my perspective is being challenged. i've never experienced before, a time of such great certainty paired with such great uncertainty.
I am certain of myself. Everything else, it's hard to tell what's real.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
the well (a ghost story)
i thought about the men i'd known over the years who were always toeing the line, their wedding bands mysteriously absent, sometimes leaning in too closely to whisper in my ear at late night industry parties featuring primal rhythms and open bars, subtly enhaling my scent so dangerously close to where a woman's jaw, neck and ear meet to form the perfect storm.
some were more accustomed to the dark than others...you could tell by the shine of their eyes they were used to getting their way. and as with honey, no matter what corner, they could always find me.
that dark, mysterious, complicatedly uncomplicated place where a man goes to stand at the edge of a moonlit well as his wife and children sleep soundly at home, that place where the point of no return is a lot closer than he arrogantly believes... that place. that edge of oblivion. that place is where i live. and i sit quietly, waiting.
i see them on moonlit nights, looking for a game to test their might but not really believing what they wager can truly be lost. they come as shadows, in pompous suits and damp, naked fingers, asking for directions when they know exactly where they are.
i look them in the eye
and a grin begins to crawl
creeping through the room like a dangerous seduction
as she leans in
her cool fingers draped dangerously on his arm
(the last stop) whispering,
are you sure this is where you want to be?
as something inside flicks its tongue over the razor's edge glinting shadows within the darkness.
the good ones always turn back.
Friday, July 10, 2009
if you looked at how much the people around me love me, you would understand how much I've put into the lives of the people I love.
when I think about life, I feel I would rather be strong and build, even if that means my time in this world will be shorter, but I will go forth with open eyes and an open heart, and in giving, I hope some day to receive something very specific--a summit.
The whole encapsulated view.
Sun in the Eleventh House 11th hs
You have a natural desire and ability to turn yourself into an eminently desirable partner for almost anyone you meet.
yes, it's quite a skill, isn't it? at least it couldn't belong to a sweeter person. don't hate. if you're a good person, you could gain from it. i'm generous by nature. but please be honorable and don't take advantage of the openness.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
the sun's going down. tonight's a full moon and i want to go out but i don't know where yet.
if happiness were water, i'd never run dry
i'm very happy right now, very in love with life.
if loneliness were a flower, it would wither and die...
i think a lot of it has to do with being strong, self-contained and single.
i don't want to give it up right now.
i don't want to give up myself, my power.
my biggest weakness...oh that sweetness i get a taste of and it becomes my whole world. i feel like i finally got the last round out of my system and am strong again.
so now...tabula rasa.
love? sex? can there really be a beneficial balance when i give it so much power? when it takes so much power from me? i don't know. i'm not ready to find out yet.
and one day when you are loaded to the brim with poetry, tense with trying to hold every drop without spilling over, let yourself topple the cup and empty yourself of everything.
i will when i'm ready.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
So I ran into Missed Connections guy.
I was at this bar, wrapping up a crazy 3 hour conversation with this hipster who had been sitting next to me, when I decided, I had not really effectively people watched. That there was someone else I needed to talk to. So after a conversation that took us through number theory and him telling me that tonight was one of the most amazing nights of his life, that he had run into the only girl he had ever loved earlier in the evening and was feeling alone like no one understood him when I sat down next to him. And because I'm me and because of the way I speak, he felt truly understood, like someone on the outside could see him, so it meant he wasn't disappearing. He said that because I had so much faith in this search for whatever it is I'm searching for, it gave him hope that there was someone out there perfect for him, someone whom, when you're on your deathbed, you think about them and say, my life has been happy ever since the moment I met you. We started talking about my life and I told him I was looking for my Alfred, the loyal right-hand man who makes sure Batman can be Batman. He was telling me that while I wanted an Alfred, Alfred can take care of me but I will never see him as my partner. We talked for a while, but at some point I realized that I'd spent the whole night in this conversation, and something made me feel there was someone else I needed to talk to. So I told him that I'm actually supposed to meet someone tonight.
Who?, he asked.
I don't know, I said.
What do you mean you don't know?
My life is like that, I said. Once, I dropped a hat into the ocean and I watched it sink into the darkness. And I've always thought, if I ever find that hat again, even if I'm 80 years-old and walking on the beach an entire world away, I would accept that as hard proof of God and Universe.
He started laughing. I wish I could see you the moment you find your hat, he said. I bet when you do, you will be the most beautiful person because you're going to be radiating an absolute happiness.
That thought made me so happy. I really hope I find that person that I'm missing so badly and who just always seems so familiar inside these strangers.
So as I'm getting done telling him about how when I come to this bar, I tend to meet the right people that I need to talk to at a given time, I look past him and there's Missed Connections guy.
I started laughing so hard my legs turned to jelly. I thought Missed Connections guy saw us because he was looking right at us, and then he kept looking over. I was too scared to go over because I didn't know what to say. I told the guy the story about Missed Connections guy...probably the fastest I've ever told a story.
You need to go over there, he said.
I know, I said. But I'm scared. What if he's a dick? What if he's dumb? What if this is just an illusion and just another joke from the universe?
You have to go over there, he said.
I tried to have him go over there and ask the guy to come over, but instead, he turns around and starts talking to these girls.
I got the guy's attention and waved him over. He looked confused, then pointed at his friend like he wasn't sure who I wanted. But I pointed at him. He motioned that he needed to get another beer first and would come over after, but then he and his friends (a little group of men and women) formed a huddle.
I was feeling kind of dumb like, what now, and I just had a feeling this wasn't going to turn out magical. It didn't feel right.
Finally, he came over. That guy's eyes...he had amazing, soulful eyes, but what I found out was that they're like a blind man's. He's a sound guy, he takes in through his ears, he expresses through his hands, but it's like his eyes are so deceptive...so much depth, like an ocean, but...I don't know. They don't see.
He remembers me waving at him at the restaurant, he remembers the incident and thinking that I was cute, but he didn't equate me with that girl. And apparently after I put up the missed connection, someone called him the next day at 9am asking if he'd been at that restaurant, then forwarded the missed connections post to him. He remembered being at the restaurant, but didn't remember me at the restaurant, or at the bar last month, or when I was standing close to him and trying to get him to come over, he stared right at me and didnt' react. Strange, that this man could be looking right at me, and yet I exist in some sort of blind spot. We talked for a while, the dude is pretty fucking interesting and funny, but I just had this strong feeling that someone had played a really big joke on me. I kind of wanted to get out of there because my head was twisted.
I didn't want another beer and he said he had to get back to his friend's birthday thing, so I left. Got home and laid on the floor staring at the ceiling for an hour, wondering why the universe or my brain would trick me like that. Is it mocking how easily I follow connections? To lead me to a guy who looks overwhelmingly familiar only to find a blind man who can't see me?
If this question has an answer, then perhaps we'll run into each other again, I had written in the Craigslist post.
We did and there was no answer. When I asked him, who are you? He said, "I'm just a guy who hangs around Venice." When I asked, "Do we know each other?" He said, "You've probably just seen me around because I'm always out and about."
Paper lantern.
Today I followed the trail to God and found a paper lantern.
I followed the light to something beautiful but empty inside. There was no connection. So then, why had it led me to something false?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
What Happened In Vegas... (aka, a Win for the Ladies)
So this is the story.
I met this guy in Vegas because his friend was talking to my cousin (the bachelorette) at Pure, and we started talking. The conversation actually started because he was taking pictures of my cousin in a drunken vulnerable state posing with his friend, and I wanted to see the pictures to make sure they wouldn't be something that my cousin would soberly regret. He showed them to me and I told him he could spend a couple minutes enjoying them, savoring them, but then he had to delete them. We started talking but I got pulled away by my cousin in the middle of the conversation. She pulled me so hard, in fact, that as I spun on heels with a 50/50 chance of a face plant, I thought of the movie "The Sweetest Thing," and how this scene was like the one in the club, and that if this guy was meant to connect with me, he would find a way. He seemed like a really nice guy.
I guess my cousin had given his friend her number so the groups could meet up the next night, but the next day, while she was sober, I showed her the pictures of the guy she was talking to and she was grossed out, so when he kept texting her to find out where we were going, she ignored him. Later that night, the guy I was talking to, Rob, texted her and said he wanted to see me again and if she could give me his number. Actually, she showed me that message and I didn't know who it was, and it didn't occur to me until 4 hours later who he was. That's because he told me to just call him John after I asked him for his name again and he was offended I didn't remember (I knew it started with an R but wanted to ask again just to make sure and be polite). That should have been the first sign.
So I texted him that we were going to this club Tao at the adjacent hotel, and he said he was leaving Palms and would meet me there in a few minutes. It's like almost 4am. We get to the hotel and find out Tao is closing, so we go upstairs and I tell my cousin this guy is coming to meet me. She tells me not to meet him despite the fact he came all the way to our hotel, that he's probably just after sex, and then he texts me that he's downstairs at the bar. So I call him and tell him I can't meet because there are girls throwing up and I have to take care of them. He's telling me to come down just for one drink and I say I can't, but that if he still feels compelled to get to know me in a week, to call me. So he says he will. Later, he texts that he just won $200 at the crap table because of me. I immediately text back if 9 had anything to do with it. He said, "Of course, 9 on the field hit twice."
If you know me, you know about me and the number 9 (as well as 29). I can't resist 9's. I will follow 9's everywhere. So this makes me think, maybe I do need to see what this guy's about.
At the same time, my cousin wants me to go downstairs with her to buy water. While we're at the store, I notice the craps tables are right there so I text him to find out where he is. He says he's in the lobby about to leave and asks where I am. I say that I'm close to the lobby. So we meet up. He's very friendly but my cousin's super belligerent and protective, giving him a hard time about who he is. They're going back and forth and it's not the best situation to get to know someone, so I want out. I say I'm going to bed and he leaves saying he'll call. We text a bit, and he says he would like to see me again.
Fast forward to last night, I get a text from him to send over my email address so he can send pics he took of us from the night we met. As soon as I get his email with his full name, OF COURSE I run through the net to find out what there is about him. My largest function in life is as a human search engine.
So I happen to find his flicker site. Ooh, he likes to take a lot of photos like me, I think.
Then I see that there seems to be one recurring girl. A pretty, sweet looking Hawaiian one, and the two of them seem to travel everywhere together. EVERYWHERE. The kicker was that the most recent pictures of the happy couple are dated LAST WEEK.
This dude has a girlfriend! And I have strong feelings about men who cheat. I was uber-irritated. The evidence was pretty overwhelming, but I didn't want to jump out of left field, so I let it play out a bit.
Here's our email exchange:
From: Rob
To: Julia
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 9:55:18 PM
Subject: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Here ya go. Let me know if they went through ok.-Rob
(At this point, I've already found the flickr site and that he has a girlfriend. But I want to bide my time while I think how I want to handle it.)
From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 10:10:41 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
.
I got one pic. The attached two are the best I can do without getting accused of disloyalty and kicked in the balls. How was the drive back? Did you stop for a milkshake?
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:40:06 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
These work. Thanks for risking your safety. Well, I only got 1 hour sleep yesterday and while we were driving through Baker I was asleep in the car and didn't tell my cousin to stop...obviously. I figure that is your fault for keeping me up to 'til 6 in the morning. You have a good trip back? We hit some traffic part of the way, which was lame.
From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 10:55:29 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Can't complain. Left earlier than I planned and got back with still plenty of day to enjoy.
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:06:53 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Cool, well have a good night. Still got 6 days before I give you a call.
From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 11:16:01 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Goodness, there's a countdown.
Sounds exciting.
You too.
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:44:36 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Haha...You said if I was ever worth seeing again, then I would call in 7 days. Just playing by your rules ;)
From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 12:35:17 AM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
I said, "If you still feel compelled to get to know me, give me a call in a week." That's about the time it takes for people who spend a weekend stumbling around in the wee hours of Vegas to recover from desert fever and see straight again. You're lucky you had the foresight to get a picture of me. Otherwise, for all you know, I could have been an 80 year-old drag queen from Thailand who just happened to capitalize on timing to charm your intoxicated little butt silly. And then wouldn't you have been horrified if you'd shown up to meet me and I didn't *quite* look anything like that idealized, romantically-hazy memory of the beautiful, sweet island girl you met somewhere in the vicinity of a high traffic stripper pole who faintly reminded you of someone else's mother? For god sake, Thailand! That's just disappointing. But I bet you would have sat through dinner just to be polite.
But you're lucky. I don't seem to be a geriatric Thai tranny. And the only rules in life are the ones you make. So put your seatbelt on then...let's countdown! Should every day have a different theme? With its own theme song? Should we like...get outfits or something? Maybe if we blow the socks off this countdown, the great sign that we're meant to connect again will be the night skies across the country filling with fireworks. I know, this is Nostradamus crazy shit out of left field, but you know, life is about faith and magic. ;)
Good night,
Julia
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:41:25 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John).
Is this your way of asking me out to dinner? You could have just asked. And yes, I am really glad that you weren't some cute Thai dude, that would have made our time at Palazzo's a little awkward.
You are so cynical and spunky, though, I kind of dig it. First, I was the type of guy you thought might slip roofies in drinks, then you wouldn't have been surprised if I took dirty pics of girls at Pure, now I was so smashed that I wouldn't have been able to tell you were a girl in her 20's. Did I really seem that out of it to give you the impression that I wouldn't have known that you weren't 80 years old? I need to work on that.
If you can't wait the whole 6 days before I drum up the courage to call you, then just say the word and we can end this countdown business. I believe in fate too and if it is meant to be, then my dream of you last night coming from the clouds and meeting me in Santa Barbara will come true!
-Rob
(what? I've gotta drive all the way to Santa Barbara to see his lazy, cheating ass? This was the last straw. )
From: Julia
To: Rob
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:45:44 -0700
Where you say "cynical and spunky," I say "quality with an ear for truth." I *might* have been willing to consider a meal with you since I do quite like food (I try to partake every day) and I am a delightful conversationalist, my biggest curiosity would be how that silver tongue of yours plans to sell this fated encounter to your girlfriend, when she really should be dumping your ass.
******
Hey Rob. Have you ever been fucked by a writer?
Well you just have.
