Michael Bay Sucks.

I love Transformers. Always have. Always will. I used to make Transformers out of Legos when I was a kid, these things that I could change from an object (ie a car or a plane) to a robot.

As I got older, I realized I harbored a secret robot fetish. But not just any type of robots, I discovered. I hate those stupid looking robots that look like they were thrown together with scrap metal. I could almost get into Robocop if there weren't some pasty-faced white guy behind all that hot armor. Specifically, I get really turned on by Transformers.

Why?

I don't know. I mean, look at them...those breastplates. Those angular, chiseled features. The weapons, the helmets. The stances of confidence. Their stealth to live amongst us. Their honor. Their loyalty to their own. Their commitment to good against evil. And even the Decepticons, there's something about a bad boy robot that is irresistable.

I suspect it's an Asian thing, because secretly, the culture prides itself on being disciplined, analytical and with machine like precision and diligence. But hot robot trumps Asian man at all times, hands down. Asian men just can't get that chiseled and self-repair.

So anyway, my point...robots are powerful. Robots are hot. Robots are the epitome of men's men...what cowboys symbolized back in the day. No messy emotions, no emotional weakness, just an iron sense of duty and honor and a complete lack of fear. And guns. Big, powerful, sexy guns.

Given all this, I'm pissed off that Michael Bay tried to get so cute with my beloved Transformers, turning them into these cute little children trapped in powerful robot bodies. I hated how he animated their eyes so they emoted like puppies. Their eyes looked like the eyes of the penguins from Happy Feet. They're robots! They don't need human-like eyes. Just make them lasers or hide them behind reflective shades. I hated that little bad robot and all the noises he made, like a Gremlin. I couldn't take that thing seriously and it annoyed me. I hated that scene that went on forever, where the robots were on Shia's lawn. That scene should have been 30 seconds long at most if it was even needed, and it felt like one of those moments where the director thought, hey this might be funny...let's let the robots improvise. It was stupid. I hated the scene where Bumblebee pees on John Turturro. Bumblebee is classy. He would never do that. It hurt me, that this scene was in the movie because it was so crude. I hated when the kid freaks out because his car's come back, and he comes out of his house with a pink girl's bike. I mean, first of all, if you were afraid of your possessed car, wouldn't you maybe...I don't know... STAY IN YOUR HOUSE? And then the pink bike with streamers...you could totally tell that Michael Bay was like, oh yeah, that will be funny to have him riding around on the gayest bike ever. But where did it come from? He tries to say later, "I was on my mom's bike." Seriously. Unless your mom is 7 and retarded, that's not her bike.

The movie sucks because Michael Bay sucks. He gets too self-congratulatory and he needs to learn how to cut, or how to take these little nuggets of ideas that he thinks are interesting, and save them in a shoebox under his bed to be used in other movies that may be more appropriate venues for certain gags instead of saying, "No! It's funny! Just put it in. People love me so much they'll sit through 3 hours of visual babble that doesn't always make sense." But if you went like everyone else, knowing that the movie wouldn't be good but the robots would look awesome, then you couldn't possibly be disappointed.

I'm in love with Bumblebee. Yellow's not my favorite color, but I would be able to overlook that if he were my guardian Transformer and I got to touch him all the time.