Okay, I've had an ongoing battle with trying to get internet in this house, because we all know I only talk like this at night and that's the time I really wanna talk to people. We can't get the wireless router to work, and plugging the DSL cable directly into any one of our laptops still can't get us internet. But then there was that night I randomly got wireless from a router called "linksys." I remember that night. I had been working on trying to get my desktop to connect to the internet for hours and was trying everything. As a last ditch effort, I grabbed my work laptop which I never use, and tried to get a wireless connection. In the 7 years I've lived here, I've never been able to get a wireless connection to work. I could see faint signals, and plenty of secure ones, but I've never been able to pull signal from anywhere. So really this was the biggest crapshoot, but I was desperate. Turning on the computer, the feeling was of almost willing the internet to work, just a blind faith that when I booted up the computer, I would get bars in the wireless icon...I just really needed it to happen. So when everything loaded and I saw the laptop's wireless had picked up and connected to "linksys," I opened a browser and prayed, because usually it'll still say page not found. When my browser popped up with my MSN homepage, it was like a stranded submarine crew finally getting a signal on the radar. I could have danced around and celebrated. That was those two days when I blissfully started blogging late at night again. Brian even commented when he saw me working on my laptop in my room, that we've never gotten wireless in the house, but he wasn't able to connect to it with his computer. The wireless suddenly stopped working two days later, but simultaneously, the desktop computer started connecting through dsl, so I was still able to write.

Later, a friend of mine was trying to figure out why the internet was so messed up, and he couldn't do it. He just said there was something very weird and fucked up that he couldn't figure out. He said if we connected the router, we would be able to see the router remotely, but it wasn't connected to the internet so it wouldn't work. I told him it had worked for two days. He said it wasn't even plugged in so it couldn't have connected to the internet. So if I'm hearing right, if linksys is my router that isn't even plugged in, how the fuck was I able to connect to it for 2 days until my desktop could get back up and running?

today is going to be a really random day. i'm in a very random mood so i'll just spill. forgive me for punctuation and grammar. my conscious alter ego will clean up after me...

brian is at a place in his life where he's realizing that he doesn't know what he's passionate about. i think it's worrying him. he told me about this coworker who's a doormat and lets everyone walk over him. he says that this guy just doesn't have any interests and isn't passionate about anything. so he acted out a conversation he had with this guy and i could see how passionate he got when he was asking his coworker what it is that he's passionate about. i also remember the other night when he walked in while I was practicing piano. He stood in the doorway and started talking about how different people in his life have certain talents, and he wishes he had a talent. I said that he had a talent with words and ideas. he said, yeah, but that's not really a talent. i think he's sad because he doesn't know what can motivate him from the deepest corners of his heart. he doesn't even know what's in his heart. i think he's afraid of letting himself go.

this book i'm reading (blink) is amazing. i mean, while i'm reading it, i don't feel like it's that mindblowingly written, but then i start thinking about the implications of what he's talking about and i can just feel how it changes me from the inside. it's a book about the unconscious that actually does something to your unconscious. it's pretty trippy. i've also been feeling very healthy and strong. my diet is very good...trying to stick to organic...and i've been drinking both acai green tea and coffee with milk in the morning to try to figure out how each makes me feel. it's kind of like alice in wonderland with the blue pill or the red pill. the tea makes me content and sleepy, the coffee makes me super focused but REALLY irritable. i get so much done, but almost anything can set me off. so...is productivity worth feeling like a dragon? or can i be excused for my constant napping by the higher ups, because it's just an effect of the tea i'm drinking? and one more thing, when i say higher ups in reference to work, i'm joking. there's no one higher up above me because there's no management or structure. we are stranded on an island and no one knows how to get off. just think of that image when you think of my office.