1/17/05 Recap

I almost nodded off at work today with only 20 more minutes to go. Didn't even have enough consciousness to surf the net for weird pictures of people. The problem was that I had a big meeting earlier today and I got so wired running a mental sprint, that I just ran out of juice by the end of the day. It didn't help that I spent two hours of lunchtime with the tax guy trying not to nod off as he did stuff that he could have done without me there. I dissolved my corporation today. After years of it hanging over my head as a sign of failure (I took a loss every year in the thousands, but it was mostly to help out my taxes), it's finally gone. A moment of silence, please.

Okay that's enough.

I finished the last DVD of the 3rd season of 24. Okay, I now watch it in my bedroom with the door closed because I kind of get choked up about Tony and Michelle. They're...kind of...cute together. In the scene after Tony does the exchange for a kidnapped Michelle and the ensuing big shootout finally ends, they're just on the ground in each other's arms, clutching each other and sobbing; I actually sniffled a little and said, "Awwww...I want a husband..." That will be the only time you will EVER hear those words pass my lips in that order. Without the word "mail order" thrown in the middle.

Today is Martin Luther King Day and I would have really liked to have taken it off to celebrate the beauty that is the Big Black Brutha...er, I mean... the legacy of a great man. Here's something I was thinking about. My brother and I both know the meaning of sadistic authority. It's when certain authority figures provoke you until you act badly, just to show that you are someone who acts badly, and then they stand back and act like, "Whoa! What's wrong with you?" Like they had nothing to do with it. It's infuriating and frustrating, especially when you're not the one with the power or authority, and you feel discredited because as far as other people can tell, you just acted badly, and they don't realize that you were provoked. It creates a defensive, untrusting and angry mindset. A feeling of being trapped.

This dynamic makes me think about the plight of black people living in the U.S. Coming from a history where authority is too often cruel and unfair, as a group, they're conditioned to be quite defensive and hyper-aware of the need for self-protection and the survivalistic need to be distrustful. But within a more evolved and positive environment as the current state of our nation is supposed to be, they should be able to put down the past injuries and grow past them in order to self-actualize. But the only problem is, that if there are people in positions of power who want to prove a whole group inferior, they can easily provoke members of that group to act poorly in a "predictable" fashion, by unfairly putting pressure on them in a way that results in certain negative outcomes. Within the right set of circumstances, anyone can act negatively, just as within the right set of circumstances, anyone can feel safe enough to act positively. But if the overall authoratative climate is one that wants to see certain people or groups fail, then they are going to greatly influence that group and trap them in a devastatingly negative self-fulfilling cycle.

I just think there is too much corrupt power. I know I post about it all the time, but too often, the people who seek power are the very ones who are too dangerous to have it. Power means responsibility for realities beyond your own, so the more power a person has, the more selfless he has to be. But if you look around, people in power are often the least selfless people. Think about politicians, celebrities, bosses...all of these people have power in some sense. But how many play out the manifestations of their own egos instead of giving of themselves in a degree that is in direct proportion to their range of influence? A true leader, belongs to his people. Not vice versa.

I hate corrupt, self-serving authority.

And now, the only time I want to talk about it, let's just get it out of our system...

Brad and Jen.

My stance is... leave them alone. I don't care who they are or how goodlooking they are. They're two people going through possibly the hardest emotional times in their lives and we should have the decency not to be so insensitive to that. I don't mean you have to go out of your way to care. I just mean, stay out of their business.

Dude, imagine the hardest breakup you've ever had, with someone you were head over heels in love with and possibly thought you would spend the rest of your life with. Then imagine if millions of people were dissecting your pain and private life in the least sensitive manner possible, judging you and throwing out baseless rumors when it's none of their fucking business in the first place. Personally, if you guys did that to me, I would hunt down each and every one of you and bring upon you a violent end. I once nearly hunted down a friend just for commenting about a hard break-up of mine in an insensitive, snarky way. It's just not cool. And yeah, we expect more from our friends than strangers, but if you're a stranger, then you don't even have any business making comments!

They're probably going through one of the most painful times if not THE most painful time of their lives. If any of you have gone through a divorce, have had parents get divorced, or have been in a household where the parents fought bitterly over divorce, then you know. It's very very emotionally difficult and heartwrenching. It's not a circus. It's not a soap opera. It's real life. And I don't care if they're celebrities but these are real people with real feelings and real suffering.

I think the difference between these two and say, a certain media trainwreck known is Bennifer, is that the latter kind of made a mockery out of celebrity and relationships. Brad and Jen didn't go out of their way to get the spotlight and sport gaudy displays of affection and celebrity. Yes, celebrity is what it is, and the good comes with the bad. But few people realistically anticipate what the reality and price of fame are before they're suddenly thrust in the middle of it, nor is it fair for us to say they deserve it for being rich and famous, just because we're jealous and want to find some way to tear down our own demi-gods. Don't fucking forget, we put them up on that pedestal...so what does it say about us when we have such a vicious obsession over breaking down our heroes? I didn't so much feel sorry for Ben and J-Lo because they kind of put themselves out there for this kind of attention, encouraging both the positive and negative. But Brad and Jen made an effort to live lives as normal human beings, and I think we, as the masses, should have the human decency not to make a mockery out of a very difficult time for two fellow human beings.

On the other hand, I'm not immune to reading an article if the headline pops up on my msn homepage. I'm susceptible to all this crap too. But I try to force myself to change the channel when the gossip shows start talking about it, to ignore the newsstands and to refrain from speculation with friends because it's none of my fucking business. I just keep thinking that if I were in their position, all this bullshit would aggravate an already devastating emotional situation and it's really quite cruel; I would hope that if I were in this position, people, especially strangers who have nothing to do with my business anyway, would have the kindness to stay out of my personal business. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. People in masses have the propensity to extreme levels of cruelty. Especially when envy is involved. But just think about your own difficult experiences with personal pain. Now imagine it scrutinized and mocked by millions. Would you be so heartless as to wish that on anyone?