Ooooh...suddenly...the revisitation of another time, remembering a whole world that may or may not still exist...home alone in the dark...the torrential rain roaring outside, and the feeling that all the secrets of the world are out there...prowling those wet, empty streets...and thinking how delicious (yet frightening) it would be to go out and confront them...

i've learned this week how much i staunchly cling to my own survival...how much i care about the instincts that are needed for a soul to avoid death in this lifetime.

sometimes i think we've evolved in a manner in which neuroticism is the key to one dimension in the survival of our species. by being neurotic, a person is so subconsciously consumed by the things that can potentially bring on physical or emotional death, he or she is in a constant vigilant state of trying to avoid these things. Neurotic people are always on the look out for the dangerous physical/financial positions, the toxic people who may secretly want to hurt them, the intimacies that might subtly manipulate them into detrimental and dangerously vulnerable positions. because a physical death means there's no more possibility of continuing in this world, while extreme emotional pain will lead to the desire of not wanting the physical capacity to continue in this world. All this keeps them away from things that threaten this survival. But then there are people who evolve themselves right out of existence by being so hypervigilant, that they burn out all of their sensors and are finally depleted of the psychic energy needed to exist on this plane.

geminis at their worst are most susceptible to these psychic-type deaths that inevitably induce physical deaths. that's why, in this classification group, strokes, stress-related heart disease, and mental illness all tend to run high. it's the perception related faculties are the ones that tend to fail. they just burn them out.

in europe, i was up late one night talking to someone, and i told her how people shed who they are the way snakes shed skin, but much more subtly, but more frequently. If you think about the human body and how often we shed our cells, even if some cells stay the same for a very long period of time, the majority of the cells from any given moment are gone. So I think about what percentage of my cells from when I was in Europe are still present. What percentage are still present within me from my last birthday? From the time I broke up with the last person I loved? From the first time I had sex? From my kindergarten graduation? And to think that the parts of me that were there are mostly gone, means that I am mostly a different person from who I was then, literally. Sometimes it's weird think back to a time and realize, "I will literally, never be EXACTLY person again." And it makes me miss that person, whoever she was. Each and every of thousands of versions.

sometimes what life is really about is just about calling into that dark forest, listening for any voice that may answer from the shadows, hoping to find out how someone else is doing in their own attempts at fumbling around in the dark so that we may not feel so alone.

and thus concludes friday's stream of consciousness.