i decided to search my blog for the word "space" to find what clues Past Julia left for me.

i found this: http://3amwanderer.blogspot.com/2004/07/paradox-potential-i-was-sitting-and.html

first of all, why do i feel like i was smarter in the past? 2004 was a smart year.

secondly, how the hell did i forget that i had already learned not to ask for a soulmate? then perhaps most of 2008's debacle could have been avoided. but then i reread my post about that fateful day last year. i quote myself:

"but i also remember the one word that resoundedly landed in my head.

Crap."

so how was it, i knew that very day this guy was "not my dude," that this wasn't where i was supposed to be, but then i forgot? i didn't trust my first instincts. the same as the fact i dated a guy for 2 1/2 years that i didn't want to date in the first place. but when i look back in hindsight, i did "need" those experiences. i did grow, and learn, and become a better version of myself than i had been before those experiences, as painful as they were and as hard as they make my eyes roll these days. so what does that mean? trust first instincts and avoid these fated but devastating interactions? or bite the bullet and go through them?

lately i've been really good about listening to that voice in my head that says, "not your dude," or "crap." people try to convince me. i had one guy alternate between writing me long love letters about how we were meant to be and make each other strong, but i'm just scared, and being angry at me for being so unwilling to "try." but i know he's not my dude because i recognize the initial feelings as one that says "this isn't it." so i kinda want to wait for the feeling that tells me, "hmmm...maybe" instead of "Crap." but if i'm disciplined enough not to bite at bait, will i get what i'm ultimately searching for? or do i have to go through the crap and learn before i get it?

my gut tells me i've been through the crap. my gut tells me to wait.

but then why do i feel so bad when i can't let guys who are not my dude get close? maybe that's it. maybe i have to be okay with not giving to everyone who asks, to prove that the one i finally give to is the one i really want to give to because it's right, not because on some level, i just felt obligated.