As Terri has her hand under my shirt, she says:

"She gets really hot when I put velcro on her nipples..."


and...we're off! Happy Halloween!

(photos to come...)

i knew this woman once who
was terrified of the person she lived with

every time the other woman came home
her entrance was like the windows being
blown out by a hurricane
her energy matching the darkness of
her features.

Here I Am...Rock You Like a Hurricane...

Okay, everyone...sorry I've been so absent as of late. I've been busy fighting the evil android minions of this wikked, wikked week and listening to bad 80s music by bad 80s hair bands that makes me want to perm my hair, go at it with some Aqua Net and put on a pink tube top under a bleached jean jacket for no other reason than because I can. And follow a Van Halen cover band around on tour.

Anyway, the comings and goings of this wikked wikked week. Oh how I hate you, let me count the ways:

1. I felt fat. Because I'm still banned from the gym, but have now been okayed to engage in 3 wimpy arm exercises using 2-5 pound weights while lying on a firm surface on my back. Will I be impersonating Rico Bad Ass from the Prison Yard? No. Right now, I'm like the guy who's in for passing bad checks who's known for huddling up against the wall in the showers, clinging to his bar of soap.

2. I have a drug problem. My veins are collapsing. The toilet bowl cleaner's been hissing those threats again but the shampoo has offered me protection...for a price. (What the fuck, Pantene? You know I ain't got no money.) And someone's pissed on my mattress in the corner of the floor again. No wait. That was me. The shakes...ohhh god...the shakes....

3. My mom has informed me, she's coming to live with me. Yes, for 7-10 day periods, alternating weeks, lather, rinse, repeat. Among other things I will soon be able to enjoy, such as screaming matches into the wee hours of the evening, this will effectively be the end of my anonymous sex rampage. Because I'm sure she's going to ask them for their names. And those are just things that I don't want to know.

4. November. November. November. You know I'm scared of you.

5. I'm angry.

Other things of note from this week:

1. Came home to find orange cones, knee pads and a helmet in the middle of my hallway. (Welcome, Amber... )

2. I've somehow been named the Queen of All Things Inappropriate ( From Brian's blog: "If you read my roommate, Julia's blog, then you know I have no choice but to enjoy all things incredibly inappropriate as I live with the queen of all things inappropriate. So, thank god I thrive on it. ") I don't know what he's talking about. I have never said, done or thought a single thing that was inappropriate.

3. Stood in line at Walgreen's behind a middle-aged woman purchasing eggs and Maxi-pads, and another purchasing ribbed condoms, pantyhose and an Ace ankle bandage (I don't know what kind of party she was headed to but I wish she would take me...).

4. A dog manages to not only dial 911 when its owner collapses, but also to summons help and to unlock the door for the paramedics.

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6364394/

And meanwhile, George W. Bush is the leader of the free world. Let's take a moment to think about this. Smart dog...dumb man. Smart dog...dumb man. Smart dog...dumb man. Smart dog...dumb man. My brain just short-circuited.

5. A drunk ho and a crazy bitch are not interchangeable, but if they walk into a bar together, the punchline is bound to be tragic.

Have a great weekend, folks.

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Hey everyone, check out the lunar eclipse tonight...blood moon...tonight is make it or break it in terms of things that came into play on Oct. 13th. Good luck everyone! For me, I've gotta lock myself away and write.

I was browsing the astrology boards as I'm prone to do. This guy had an interesting thread about 12th House placements:

Curious to know if others with 12th house planets have experienced an unquenchable loneliness or an underlying feeling of incarceration in this life. Moon, Venus and Saturn are in my 12th house. Do you sense an other-worldly plan or assignment motivating you, a compelling force overriding the will? By aligning your will with the compelling force you know and accept your identity? Are you highly aware you are here with business in hand, on assignment, the very nature a lonely position? This assignment you know you have chosen, tasks that must be done? Associated with learning humbleness? Not debt payoff but, bear with me here,...a "guardian angel" type role?

Very good, George, m'boy. 12th House people are the messengers for the universe, the guides of the people. They have the most karmic responsibility, but are the least recognized for their work. All work is done in secret. I have a 12th House Venus (bringing messages and/or challenges using or teaching love).

When you have things to do on this earth that few people understand and which you barely understand yourself, but have instructions you must spontaneously follow, it makes life very, very lonely. But it's deeply rewarding, too. Humbleness...humility...yes, we are the universe's servants.

Brian and I were just looking at the Abercrombie & Fitch quarterly and analyzing the boys' physical attributes and flaws, and where on the hot guys we wanted to lick. And yes, I said, "the hot guys." He has turned me into such a gay man, that I can look through an A&F quarterly and decide there are some guys who just aren't hot enough.

Wow. I'm a flaming gay man for Halloween. Again.

10/25 Recap

Hey, folks. If Oct 13th didn't kick your ass, watch out for the next few days. Particularly, tomorrow through the 28th.

I had a great day today. Work went by quickly. Didn't fall asleep. Bought the new Phil Jackson book at lunch.

Talked to both Rie and Ethan (givin' me some of that midwest love!). Ethan and I are planning a Mayhem Superforce reunion in Vegas sometime in the spring. With plans to crash a random wedding. I'm sure this adventure will leave me plenty to write about so stay tuned!

Weekend Recap

So I was supposed to go to Portland this weekend (spontaneous trip) but Orbitz screwed me so badly with the hotel reservations that I just cancelled the trip last minute on Friday. Which was probably better because I guess I had made plans to go out with that guy Jon on Friday and considering I had cancelled on him twice already, it would probably be bad for him to call me and for me to say, "Oh! I left the state. Oops." But then again, I was tired after work anyway, so I didn't want to go out with him. He's 23, cute and sweet and lives in Orange Country. Translation = A Geographically Undesirable Distraction.

So I spent the weekend at home, because I was really tired, just trying to rest up because I haven't been sleeping much during the week. Spent some quality time with my turtle.

Went and saw The Machinist on Saturday night. Christian Bale lost like 60 lbs for a really bad movie. But may I just say how hot the guys are at that Sunset 5 Plaza? Where Crunch is. Okay, granted, they're all gay. But doesn't stop me from thinking about wanting to have sex with them.

Brian spent Sunday making our Halloween costumes. Let's just say we're complementary parts of a lewd analogy. I said to Brian, "Your prongs look really gay!" And for balance, I requested that my bits look butch.

And waited for it to rain...and waited for it to rain...and waited for it to rain...

today, i can't stop shivering.

Today's Burning Question:

If you were reading a suspenseful book, would you look at the last page just for peace of mind? And if you knew what was going to happen, would you tell others who are reading the same book?

and now…a story set to jimmy webb’s "wichita lineman"

and in their heads,
what does it matter if i could
never make you happy?

in a place that leaves no room for mistakes
unless you count small talk and sly glances
over two lonely souls meeting and comparing chains

except one is secretly free.

(i broke every bone in my hands to keep from reaching for you.)

did i mention
one of them was coming from a world where sex was
the price to be paid for a warm body and a heartbeat with which to be
lulled to sleep?

(you’re trespassing in someone
else’s house, she said.

but then…she was gone.)

so as i was saying:

“—moods like the ocean whipped about in a storm.”

“i wouldn’t mind seeing a thunderstorm,” she said
so…….
so calmly.

and then it hit me.
still plainly obvious to everyone but me.

what about the calm after the storm,
when one would presume to
look around and realize all that survives

the ocean
the sky

the you

and the I…

and forever is all that is left.

yes. what of it then?

the restless ocean exhaled another patient sigh
waiting
as a stoic castle’s walls began to show the first signs of crumbling.

Another thing about rainy days...they make me crazy randy.

Just give me a violent thunderstorm and I'll be dumping out my little jar of numbers, making some emergency calls...

Asian families are like cults. Once you're in, you can never get out.

#1 Criteria I Look For In a Soulmate:

If he truly spiritually and emotionally appreciates the rain.

Not like, "Yeah, I like walks on the beach, candlelit dinners and yada yada yada" kind of appreciation, where you appreciate a lot until you finally get laid, but one where your soul feels alive at the very feel, smell and energy of the rain.

In moments when I can sit alone in a candlelit room with the doors and windows open and listen to the rain, intoxicated by the cool, sharp air, I feel like there is nothing better in the world than being exactly who I am, in exactly this moment.

It's Official! I'm In Rehab...

Today was my first appointment for rehab at the physical therapy place. This place caters to a lot of Olympians and professional athletes (such as Pete Sampras and Kobe Bryant), so you can bet my eyes were open for big black men. After my initial evaluation, my physical therapist told me that we would work on decreasing the pain first and then move on to rehab in the pool in a couple of weeks. All I have to say is, Pete and Kobe had BETTER not have peed in the pool...

The Life of a Compulsive Liar

Brian and I had lunch today at a snooty little hotspot in WeHo. I got the number while Brian parked. Either the wait was shorter than expected, or Brian took a really long time getting there, because after a bit, they asked me if my entire party was here. I said yes, but the host kind of looked at me standing there by myself and then went down the list and gave my table to someone else. A few minutes later, they asked me again if my entire party was here. I said, no, but I just wanted to have coffee while I wait. They went ahead and called a different person's name. A few minutes later, they asked me again if my entire party was there. I mean, seriously...my entire party is TWO people. You can freakin' seat me as if you were seating for one. So I went up to the host and told him, "LISTEN. My party will be here in a few minutes but I really need to sit and have some coffee and have some ME time before I'm ready to deal with my partner, okay??" And they promptly sat me.

What the f--Partner??? In a fit of irritation, I managed to spontaneously become a whole imaginary character whose back story was that she was this chick in a bad mood because her lesbian lover was going through another craving of drama and she just needed some quiet time before she dealt with the crazy bitch. And somehow, I had spontaneously calculated that a PMSing (possibly violent) lesbian act would get me a table.

I'm a little afraid of myself right now.

(must use powers for good...)

Tonight's Episode Brought to You by the Word, "Lesbian"

"Lesbians are like buffalo. They move in herds, and it takes more than one bullet to bring one down."

-Brian

Top 5 things that weaken my claim of being straight:

1. I played softball
2. I want Ellen DeGeneres to be my best friend
3. I have a Xena magnet on my fridge
4. I always said that if I became a stripper, I would work it to the Garbage song, "Queer."
5. This picture...

#1 Sign that I'm NOT Gay

When asked, "Julia...do you kiss girls?" by a girl in a dark bedroom one drunken night, I laughed and said no, thinking, "What a silly question!" I reacted as if she had asked me, "Do you own a rocket ship?" Not realizing until much, much later, with the help of a very patient friend, that that question was actually a proposition.

Getting your heart broken is like an exercise that builds up your soul. Each time you manage to find the courage to rise again after emotional collapse, your ability to love in the face of fears gets stronger and stronger. It's a necessary thing. Each time, you're tested to see if not being able to hold onto something precious will destroy you. And each time that you are able to stand up, you gain further proof for your faith that love is the source of all strength.

Brian is "not upset" but upset at the fact that at the Rock the Vote party last night, I gave the roommate of someone he works with in the industry my phone number so that he could call me and try to talk me into having a threesome. He believes this behavior was socially inappropriate.

We were at a party where Pauly Shore was standing next to us saying "...just pop some Viagra and you'll have a great time," Ryan Seacrest and his enormously tiny head was the big "celebrity draw," and the hot topic of mass simultaneous conversations was whose asses each and every different person would consider grabbing...and somehow, MY behavior stood out as socially inappropriate.

One word:

Bitch please.

(Is it bad that I treat life like a joke sometimes and just do things for the sake of the funny stories they'd make?)

Beautiful Memories Of...

Person Who Shat In the Shower

Ah yes. When we look into that dark, murky well of our past, we'll occasionally glimpse a reflection of some long, forgotten life experience that catches us off guard, surprising us that we had ever forgotten it at all.

I was talking to a friend today and mentioned that I refuse to shower in public gym showers. I never really thought about why I won't, and I suddenly remembered today.

When I was 16, I worked as a locker room attendent at an upscale gym. The place catered to a wealthy clientele, and stressed presentation, cleanliness and luxury. I was in charge of everything meeting company standards in the locker room. My first week on the job, I was dismayed to find that people would leave soiled diapers and used maxipads and tampons in the showers. I had to dutifully expose of them, but I managed to do this task with the aid of thick pairs of gloves and a lot of mental detachment. But nothing prepared me for the mysterious PERSON WHO SHAT IN THE SHOWER. Yes, there was someone, either a woman or a man passing himself off as a woman, who was shitting in the showers. I mean, not just an accidental nug or a pile of dump. I mean, they were giving themselves enemas or something, because it would be sprayed all over the walls. And I would have to clean that shit up!

So I plugged on with that job because I wanted to teach myself humility, and because it didn't feel right for me to refuse responsibility just because I didn't want to do something that no one would want to do. So I cleaned up dirty diapers and tampons and buckshotted shit, until thankfully, the shitter, after going to task about 2-3 times a week, began limiting her activities to the occasional monthly splat. Sometimes I wondered if the culprit was someone who worked for my parents, who hated all the status and power they had achieved, who avenged justice by crapping in the showers. Messing with me to get to my parents. Yes...hatred from jealousy can bring out some ugly things in people. And that is such a sad, sad thought.

So in conclusion, seriously yo, don't shower in public showers.

Today my outdoorsy coworker was wearing a shirt with some adventure-whatever emblem on it. Like one of those shirts you earn for joining mountain-climbing competitions or something. So I asked him, "Did you earn your shirt?" And my black coworker Eddie said, "What'd you say?" All offended. And then he said, "Oooooh. I thought you were saying, 'Did you IRON your shirt. But were trying to be black." (iron becoming "earn" like scared becomes "scurred.")

Threesome, anyone?

Is it bad that I want to upend my desk and start smacking people today? I've been really irritable at work all week. Just people being stupid and saying the wrong things and then asking me why I did exactly what they told me to do. If you want something "today," then you probably shouldn't keep using the word "tomorrow?" Just a thought?

I have had over 6 conversations about threesomes in the last two weeks.

1. Asked Colin and Martin to have a threesome with me.
2. Coworker explained his marriage arrangement: His wife can't sleep with other men. But she can sleep with other women. And she can watch him sleep with other women, or they arrange to have threesomes and she gets to pick the girl.
3. The subject came up in a conversation with a friend. I said I wouldn't have a threesome with another girl. I'm too sexually possessive. But maybe with two guys.
4. Days later, admitted to almost having a threesome in Seattle. (Oh, the details I leave out of my blog sometimes!)
5. A day later, the subject came up again with previous friend. In conversation, joked...okay, maybe I'd have a threesome if she was the other girl. (Prayed this subject never comes up again).
6. Hours later, met a guy at a party. Asked him, "So what's your deal? Are you single or what?" He said he wasn't single but his girlfriend was bi. He asked for my number. I asked, what for? You looking for a threesome? He said yes. I said, I'm not into that. He said, well, give me your number anyway, in case things don't work out with her. (Ew)

So this is how the eclipse on Oct 13th affected THIS gemini. Apparently we swing between being asexual and bi. Or multi-amorous. Yeah, more is better.

Look at how special I am!

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/10/14/asexual.study/index.html

I just got some deep green, 500 count Sateen sheets for my bed (California King). They're soooo soft. I'm totally ready to hibernate.

October 13th. Good luck everyone....

If it doesn't get you, watch out for October 25-26th.

From Newsweek:

"I don't like flings. I also don't believe in marrying more than one woman at a time."

-Kamaruddin Mohammed, 72, of Malaysia, in an interview with the New Strait Times newspaper. He has married 53 times since 1957, and recently remarried his first wife.

(Seriously. Here's an example of marriage as a technicality. Why can't we just admit that relationships and partnerships come in many different shapes and forms and arrangements and just let people do what they want with their own lives? This guy is making a joke out of marriage. And meanwhile, same-sex marriages still aren't legally recognized? Fuck you guys).

Good Reading

Excerpts from Phil Jackson's upcoming book. I like how his mind works.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/basketball/nba/10/12/jackson/index.html?cnn=yes

Just because I had two glasses of wine at dinner and asked Colin and Martin to have a threesome with me, doesn't make me a drunk ho.

Listen Up Kids! This is how ADULTS play with their new toys...

So I've been on a mission in the last few weeks to replace the light switches in my place with dimmers because the lighting (as Brian puts it) is "fuckin' surgical." I went out and bought a bunch of dimmers from a lighting supplier, and after somewhat of an ordeal, we finally installed them today. We celebrated by spending time in my bedroom, giddily playing with the dimmer, trying to figure out the perfect position of the switch for optimal Sex Lighting. With gradations, of course, for the variations (more light if there is a video camera running, less light if you're feeling fat).

10/7 Recap

I have a NEEDLE in my butt cheek.


Today's mood: I think it's time to cheer up. I've been spending too much time, staring at the moon.

I've Got Doctor's Orders to Stimulate Myself!

I went to my chiro today and we're running out of treatment options for my back. So she says:

"I'm going to put something called an Accu-aid on you. It's like a bandaid with a small needle in the middle that I'm going to put on a trigger point, and then throughout the day, you have to reach back there and stimulate yourself."

OH.

MY.

GOD.

"Reach back there and stimulate yourself." ??????????

My head nearly exploded. So I was trying to be an adult and hold in my hysteria but about 30 seconds later, I burst out laughing and couldn't stop. I had tears. I felt terrible because I was convulsing with laughter and she couldn't treat me so she took this time to get some tape outside while I went through my giggle fit. I settled down but about 5 minutes later, I heard her say it again in my head and started cracking up again. This is the same doctor who asked me if I do coke or have raucous sex because she couldn't understand why my body wasn't holding the adjustments.

Jordan Rosenberg has luscious eyelashes. :)

Que Sera Sera

Today is Rie's birthday. I called her and found her at home. I was VERY concerned as to why she answered my call and wasn't getting laid (I come from the school of thought that EVERYONE should get laid on their birthdays. And that I should get laid on my birthday as well as everyone else's. But that's fodder for another post). Her fiance is an ER resident and was working late tonight so she spent her birthday going to a yoga class and then hanging out at home. If I had known she wouldn't have plans, I would have sent her a plane ticket so she could come out here for dinner and a titty bar. I love that girl. I miss her so much.

I emailed Ethan today because I missed him too. Today was all about that midwest love. He's great. Hearing from him just makes me happy.

I had an uplifting day today, for reasons left unspecified. I was in a really good mood. I think sometimes, you just have to let things be. Life lessons...do we really become wiser? How do we know when we're being taught a lesson and when we're being rewarded? Or when our lesson is to let go and walk away and when our lesson is to open up and trust? Why has it gotten to the point that I can't be open anymore on this blog about the things that weigh the heaviest on me? Or can I? Am I really that courageous of a person?

I am in the hardest emotional situation I've ever been in. And I'm going to stop fighting it and let whatever is meant to be, just be. Is it possible the universe will give me Oct 13th? Just for once...can't it find it in its heart to cut me a break? Haven't I shown it that I have learned how to let go? That I can understand the lessons extracted from devastation and give back in positivity? That I am a good person? For once, can't I just keep something in my life that means a lot to me? Honestly, God. Can't I please just admit to you that I really care about someone without you taking that person away from me?

Dear Universe:

I called your customer service line and the monkey that answered just kept screeching and banging the handset against his desk. I did not find him very helpful. Is there possibly an alternate number I can call? At this point, I would even settle for an automated touchtone system.

Please don't ask me how I feel. I don't know how I feel. I only know how I feel in a vacuum.

I went to the gym today and beat 2 guys at HORSE 8 times in a row. On nearly all 3-pointers. I wasn't fucking around today. I had some intense feelings to outlet.

This article made me cry.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/10/05/soldiers.mother.ap/index.html

Fantasy Basketball

It's that time of year again! Anyone wanna play fantasy basketball with me? The league will be Head 2 Head, 8 team league with a multi-list draft on espn.com. Buy a team and send me an email and I'll tell you which league is mine. Or email me if you don't know what to do but want to play and I'll help you set everything up. Go Warriors!

By the way, fellow Geminis...keep your eye on Oct. 13th. Don't ask why. Just do. And tell me if anything happens.

Often, when someone is in a relationship they know won't last, they stay in it because they want to see if someone else will come along first-even though this doesn't seem fair to the current attachment. If this sounds like you, you need to leave, create a space, take a deep breath, meditate about the old relationship to pinpoint what went wrong and only then move forward. Not to live life that way is a little like living in a world without periods at the end of sentences. All the sentences run together in one long jumble and you never know where a thought begins or ends.

-Susan Miller

This isn't me. I write short sentences that emphasize the PERIODS. But I thought this was a nice way to look at this phenomenon...a world without periods at the end of sentences. I hate people who do that. Relationship hop. And not end sentences.

Just a heads up, everyone. This blog may be going private soon. There are some undesirables reading this site.

I can't decide if passionate swept-off-your-feet kind of love is healthy or not. As much as it makes me feel fully alive, it makes me feel pretty wrenched up inside.

Finally! A device that makes men obsolete!

http://www.engadget.com/entry/1365040959537038