goddam this is bullshit. laying awake at night, wondering shit. worrying about shit. every time i see a missed call from my parents, i worry. every time the phone rings in the middle of the night, my heart jumps into my throat. i wanna throttle those wrong numbers...they have no idea the hell they put me through. but there's nothing tangible there, no basis for the fear except that i know, one day, i will lose the ones i love.

is that any excuse to keep people away, because one more person let into my inner circle means one more person who will someday devastate me with loss when they're gone? one more person who may or may not hurt when i'm gone? why am i so fucking sensitive.

you've gotta know though, most days i don't think about these things. they're programs that run invisibly in the background, and only hit my consciousness sometimes as faded fragments of uncomfortable dreams. but on nights like these, everything just crowds in and camps.

i could be great, or i could be so much wasted potential. i know what i need to unlock my potential, but these things remain elusive. i know that i'm learning how to be patient, to jump when it's time to jump, to wait when it's time to wait. but it's the fear that gets me, the fear that finds me on the darkest of night and laughs from the corner where i can't see him.

tonight, i'm thinking about someone from a long time ago. am i still burning a candle for him? every single other day i would laugh. but then nights like these...i can sit alone, hold my head in my hands and wonder, why...why would it even matter to me when i don't matter to him, and in the grand scheme of things, our lives don't even meet. we never even dated. we were never even romantic. it's been over 10 years. but why, at the sight of his picture, does it twist a razor inside my stomach. maybe because it reminds me of a lost, angry pathetic me, one that was so lost in a world without punctuation or reprieve. maybe i'm still angry at myself for a wasted youth so adrift...always running, running, running like a scared little girl.

the last few months i've been at the peak of my power. stronger and more magnetic than i've ever thought i would achieve. and the price...loneliness. i am powerful because i am alone. left alone to my own devices, i thrive. but give me that distraction, that taste of human companionship, and i crumble. my knees shake. my insides quiver and suddenly...i have so much need. i have so much love i want to give. so much love i want to take. and then suddenly i'm going around in circles until my mind dies of starvation and neglect. but my heart is heavy and full with that push/pull of being fed but being left even hungrier.

i'm lonely. i'm so fucking lonely. i'm so fucking lonely i can barely stand myself. but sometimes, it's being around people that makes me feel even more isolated. even more misunderstood. even more empty, like a black, expansive sky just waiting to be filled when everything that falls into it just gets consumed before it hits the ground.

what is this, god? what is this that i can't find another person who speaks my language and can help me translate my own truth to myself? i need help. i've done everything you've asked me to do, and will continue to do so, every assignment, every illumination that others need, even if it relegates me into a reflection or shadow. but i need you to do one thing for me. i'm not a fucking martyr. i never signed up to be a martyr. it's because the world doesn't need it. it needs a leader. it needs truth. i'm not here to give to others until they bleed me dry. what good would that do anyone? i want to be a positive force, to help, to nurture and guide, but i have my own needs as well which i refuse to deny. i need to be understood. please, i need to be understood. i need someone i can trust to help me understand myself and the full extent of things, before i can understand the true nature of this world.