Into the Concrete Wild

After spending a relaxing week in Hawaii being close to the ocean and feeling all the negative ions from the crashing surf wash my anxieties and worries away, I took off again over the weekend for camping with the Michigan crew.

We went to Lake Perris which is about an hour and a half east of LA, close to Riverside. We were promised swimming, hiking, fishing, etc., but as it is with us, inevitably it turned into mostly eating and drinking.

I carpooled with Rebecca but we ran late because I did such things as leave my pillows, towels, wallet and blackberry-flavored joint at home. The drive over was fun, because it gave Rebecca and I time to bond. As Saturn moves through my 1st house and I discover what it's like to be fearless in an Aries kind of way, I've found that I've been spending time with a lot of Aries, getting to know their outlook on life. Rebecca is a quintessential Aries--strong, open, friendly with a very clean, straightforward no-bullshit energy. We mostly talked about dating, since our exes seemed to have bonded together in creating some kind of bitter wallowing superforce, so it's only natural that we bond together as a we're-the-bigger-people-and-don't-give-a-shit superforce. I found it interesting that she has things she needs to return to her ex, and he asked her to call my ex to coordinate. It just seems weird.

She said she read some study that said that a girl should go through at least 12 relationships before settling down, because that way a woman really knows what she wants in a partner, and has enough experience to better navigate the obstacles. She's had 18 relationships. I've had 10 (I counted ones that weren't really long-term committed relationships per se, but were deep connections where I learned a lot about the other person and myself). I guess I have two more to go, huh? I hate break ups.

We got to Lake Perris and it's this huge lake set within a desert mountain range. The campsite wasn't really a roughing-it site as the driveways were concrete, the bathrooms featured flush toilets and you could drive 5 minutes to a Target Superstore to get anything you may have forgotten. But if you looked at it from a different angle, it kinda looked like the African bush. Kinda.

We set up our tents, trying to avoid the fire ant hills, and Josh set up a hammock between two trees that looked like a human slingshot:

Sareet brought her child (aka dog) who was miserable:

We ate:

And drank:

And ate:

And drank:

And we learned that we love Maker's Mark and hot dogs:

Mostly we told funny stories about people who weren't there to defend themselves:

At night, the full moon over the mountains and water was incredible, and I stood there staring at it for a while trying to feel the energy of the night. I'm convinced that the energy at night is different from the energy of the day in a way you can physically feel. I recognize that if I give into it, I'm a different person at night than in the day. I'm more open, more myself.

Sitting around the campfire, I tried to watch people and feel out who they are, what things are special about them. Kind of an exercise in appreciation, trying to notice something that I may not have noticed before. Max is an incredible story teller. He's passionate about his ideas, and he's riveting. He told us how he used to work for a VH1 pop-up show, and how his company told them it was okay to make stuff up. So they were doing a segment on how Peter Yarrow from Peter, Paul & Mary was arrested for basically coming on to a 14 year-old girl. He served time in prison, so Max threw in a "fact" that he was raped 17 times in prison. Somehow, this fact got through the people at his company, and got through VH1 even, before the whole segment was scrapped because Peter Yarrow didn't want them to air that bit about his life. He did say that one of his made-up facts did air. They did a segment about James Brown running from the cops (his famous incident was a high-speed car chase that ended in his car upside down in the desert and him standing next to it, high on coke and alcohol, and saying, "Is there a problem, officer?"). Max slipped in a "fact" that James Brown has previously led the police on 5 other chases.

Max is lucky because he's very cerebral and spends a lot of time inside his head, but Sareet takes really good care of him. She's responsible and very nurturing so it's sweet to see how she looks out for him and people in general. She reminds me of a benevolent den mom. She'll make a good soccer mom one day. Not those catty ones that are crazy bitchy competitive, but the kind that always has antiseptic and band-aids, tells even the fat kid that he played really well and really means it, and brings orange slices instead of Ho Ho's because it's better for the kids. She saved my life this weekend with aloe gel.

Amol has a good heart and is really responsible. I think he's privately dealing with feeling like a second-class citizen in his household, because his parents expect that he's a male so he should be able to take care of himself, while his sister gets spoiled. While intellectually, you can say, well, it's because of the culture bias or they expect more out of him, but I think this slight still makes him angry deep down that his parents don't give him an equal amount of support, or that in a way, it means they don't love/protect him as much as another member of the family. He's brought up this disparity a lot. I think a lot of men will rant about things, but they'll cut off their emotional lives because delving too deeply would mean they have to confront things that make them feel sad, hurt, angry, inadequate, etc. and it can feel overwhelming.

There is something eating at Rebecca. Her eyes are somewhere else sometimes. I think it's the uncertainty of her life right now, particularly in terms of career. Mentally, she has most things planned out and she trusts her courage and strength to land her on her feet. I feel like she's resolute not to give the worry and fear any weight, but you can see it in there and it's wrestling with her self-esteem, but she's trying to tackle it head-on. I hope everything works out, and I'll miss her when she moves back to Michigan.

Josh has a really gruff, abrasive exterior to mask that he's a little soft inside, and that softness is a good thing. It's like a glimpse of something tender. He's more considerate than he's willing to admit. I think his emotional meanness allows him to control how close people get to him. We had some good conversations this weekend, and he revealed that he's afraid of zombies, sharks and change, with the last being the most dominant fear. And that in his dreams, he can breathe underwater as long as he covers his nose and mouth with a washcloth.

Kate and JR have an interesting, sweet relationship. JR is very intelligent, accomodating and helpful, but he's very sensitive. Kate has the sensitivity to acknowledge when JR wants some reassurance and she gives it to him, and in turn, he does the little things to make her more comfortable and to take care of her. I don't know the ins and outs or day to day details of their relationship, but I feel it's a delicate emotional balance, but both of them are very sensitive and careful about navigating the inner worlds of the other.

We went to bed early and got up early on Sunday morning. Josh made coffee and I scrambled some eggs with cheese and veggies that came out really well for having been cooked over a firepit. Some people went swimming, but since I had gone swimming the day before and discovered the lake floor to be squishy, I decided to nap instead. It was really relaxing, to be outside and to do nothing.

We all left as the sun was setting, and on the way home, Rebecca and I talked about deep connections and if maybe sometimes deep connections don't last because the energy is too volatile, so whoever you spend your "daytime" self with, the person that you have a more human partnership with and build the rest of your life with (kids, marriage, day-to-day living and rapport),etc. may not necessarily be someone that you have a deep connection with. Like you can have a great partnership with your life partner, but it won't be the same level of those deep karmic connections because these inherently are too volatile and you can't build a strong house on this volatile connection. We talked about secret lives and how people have a public face and a private face. I told her that I totally think I'm going to be one of those people who has a secret life, where I have a house or apartment somewhere that no one knows about, and just periods of time where only I know what I'm doing or where I am. For some reason, privacy/secrecy is really important to me, because I feel like without it, someone can control me, or "catch" me. I admitted to her that I think there's only one person I'm ultimately looking for. That there may be many people who can fill this role for me out there, but at the end of the day, there is only one seat next to me, and whoever sits here will be the one I show my whole self to. I feel like many people have seen various parts of me, many people have seen enough of me to have a good idea of who I am, but there are parts of me that are very contradictory that no one has seen. Many have seen a lot, no one has seen all. And I have never given my heart away, because I don't know how to put down my defenses. As Colin says, I don't have a wall in front of me, I have a maze. And that maze has a way of leading people into dead-ends, so whoever someday finds me had better be smart and be able to see larger pictures. I think of it like Excalibur...I hope someday to meet someone with enough courage to be able to pull that sword out of the stone and open up my heart. And in turn, I will give that person unquestioning devotion. I really hope that person is a good person, but I feel like deep down, I'll know.

When Rebecca dropped me off, I said to her, "Enjoy your shower." As it came out of my mouth, I realized it was a strange thing to say to another woman, but for being as dirty and dusty as we all were, I felt like showering was going to be an amazing experience.

I *Heart* Late Fees

I have a problem. I can't return a video on time. I thought I would solve the problem by getting Netflix, and sometimes I'm crazy obsessed with Netflix efficiency, where I'll time how long it will take me to watch something and how quickly I can get it in the mail to get another one, so the rental-fee value of the number of DVDs I've watched surpasses the monthly Netflix cost. But then at some point, I'll fall into my Netflix K-hole where I'll hold the same DVD's for 6 months because I just can't drum up enough interest to watch them. During this time, I'll also rent movies from the Hollywood Video which is a 10 minute walk/2 minute drive from my house. The problem is that 9 out of 10 movies I rent will be returned late. Sometimes it's just a day late. Sometimes it's 2 months. Sometimes it literally takes me 2 months to watch a movie in 15 minute increments (this always does films a disservice because inevitably, I'll recall these films as being "boring," even though I recognize the manner in which they were viewed may have contributed to my inability to become immersed in the experience). Sometimes I watch the film right away, but just can't bring myself to remember or physically make the effort to bring the video back. Sometimes I don't even watch it. Like the $40 I paid Hollywood Video in late fees last year for Alice in Wonderland which I never even watched.

I admitted this problem to someone I knew a few years ago and he said that not being able to return movies on time is an actual symptom of a psychological issue. "Like being a serial killer?" I ask, thinking about the dude from American Psycho. No wait, he was obsessed with returning his videos on time.

When I finally returned Sexy Beast after needing two calls from a live rep at Hollywood Video asking me nicely, I started thinking about that conversation I had years ago and wondering what it was that made it so hard for me to return my videos on time. I mean, if I've already watched the movie, and the store is so close, and I'm in fact at the Starbuck's next door five days a week...why can't I make that extra little effort to return a freakin' video? Why do I get so freaked out when I then have a massive late fee often worth more than the DVD itself?

I did some research and this is what I found:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/30/business/30instincts.html?ex=1325134800&en=a46c0c7842abc8f3&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss

http://www.hbs.edu/research/pdf/07-099.pdf

Somewhere in all this, I need to find out why I irrationally procrastinate in this realm, and how to overcome it, because I'm sure Hollywood Video would appreciate it if I could just be a better person.

Doug J. Koonz Jr., Age 43, Certified Accountant and Father of Three, Pushes a Complete Stranger Into the Path of an Oncoming Train


downtown in the summer swelter
men in black suits
impropriety in shade and dress
jagged-eyed pushers with
mouths full of teeth
braking for the scent of submission

the subways packed by sundown
back alley whispers
smells that invade and pry away good senses
auras like paint swirling down rusted drains

lost.

trying to get out is hard work
you may as well stay
you may as well stay

he threw his life away
all his eggs in someone else’s basket
said to himself
dreams are but an immaculate memory
a consolation for lack of inertia

a voice inside interrupted,

do something. before you disappear

the urgency was palpable.

his mother always said
he never was one who could make his own decisions

until the tracks called out to him
begged
widening its gaping mouth of insolent need
his own eyes reflecting the only answer he knew

who was he not to be generous?

From Overworked & Underfucked:

George of the (Pubic) Jungle

I will now leave the room as you laugh yourself silly.

i've realized that this is me:

my mind is the strongest
but my heart is the most developed
and my ego is that little brother that wants to fight everyone and needs to gain maturity.

i think right now i am learning how to discipline my ego, to be a bigger person, to take the high road, and to put my ego aside, even when it's wounded, and try to reach out and communicate.

no matter what other people do, at least you know that you were a big person, and that a wounded ego never killed anyone.

Here's what I realized.

My favorite thing about traveling, is coming home.

Having a newfound appreciation of your surroundings and your life.

Being able to look at things with new perspective and fully appreciate them.

Every relationship...friendships, romantic partnerships...should go through a period of separation, where each person discovers new things on their own that they can come back and share with each other.

I really opened up myself this week to the answers, the ones I've been afraid to see.

The key is to confront your fear.

Right around my birthday, I made a list of things I'm afraid of, without really being fully conscious of them. Ever since my birthday, I've been fearlessly tackling them one by one. It's not even a conscious thing. It's like I'll do something and I'm totally comfortable with it, and then I'll realize, hey, weren't you afraid to do that? It's pretty fucking wicked. It cracks me up.

Like talking to my boss yesterday. I talked to him the way I would talk to an idiot boyfriend who can't be responsible, and you're just fed up trying to talk to him like an adult. I would have never thought I had it in me because of my fear of authority, but I guess I did. Today he was all nice and accommodating when I got to the office, an hour and a half late. Whatever.

And surfing. Just weeks ago I was talking about how I was afraid of the ocean. I always freak out about having my legs in the water because I can't see what's going on down there. The thing is, Hawaii was probably the safest place for me to conquer that fear because the water is so shallow and clear. Surfing was a blast. I had no fear and felt like I'd been doing it my entire life but had just forgotten how. I think that was what turned my instructor on, that I just wasn't afraid and didn't want to stop or rest. Afterwards, I was sitting on my hotel balcony in the darkness, I realized I hadn't been scared at all and had basically resolved some of my fear of the ocean.

Here's the funniest thing. I was walking around the luau and thinking about how good I was feeling about confronting my fears, and how maybe I should try skydiving. I was weighing my fear when my aunt, who was walking next to me, suddenly said, "Have you ever tried skydiving?" I looked at her, surprised, and said, "I was just thinking that!" The weird thing was, she didn't even follow up or explain the question. She just kept walking in silence.

I am learning to confront my fear of letting go. That it's okay if people love me but I don't want to commit to them or devote myself to just them. I'm coming to terms with my overwhelming feeling of obligation that I have to take care of them. I'm learning that it's okay to be free and you don't have to feel guilty.

I think I'm reluctant to commit to one person because I have so many unexpected deep connections with people, that if I committed to one person, I would feel like I'm an inherently dishonest or disloyal person knowing that these connections are out there and I never know when it's going to happen. And my mind and upbringing gave me such a strong code of honor, that it breaks my heart to think that I could betray another human being, or more accurately, that another human being might feel that I have betrayed him. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and say that I will absolutely be faithful to you, and know that I am sure. That no one else in this world matters more to me but you. I am capable of that depth, and as scary as it feels sometimes, I know that I have it in me to devote myself to one person and it's a powerful, transformational thing. It makes me scared that I can't yet. That I've never trusted anyone enough to feel that I can. I feel like I just haven't met the right person yet who didn't eventually become afraid to connect deeply. A side note, I don't think this person is a her, even though women have expressed love for me. I've never been physically involved with another woman in any way because it gets as much internal response from me as the thought of getting involved with an immediate family member, and I'm just totally turned off by the thought of having sex with a woman; I know I can't be in an intimate relationship without having someone that I feel sexually comfortable with, which has been some of my issues with men. I want to go really deep, but to do that requires a great deal of trust. Trust takes time and mutual willingness and openness to build up. But so many people get scared, because true intimacy is a powerful and amazing thing, but you do have to be completely and utterly vulnerable. Naked. Defenseless. All you can do is pray that the other person is a good person who will be gentle and careful to not hurt you.

I get close to so many people, never more than one at a time, and what it is between us is like a secret we're afraid to tell anyone about, or don't know how to tell anyone about. It's like there's a moment where a complete stranger looks at you, and something in their head clicks and you see it in their eyes. It's as if they say, this is crazy but...do i know you? And maybe you dance around each other, feel each other out, maybe put on masks based on who you think the other person might want to see. But at some point you meet up in a secret, private place and mutually experienced a moment of complete vulnerability, where you are exactly who you are, and there's actually another person who is seeing it. It's like electricity when it happens. But you can never hang on to it because it's so volatile. I always think of Nikola Tesla, when he first realized the power of electricity, this powerful secret that he managed to successfully share with the world despite all the knuckleheaded ignorance of people around him. How many people have experienced this? Why aren't we all doing it? What amazes me is the power of what can happen between two people who are truly connected. It's a whole other level.

I made a grown man pensive at the bar this week.

I had just written something I was very happy with, and was filled with all that excited good feeling of having been able to output something honest. I realized I hadn't gone out at all at night this entire trip because I've been so exhausted, so I wanted to go out and check out a bar. I went to the Yardhouse because they've got good beer on tap. I was really hoping they had this lemon lager from a brewery in Oregon that I really love (they didn't). Plus it was within walking distance and I preferred to walk. When I got there, the vibe was weird so I set my objective as seeing if I could have one beer without someone talking to me. I just wanted to sit and feel the place in peace. I put out my most unapproachable vibe, got a snakebite and became mesmerized by the extreme videos. Something about all the physical activities this week, the surfing and the kayaking, made me really appreciate extreme videos. Or I was so exhausted I was mildly high, but they totally titillated my brain. So my beer was my hourglass...when I'm done, I'm out. I was having fun watching the videos but I wasn't really loving the place either, so I wasn't nursing the beer. I was almost done when some guy asked if he could sit next to me. My eyes never really left the screen but I note he had dark hair, was about late 30's, early 40's, decent looking guy with some wear and tear, standard bar fixture, who can get the older women who are really drunk. Not for me. Beer check--about 4 oz left. I never look him in the eyes. I'm not rude or cold, just not engaged.

Guy: So I noticed you're here by yourself.
Me: Yep.
Guy: Most girls would be weird about going out by themselves.
Me: Not me.
Guy: Yeah, I'm okay with going out alone, too. I don't...worry about that stuff.

He fiddles with the label on his beer.

Guy: Are you here on vacation?
Me: Yep.
Guy: I'm here for a wedding. Not mine.

Fiddles.

Guy: My daughter's actually.
Me: Yeah?
Guy: I just found out about a week ago.
Me: You just found out about your daughter getting married a week ago?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: That sucks.
Guy: Why?
Me: You'd think she'd give you more of a heads up. Do you like the guy?
Guy: I don't know. I just met him.
Me: I take it they didn't ask for your permission, huh?
Guy: I guess he seems like a nice guy. He's totally getting rolled over though. My daughter's a really hard person to deal with.
Me: That won't last.
Guy: You don't think?
Me: Yeah. That guy's going to wake up one day and realize she doesn't even like him and he'll realize he can do better.
Guy: Yeah, I can definitely see that. She can be a real bitch. This is her second marriage.
Me: How old is she?
Guy: 24. She just picked up one day and moved out here. I don't know what she's doing out here. Waitressing or something.
Me: She must be working out her dad issues.
Guy: What do you mean?
Me: It sounds like she's working out her dad issues.
Guy: How do you know that?
Me: You said she's a real bitch. Why would someone want to live their life being mean to other people, especially people close to them? They're angry and they're lashing out at people who are vulnerable. She probably rejects herself deep down.
Guy: So it would have been different if I had been around more.
Me: Fathers sometimes don't hug their daughters enough.
Guy: So I didn't hug her enough.
Me: Something.
Guy: Yeah, I married her mom too young. I wasn't really in her life enough.
Me: There you go. She's probably on some level getting back at you and dealing with her anger by torturing men who want to love her.
Guy: So it's my fault.
Me: Well, it is what it is. This is her life challenge to get through, so she'll make the same mistakes over and over until she decides she doesn't want to make them anymore. Or maybe she won't.

He's quiet for a bit.

Guy: Did your dad hug you enough?
Me: I hug myself enough.

Guy: Where are you from?
Me: Los Angeles.
Guy: I'm from Pomona. Do you know where that is?
Me: Yes.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I work in tech. It's boring and not worth talking about.
Guy: Oh.

He fiddles with his beer.

Guy: I work at Disneyland. I do all of their repairs and maintenance on their machines. That's kind of techy.
Me: That's cool.
Guy: Yeah, I like it. Don't know if I wanna do it forever though.
Me: You've got things you'd rather be doing?
Guy: Yeah, I've got some things.
Me: Then you should be doing them.
Guy: Yeah, I should.
Me: When's your birthday?
Guy: August 20th. When's yours?
Me: June 14th.

We sit in silence for a while. I'm watching a skier take the nastiest tumble off a cliff.

Guy: Did you ask me because of that astrology stuff? Were you asking me what my sign was? I'm a Leo.
Me: I know.
Guy: What are you?
Me: Gemini. Don't believe everything you read about us. Some of us are deeper than others.
Guy: Do you believe in that stuff?
Me: The horoscopes in the newspapers, those are bullshit. It has to do with not only what day you were born, but the time as well. It's like a blueprint of your potential. We all choose the life that we come into.
Guy: What do you mean?
Me: You chose your family, you chose what obstacles in life you would be dealing with and even now, you can choose to do whatever you want to do with your life. The only thing that holds you back is fear, or this idea that your life is set by something or someone else.
Guy: Yeah, I'm feeling that. There's a lot I wanna be doing but I'm just not sure I'm ready yet. Last month I was offered this one opportunity, in terms of work, but I wasn't sure if I should take it because I didn't know if I was ready to leave my job. I'm making money I'm comfortable with, but it doesn't really fulfill me.
Me: Do you feel like this other opportunity opens up a whole new avenue for your life that you've always been afraid to pursue?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: Then you should do it.
Guy: I've been thinking a lot about it, now that you mention it.
Me: You're also going through a Saturn conjunct Sun, which means that you've got an opportunity to achieve all the things that you want, all the things that would make your ego happy. You just have to take risks and put in the work. You have a chance to live the life that would make you proud, and you've got this door that's only open for a few weeks longer where making a life change would be easier, so if there are things that you know will make you happy, you've gotta take the leap before it gets more difficult. If there are things that don't make you happy or hold you back, dump them now. There's nothing worse than being disappointed with the life you chose, because it means you did it to yourself.
Guy: It's so strange that we're talking about this because this is exactly what I've been going through the last month. I've noticed that a lot of people who bring me down, friends who ask for a lot from me but don't really give back, I've been kicking them out of my life. Like, I just decided that I'm better off without them. And I was dating this girl and I knew I didn't want to be with her, so I finally ended it.
Me: Yeah, that's the stuff that happens. You're going to start realizing all the things that are keeping you back, and you're either going to start getting restless, or you're going to deny that you could be doing more for your life, and then let it haunt you later on. Wouldn't you rather be excited about waking up each morning?

The guy's looking at me and out of the corner of my eye, I can see that his eyes are really excited. He's antsy, like he wants me to look at him and get more involved in this conversation, but I won't. Eye contact is intimate.

Guy: How do you know this stuff is real?
Me: What?
Guy: How do you do it? Like what are you calculating that makes you believe in this stuff, that you're sure it's true?
Me: Look at it this way. I've been studying this stuff all my life. I can look at someone and break them up into various complementary and conflicting symbols, and know the range and area of a person's life or personality that each symbol stands for. It's about human potential and how each person moves within the continuum of their potential in various areas of themselves. And look at this. I don't know you right?
Guy: Right.
Me: I don't know your name, I don't know who you really are. You will probably...no...you will NEVER see me again. I'm a complete stranger. But all of a sudden, you walk up to me and the strangest thing is what I'm saying makes sense to you and what you're going through right now.
Guy: Yeah, I just walked over because I thought you were cute, but what you're saying makes sense because it's exactly what I've been going through lately. I've never had a conversation like this.
Me: Then there's probably a reason why you walked up to me in this bar and started talking to me, and why I'm saying these things. I don't usually talk like this with everyone that walks up to me in a bar. Maybe the universe wanted you to hear something, or wanted to give you a push. Look, this happens to me a lot. I'll go to some random place and someone will talk to me, and we're talking about random shit, but for some reason, it makes sense to both of us. And we don't even know each other or what we're talking about, until we walk away and look back and say, hey, that was a pretty random but significant conversation. Every one of these connections has something to give and teach and something to learn and receive. So whatever I'm saying to you, if it makes sense, take it for what it's worth. If you get weirded out, then just chalk it up to midnight in a bar.

He nods and keeps staring. I can feel his leg tapping his chair, increasingly anxiously.

Guy: Who are you?

I finish my beer in one gulp, then turn and make eye contact with him for the first time. I smile.

Me: I'm just a girl who goes to bars.

I tell him I'm going to the bathroom then leaving. When I walk out later, I see him sitting at the bar, his back slumped and his eyes far away, completely lost in space.

Some might say I'm an asshole because I'm fucking with people's heads. I don't know. I don't think I'm trying to mess with their heads as much as be a catalyst for change. Sometimes when I'm tired, I get tired of having to maintain a pretense, a mask, so all I say is the truth, what I see, what I feel, what I believe. I'm especially like this when I'm high because it's like I'm not allowed to be anything but honest. But there's never manipulation behind it, where I'm trying to get something I want out of it. I just say the first honest thing that comes out of my head, and sometimes, it makes sense to the other person. I don't think I'm psychic. I think all of us can read people just by really listening to them and seeing them, but most people don't try because they don't really listen to or see themselves. I think it's very clear that 90% of people are not fulfilling their full potential. Sometimes you just have to remind them that if there's something they want to do, why not try. Why not attempt freedom and success?

Sareet and I had an interesting conversation today. She said that she doesn't believe in fear of success, that it's really just a fear of failure. I said that fear of success is really fear of getting your hopes up and then failing. Some people have gone through so much disappointment in their lives, that they're terrified to hope they are more, that their lives can be better. I can't say that I, myself, am exempt from this prison, this shackling fear. But I'm trying. I'm really trying. And sometimes, by helping others push off and reach towards their potential, it shows me that it's possible so that I can strive for the same. I've never thought I was smarter or stronger or wiser than other people. I'm just good at seeing perspectives. And I hope that with my gift of objectivity and perspective, that by watching people change and expand, it helps me understand how I can navigate my own potential.

I'm sitting at my Starbuck's trying to get some good work done, and I'm watching the same people that I've seen over the years walk in. When I recognize how quickly these kids are growing up, I wonder if it means I spend way too much time here.

Megan Mullally of Will & Grace fame has a website called Supreme Storytelling. She basically poses a topic and people submit. I submitted an edited down version of my crush list that I blogged a few years back, under the topic, "Most Inexplicable Crush."

I can't remember if I came up with the title, "To All the Men I've Crushed Before" or if they came up with it for me, but I like all the implications of the title, except for the one that makes me seem really, really fat.

Here's my story.

I am looking for someone. All I know is his name and where he worked last year.

He slipped me a note that I couldn't respond to at the time, but I always kept it.

Without actively searching, I'm curious if I can find him.

I got pissed off at my boss today. I'm vacationing in Hawaii, yet I've got strong enough work ethic to check in and make sure my customers are taken care of, checking in on work email and responding to people who need assistance. The one thing that my accounts love about me is whatever they need, I get it to them promptly. I take customer service and satisfaction very seriously, which is why I'm the newest salesperson but I'm already one of the top salespeople. One customer is having a big issue because one of our salespeople looks like he made an under the table offer to their partner, and it's screwing up their deal with this company. So I got a panicked email from him saying he feels like there's more than one story floating around and he feels like he's caught in the middle of our own office politics. This is not good. I called my boss to let him know that this is something he has to take care of, but the guy is so non-confrontational and a terrible manager. So here I am, on my vacation, letting him know that we have a customer who is unhappy, a customer who also represents a huge amount of potential business. So what does he do? He tells me to just tell the customer that he must be mistaken and to not worry about it. I tell my boss, no, that's not going to cut it. We need to clear this up on our side first so we don't lose this guy's trust that our company is stable, because nothing makes a company look more unstable than a lack of internal communication, inconsistent policies and internal backstabbing. So my boss gets flustered and tells me to deal with it, and I straight up tell him he needs to talk to the other salesperson to find out what he told his customer, and find out if he's cutting a deal under the table, so I can go back to my customer with a definitive response. So my boss gets mad and says, fine, I'll talk to him, with a tone like I just told him he's gotta go clean his room. I asked him if he could keep me updated so I could keep the customer in the loop and he gets mad and says, I'll call you when I'm ready, I have your number. And hangs up.

Let's keep in mind that this is the same guy, when he gets stressed, if you come up to him and let him know about an issue that needs to be taken care of, he'll stare out the window and not acknowledge you until you walk out of his office. He actually told his assistant that's his strategy for when he doesn't want to hear things he doesn't want to deal with. It's completely bizarre.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm on fucking vacation. I'm taking care of business, because I handle all of my boss' accounts so he can dick around and only come into the office 2 days a week while he hangs out with his daughters and takes them to Disneyland, acting like he's semi-retired. So when he talks to me like he's doing me a favor when I ask him to actually manage our office, it drives me crazy. Why am I helping this guy make his life so ideal, while it's like pulling the teeth of a tantrum-throwing little boy when it's time for him to take responsibility of our office? I know I can't do anything about what other people do, only what I do. I'm starting to think I need to stop backing down when I'm unhappy and wanting to leave this job, but they throw a little bit more money at me, and I back down. My mom overheard everything today and said, your boss is a terrible manager because he didn't earn the company's success, he was given his position by his older brother (our president). So he's a terrible manager and he avoids responsibility, but you have to ask yourself, why would you want to work for someone like that? But he knows he can act like that, because as soon as you get fed up, he throws a little bit of money at you and you quiet down. That's your fault.

Yeah, it's my fault. More and more, if I can be bought out for money, it makes me a whore. I think I have to leave. It's the only thing to do for me to respect myself.

"There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self Reliance

global warming is too powerful for my sensitive asian skin. or my sunblock sucks. my entire body is on fire.

looking out into the ocean
spanning into the horizon
a universe so much more expansive than this

the moon, a broken locket, shares its secret

i may or may not know you
but i love you.

what happens to people who wish upon a star, but tag their hopes and dreams upon a plane heading towards an unknown destination?

you and i are the same...flesh and blood and dreams that can not be contained.

smile.

because your spirit is free

limitless

unburdened

uncompromised

peace.

may all your dreams come true

and may you never be shackled by the fear of those who gave up on their dreams

smile.

because one day it will all make sense

*****

i hope someday you'll find me

like the poetry of the ocean and the infinite horizon

*****

smile.

because it's the truth

because your heart feels what your mind can not contain

because today life has blessed you with another day of living
stretching out beyond all that can ever be known
beyond all that is everyone and everything

smile.

because today you are free

and the universe dreams of you
your hopes and dreams
your freedom
and it hopes that some day you'll realize
the blessing of all that you'll become
and the blessing of all that you can be
still as yet unwritten...

The Art of Not Working

Peter Gibbons: I uh... I don't like my job, and, uh... I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nah-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know... I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.

This has always been one of my favorite quotes from Office Space. The more time I spend away from work, the more I feel like I just don't want to work anymore. Or pay bills. Or clean my house. Or have sex with strangers for money.

Today I went on a guided kayak tour. My mom was surprisingly active, even counting out the strokes and we ended up always near the front of the group. That muscle recovery drink I got yesterday at GNC did wonders as I woke up not even a little sore this morning. However, the back of my legs and ass are baboon red. Thank god for aloe gel. We hit a couple of little islands off the coast of Kailua and did some exploring and snorkling. The waves were huge near one of them, and the guide had warned us that it was likely that people would capsize. Well, my mom and I grounded fine, but as I was helping her out, we got hit by a big one and it capsized our kayak. I turned it over but my leg got tangled up in the paddle rope and while I was trying to free myself, I got hit by another wave that knocked me backwards, right into where my mom was squatting and I flipped over her. When this Australian couple got to shore, the woman was laughing so hard and wanted to know which one of us was the one who fell over the other. I said, that was me, and she told me that was the funniest thing she'd ever seen. I would have loved to have seen it, because it felt pretty comedic.

After kayaking, I went surfing but it was incredibly crowded. I caught one wave and rode it for a bit, so I was happy. My arms were really tired from kayaking though, so I only stayed out for an hour.

I have to say that I've seen more six packs out here than a girl's mind can process. It's like every guy out here has a six pack, even the Japanese tourists. I know for a fact all these gorgeous guys and six packs have ruined me. It's like how they say never have sex on ecstasy because it'll ruin regular sex for you. All you men in Hawaii have ruined me. I've always been a personality/sense of humor girl, but now all I know is that boys have penises and six packs, and girls have vaginas.

My family went out to dinner but I wanted to stay in and write to the sound of the surf. Or maybe I'll go downstairs and buy a couple of Sapporos (aka robot beer) and dance. Each room here is equipped with an iHome so I'm rocking out to my iPod right now. I'm just happy to not have to go to work tomorrow.

Lazy Sunday

Sunday is my favorite day of the week and today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. The family went off to explore the island while I stuck around the hotel because I had my surfing lesson today. I asked the concierge where was a good place to have a really good cup of coffee and they sent me to the breakfast buffet. I didn't eat that much because I didn't want to get lethargic before my lesson, so I did my free-write over breakfast. Then I headed out to the pool and read a few pages of Freedomland, this book I've been starting and restarting for years now (I keep bringing it with me on trips, but never get through the first 50 pages because it never grabs me). I'm proud to announce I'm on page 89.

I chose the noontime lesson because the rep from the school said that was when the best waves were. I showed up and this one instructor kept staring at me and when they were going over the lesson on how to stand up, he kept talking to me so I figured if I end up in his group, it'll be good because at the very least, he seems like he'd be pretty motivated to make sure I don't drown. He moved people into other groups to make sure I was in his, and we headed out to the beach.

I've never really been a strong swimmer because I've always found swimming really boring. There was a period when I swam laps regularly because I got a little underwater radio that kept me entertained, but that thing stopped working after about 2 months so that was it with me and swimming. With surfing though, paddling out is a lot like swimming freestyle, and I realized that as long as there was a goal-oriented activity to keep me distracted (catching a wave), I didn't mind it. It's kind of like basketball or ultimate frisbee can get me to run for long periods of time without minding, even though I can't jog 3 blocks without stopping and wanting to go home. You can call me either very goal-motivated or an ADD posterchild.

The way it worked was we all had to paddle out, then the instructors would wait for a wave, then tell us when to paddle and when to stand up. My first wave, I was just shocked at the feeling of being pushed by the wave. I managed to stand up and ride for a bit, but then the moment my brain thought, "Holy shit, you're on a surf board...now how do you get down when it's time?", I fell off. I fell off the next one, but after that, I was able to ride the waves all the way down and get back down, which was really cool. I've always been so intimidated by the surfing community in LA that I've never been willing to take lessons, but I can see why people dedicate their lives to surfing. It's a great feeling to be in the ocean, and when you're riding a wave, it's absolute zen. We were on longboards which makes it easier, but I realized that if you do yoga, and if you've played baseball/softball before, the combined familiarity of balance and stance come in handy.

So my instructor kept saying I was doing really well, and at one point he said, "I really like the way you surf. It turns me on." In my head I thought, "Hmmm" but outloud I said, "So you like your women off-balanced, huh?" After a while, he wasn't really helping anyone else but me. He was towing me and this other girl, and another instructor came by and asked him why he had all the cute girls, so he pushes the other girl's board at him and goes, "Here, take this one," and then he spent the rest of the time with me. At one point, my neck got sore so I was stretching it out. He asked me if my neck hurt, then started massaging my neck and shoulders. So here's me, laying on my board while this guy was giving me a massage in the middle of the ocean. He asked me how long I was in town, and said he'd like to take me surfing...for free. I thought about it (I could really dig surfing again with someone who makes it easier for me by telling me when and what to do), but then I had to ask myself how much it was worth it for the strings that would definitely be attached, perhaps being told when and what to do in other respects. I told him that I had planned activities the rest of the week, but definitely if I came back again. On the last wave, we rode it together and he grabbed my hand and tried to hop on my board, but I didn't get far enough back so it didn't work. That would have been awesome.

When we got back he waited until everyone else was gone and he came up and gave me a hug. I gave him the guy hug where you shake the guy's hand, then hug him with your arms between you, but I fucked it up and ended up pressing his hand against my boob. Botched. So much for trying to keep it casual and not awkward. He told me to come find him if I changed my mind and I said I would for sure.

On the walk home, there was a GNC so I stopped by to see if I could get something for muscle recovery. I'm kayaking with my mom tomorrow, and I convinced her to sign up for a two-person kayak, because it's a 4 hour guided tour and I know she's going to get tired by herself. I realized that surfing is probably going to make me sore tomorrow and I wanna make sure that my arms can function because I know I'm gonna be doing all the work. I was asking the guy who worked there about what the best product to get would be, and he was this really shy Japanese guy who didn't really know that much but he tried really hard to be helpful. He just stood there and read me all the labels and lists of ingredients. I ended up talking to him for a while because he asked me what LA was like, and that he heard people were really shallow and converations were very empty. I said that it was funny that he said that, because I had just had a conversation with someone about how vapid interactions can be out here. I told him that it's not across the board--there are friendly, interesting, intelligent, community-oriented people out here, but on a whole, conversations tended to be more shallow and you could have a 10 minute conversation with someone, and realize that you know just as much about them after the conversation as when you started. It's the weirdest and most disappointing thing.

I settled for some fruit punch flavored recovery drink that tasted like someone had dissolved Flintstones vitamins in it. It sucked. But while I was at the counter, I was talking about how I love Perfect Food, this green powder made from blue-green algae and different vegetables among other things, and this women making a purchase overheard. I went into a whole thing about how much I love this stuff and how ever since I started putting it in my protein shake, I've felt more balanced and less irritable in the mornings. I pulled it off the shelf for her and went through the nutritional panel, and she ended up buying it. A $50 impulse buy. I don't know why I don't work in nutrition and/or fitness in some capacity. I love that stuff. I thanked the GNC guy and told him not to hate LA people too much...there are good people out here.

I headed back to the hotel, did some yoga stretches, then showered and got ready to go to a luau.

If you ever go to Hawaii, try to go to a luau. It's this big show where they do native ceremonies and dance performances, and at some point, they pull a pig that they've been roasting all day out of a pit dug into the sand. The women wear coconut bras, and the men all look like The Rock. And then you feast. That about sums it up.

I didn't realize it at the time, but as the night wore on, I started feeling like I got sunburned because it became progressively harder to sit comfortably. When I got home, I looked in the mirror to find the back of my legs and ass were the color of an animated depiction of a watermelon. My mom started her simultaneous nagging/freaking out and it just made me mad, so unfortunately, she's upset right now because I used a cuss word not directed at her, but one in which I used forcefully to modify a noun. I guess she didn't like that. I rarely get sunburned but this one looks bad, probably because I was out in the water for a couple of hours around noon and SPF 50 and waterproof is not as dependable as you'd hope. I got some aloe gel so hopefully this helps enough for me to sit in a kayak tomorrow.

I was looking through the pictures from the trip and there is finally photographic evidence that I am capable of managing a 2-pack. I am psyched beyond words.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Warriors fans seem to think that there's a trade brewing between Minnesota and GS that will be announced on August 6th that brings KG to the Warriors. However, with the Suns recent trade of Kurt Thomas and draft picks to Seattle, I have a feeling that it could just as easily be an announcement of KG to the Suns. If the Suns end up getting KG for Marion, they'll be ridiculous next year, and I really do want Nash to win a championship soon. But you have to admit, this looks good...

Barely Legal

I spent the day at the stretch of beach in front of our hotel. Waikiki is very touristy, like a more tropical Santa Monica, but the water is amazing. It's clear blue, warm, gentle and in my opinion, less salty than the water in LA (I absolutely can't stand getting water in my eyes in LA). The weather was perfect, and every time it got a little too hot, it would start sprinkling enough to cool down. Man, if I could find a way to get rich quick, I would love to spend more time just dicking around in Hawaii, napping on the beach.

So to follow up on the guy I saw in the gym, I came back from the beach and wanted to work out a little before dinner. On the way down to the gym, the elevator stopped and in walks Hot Gym Guy. I thought, this is destiny! So he lights up when he sees me and we're both kind of shy but we're small talking. I ask him where he's from and he says he's from Tracy (a city in Norcal). I tell him I grew up in Fremont. He gets excited and asks if I still live there. I say I live in Los Angeles now. He thinks about it, then says, that's cool, like "that's not a dealbreaker, necessarily." I ask him if he's here on vacation and he says, "Yeah, I'm here with my family. I just turned 18 on Wednesday so this is my birthday present."

AhjuWUT?

Hold on.

Stop.

18? What 18 year old has a body like that???? The guy looks at least 25.

Well, needless to say, I ejected myself out of that conversation in the most polite, friendly way possible. I don't need to be messing with anyone who's only 3 days legal, no matter what.

I had told my mom about a hot guy at the gym, and today, she had walked by the gym on the way to the pool and was waving and pointing at him, giving me the thumbs up from outside the door. I told her later that the guy was 18 and she started cracking up. A few minutes ago, she walked by me and started chuckling, saying, "Eighteen years old...what a shame."

3 days legal. Just can't do it. I just can't do it.

Woke up to the sound of the ocean which is the second most beautiful sound to fall asleep/wake up to, second only to the sounds of a rainstorm.

I had an interesting dream last night. I was back in college, but it wasn't Ann Arbor. I liked this guy who was really elusive (he kind of looked like this jerk I dated for like 5 minutes in college, but with a better body); it was obvious that he really liked me, but it's like, he just couldn't give me enough, you know? Like he was holding something or a part of himself back. Like he wasn't fully coming to the table, so he was making me struggle internally and hurting me. So at one point, I hadn't seen him in a while, but we ran into each other. The moment was electric and we started kissing and it was really uninhibitedly passionate (finally). It was amazing because he was present and our chemistry is so good. We were literally in this concrete room around the corner from our dorms and I thought, I could invite him to my place where it would be more comfortable than a concrete room, but it might break the moment by him getting too cerebral during the walk over and this moment being lost. So we were kissing and i think he realized it would be too uncomfortable for sex, so he said, let me go get a blanket. So he left and I waited and waited and he didn't come back. I went looking for him, in the area, at the dorms and even asked our friends if they'd seen him. No one had. I started getting really irritated, because I figured he'd chickened out again and it pissed me off. There was no doubt that he was really interested in me and connected to me, but he was a ghost...one moment totally there, the next minute he had disappeared making me wonder if he ever existed.

So while I was looking for him, I walked by this guy in a green jacket who was carrying this one beautiful flower. We didn't make eye contact when I walked by because I was busy being irritated and looking for this ghost who was breaking my heart. I realized I didn't care anymore, that the moment was gone and I went to class. When I walked in, I saw the guy with the flower and remembered that he's in this class with me. He walked up to me and gave me the flower along with a ten page handwritten note written journal style. He smiled and walked away. I read the note, and it talked about how he knows who I really am because he watches me and he truly appreciates me. He had little examples of days when I felt down and little things I did that he noticed. While now that I'm awake, it sounds a little stalkerish, it was actually really sweet, one of those things that comes out of the blue that you weren't expecting, but it was something deep and private where I realized this person I'd never really noticed before could see the real me. I finished reading and I looked up at him, I smiled at him and it felt like we'd known each other our entire lives.

I woke up feeling really content. I hope that person exists.

I got up at 6 in the morning today but had some issuees with airport parking so I just barely made my flight to Honolulu. I was the last one to check in and ended up getting a window seat in the exit aisle. I like how they explain to people how the doors open and how to assist people. Every single person knows that in case of an emergency, the exit row people are gonna open that door and be like, "Fuck this...I'm out!" I have a feeling though, I'd be the sucker who would actually assist people, because I would feel like if I didn't and survived, karma would kick my ass.

My seat didn't recline, but I'm one of those people who can sleep anywhere, in any position. I don't know what's up with the fact that when I fall asleep in a sitting position, my mouth opens. So I sleep with my mouth open.

I arrived at Honolulu and it's crazy hot. I met up with my mom and it was great to see her. My mom and I get along really well, even though our relationship is really fiery. Any phone conversation starts with yelling and ends with yelling, but at the end of the day, we get along well because we're both strong personalities who happen to be easy-going.

I signed up for surfing lessons, after an extensive conversation with the activities guy about how attentive the guides are to students that may be drowning. He asked if I was a strong swimmer and I said I was, but I get really disoriented when I'm underwater so I'm kind of terrified of the ocean. I realized that the water in Hawaii is clear, so that made me worry less. At least if I'm drowning, they'll be able to see me flailing around underwater. We'll see how this goes. Is it bad that my major motivation for wanting to learn how to surf is to get my back ripped?

We tried to go to this sushi restaurant that's supposed to be the best in the city, but it was closed until dinnertime, so we went to this little sushi cafe that was okay. I learned that I do not like raw clam sashimi. At least when it's served at a little beachfront sushi dive.

There's an ABC store every block, literally, here. They're like these convenience stores, akin to 7-11's. Yet my mom and I managed to stop at every one on the way back to the hotel to buy something. We're both scatterbrained so we would buy something, then half a block later, realized we forgot something else (ie bottled water, sunblock, beach mats, etc).

We checked out the hotel pool that was supposed to be nice, but it was the size of a regular housepool with about 40 little kids in it. I thought it was the kiddie pool and looked around, but nope. That was it. I realized the ratio of pee to water must be about 45/55, yet it was so hot, I had to get in just to get wet. I had a Mai Tai, totally fell asleep, woke up to find the sun setting. Oops. Tomorrow I plan to tan my backside.

So my mom and I are exercise freaks. We exercise so we can eat. We wanted to work out, so I went there first because she was dicking around the room, and it was just me and this really, really hot guy. He looked like one of the models in the Equinox ads, and he was doing major core exercises with weights while wearing a sweat-drenched wife-beater. Watching him work out was total chick porn.

So according to my book on how each sign should specifically handle their Saturn Return, my Saturn Return in Leo in the 1st House requires that I do things that are more ballsy and assertive. Specifically, one of the exercises is to walk up to the hottest guy in the room and start a conversation. So I've been trying to do that but lately, wherever I've gone, the hottest guy in the room/bar/club has been underwhelming so it never felt like a challenge. This guy made me simultaneously want to lick him and club him over the head and put him in my suitcase.

So I stared at him for a good 15 minutes while I was on the elliptical, but when he walked over to get water, I started asking him about the exercises he was doing on the ball. We talked for a few minutes, but the rest of the time, we would keep smiling at each other when we would catch each other's eye on the mirror. I saw him in the hotel later and he had his shirt off which made my head hurt. That guy has to be a sports model. No regular human being dedicates himself to getting his body to look like that unless he were paid. He saw me and smiled. I don't care that I'm on vacation with my family. If I see him out and about, I'm taking that home.

Aloha!!

i know i've been all over the place lately. but i'll be honest with you. it has been an incredible experience lately, life...it feels like i'm getting the software in my head upgraded and i'm feeling all these old emotions getting erased by all these new types of experiences.

i had really bad back pain from january until may. i mean, some days it was torture to walk, but i didn't want anyone to know how bad it was so i powered through it. i started letting go of a lot of things and people in my life that i felt were holding me down, and i started feeling better, but right around may, as i had my eyes opened to a new level of awareness, my back stopped hurting. i started cutting down on diet and sleep, spending most of my nights dancing alone in my room by candlelight, doing yoga stretches and writing. it's weird how i can go to so many doctors to help me with my back, but deep down, if you intuitively do the things you feel to be true, sometimes you know the secret to healing.

michelle has a friend who was just diagnosed with having a large mass in her ovary. it's a scary time because they don't know what it is exactly. i asked michelle if this was her friend who married the virgo guy. i had remembered 4 years ago, michelle had told me extensively about a friend who married a guy who was a virgo. the guy had a mild and defeated temperament, and her friend basically told him that he was going to marry her. she said that the guy was miserable before getting married, yet still went along with it because he didn't stand up for what he wanted. so flash forward and they're still married but they have 3 kids. but the guy suffers from hypertension and all kinds of health issues. i asked her if she thought the bad marriage was manifesting itself physically in him. she said she was sure. now her friend has a huge mass in her ovary. i think this marriage is filled with a lot of bad energy, and it's killing them.

crap. 2 hours of sleep on a weekday is not okay.

i hate you today, julia. i hate you so much.

Don't Accidentally Have Sex on the First Date

I just read today's articles on MSN's homepage where men and women weighed in on sex on the first date, sex and serious relationships and taking your time. I noticed that the men were older and either divorced or never married...personally I would have liked to have seen the opinion of a guy who's happily married or someone closer to my age group, but whatever.

I've never been a one night stand person, but I've never been a serial monogamist either. I just kind of feel that who I am is valuable and what you share with me is going to be an incredible and unique experience, so I don't want to give it away, but I also don't want to commit to giving it to someone if I don't know that they deserve it.

I do know that sex on the first date really complicates things and puts a lot of pressure, so I've never done that either. I think the approach though depends on the person and what that person wants. If a person isn't interested in pursuing a relationship at that time in their life or is "test driving" people/relationships to figure out what they do want, I don't see a problem with how they want to handle their sex life, even if it's a series of one night stands, as long as how you behave is aligned to what you truly want, so you don't end up working against your goals or what you feel comfortable with. For example, if you really want a fulfilling relationship but you find yourself giving it up right away and guys don't call you afterwards or they're jerks who end up pursuing only the sexual part of the relationship, then you probably have to ask yourself what you're doing to contribute to your not being able to get what you're actually looking for. But on the flipside, if what you really want to do is figure out what you want romantically and sexually, but you feel uncomfortable with sleeping around so you pursue series of relationships that stifle you when what you're really trying to figure out is what you want, then maybe you have to not worry so much about being judged or judging yourself. Just be safe but have fun.

For me personally, there are all different kinds of sex involving different kinds of connections between two people, but there's only one kind that I'm interested in enough to put in effort. I only like it when I can feel a deep connection with someone where you're so connected, you don't know where one person ends and the other one begins when this experience happens. And it's no holds bar, straight passion. You won't be able to have that kind of thing with just anyone...it has to be someone you have that deep connection with, someone who turns you on and someone that you have enough trust with and respect for to want to share something this deep and sacred. Because it's all-encompassing and amazing, almost an out of body experience, and it's worth waiting for. If I feel that connection with someone, I'll take my time, because I want to deepen the spiritual/emotional connection first, make sure it's real, make sure there's trust, and then let us go wild. It's the best sex imagineable, because you're deeply connected and you've withheld that energy for so long that it just completely takes over you in that moment when the dam breaks and you guys get together. It's a sacred, private connection between two people, something I don't talk about with other people, because it's only between you two, and I don't allow just anyone to experience that with me. That person has to show me that the truth of who he is, is that he's special and he's open, and he can truly appreciate an experience like this. It's because of the connection. It wouldn't be as amazing of an experience if you shared it with anyone, because inherently, it involves a very specific chemistry.

Everything else to me, if that connection isn't there, if that passion isn't there, is like scratching an itch. It's a lot of work for a little payoff and it's boring. I go long periods of time without sleeping with anyone because no one's struck my fancy and I enjoy being celibate because I'm more creative...all that blood is diverted to my brain. I know I can get lazy about it, but if I don't feel like someone is a deep connection with all the other elements there, I just think of sex as an obligation or work. It's like getting on an exercise bike. So I don't do it. I can look at a lot of guys and appreciate their looks, their warmth, their charisma, etc., but there are very few people that I'm sexually interested in, because I'm looking for something specific. So until something comes along that I feel is something I want to pursue, I like to talk about it and think about all the what-if's of crazy nights of passion and scenarios, etc., but overall, I don't bother to realistically pursue anything because I would rather save myself and my energy for the real thing. It's just personal preference.

The Hollywood Bowl is Mecca

Anyone who gets a chance should go see a concert at the Hollywood Bowl at least once in their lifetime, if not as often as possible. The shows put on by KCRW are usually the best as they pull a lot of artists from around the world, and seeing people who come from completely different cultures express themselves is something that gives you a whole different perspective on life in itself. But the whole feel of the place, the background as the sun sets behind the mountains, the positive energy, the fact that you can bring in your own food & drink (and they look the other way when it comes to weed)...it's a spiritual experience.

This is a more recent thing, but I like to get high just as the sun's setting, and then spend the rest of the evening feeling the music, the vibes and watching people and learning about all the different types out there. It makes me really love and appreciate people. I think being at the Bowl relaxes people which makes them project more honestly, and you'd be surprised how much you could learn about different personalities or humans in general just by taking in everything. It's beautiful on so many levels.

Earlier this week, I realized that the only person I wanted to go with was my friend Colin. Otherwise, I wanted to go alone. Colin's someone who's himself almost no matter what, so you can talk or not talk to him, and it's still very comfortable. I've found that lately, I've had a real lack of patience for vapid, superficial interaction and conversation. I just feel like I'm wasting myself and my time, because when you're busy making small talk with people who don't really know you or care to know you because they live on a more surface level, you're trying to make yourself as bland, as acceptable and as mildly pleasant as possible. But it sucks! It's like having a Ferrari, but you can only drive in a parking lot. It's like being put into a little box when you know you have so much more to offer and you're so much bigger, and it's pretty magnificent. In these more surfacey interactions, I'm not really getting to be myself with all of my parts present, and I'm having a harder time being tolerant of that anymore if it's not a situation where socially, I have to be a certain way (ie for work, etc). I would rather be by myself, or be with people who accept and enjoy the whole me. I just want to be able to relax and be myself. I don't mind more superficial interactions sometimes. It's good to have balance and relate to people on the different levels they're comfortable with. But lately, I just feel like I've been doing a lot of spiritual work, so all I wanna do is be in situations where I can drop any masks or dividing lines within myself and just relax.

So I had asked Colin earlier this week, and he finally got back to me the day of the show that he could go. I met up with him at his house, which is within walking distance of the Bowl. We had a couple of tequila shots (I realized I like tequila because it doesn't fuck with my body the way most alcohol can make me feel sick right away. It just goes straight to my brain while leaving my body alone), and headed over.

This is Colin. He's 6 foot 4. He's got red hair, fair skin and freckles. He's gay. And he's in a long-term committed relationship. I know him because he was a friend of a friend of a friend when I first moved out here, and he's a good friend of my roommate now so he's always been around. Once he was over at my house and we heard a party somewhere in the neighborhood. It sounded like it was raging so we thought it would be cool/funny to crash this random house party (we're close to UCLA so we figured it was probably students). So we follow the noise until we find it, but when we walked in, it turns out it was all Persians. Basically, we were hoping to crash a college party, but we ended up walking into a party where a 6'4 red haired guy and an Asian girl so obviously didn't belong.

So as we walked, I start telling Colin that I'm just tired of stupid shit. I'm tired of shallow connections and shallow people, and I just want to be myself and not care that it might make some people uncomfortable, envious or scared. I just want to be myself, no matter how bizarre, deep, inappropriate it is, because I fuckin' love being me, and I'm tired of hiding it. He agreed because that's basically the way he lives his life, and he's survived and he's successful. He tells me that he always has these random deep connections with strangers, like they know each other. He understands. It was such a relief.

So we get to the Bowl and we eat and we smoke and we're super happy. The crowd around us is a little weird. A lot of your Hollywood Bowl experience depends on your section. We had the best section at the DJ Shadow show because it was one big block party, one big love fest of people having a fuckin' good time. Groove Armada is opening for Cafe Tecuba and they were accompanied by a live band so it was really cool. We watched people dance--I pointed out some older white people who looked really stiff and uncomfortable, like they knew they should dance because they're "having such a good time" but their faces looked really anxious and one guy was dancing towards this woman with this, "I wanna fuck the shit out of you look" that was super disturbing, but she was so caught up in self-consciously trying to not looking stupid while she danced, she never noticed. And Colin said, "They look like dancing pickles."

Groove Armada was amazing. The one guy performing with them was young and very vibrant and enthusiastic, and you would sit there thinking he was the coolest guy on earth until he busted out some terrible moves like he was an emcee at some Florida resort event. Colin and I both agreed he'd probably be the kind of guy who has ten-hour marathon sex. Speaking of marathon sex, Colin and I were talking about Pisces men. First we agreed they're kind of fucked up. There is no rhyme or reason to them in that you can't cajole or force them to get close to you. They'll be totally in love with you, then they'll want nothing to do with you and all of a sudden, they've dedicated their lives to serving your every romantic need. As long as you ignore them. We did agree they're pretty amazing in bed because they put every ounce of their souls into it, and that's the kind of thing we like. That's the best kind of sex, personally, the only kind that makes me put in any effort (I'm sure there will be a post coming that discusses my love for celibacy). So he told me about a boyfriend who was a Pisces, and Colin would get home from work and there would be a line of candles leading from the walkway all the way to the bedroom. Which sounds good, right? But it would happen all the time until the day Colin was exhausted from work and came home to find candles leading from the walkway to the bedroom and he was like, "Oh no, not this." So Colin walked into the guys room and slapped him, then walked back out. By the way, Colin's an Aries. I asked Colin if the guy was upset (because you know, I always want to know the emotional aftermath of stories), and Colin said the guy was crying in his room and threatening to kill himself. I felt bad, but then it sounded like that kind of chemistry fueled the relationship, so it's one of those things you don't judge and you appreciate hearing as a different experience of life. I think if people stopped acting like all our lives are as similar behind closed doors as they are in public, we would feel more integrated.

There was this guy sitting in front of us who sat there and didn't really move. He didn't have any food or any drinks, just sat there with his hands in his lap. I could only see the back of his head so I didn't know what he looked like; from the back he looked like Tobey Maguire. So Colin whispers to me that the guy is clearly enjoying himself, but he's so anxious that he's afraid to show it. I look and the guy is tapping his legs to the beat, but he's not moving at all. His head, neck and back are completely stiff. Colin says, "Poor thing, he's so anxious. He probably hasn't come out yet." I've got a good gaydar (I'm a nightmare for guys who don't know or refuse to admit they're gay) but Colin's is on a psychic level. It's like, I can name a song in 3 notes, but Colin just needs 1 (weirdly, Brian needs a chorus). So we started discussing, what if I just tapped him on the shoulder and introduced him to Colin, or if I just started massaging his shoulders. We were plotting and it got crazier and crazier and Colin said, what if this turns into some crazy threesome and I said that I was okay with that. It was really kind of hot, mentally, this crazy scenario we were plotting. I said, we sound like we're tigers circling before the kill, and that poor kid's a lamb. He said, we're totally tigers who would tear that poor thing to shreds and just start fucking each other on his carcass.

Okay. In the light of day, that was a weird conversation to have with my gay friend. Or with anyone. But at that moment, between the music, the vibe of the crowd, and this poor kid that we were brazenly plotting to sexually manhandle, for a gay man and a straight woman to plot how we were going to have our way with this kid with clearly repressed sexuality seemed like the only logical conversation we could possibly have. We wanted to wait until it got dark and I said, I just hope he's at least 18.

(Well, he left before Groove Armada finished and he didn't come back. I wonder if he heard us. We did see him when we went to get more beer, and the kid was totally gay. Like future flamer, gay.)

As we basked in the glow of our devious plot, Colin said that I'm evil and it was delicious. I said he was, too. Who knows if we would have really done anything. It was fun to think that we could truly use our powers of not giving a fuck for good or evil. We shared a moment and I think we realized that we're very similar in one very specific respect--the two of us have an ability to break down repression. Colin's specialty is to relieve men of the conflict of their sexual identity, and you all know what I do...mother issues, human potential, blah blah blah. But we realized that we can see the truth of people, everything that is hidden but is still a part of them. And despite our love for breaking down walls and cages, we really respect and love the core of people, and it's that respect and love that compel us to want to set people free to be themselves. It was amazing. I asked him how come we never realized how powerful the two of us are together, that we can both see things. He said, it's because no one has really left us alone together.

Cafe Tecuba was not that great. I said it felt like being at prom in Mexico. Colin said it felt like we were at someone's fat Aunt Betty's wedding. Their stuff that I've heard on KCRW is so much better. The crowd enjoyed it though. Especially when they chanted "Mexico...Mexico..."

We left when we couldn't stand it anymore (a lot of people were walking out. As the guy next to me said about the band, "This gives me hope that anyone can be in a band."), and went back to Colin's place. I had some port with Martin and we all watched Devil's Backbone, which is an amazing but scary movie. I noted to myself that I have a strong feeling that their new house has bad energy in it. There is something wrong there, and it's an energy that will break their relationship by bringing out negative feelings and feelings of separation and isolation. Later, I talked to Brian about it and he said he was so glad that I mentioned that because he felt it too, but he could never put his finger on it. He said the house used to be a duplex so there's something very compartmentalized about the energy flow. I told him that I was worried about their relationship, and he said he was, too.

Okay. I've been stewing about the paparazzi thing for a whole day now. I think it's not so much that I'm mad at the guy, because I don't give two shits about him. I think the incident triggered one of my deepest fears.

I grew up in a house where there was someone who could exhibit the most awesome, destructive, senseless violence at a moment's notice. You never knew where it was going to come from, when or why. It would just happen. Like I said, over spilled milk. Over not eating fast enough. Over wanting to eat too much. Or for absolutely nothing or everything, because he was angry at our mom or overwhelmed by life's stresses. It was like being caught in a terrifying storm that came out of nowhere, and it would leave you broken and wrecked when the sun came up, wondering what it was that caused this and how you could possibly avoid it next time. But here's the thing. You couldn't. You have no control over this force, and you can't reason with it. You can kind of predict it by reading certain signs and making yourself scarce, but there was an inevitability to it. I was completely helpless.

So I have all these feelings in me, the fear, the rage, the anger at myself for not having protected myself and my brother. The helplessness, the vulnerability. Look how strong my body is--I have the body of a fighter, a warrior. I'm obsessed with keeping it strong because I guarantee you any physical attack anyone launches at me, I will fight back. And I will fuck some shit up. Look at how angry I get when I finally decide that someone is not on my side but is trying to do me harm. I have no qualms about using the words that will cut deepest and cause the most damage. Truth in words is my sword, and it is always at my side. And should I not be able to draw fast enough, I still have my hands for survival.

I have worked very hard to gain the spirituality which allows me to not get to a point where I feel cornered, where I don't need to be on the defensive or need to be at arms. I've worked to make my mind incredibly strong, to analyze both instantly as well as continually to find perceived threats, to know very quickly who someone is (even their secrets and repressions), and where they're coming from. I've learned how to be aware of my body, to relax myself when I'm feeling threatened, to know that unless it's a dangerous threat of bodily harm, that I can handle anything else, that I'm not helpless. It works in that I have ways to consciously keep my heartrate down, I can keep my body relaxed, I can process everything logically so I don't become overwhelmed by my emotions. I can get irritable but it takes a lot for me to become angry because I've got a lot of discipline, because I delineate everything logically and process information bit by bit rapidly rather than as a large chunk so I don't become overwhelmed too quickly. But in those moments when I get overwhelmed and feel threatened too quickly, if my mind loses its grasp...I'm scared of those moments. Of losing control, of what might happen. I have the storm in me. I have stored in me the vibrations of my father's rage.

My soul and my mind can say, it's over, you aren't in that place anymore, you're safe now. You aren't in that house anymore. Nothing can hurt you that way anymore because you are no longer helpless. And I absolutely know that. I'm completely conscious of that. But there's a part of me that I'm scared of, the part that lays dormant in my unconscious. A part of me that has to take over when I feel backed in a corner, because it's the last resort when my mind, which is always my strongest defense, becomes too overwhelmed to handle the threat. Then what? How deep is my rage and what can it do? How dangerous is my rage?

I meet certain people and I can see it in their eyes. It's an intensity. We are drawn to each other because we know each other's secret--that we are terrified of something that lays deep within ourselves, something that we did not ask to carry but we can not help. And even if we so desperately want to get close to other people, we are afraid we will someday lose control and hurt them. Razor hands. What if we hurt the very ones we're trying to love? There is no forgiveness in our own souls for that. So we keep our distance from people. We go through life and we can learn how to be gracious, how to be kind, how to be wonderful jovial company, even how to give the good parts of ourselves unconditionally and nurture and protect others, because we give to those that which we always wanted. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we enjoy being alone, that it's the ache of loneliness that truly reminds us that we are alive. But we are lonely, so wary of others and so afraid of ourselves.

What if someone gets too close to us and hurts us, if this thing could unleash and be so primal, that it could do things that would morally horrify us in the aftermath, where everything that we have built of ourselves comes crumbling down, and all that is left is one ruined, fucked up individual with blood on his or her hands. How could life possibly go on after that?

You don't want to believe it. You don't want to believe it could be so bad. So you have faith. And you hope. And you believe with the right kind of love, it will heal you from this burden. And you try to meet people like you, so scared but so aware, and you want to see how they can work through it, because if they can diffuse this bomb and extricate it, then so can you. That maybe if you can talk them through towards healing, that once they achieve it, they'll in turn be able to help you set yourself free, because that's the irony--the only way to free yourself, is to let someone get close enough to you to touch it, but that's the absolute thing you're most afraid of. You don't want to believe that this is who you are, this darkness. You don't want to believe that you are destructive. People tell you it's just in your head...it's just fear, trauma, but you're okay. Look how gentle you are. But deep down, you worry. You always worry.

All I have in my life is faith and hope -- that there is order to this chaos, that there is a reason behind what can not be explained, and at the end of the day, there is healing if you work hard enough. My greatest hope, is that there is light at the end of my journey.

Break It Like Beckham

So yesterday, I met David Beckham.

I've got a picture with him but I don't know how to get it off my phone just yet, and I have to say, he was really nice.

But the thing that got me so pissed off, was the fucking paparazzi. I knew something up when I'm headed over to the Coffee Bean across from our office and I see a group of people come sprinting around the corner. At first I thought it was kids, because the scene reminded me of kids getting off a bus at Six Flags, but then on closer inspection, they all had cameras and they were swarming around a tall blond guy. I thought, that looks like Paul Walker, but then I thought, why would they go crazy over Paul Walker? Well, I walk into the Coffee Bean and there are paparazzi all pressed up against every window taking pictures of Beckham. Imagine Dawn of the Dead or any zombie movie you've ever seen. That's what the windows looked like. And this poor guy was trying to get a coffee. There were only about 6 people in Coffee Bean, and normally I don't approach anyone, but he was really graciously signing autographs and taking pictures, so I asked him if I could take one with him. He said sure then went to shake my hand and so I introduced myself and told him I hope LA wasn't being awful to him, gesturing at the zombie-filled windows. He laughed and said it was alright.

So afterwards, I went out to the parking lot and he had just left so the paparazzi were all running back to their cars. The lot looked like demolition derby because apparently, when these guys need to take pictures, they just stop their cars wherever and jump out. Like right in the fucking lot, don't bother taking a parking spot, blocking in everyone else. So I'm trying to walk to my car, and this one guy is trying to do this crazy 7 point U-turn as fast as possible. He almost hits me so I jump back and he's waving at me frantically to go. So I take two steps to go around his car and he reverses at me again. So I jump away and I yell, what the fuck? And he's waving at me to go. So I take a step and he almost hits me again. Then this fucker has the nerve to roll down his window and yell, "What the fuck!?!" I mean, how does he expect me to get out of his way, if he keeps reversing his car into me?

Truthfully, I don't know how these celebrities keep their cool. First of all, I've always maintained that I never want to be famous. Definitely well-known in my field, but never a celebrity because privacy is sacred to me and I wouldn't want scum like this following me around. Secondly, these guys are total parasites and some of the most disgusting forms of life on earth. This was my first up close run in, and I don't know how people who deal with it on a daily basis keep their cool. Because when he wouldn't let me walk and almost hit me THREE times, and then had the nerve to roll down his window and yell what the fuck at me, I could have reached in there and killed him. I honestly saw red and I could have reached in there and beat the shit out of him if he hadn't screeched out of the lot. I'm amazed with how reckless these guys are, that they don't kill more bystanders chasing photos. They're fucking dangerous.

I know I've got myself quite a temper and it's something I've been disciplining my whole life. I've become so spiritual so it takes a lot for me to get to that point, but when I lose it, I lose it.

According to Brian, Beckham comes to my Coffee Bean a lot because he lives so close by, and I can see the Coffee Bean from my window. I swear to God, the next time I see paparazzi come running around the corner, I'm gonna go over there, find that fucker, and throw a drink in his face. This is the pluto in me speaking.