The Power of Choice

One of my favorite stories as a kid, was the one about Sir Gawain and the hag.

King Arthur is challenged by a rival knight, Gromer Somer Joure , to discover the secret to the age-old question--what women desire most. King Arthur's nephew, Sir Gawain (who was always my favorite, by the way, as he was the embodiment of Honor), sets out to save his uncle's life by finding the answer to this riddle. He travels far and wide, and gets many theories and ideas from a lot of people. But it is Gromer's sister, this hideous hag named Ragnelle, that promises him the correct solution if he marries her. Sir Gawain selflessly agrees in order to save his uncle, and Ragnelle tells him that what women want is, sovereynté, the freedom to choose. King Arthur wins Gromer's challenge with this answer and his life is spared. However, Sir Gawain is obligated to marry the hag.

After the wedding, the newlyweds retire to their private chamber, and Sir Gawain is prepared to dutifully do the things that are expected of a man to his new wife. However, once in their private quarters, he discovers that the hag has transformed into the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. She explains to him that she was put under a spell a long time ago to look like a hag until a good knight married her. Now that the spell has been broken, she will be able to look like her true self half of the day. She offers Sir Gawain a choice--either look like a hag during the daytime, so in public, the world would see her as his hideous wife while becoming a beautiful woman that only Sir Gawain would see and know in private, or she could look beautiful during the day for all the public to see, but in private at night, she would retire with Sir Gawain as a disgusting hag. Sir Gawain weighs the decision, and after a long time, he declines the decision and asks Ragnelle to choose the situation which would please her most.

By offering her the choice to decide her own life, Gawain gave her the sovereignty, the free will, to have power and autonomy over herself, thus lifting the curse and allowing her beauty to return permanently.

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This story always stays with me. It influences how I deal with people (you should never force someone to make a decision. You can only advise others and decide how you will live your own life, and allow others the freedom to make their own decisions, no matter if it brings them more challenges or more expansion. The only choice you have is what you are willing to accept into your own life), and how I see my own life in how I project myself. Do I show my true self during the day, but in private, let others discover that what they love is an illusion, a projection of energy that comes from the universe to help them make their own discoveries, completely independent of one small, flawed human being who accepted a life path as a messenger? Or do I appear and do as others, and in the privacy of my inner quarters, project an entire universe that only a very small, select few can experience?

I had an interesting experience on Tuesday night. Someone unexpected got into me and ripped off my mask. It was not an unpleasant experience, because I didn't let myself get defensive or feel fear. It was an experience based on mutual respect and trust. By relaxing myself to remain receptive, I was not afraid to stand pyschically naked and vulnerable in front of him, and was surprised that he was able to see me so clearly. We laughed about it, how people think I'm so complex, or I project myself in such a complex manner, but the real secret is that I'm actually a very, very simple person. How people think they've got a read on me, but it's not entirely accurate...where I come from. How people sometimes perceive me of needing to be in control all the time, when in actuality, I'm not that way at all--my motivations come purely from not being controlled versus needing to be IN control. I don't care what other people do, just don't tell me what to do. And ultimately, at my core, I'm in love with everyone, no matter how I feel about them mentally or emotionally. The most interesting moment was when he said, I know the real Julia because I've seen her. You have this alter ego that you show the world, but this right here, right now, is who you really are. It's like you're magnetic and people can't help being affected by you, and when you walk into a room, people can't help but feel your energy and be inspired. Whatever you need to do to consistently be this person all the time, do it.

Honestly, this person has never struck me as deep and I'm not convinced he is. But for a small moment, it was like a door opened, and I got a message from the universe that had nothing to do with the man. So this is what it feels like to be on the other end, huh? I'm still trying to process all of the message I got that night, but I want the universe to know that I'm hearing it and I'm working really hard to be true to my path.

I wish it were so easy as solving a riddle, how to consistently be this person without fear that once I get close to someone, I will turn to dust.

Is it freedom that allows my energy to expand the way it does, this way where people can feel me and know that what courses through me is a higher level of peace and contentment, faith of a higher power in its purest form? Once someone is determined to catch me and put me as a fixture in their life, will it all disappear, shattering me to the point where I can't remember where I came from and what it was that I once served?

I hope never to be caught, and one day, if I ever let myself, I hope that whoever that person is will help me structure my expansion to help me achieve my ultimate potential, rather than extinguish my fire.

For anyone to get close to me anymore, they must believe in magic. They must have faith in things they can not see, feel, smell, touch, etc. The reason I love David Gray's White Ladder album is I feel it's incredibly personal and truthful for him, that it's all about the transformational power of love and faith. As he says, we have to let go of our hearts and let go of our heads, and feel what we know is true from the deepest part of ourselves. Because the only things worth living for are innocence and magic, and we can actually change our realities if we truly believe in that.

If someone can have that kind of faith and trust, if someone can earn my trust to the point where I truly feel that they have the courage and faith to welcome a life changing experience without feeling the need to possess me, if they give me the freedom to be myself, complete sovereignty to be a pure conduit, and can keep me safe while I'm in that place, then I promise them. I will show them the universe.