like a bolt of lightning, out of the blue...

I spent a couple of hours on the phone tonight telling Rie about the psychology of the people of Seattle. This is my city, but these aren't my people. I was thinking today how much longer I can take it here before it starts to wear on me. I can see why I needed to be strong in so many ways before I took on Seattle.

In a nutshell, it's like this. People are very clique-y. There is some self-perpetuating wound that's deep-rooted in the collective social psyche here and I can't see the cause exactly (I think it has to do with many factors...the climate, the founding industries, a diverse city that doesn't "mix," etc that has compounded into an urban social climate), but I deal with the bottom line. The bottom line is that in a way, people are so afraid of being judged for not being "normal" and doing the right things, that they themselves become very defensive and judgmental. So, because they are so afraid of being judged, they project their fears and negative emotions judgmentally. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had where people act like I've rejected them when I've been perfectly open and nice. And then because they're acting like the conversation has gone sour, it effectively ends a conversation that didn't have to end. And then when I point it out, they seemed confused, as though waking from a dream whose memory holds some slight that never occurred in actual reality.

I was telling Rie that I know I came here to self-induce a bit of a depression through isolation, a way of getting my deeper juices flowing but without sacrificing perspective. I know that the negative ways people have treated me have nothing to do with me and the person I am--it's their projections speaking. I try to not even hold these things personally against people (I think of it as a product of their fear and/or unconsciousness, not necessarily who they are as a person). I do tell her that it's frustrating that this city is so unconscious and mean. The fact that I was told yesterday that people honk at me in traffic because I have a nice car with California plates and "people in Washington hate Californians," is just...disappointing.

But then randomly, I get a message from this guy, Chilly. We'd worked together at the comedy club in Amsterdam...I'd only met him a couple of times before he moved back to Brazil...we'd only small-talked, he was very nice and always helpful, but we'd never really gotten to know each other. We're linked on Facebook though, and every once in a while, he'll comment on my updates. I remember being surprised because he'd never mentioned a girlfriend or anything, but shortly after he left Amsterdam, he got married. I knew another guy like that. It's like you know them in a work context, and you forget that there's an entire private world behind them.

So I was feeling kind of irritated with the people here, why they are missing the bigger picture, when Chilly writes:

you know... this isn't meant to be a compliment...nor is it meant to flatter you in any way.... I believe people who are kick ass ought to be told so... so this is more of a testimonial.. hah.. well ..... you really make me smile... you make ...me happy, just by being yourself... note that we don't really talk much... But I'm glad we've met and that i know someone so kick ass... it makes me happy to know that somewhere in the world a person like you exists... you're the type of person who renews my faith in humanity...
You're...
Independent, fun, funny, and a whole list of (positive) adjectives...

Keep up the good work on being yourself and having everyone around you happy and smiling like the way you make me feel... =]

*****

Wow! Unexpected, so sweet and such good timing. We really don't know each other that well and we really don't talk. It was a really nice thing to put into my world. I wrote back that his message made my day and I would definitely pay the good will and positivity forward. These kinds of things are blessings. It's all a circle. Faith. Inspiration. Positivity. Good will. Good things go back and forth, building greater things. Bad things go back and forth until people get so punch drunk that they start wanting good things. I like circulating good things. When bad things come, you just have to do your best to be conscious and let them pass through you and out into space. Let it go. You can't take it on. Otherwise, it goes back into the circle and becomes everyone's problem.