Don't Accidentally Have Sex on the First Date

I just read today's articles on MSN's homepage where men and women weighed in on sex on the first date, sex and serious relationships and taking your time. I noticed that the men were older and either divorced or never married...personally I would have liked to have seen the opinion of a guy who's happily married or someone closer to my age group, but whatever.

I've never been a one night stand person, but I've never been a serial monogamist either. I just kind of feel that who I am is valuable and what you share with me is going to be an incredible and unique experience, so I don't want to give it away, but I also don't want to commit to giving it to someone if I don't know that they deserve it.

I do know that sex on the first date really complicates things and puts a lot of pressure, so I've never done that either. I think the approach though depends on the person and what that person wants. If a person isn't interested in pursuing a relationship at that time in their life or is "test driving" people/relationships to figure out what they do want, I don't see a problem with how they want to handle their sex life, even if it's a series of one night stands, as long as how you behave is aligned to what you truly want, so you don't end up working against your goals or what you feel comfortable with. For example, if you really want a fulfilling relationship but you find yourself giving it up right away and guys don't call you afterwards or they're jerks who end up pursuing only the sexual part of the relationship, then you probably have to ask yourself what you're doing to contribute to your not being able to get what you're actually looking for. But on the flipside, if what you really want to do is figure out what you want romantically and sexually, but you feel uncomfortable with sleeping around so you pursue series of relationships that stifle you when what you're really trying to figure out is what you want, then maybe you have to not worry so much about being judged or judging yourself. Just be safe but have fun.

For me personally, there are all different kinds of sex involving different kinds of connections between two people, but there's only one kind that I'm interested in enough to put in effort. I only like it when I can feel a deep connection with someone where you're so connected, you don't know where one person ends and the other one begins when this experience happens. And it's no holds bar, straight passion. You won't be able to have that kind of thing with just anyone...it has to be someone you have that deep connection with, someone who turns you on and someone that you have enough trust with and respect for to want to share something this deep and sacred. Because it's all-encompassing and amazing, almost an out of body experience, and it's worth waiting for. If I feel that connection with someone, I'll take my time, because I want to deepen the spiritual/emotional connection first, make sure it's real, make sure there's trust, and then let us go wild. It's the best sex imagineable, because you're deeply connected and you've withheld that energy for so long that it just completely takes over you in that moment when the dam breaks and you guys get together. It's a sacred, private connection between two people, something I don't talk about with other people, because it's only between you two, and I don't allow just anyone to experience that with me. That person has to show me that the truth of who he is, is that he's special and he's open, and he can truly appreciate an experience like this. It's because of the connection. It wouldn't be as amazing of an experience if you shared it with anyone, because inherently, it involves a very specific chemistry.

Everything else to me, if that connection isn't there, if that passion isn't there, is like scratching an itch. It's a lot of work for a little payoff and it's boring. I go long periods of time without sleeping with anyone because no one's struck my fancy and I enjoy being celibate because I'm more creative...all that blood is diverted to my brain. I know I can get lazy about it, but if I don't feel like someone is a deep connection with all the other elements there, I just think of sex as an obligation or work. It's like getting on an exercise bike. So I don't do it. I can look at a lot of guys and appreciate their looks, their warmth, their charisma, etc., but there are very few people that I'm sexually interested in, because I'm looking for something specific. So until something comes along that I feel is something I want to pursue, I like to talk about it and think about all the what-if's of crazy nights of passion and scenarios, etc., but overall, I don't bother to realistically pursue anything because I would rather save myself and my energy for the real thing. It's just personal preference.