I've been hosting various people at our place so it's gotten in the way of creative efforts, but it's been a great time. My mom had a conference at Sony so we drove down from the bay area together on Wednesday. It was a relaxing drive where we chatted the whole way and watched the sun set over the hills. My mom wanted to stop at Harris Ranch for steaks. She didn't remember the name of the place, just asked for "that famous steak place where everything smells like cow poo." I knew that meant Harris Ranch. It was the first time I ate there as well and true to rumor, the whole place smells like pungent cow export, which kind of made me feel a little weird. The steaks were very good, but since I've been eating really healthy, I wasn't able to eat very much of mine.

The next day, my mom had a meeting so I dropped her off and took Michael to get my car washed and to get him a haircut. Usually I tell the stylist how to cut it, but I figured I would let him do it himself. It just felt right.

When he was done, she'd cut it really short, almost like a crew cut. I freaked out inside because I knew my mom would freak out and ask me why I didn't supervise. I asked Michael if he liked it and he said, "Yes," so I didn't want to be a jerk about it. But I was laughing because I knew how mad my mom was going to be (as predicted, as soon as she saw him she turned to me and asked, "How could you let him do that to his hair?" I told her, "It grows on you. It's the same cut Brad Pitt had in 'Ocean's 11.'")

My mom had a room at the Beverly Hilton, paid for by Sony so Michael wanted to stay with her. It was going to work out because Rie and Eric were going to stay with me that night, on their way to Coachella. Beverly Hilton is about 2 miles from my house, along the same street Michael used to walk from my house to my work so while I was dropping him off, I joked that if he got bored, he could just walk back to my place since it was off of the same street. He said, "Because it's not that far, right?" I said, "Just a few miles. It's not that far." But then I remembered he takes everything I say seriously so I added, "I'm just kidding. If you want to come home, call me and I'll come pick you up."

So that night, I was waiting for Rie and Eric and rolled up a blend I wanted to try out. It'd been a couple of hours when I get a call from my brother. He asks me if I can do him a favor and I think, oh crap. I'm so not in the right state. He asks me if I can bring them some toothpaste. I ask him if he can just get it from the hotel. He tells me that the store is closed and they really need it. Since I rarely say no to my family, I figure, maybe this is a challenge from the universe, so I'd better suck it up and do it. Besides, it's 1 street, 2 miles. I just have to stay close to the speed limit and be alert.

So I'm driving and everything is fine though I'm pretty sure I'm driving with my eyes bugged out. I'm okay, since it'd been a few hours since I'd smoked. I hit a stop sign and I'm trying to figure out which way would be the best way to go, when I turn and notice, there's a cop behind me. I'm freaking out, racking my brain to remember if I'd made a full stop but I can't remember. So I'm driving and this cop is behind me and I'm starting to freak out but I'm trying really hard to focus.

The cop stays behind me, ALL THE WAY into the driveway of the Hilton and I'm thinking, dude, he wouldn't pull me over in front of a posh hotel. That would be bad for business. All of a sudden, I notice, the places is fucking swarming with cops. Turned out, the Hilton was hosting a Sheriff's Convention that night but I took it as a big freakin' joke on me by the universe. Delivering toothpaste down the street. I should have known it was a setup.

So I'm all paranoid and freaked out, and sure that anyone who sees me will know I'm in an altered state. The valet comes up and gives me a ticket but I calmly tell her that I'm just dropping off toothpaste for one of their guests. So she reaches out her hand and I hand her the toothpaste and we both kind of stare at it confused, but then she says, "No, uh...I just need the ticket back." "Oh," I say. "I'm sorry, it's been a long day." Finally my brother comes down and I damn near throw the tube at him and take off, not saying hi or giving him a hug...just shoving the toothpaste at him and saying bye over my shoulder as I run back into my car.

I drove so slowly home, probably looking at my rearview mirror as much as the road in front of me.

The next day, I wanted to take Rie and Eric to brunch. I had told Michael to call me when he got up, but since my phone hadn't rung, I figured he was still asleep. I didn't realize I had left my cell in my car. As we were getting into the car, I heard my phone ring. It was my mom. My super hysterical mom.

"Did you know your brother's walking to your house right now?"

"WHAT?!?"

"I just called him to see what he's doing and he said he's walking to your house."

"WHAT?!?"

"WHY IS HE WALKING TO YOUR HOUSE???"

"I joked with him that he could yesterday."

"YOU BETTER GO GET HIM!"

I think it's funny but I'm also panicking. I call him on his cell.

"Uh, Michael....where are you?"

"I'm walking to your house."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I did. I left three messages."

Oh crap, I'm such a bad sister.

"I'm coming to pick you up now, okay?"

"Okay."

Then something disturbing occurs to me.

"Are you walking in the right direction?"

"Don't know."

"Okay, are there any restaurants or places around you you can tell me the name of?"

"No."

"Do you see any street signs?"

"Curson."

Curson? I think that's in Beverly Hills?

"Okay Michael, stop walking, I'm going to pick you up."

I put in Curson in my GPS and it says it's 4 miles away. I check my cellphone and realize his last call to me was an hour and forty minutes earlier. I start to panic. I call him back.

"Michael, what's the cross street?"

It takes him some time, then finally...

"Wilshire."

Christ, he's walking into the heart of the city, in completely the wrong direction.

"Do you see any people you can ask for direction?"

"I see a Ralph's. And an Ihop."

"Okay, go into the Ihop and stay put, okay? I'm on my way."

At this point I'm pretty sure that Rie and Eric think I'm an awful sister and a retard since it's turned into a rescue mission because I'd joked with my brother to walk home the day before. I GSP Ihop and the next one indeed is 4 miles away. I call them just to check the cross street, that it's close to Curson. I call the guy and ask, then ask him if there's a large Asian man who looks slightly lost. He keeps asking me, "What?" but I hear Michael in the background coughing so I tell him, "Nevermind" and hang up. It felt good that at least I knew where my brother was.

I hit every red light and was so mad. I was trying to get to my baby brother! Finally, we found the Ihop and Eric jumped out to get Michael. He had his suitcase and a shopping bag with his stuffed dolphins and I felt miserable that he'd walked halfway across the city like that. If my mom hadn't called me and we'd given him another hour, he would have hit Koreatown from Century City. That's so fucked up.

I took them to Toast on 3rd St. where everyone working and eating there is an actor or industry type of some sort, but the food is good. I introduced Eric and Rie to red velvet cake, which I'd been craving. They left for Coachella shortly afterwards.

Later that night, we picked up our mom and went to Orris on Sawtelle in West LA, a Japanese tapas place I've been reading a lot about on Chowhound. We had a one hour wait so we browsed the stores on the street. I tried on a top and came out of the dressing room and asked my brother how it looked. He's known for giving very straightforward answers. "You're asking me because you would want me to tell you if you looked fat, right?" he asked. I started laughing.

"Definitely," I told him, thinking crap. I must look fat. "You don't look fat at all. You look great," he said.

Poor kid. I think my mom gives him such a hard time about "being fat" that so much of his head revolves around that. I've been trying to get her to change her outlook, to not make it about all things revolving around fat (ie "Don't eat that because it's fattening," "You need to lose weight"), but about healthier living (ie "Fried foods aren't as healthy" "Exercise is good for our health because it'll make us feel better"). I don't want my brother to feel bad because he's overweight, much of it he can't help because of what his medication does to his metabolism. I want him to feel encouraged to make positive choices and confident in being able to take good care of himself.

I offered to take our bags back to the car and when I walked by this karaoke bar, the security guy watched me walk by and said, "You're awfully happy." I laugh and tell him, "I'm just a happy person." Lately, I definitely have been. Though I suspect most people would also be happy if they didn't have a job. I also credit B vitamins for turning me from a moody tweaker always on the verge of an anxiety attack, to a people-loving hippie.

Orris was good though not mindblowing. The tuna tartare on endive dish was probably the best, while the sauteed scallops were good. The fried stuffed squash blossoms were interesting if not a little greasy, while the fried chicken with curry dipping sauce was...fried chicken with curry-infused dipping sauce. Nothing spectacular. We got some fried anchovies that I suspect none of us liked but we felt obligated to semi-finish, and the quail was savory but again, not mindblowing. I equate it to what a Bruckheimer movie secretly is to me. I enjoy it while I'm there, but two weeks later, I can't tell you anything about it. I also get a little bored with the fried tempura style of several of the dishes.

Speaking of fried foods, I do have to give a shout out to Kyochon for Korean-style fried chicken. They're known for frying the chicken first in oil, then in butter, which makes their food the queen sluts of all sluts. I usually order their wings which are overpriced but unbelievable. They offer original and spicy, and while I love all things spicy, their spicy version is a bit like the sauce for sweet & sour pork which I hate, so I highly recommend the original which is crispy and garlicky with just the right hint of sweetness. Extremely addictive and they will put you in a fetal position with guilt if you're on a diet.

Sunday night was a crowded house with my family at my place and Eric and Rie returning from Coachella, dirty and full of stories about camping in the dessert and Prince. Eric almost caught a sweat towel that Prince threw but was knocked down by someone lunging. I told him he needed to learn how to box out. You bend your knees and stick out your ass, I told him. If you'd done that, Rie would be having her way with that towel right now.

We stayed up talking on my front balcony, the one that faces the Mormon Temple. We realized that the statue at the top points in the direction of the Scientology complex, and maybe this is a big war between religions. Considering the area around the Mormon Temple is well-kept, safe and upscale while the Scientology complex is in the middle of a crack jungle, I would say the Mormon's are winning. I'm glad I'm behind their lines. I do have to tell you that the thing looks like a radio tower though. The way they looked in 1950's sci-fi depictions. I'm pretty sure they're trying or are actually getting communication from god or whatever greater being is out there. I spend many nights sitting out there, staring at that thing, wondering what actually goes on in that building.

Rie and Eric took off the next day after lunch and homemade ice cream treats at Milk. I am still in pursuit of a 4-pack, but ever since a Chinese guy told me that it's very hard for Chinese people to get stomach definition, I've been struggling with focus. Had another great day with my family including a nice "miss you guys" email from my dad, and my mom left the next day.

There's talk again about me moving to San Francisco. My dad found a condo in the city he wants me to look at, which I'll do next week before I head to London. I'm still not willing to give up my home in LA though. That night, sitting on the balcony with Eric and Rie, looking out at the temple and laughing and feeling good, I realized that this place is my castle. However I feel about religion, at night, that temple is lit up like a piece of art, a symbol of hope and inspiration, and in my gut, I know that living so close to it in such a safe, peaceful environment is a huge factor in my ability to have overcome the demons of my past and become the person I am today. I'm willing to share it's beauty with others I trust, but I'm not willing to give it up. I'm hoping I can find a way to have the situation I would like, to keep this as my home base, my energy source, while still being able to live part-time in other places so that I can expand my horizons and social circle while gaining life experience. This is what I hope for.

so i asked her, "ma'am, are you lost?"

do you want to see this

Saw 88 Minutes today.

Awful, awful movie.

And Al Pacino officially looks like a crazy man. Who can't seem to stop touching girls in the movie.

I kept giggling when they would show a one shot of him standing there, looking far off with his hair wild, like some schizophrenic homeless guy who's suddenly realized he's naked in front of the Queen at the ball. Near the end of the movie, this guy in front of me kept turning around to laugh with me every time they showed him with that crazy look.

The movie didn't even make sense. I hate it when movies leave out the details that allow them to flow or when things are ridiculous and contrived.

My point. If you spend money on this movie, don't say I wasn't a good citizen by trying to warn you.

Things I Treasure:

Health
Freedom
Autonomy
Interconnection
Warmth
Kindness
Coolness
Release

Relief after Great Struggle and Challenge
Acknowledgment of Progress

Innocence
Magic
Words
The Magic of Words
Understanding Beyond Words

The Swirling Depths of a Person's Soul through their Eyes
Those Who Have Depth

Unconditional Positive Regard
Mind Melding
Fingers Intertwined and Pulsing to the Rhythm of Heartbeats
Longing and Reward

Recognizing a Stranger
When the Stranger is a Friend
Stealth
Anonymity

Observing without Affecting

mostly,

The Strong Belief that This Is Just the Beginning

there are special people in this world who serve very specific roles.

you can find them in the most unusual places but always places that experience high traffic of "travelers."

they have the ability to inject color into otherwise gray lives, suddenly awakening the sleepwalkers or providing moral support for weary travelers. sometimes they put people on life-changing paths. sometimes they are just sign posts.

sometimes, these people salvage lives.

we should be thankful for them and keep an eye out for them in these strange but completely necessary places. be careful not to be fooled by the wolves who pretend to be them. while these special people may not consciously be aware themselves, they represent something bigger, a place where you, i and every conscious being on the planet connect. and sometimes, stopping to ask for directions becomes the key that unlocks something completely new.

Back off of Josh Howard. Seriously, what's the big deal. It can actually benefit some people, while there's a more dangerous substance that's legally acceptable.

http://www.commondreams.org/views01/0315-03.htm

today's realization:

there's great value in stealth.

No man, woman or child can tell me they have balls until they've watched this video and can say, "Eh. That was nothing."

never ask an owl for shit!

I have friends I haven't seen in a long time coming over tonight. They're going to know that I've changed. So I'm just cleaning up, preparing for them, going through old things.

I really need to get my photos organized, especially considering photos, memories, are my most treasured possessions.

Okay, sometimes it's not really about what actually happened. It's how you remember things and people that make you stronger.

I'm still irritated at the career sector, but it's still that intense, simmering stew. I think disappointed is a better word. I still refuse to work for anyone else unless I respect the person. I found my notes for a sales meeting, a sales meeting that dragged on with disorganized bullshit, so I never even got to go over my notes. I look at it and am at first, surprised to find that I actually sound intelligent. Sometimes I feel like I ramble in the most unintelligible ways. But then I think how silly I was to have been so passionate about helping to build a fort when the people around me really didn't want my help. I guess in those terms, I'm in the process of getting over that.

So that opens up this entire universe of...what now? I've recollected all my energies so they're mine again, and now I want to really take this decision seriously of where I want to put my passions. Will I be happy with the compromise of scattering them in different directions, each one drawing interest from me but nothing that blows my mind and makes me melt inside. Or do I find that one thing, be it a path, idea or person, and devote all of myself to it. One is moderate risk with semi-fulfilling reward (like sex with short-lived foreplay) and the other is like deciding to jump into a well where you just may find something that's more incredible than the human orgasm, more fulfilling than anything you've ever known.

Tell me, is the well half empty, or half full?

I've been walking around with a big smile on my face almost constantly. I just...feel good a lot. Yet at the same time, I'm becoming slightly negligent of people. My mind is so focused on making sense of some abstract puzzle that I'm perceiving, that I don't quite make any efforts socially. My phone always breaks down when I get this way and I lose everyone's numbers. Even if I want to call them, I would have to make a concerted effort to get their number and I always procrastinate about that. Maybe that's my way of letting people go for a while to see who's still around when I come back. There are some people who will love you even when you're gone. Maybe subconsciously I'm trying to tell myself that now is the time when I focus on my life alone. Maybe this place I'm in right now is like those sunsets in the park behind the house I grew up in, when the sky turns that perfect shade of watermelon and as you're looking up, all you can smell is the wind through the grass. In that moment, you feel everything is infinite and everything is possible.

So then. What's next?

just got back into town. tell me...has LA gone nuts over the Flobots yet?

i'm fucking screaming right now. are you hearing.

everything. how it comes together from one fixed point in the universe.

ecdysis is cool.

Things I need to study:

-ley lines
-glastonbury

Add to reading list:

-Freakonomics

Lauren and Aubrey wanted to know what I did with the missed connection.

I told them what I wrote back, and they laughed. I don't have time for bullshit and I don't fuck around. But basically, the idea (between us, not what I said to him) is that he won't be coming into my world because to him, he's chasing a ghost, an idea that doesn't exist. But his friend has an opportunity, if he believes in magic.

I told Lauren, if there's more to be said, he and I will run into each other again.

How do you know that, she asked.

We just will, I said. Because that's the way these things work.

4/20

For the record, I want everyone to know I was completely sober on 4/20.

Though.

I was sitting in my car in our driveway in Fremont, chatting with my mom. It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon when all of a sudden, I hear a gobble-gobble-gobble from outside.

WTF, I say, looking around.

Oh yeah, my mom says. We have wild turkeys in the hills.

I'm sorry, what? Since when?

So I say, I'm gonna chase it!

So I get out of the car, and sure enough, there is a massive turkey wandering around at the end of our driveway. I chase it a bit so I can get a picture.

I know we've always had deer and once, I was late for school because a cow was blocking our driveway.

But turkeys. This is new.

I'm in Fremont now, after spending the weekend in San Francisco with good friends for Candice's 30th birthday. It was a great weekend, though I got sunburnt on my face for the first time in years. I guess it takes a major event to get me out into the sun for long periods of time.

I drove up from Big Sur on Thursday, stopping at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk to take pictures, including some of the Merry-Go-Round which I had written a thing about a few years ago. I was surprised but happy to see that it's still there.

I picked up Michael from work and he was so happy to see me. We hung out and went to the gym, and I played basketball against my dad, beating him for the first time.

I headed up to San Francisco on Saturday where Aubrey had planned a picnic under the Golden Gate Bridge with a hell of a lot of oysters. Saw the whole SF gang and Simar told me he's got an extra room he's trying to rent out. It would only be about the cost of 3 nights in a hotel, so I'm thinking about it, about being able to keep a room in SF at least for a few months that I can hide out at when the whim hits. It would allow me to get a feel for SF too, since I like the idea of moving up there but I'm not ready to make the commitment and give up my place in LA.

I had a great conversation with Aubrey's mom who remembers me as a 5th grader, and I told her that I can see where Aubrey gets his spirit from. They're like kindred souls. We talked about life, old souls and following your spiritual path. I told her about the things that have been happening and she told me to keep doing it, keep having faith. You're on the right path, she says. It was a beautiful day by the water.

We headed back and us girls got mani/pedi's and then dressed to go out. I wore a dark green and black dress that reminded me a little of something in Sex and the City, but I looked pretty damn good. I hung out in the back tables of the bar rather than dancing though because I was a little feverish from my sunburn and my 1 1/2 martinis. Guys came by to chat and I was friendly, but I was secretly fading and running on reserve energy. Later, as we were driving home, Candice turned to me and said, "Julia, you could have had any guy in that bar." I laughed. It was a sweet thing to say. "I didn't see anyone I was interested in," I said. I suspect I'm only interested in one person, whoever he is. I haven't decided yet.

Back at their place, Lauren was reunited with the bong that ushered her through college. We all sat around and went through old photos and memories. It's amazing, those beautiful, hysterical, wondrous moments that make up collective histories. I think memory is one of the most important things for a person to take care of.

Lauren said, "Brian told me someone wrote a missed connection looking for you." Yeah, I said. Some dude who had a hot friend I was down with. I showed it to her and we laughed over it and gave it to Aubrey to give us a male perspective. Mostly, we were wtf-ing about the "baggage" part of the post. "How did you know this was out there?" asked Lauren. "I had a feeling," I said. "So I went to the site, typed in 'Morcheeba' and it was the only one with that word." Lauren stares at me the way she always does because she thinks I'm magic, but the funny thing is, since she believes it, she inspires me. "You're always clairvoyant like that," she says. "You always have these experiences that people always wish would happen to them, except you make a life out of it." I laugh. "But you totally said this guy must be my soulmate. But he's just some sleazy tool cutting in on his friend."

But I really do hope that I'm proving a point here. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I worry because my life seems so odd and different from other people, less road maps, less people I can go to who can really give me strong advice. But a part of me hopes that I'm proving to people that as crazy as it sounds and feels, sometimes if you believe in a greater conscious wisdom and you let it show you what it wants to show you by having faith, keeping your eyes open and following the signs, you will find proof that magic exists.

On the not so positive side was this phone call I got while I was camping. A guy I had one of my positive connections with last year left a message saying he went somewhere and wanted to talk to me. We played phone tag and then he left a message asking if I was Osiris. I know I'm not Osiris, though he came close to where I'm exploring. So I called him back and got him. I asked him where he'd been that he wanted to tell me about. He said, "Well, there's Saturn, Jupiter, Pluto, Planet X, you know because you can travel, too." "No, I can only travel inside other people a little, but not what you're talking about."

He gets a little frustrated. "You really limit yourself. You're like me, you're of the universe. You're a queen and you need to take your place. I think it's time we joined forces."

Strangely, this is the second such conversation I've had in as many weeks.

"What would this entail," I ask him, wondering if he's legitimate, or if this is the trap of an unbalanced mind.

"Julia, I've been longing for you. I've been following you from afar, watching you."

"How are you watching me," I ask him.

"With binoculars, with a telescope," he said. "I look into the sky and I can see you, feel you."

Oh crap. This makes me nervous, whether he is physically stalking me or worse, can actually psychically find me.

"Why did you decide to call me now?" We haven't spoken since that night, which was over half a year ago.

"Because I could feel it was time, that you were in a place where you were ready. I'll give you whatever you want. I'll give you the freedom you need. You do your own thing. You've always done your own thing. I'll give you that and more."

I think.

"I think that's what I want most. I want freedom to do what I need to do and not be tied down to anyone."

He gets mad.

"You want to be with those soulsuckers, don't you? Those guys who don't know who they are or what they're doing? I'm telling you I can take you to places you've never been, around the universe. I'm the sun, no one can go as fast as me except you did. So you're different and I'm trying to tell you that it's safe now for us to be together, there's an army now to protect us, but if you want to be with suckers, then fine. I'll leave you alone. I've found you now but if you don't want it I'll leave you alone and find you another century. Because time is nothing. I've got time. I'll find you again. You lock yourself in a bathroom and I'll dig you out. I know where you are."

Seriously, I'm freaked out and don't know where this is coming from, and don't know where this is going. So I'm silent.

"Obviously I thought you would be happy to hear all this but you're scared so I'm just going to go. But I love you and if you want to be with me, you need to tell me now."

I'm still silent. I can't even process this, I want to fight or fly.

"4...3...2...1..."

Still, I say nothing.

"Goodbye, Julia."

And he's gone.

I hang up my phone and sit in my living room staring out at the night sky.

I think something went wrong.

********

I saw he called the next day, but I was heading to San Francisco so I didn't want to listen to the message. But then the weirdest thing happened. My phone died. Just completely died.

When I got back today, I went to the cellphone store and they said I would either need to replace the battery or the phone. I thought about it, it's a phone that I've always hated, a phone that seems to always fail me when I need it, a phone that incidentally, my ex gave me. So I decided to pay the $200 to get out of my contract and got a cheap whatever phone from another provider. I'm happy about that. I did check my messages before I switched though.

The guy left a message just saying that it looks like I made some delicious food. He had no idea I could prepare such amazing food.

I didn't cook the day he left the message, though the night before, my father had taken us out to a nice dinner and we'd had this crazy feast of sushi in those big wooden boats. Truthfully, I think he's just hallucinating or going through something intense and is trying to draw me into it.

I think this is the universe telling me that now is the time that I learn how to set the right boundaries.

Aubrey gave interesting advice. He said, you obviously have a gift in being able to find people's secret pains and giving them a way to acknowledge it and heal. But maybe your next step is learning how to protect yourself when you work, either not engaging with people who are more likely to attach to you than solve their own problems with the tools and wisdom you gave them, or figure out ways to protect yourself, like charge up magic words that unconsciously focus them away from you or by putting these ideas or words into the flow, they give you protection from people who want the wrong thing.

It's funny...I had been reading about how to charge up symbols a few months ago and feel like I've on and off been able to charge words throughout life but I don't know how to control it or do it at will. He said it's maybe a skill that I need to work on right now to get to the next level. He told me to talk to Simar who had done some reading on it. And incidentally, Simar needs a roommate right now.

We'll see. We'll see.

For now, I need all imbalance and mental illness to not try to get involvement from me.

thank you, sia

now listening to: bonobo - dial 'm' for monkey
now reading: walden

Walden! WALDEN! I would have never guessed that Walden was the book that at this time in my life, would make me so happy, that would reaffirm my faith. I really think this is why. I read it when I was very young, before experiencing sex. I think when you read it after having gotten some intimate human life experience in, once you have seen people up close and realized you're not like everyone else, when you read it, you appreciate how he sees things, and how he calls people out. I think it's time we start pushing the people who are powerful positive reality projectors to wake up and come out of hiding.

Before I get into my ruminations and digressions, I'll give you a physical update.

Drove up the 1 along the coast. It was sublime. Saw a lighthouse at the end of a cliff. Felt like it was my sister and I almost pulled a 180 on the freeway because I was so compelled by it. Love that on a Monday afternoon, this road is only for the privileged few who are free.

I love long drives. The way the swell and fall of the hills and landscapes make me feel like I’m following the curves of an expansive, all-powerful woman in repose, the way the handling of a car around tight cliffside turns reminds me that life is precarious, but with the right combination of fearlessness and zen, you ultimately control your progress. It's an aesthetic rejuvenation, a journey of appreciation, a path towards realizing how small you are in the face of the great expanses of nature, yet realizing that you are infinite.

I checked in and the girl in the office with too much make-up commented, wow, you're staying in a cabin by yourself. I sigh inside. C'mon sister, we don't blow each other's covers like that. So I have to go with my backup story, that I'm meeting someone. What's his name, she asks. I'll create a car tag so he can park. I mean, he's not being dropped off or anything is he?

Christ. Okay, we'll play this through. I give her the name of my shadow character, the faceless character my protagonist chases in my book, whose name came to me in a dream. His name... 11 + 11 > 22. Somehow, when I dreamt his name, I had been gifted a name in which the numerology of the letters added up exactly the way they needed to. Sometimes the universe wants you to know it's there.

So I was amused that this was the first time I've gotten someone else to write his name. I do hope he will be meeting me at my cabin. But I will have to get that car tag back.

Night falls and I’m sitting on the deck of a cabin, nestled in a redwood grove with the ocean separated by just a cliff. I’m sitting close to a fire I’ve built myself, and am listening to the wind through the trees as the fire lives its own brief and frenetic life below me. It feels like it has so much to say.

I've noticed:

When I am me, people tend to stare. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable, just wary and more focused. I made only one stop on the drive, at a general store to pick up bottled water. Conversation stopped when I walked in and a happy guy in a fishing hat stepped right in front of me and introduced himself. A very friendly but impulsive sort. I chatted as I kept moving, striding towards the cold display. I heard whispering and I turned to see three Hispanic guys huddled together and giggling. When they saw me looking, they abruptly stopped and smiled. I nodded but didn’t smile. Sometimes you have to be careful when it's a group of guys aware of you, though 3 is less problematic than 2.

I grabbed some water, but as I got in line, the guy who had first introduced himself moved to the back of the line and asked me questions about what I was doing and where I was from. I answered politely, though guardedly, and then became fixated over what canned goods they had on their shelves. He turned to the cashier and started talking about me, about how great it is for people from Los Angeles to come through and how nice they are, and I just kept myself occupied until he left.

I paid for my bottles of water and saw one of the Hispanic guys on the lookout in the doorway and as I came around the corner, he turned his head like he wasn’t watching. I walked by him and in the corner of my eye, he looked like he was going to say something, but I kept going and he didn’t have the guts. I got in my car and immediately started up the engine, made it look like if they didn’t leave I was going to. So as they pulled out, the two guys on the passenger side were pressed against the windows staring but I busied myself cleaning up wrappers in my car. I wish I had brought a hat.

So finally, I get to be me, by myself, communion with the fire that I had given life to. The half moon hanging above the tall redwoods, the loves of my childhood. Nearby, a creek babbles to itself and anyone who will listen. And everything, feels infinite.

I thought about so many things. I thought about people. I thought about how people tend to come in and out of my life, but how reconnections with positive people always feel like no time has passed, though the faces slightly change. I thought about the people I currently have in my life, and took the time to think about each person individually, exploring what is uniquely beautiful about them and really appreciating and loving them, feeling thankful that they have come into my life.

I find it wondrous that somewhere over the last few months, I fell in love with someone, despite not knowing yet with whom. It's like a part of me has been psychically sending out secret admirer letters and has fallen hard, but I can't see who the recipient is. It could be anyone in my life (or maybe not physically here yet!) and maybe that person knows, but no one seems to want to tell me or step forward. So I'll just go with it. I like mysteries.

After a while, it got cold so I went inside and started up the little gas fireplace. It's really not the same as a wood-burning fire, but I'll go with it. I sat in a lounge chair and did some writing. I know where I'm stuck with this book. It's about how I'll need to write this so that people will understand and believe in magic. Because it happens all the time if you want it to, if you allow it to.

I had started posting about the Morcheeba concert I went to on Sunday night but I ended up getting too sleepy. But I'll tell you about it now. It was beautiful. It was amazing. It was like liquid foreplay that engages your heart as well as your passions. There is something so soulful, so fun and frisky, yet so far-reaching to hear them live. I'd been feeling so bad the night before, having a surplus of dark energy and suddenly, as soon as the lights on the stage turned a rich navy and the music began, it all seeped out of me like an energy offering through a spiritual portal that had suddenly opened. And I felt so good, so free and again, like I was on the right track and the universe has something unique for me if I'm brave enough to follow. I was feeling so good and people were looking at me and sharing smiles.

I didn't know the Fonda theater has a rooftop deck! It was amazing, an amazing night to hang out on a roof and watch people. It was so easy to see people, to see people cowering with their insecurities and anxieties, to see people who were predatorial, to see people who were downright bored. I saw a guy walk by with a girl following. She walked with a demeanor of a servant being led by an invisible leash. I didn't like that, but I think some woman allow it to happen by not believing they are so much bigger and more powerful than what a man tells her. Then I saw the most beautiful man I've seen since childhood, his features so fine and delicate like a lily about to bloom. I was looking at him and appreciating his potential, what he was on the verge of, when I saw the girl he was with mad-dogging me. Her shoulders were a little sloped and she was hugging herself anxiously as she talked. Small person energy. I had to be careful because she looked like she was just daring for me to start trouble so I looked away and busied myself listening to this aggressive drunk girl who'd had a timid, agreeable guy cornered between a wall and a potted plant, rhetorically wondering what her psychological issues were that made her so complex. Oh man, if he had a machine to transport himself away from her. I was giggling, it was so funny. I looked back over at the beautiful boy and the girl was still staring at me. I looked the other way and it was a group of guys who kept inching closer and closer to me, all the guys laughing and joking but sneaking glances at me. It felt too complicated so I went back downstairs.

I was enjoying the show, smiling to myself when I saw the sexiest man walk in. He was free, like me, like what I want to be. From his eyes, the way he dressed, the way he spoke, the way he moved, he was magnetic and freely emanating his energy. He was with a girl and I didn't want to be rude and mad-dogged again so I figured I would let him come to me if he wanted to. So I decided to create a little energy storm.

I pulled out my phone and started stream of consciousnessing on the memo pad. I wrote about connections, how sometimes between two people, you don't just decide you like someone. Often, people can find each other attractive or interesting, but when there's an actual connection, something intangible that makes two people stand out to each other, then it's something you can either ignore or pursue. I was going to pull him in if this was indeed a connection.

As I was typing this, I would look up occasionally and catch him looking at me. We smiled at each other once, but I would look away quickly. Again, I was feeling shy and I didn't want to be disrespectful to the girl he was with. Suddenly, he turns and grabs the girl by the shoulders and says , "Are you a lesbian now since the last time I saw you?"

I started laughing. I knew he'd said it so I would know that he's not with her. I looked up and saw him looking at me, laughing as well though she was responding to him, and I looked down again, typing on my phone. When I looked back, he was looking confused, and I knew it was because he was wondering if I had caught what he'd said and responded, or if I was just coincidentally amused by text messages.

I decided to challenge him a little. So I waited until he'd turned his head, and I slipped through the crowd, disappearing.

I'd forgotten about him when suddenly, he appeared next to me, surprising me. His skin was so soft.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you," he said. "But I just have to know. What were you laughing at back there?"

You're so sexy it's almost unfair, I thought.

But I told him I couldn't believe he'd outed his friend like that.

He started laughing and we chatted. He said he had to get back to his friends so he wouldn't seem rude but that I should stop by later. I said sure, but I knew I wouldn't. I'm passive. I let life unfold and only open my doors for those who come find me and show that they really want to connect.

Well, oddly enough, I had an inkling and just checked and someone has posted a Missed Connection on Craig's List looking for me.

I think it's the guy's friend. Should I respond? Or should I let someone else tell him about me?

The rest of the show was great, though there was a weird little drama with this guy with a beard who kept staring and when I didn't talk to him, he would storm off but then show up again and stand very close to me. I wasn't really sure what that was about, maybe he wanted me to initiate the conversation but again, I don't do that right now. There was another guy who came by, and my body turned cold and staticky, pins and needles like your muscles fell asleep but very icy. It persisted so I had to move to the other side of the room.

They didn't play my favorite song, What New York Couple's Fight About, which you can find on my little music player on this blog, though you'll have to jump a little because it's set on random.

Once a label is on something
It becomes an It.
Like it's no longer alive.

(that's for a gemini friend of mine....hopefully he can let go of his categorizations and let the people and life show him who they really are, maybe even providing surprises rather than what he expects)

It was a great night and everything was in its right place again.

So back to Walden. Ol' Henry's a badass and drops knowledge on people, knowledge that many people today still don't get. He says, "We might try our lives by a thousand simple tests; as, for instance, that the same sun that ripens my beans illumines at once a system of earths like ours. If I had remembered this it would have prevented some mistakes. This was not the light in which I hoed them. The stars are the apexes of what wonderful triangles! What distant and different beings in the various mansions of the universe are contemplating the same one at the same moment! Nature and human life are as various as our several constitutions. Who shall say what prospect life offers to another? Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? We should live in all the ages of the world in an hour, ay, in all the worlds of the ages."

He says there are basic things that people need--Food, Shelter, Clothing and Fuel. Once you have these things to survive, instead of going after superfluous amounts of these things, you should adventure on life because your vacation from humbler toils have commenced. Too many people become slaves to life as though paying a penance, as though you all feel that to stay in the grind will guarantee your survival.

I think I got to that point. I worked hard, was unhappy but motivated and diligent, and I made money. So much money that surprised both me and my employers but I did bleed to bring it in. And now...why not now? Why not go and find my purpose, find what the universe really wants me to tell people? Suddenly, things started happening, and crises were presented. Stay in safe situations, comfortable situations, or take a leap of faith and follow the signs. And so far, I've been happier than I've ever been, freer than I ever thought possible.

Which brings me to my last thought.

A couple of days ago, a friend noted that I had a basic conflict. I am obviously compelled to write and put myself out there, yet I'm an intensely private person. I did not articulate well why I am actually a very open but private person and these two did not contradict, when I read this passage in Walden that helped me formulate my thoughts on this subject:

"In any weather, at any hour of the day or night, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick too; to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line. You will pardon some obscurities, for there are more secrets in my trade than in most men's, and yet not voluntarily kept, but inseparable from its very nature. I would gladly tell all that I know about it, and never paint 'No Admittance' on my gate."

Again, I am bound by honesty and integrity and a deep, burning desire to communicate and illuminate. Any discoveries that I have made, I will tell you if you prove yourself trustworthy, open-minded and willing to understand. You just have to ask me the right questions and I will tell you everything. I never withhold information, though I will guard some things just to see how much someone really wants to know something. Sometimes you have to ask a few times and in the right way.

However, I am also wary of people becoming too attached to me, the messenger and point of perspective. Because I want to be gentle and reliable in all obligations, I hate the thought of disappointing people or when they want more from me than I can give. And I can't get distracted from my function, my purpose, my journey. When people become attached to me, I lose my freedom to go out, follow the signs and make the random connections which build a bridge of knowledge to the grail I am trying to retrieve. Eventually, I will have to retain my freedom, be it politely or forcefully. I don't like to hurt people, so I try to keep my life and myself private and autonomous because it's the way I am happiest and free.

If you want to know what I'm saying, what I'm feeling, what I've tasted, what I've touched, I will share all of this with you. No one has ever accused me of not being generous or being unwilling to share my mind and my explorations. But my body, the commitment of my self, I am wary of because I can't let myself be trapped in a way that takes me away from my journey. Thus, Julia the ffuhb is private and shared with a very select few. But her mind and her connection to the universe is always open to those who are also seeking, to those who would like to wake up from their day to day lives and see what else is out there, to those looking for proof of magic.

last night was like getting dropped off a cliff emotionally into dark, swirling waters filled with memories and bad feelings. i haven't experienced anything like that in probably years. it made me physically weak and psychically lose sight of projected futures, feeling as though all the tools i've amassed and thoughts that give me strength were slowly being erased from my memory.

i went to the gym to play basketball and i felt heavy. i even weighed myself to see if it was physical but the scale did not give me any answers. we played a team that had negative energy and it seemed to make everyone on our side frazzled, playing out of our element. i saw b and mike dig deep and pull out heart and fire to keep our team close. they were captivating today. in the end, i felt like i had failed them. i just felt so heavy and i couldn't shake it, couldn't take it off so it was messing with my timing. it's like how i said last night, sometimes you can be two things simultaneously--tired and happy, then exhausted and happy, then nothing at all. it felt like that's what happened last night. and then i vanished from myself, leaving the me that was left in a panic.

where did she go?

i went out to lunch with the guys. they're good people and i appreciate them. but got home, and you know...home is not the most positive place right now. so i'd decided last night that i'm going to isolate myself somewhere and force myself to write, so the first thing i did was look up hotels in portland and seattle...i want someplace that's raining...but none of the hotels looked inspiring. then i decided on big sur.

aubrey had wanted to plan a group creative retreat at big sur because there's both an ocean and a forest which creates a kind of natural balance to coax out creativity. since he got engaged, that idea has fallen to the wayside. but why not still go? it sounded amazing.

so i booked a cabin and will be leaving for it tomorrow. i have only one objective, which is to get the novel squared away. and to get away from things so that when i come back, i will have fresh eyes.

because you go into the woods a boy, and you come out a ma- wait. that's not what i'm trying to say here. but i think this is another test and i'm ready to kick ass on this one.

and as she began to silently cry into her hands, on the other side of the world, came a sudden torrential downpour.

secrets kill. maybe not you. maybe somebody else.

i can't let go of it. as long as a part of me really wonders if certain aspects of life and relationships became unattainable to me because of events 7 years ago, gone before i even realized the long-term magnitude in the moment, i can't let go of the anger. all it takes is for someone's offhand or intentional comment to reopen that door and there it all is, refusing to be ignored. that anger seems to mark everything. say the wrong thing and suddenly i can't tell if you're a friend or enemy. and the problem is, i know some people do it intentionally and it makes me less tolerant of when people do it unwittingly.

maybe that is my ultimate wish. for people to be kind, but leave me alone. because it's tiresome to always have this shit pop up and have to put it away by myself, because really, there are certain things that a person can only deal with by themselves. and i get so mad at myself in times when i become optimistic, when i think, no--parts of my life did not end years ago, only to find out, what is available to others may never be available to me. i don't care if other people are happy in those ways. good for them because everyone deserves having something like that if they can get it. but i'll just do other things that will make me happy. but i just don't want this shit rubbed in my face anymore. i know people don't mean harm, that they don't realize. and i probably won't tell them because i'm getting to the point where i never want to talk about it again, even if it means living to a certain degree in emotional isolation. but really, i don't want to go back to that place anymore.

don't ask questions that you really don't want to hear the answers to.

i'm such a masochist, i just can't help myself sometimes, chasing that dragon.

but i fucking hate myself for it when i do.

hot wax is so hot.

I love how it looks like the tower is stealing god's signals from the church.

http://money.cnn.com/2008/04/10/news/companies/airline_woes/?postversion=2008041014

http://www.slate.com/id/2188745/?GT1=38001

most of us are ghosts.

you're only not if you're rooted to one place and maintain the same circle around you for your entire life, never venturing out past the torches of the village into the darkness.

try to project a balanced reality. you get penalized with bad surprises when you go too far in either direction.

we count our feelings in yesterdays
-shea seger

don't worry about things that don't exist yet.

prepare to handle it, but don't worry about it.

rjd2 has beautiful hands.

i learned a lesson this week.

sometimes people concentrate too much of their energy on jealousy. they're so angry at the things other people attract into their lives that they spend themselves focused on hate and being fearful.

i think that was my biggest change in life. being able to see people have more than me, have better things to me, have bigger achievements, yet feel indifferent to it because i know that when i find the thing that i do best, i'm going to be really happy with it. the excitement of the mystery keeps me intrigued and i'm usually too busy hunting for the clues to my own life to worry about what other people are doing.

i think if people didn't take other people's accomplishments personally and just kept that energy focused on finding their own path, they would actually end up having a life that makes them happy. these things will probably even surprise them if they allow them to.

now listening to: royksopp - melody am

okay, back to work. i've been slacking off, getting too into the physical side of life.

i need a job that exposes me to the maximum number of people, but allows me the choice in who i interact with.

one thing i liked in amsterdam was these food carts that sold hot dogs or fish sandwiches. they would set up in these major tourist crosswalks and be able to see everyone walking by. i loved that. if i could have their vantage point and cover, i would be able to grab all the interesting people and get into their minds.

but then there's this thing called pride.

how the fuck do i explain to my friends and family that i ran off to amsterdam to go work in a fish sandwich cart.

but i am realizing how happy something like that might make me. to find that there are people in this position, who can hang out and see people who are coming and going, be able to grab and have connections with the interesting ones. i think this would benefit me.

i've got to stop my nonsense issue about money. it's irrational and i'm going to waste my opportunities.

i enjoyed office life only in the aspect that i could hide in my office and mindfuck these detached voices without faces calling in in a way that things out of the ordinary happened and suddenly i was making so much money for the company.

that's why i got so pissed when i left. i did something really special for them and they couldn't understand what it was.

but every single person who meets me can tell, i'm someone who really needs to work for myself.

so i'm trying to create my own reality. imagining a situation where i can see myself really being happy, so that i have a goal to work towards, a projection to be painted and brought to life.

and honestly, when people aren't giving me too much pressure, it's been a lot of fun.

so okay, the idea of being exposed to people. i need to be at a vantage point where i can safely observe people without them noticing. i want to see them in their natural form, as who they really are.

the position should also be one in which i can easily establish a friendly, warm rapport that asks nothing of each person but honesty and good faith. selling food is an easy one because food makes people happy and tends to attract a great deal of traffic.

i would want it to be something that can be quickly served so that the register area doesn't become energetically anxious.

staff members would need to be able to mingle.

guests should be encouraged to stay as long as they would like, but the customer base tends to be gracious about giving up room for incoming guests.

it is a place where people seem to really see each other, and find people they have chemistry with. it's known as a place where good things just seem to happen.

it will be shaped as an O

and i think those are just the first details.

this was a pleasant surprise today.

you can't create a shitstorm, and then be upset that now there's a shitstorm. can you, julia?

This was an f*ing great movie.

brian walks into my office.

'you know what else is your problem,' he says as he rubs lotion on his hands.

'what?' i swivel my chair around to look at him.

'the guys who come after you...it's like they turn into chicks. because normally it's the girls who obsess and put up couples pictures on their messenger, but these guys are saying i love you in the first five minutes and worrying about marriage like they're women. I don't know what's with these dudes.'

he finishes rubbing his lotion, turns and leaves.

i think about it. it's true.

my magnetic power turns men into lesbians.

fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

half of me needs to grow a spine.

half of me needs to stop being so nice.

half of me needs to get my head out of my ass.

looks like i'm off to london in exactly one month.

it's like this:

you chase a rabbit into a hole, you might discover something wondrous.

you chase a dragon into a cave, you're going to get fucked.

really think about it.

ghosts aren't known to lie.

great article on joey dorsey:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=3308176

the only thing that bugged me was he misuses saturnine. joey dorsey is nothing like someone ruled by saturn. a better description is mercurial. but it cracks me up how joey's a classic sagittarius. they're so freakin' honest.

here's another victory:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23973513/wid/11915773?GT1=31037

oh, it was such a lovely day today. from beginning to the end. everyone was so beautiful today.

time alone

the fact of the matter is, tonight may rank as one of the best nights of my life in terms of contentment level, because i was able to comfortably be alone. brian's out of town so the house is to myself. i've been at the gym and 3rd street promenade and outside of the little korean guy wanting to talk about jesus that i glared off, the woman who handed me a psychic flier that i was rudely dismissive to and the aggro bi-polar Mexican guy at the gym who insisted i give him a hug when i showed up, everyone kept a respectful distance and outside of mutual smiles and nods, left me to my peace.

read. come home, make dinner. so excited about fresh, raw vegetables. watch the first half hour of hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy which is delightful. mos def has such an endearing childlike quality to him. then just put on a cd i haven't listened to in a few years, drum & bass. glass of wine, danced in the living room to candlelight.

being alone and feeling whole is the closest feeling to being in love, except it's a frequency that's comfortably infinite whereas romantic love, while electric and inspiring, is unsustainable at its initial levels. being content when i'm alone is comforting because stripped of everything, i will always enjoy being in my own company. i enjoy it because it makes me feel content and it puts a constant smile on my face, making me feel positive. i'm curious why people are curious about it. i'm like this sociable person who lives in a cave where good things happen. let's say this cave is in the middle of...los angeles. i like to come out and watch the world, small talking with friendly people passing by. it's a nice way to live. but sometimes i go into my cave to work on things, creating ideas out of all the things i've seen and felt. if people get really curious and ask in the right way, i'll be happy to invite them in and show them whatever interesting, random things are happening inside. i'm pretty honest once you're inside the cave. but if people are rude, obnoxious, aggressive, or act like i'm an idiot, i'm not even acknowledging them and i'm definitely not letting them in. because outside of being sincere and open-minded, i also like people who:

1. don't steal shit
2. don't get envious and break shit.
3. don't refuse to leave.

i don't always stay in the cave. with the right invitations, i always come out and play. i really don't think one world (a rich, private inner world) negates the other (public interconnected world), and it's nice having both.

shit i dropped the ball on my studies. i was supposed to have researched magnets weeks ago, and i needed the analogy badly in a conversation today and i didn't have it. this is what happens when you're lazy about a sign.

my dream last night.

serial killer, stalking from room to room.

i was hiding, terrified.

but i was also the killer.

today:

everyone wants to see each other on the same dates, the weekend of the 19th and the weekend of the 26th. i would really like to be there for everyone.

i was upset that i didn't check my phone for messages earlier.

men are behaving strangely. i think people notice when people are very focused.

a girl flat out hit me in the face today. my lip was bleeding. i just finished my task and conducted myself as though i hadn't even noticed, then walked out.

strangers are approaching. finding the most weird and random reasons to talk to me. i'm not sure what they want yet. but i'm giving them my number. even though i know they'll never call. or perhaps not before i'm ready.

came home. focused on symbols. am getting several reports that tiny battles in the name of the positive are being won around the world. this is good. this is a good sign.

keep meaning to look up quantum entanglement.

i think i'm going to be a warrior again.

smile.

why do i like spending time alone.

well, somewhere in that big astrological tarot rant below it's expressed rather poetically, but i think there's also a far more selfish reason. many people live in their own private hells, and i don't want to spend time in it. everyone has a little collection of tragedies, a darkness from the past they don't wish to revisit. some people get more pleasure of carrying them along wherever they go. regardless, if you've been through your own personal hell, and are surrounded by people who want to share their personal hell, for god's sake, don't take it on. even to be polite.

and i'm also very good at disappearing and reappearing. that's something i quite enjoy, so you can't really do that without being alone sometimes.

wtf.

so i just posted about my big breakthroughs in knowledge last night. i was too tired to post about it last night, and david wasn't on IM when i was excited about it so i figured i would just ask him in the morning if he'd had an interesting night himself.

so i posted what i posted below, and then turned my messenger on, and these messages from him from earlier this morning when I was sleeping popped up.

david sent 4/2/2008 8:27 AM:
hello julia

david sent 4/2/2008 8:27 AM:
what a strange feeling i am having today

david sent 4/2/2008 8:30 AM:
its like you're with me now

david sent 4/2/2008 8:30 AM:
its like you're looking at me

david sent 4/2/2008 8:30 AM:
sometimes even in me

david sent 4/2/2008 8:30 AM:
you feel so close

david sent 4/2/2008 8:31 AM:
when i shut my eyes i can see you. your in the room with me!

david sent 4/2/2008 8:31 AM:
very strange i have never had this feeling before

david sent 4/2/2008 8:36 AM:
its such an amazing feeling!

david sent 4/2/2008 8:37 AM:
i can feel your happiness and joy and your smiling so much!

david sent 4/2/2008 8:38 AM:
and thats how it's making me feel too!)))

david sent 4/2/2008 8:39 AM:
o.k. julia i am off out now for a run and then to the shops and maybe shoot some hoops

david sent 4/2/2008 8:39 AM:
i will be online later if your about if not no worries

david sent 4/2/2008 8:39 AM:
i hope you have as good a day as i am having))!!))

*****
this is particularly weird, because the last thing in my mind last night before i fell asleep, i was trying to imagine a way in which i would be able to go to amsterdam and observe david without him knowing it to figure out who and what he really is.

i also have another theory that i've always believed, that i actually travel places when i'm sleeping and dreaming. anyone who has tried to wake me up and has seen me make that discombobulated transition back into this world knows that i'm an astoundingly deep sleeper who has serious trouble getting back into this world if i'm not ready.

One other major thing I discovered last night.

In my guidance area, I had the Lovers card upside down, separated by the 4 of Disks, and then 4 of Wands (Completion) upside down on the other side.

The 4 of Disks shows a perfectly balanced castle from a bird's eye view, surrounded by a moat. Strong, stable and symmetrical. This is the card of Power, though usually associated with earthly power and no more.

What if we all have other halves and somehow, it's in our separation and projected energy in reaching out for each other that we create Power and balance. We make that Power transcendental by the electricity of engaged but separated polarities. Perhaps that's why so many soulmates, when united, find themselves cast into the powerless realm of mortals, yet the power of attraction when the circle has not been completed creates this hot, consuming dynamism that can make people do things that are normally beyond their capability or scope.

Perhaps, if you harness the power generated between polarities, there is an energetic way to actually introduce and build the solid, stable foundation of a new reality in which you and others may live.

wow. last night i made a big discovery. everything i've been talking about in terms of mirroring and life path was confirmed by a book i've already owned but never read.

it started with my analysis of that egyptian graffiti, trying to put identities to the characters involved. once i realized the hooded woman was isis (goddess of life) and the male holding the male part of the mars equation was thoth (representing mercury, gemini and writing), i realized i was reading exactly about these people right now in this random book i had decided to take with me and read in germany, about how patriarchal religious orders and writing took power away from goddesses and the goddess power within women.

the only tarot deck i can use is the thoth deck, based on aleister crowley's update of the medieval tarot, incorporating symbols and ideas from various religions as well as science, mathematics, philosophy and anthropology. i particularly find it easier to intuit meaning because it uses astrology symbols and concepts which i've worked hard over the years to create a personal language for to translate it into emotional, intellectual and spiritual colors and textures which i can then communicate. (for people who balk at the name aleister crowley, separate the messenger from the message).

so i went back to my deck, which i haven't looked at in several months. on impulse, i wanted to pull out cards with colors and textures that i felt were indicative of david, who believes he is my spiritual mirror. my other half. my polarity. i selected cards based only on artwork, not by astrological association since i know all his personal planets and didn't want to be biased (he was very easy to intuit. in fact i had corrected him on his time of birth. he told me he was born at 8am and when i checked, i told him i didn't think so. he had heavy 4th house energy so i told him i wouldn't be surprised if he was actually born at 8pm which would put his sun, venus and mars in the 4th house, so i switched his chart to that. he checked with his mother and turns out i was right).

so i pulled the Lovers:

Art:

the 6 of Wands:

and the Sun:

The 6 of Wands is the closest in color and texture to his energy. Intellectual expression of fire. This card most represents what he looks like to me. Incidentally, he does have Mercury in Sagittarius. But then, I just noticed right now the rainbow at the top of the card and it makes me think of my Valentine's Day discovery of something I want. I still will not give credence to this yet and will see how it unfolds.

The Sun was the color around him when I saw him at the train station in Berlin. While waiting, I was scared I wouldn't recognize him. But when I saw this energy radiating from within him, I immediately recognized what he was.

The other two, I chose to represent the forces between us, the colors and textures I perceive when I look at the two of us as a unit.

After having this deck for most of my 20's and reading based on intuition and my own meditation, I actually decided to read the booklet and was shocked by how prepared I was to understand certain concepts because of the journey I had been on and the book I was reading.

The Tarot represents, in symbolic form, an inheritance which is universal. It is the knowledge which man has inherited concerning the world in which he lives and the forces at work in it.

The history of comparative religions shows that, allowing for variations due to climatic and other local causes, man's conception of his relation to God, the Life-Force, or whatever term we may safely employ, has followed the same broad outlines among all peoples. The Tarot is a record of the spiritual journey of Man and the rituals by which at each stage those capable of understanding the sign-posts are admitted to initiation. It is not therefore to be supposed that a tradition common to the human race can be ascribed to any particular nation or epoch. All that can be described with assurance is the way in which the Tarot has been used at different times by different people.


I spent the last year asking people to look out for signs, and I've been following them, all these synchronicities and coincidences. And now I'm amidst studying how we were tricked into thinking that power resided not only within a select few, but in men only, not women.

So back to the matter at hand. I still don't trust him, even though he tells me that whether I'm willing to believe it now or not, one day, I'm going to find out that we're two halves and when we come together, it will be powerful because it will make the universe happy because a circle is complete. He says I am the key and he is the lock, and we can do great, positive things.

So I remember this, and while I do know we're astrological opposites (Gemini/Sagittarius) and that I rarely interact with Sags and have never dated one (it's the only sign I haven't gotten intimately involved with on any level), I do know that it's a strange sort of mirror connection that I demand to be verified. My Scorpio had once told me that we each had a key so now we just had to turn them to unleash power but I was refusing it, but I think I intuitively did so because I didn't feel he was the fit, even though he understood power. I felt like he was a wolf in sheep's clothing trying to convince me he was the other half so that I would open the door.

So I look up Art and what I never realized, is it's the second alchemical card, in which the Lovers are united in an androgyne figure, the Prince becoming white and the Princess black, the red lion white, the white eagle red and the cup is lighting the torch. There is a crucible engraved with a raven standing on a skull which holds the seething elements whose iridescent bubbles are reflected by the rainbow overhead. All these typify the destruction of two elements at the birth of a third. The inscription on the rainbow is the alchemical mandage, "Visita interiora terrae rectificando invenies occultem lapidem."

What is the first? The other cards I pulled, the Lovers.

This is an alchemical card illustrating the marriage or union of two opposites, thus we have the prince and princess holding the wand and the cup. Cain and Abel, Lilith and Eve. The swords at the back suggest the intellectual process in the uniting of two elements. The figure of the Creator blesses this deliberate synthesis. The alchemical white eagle of salt and the red eagle of sulphur, the Egg of wisdom and the winged wand of Osiris are at the bottom of the card.

"The Creator" is actually the "Hermit" which I'll get into later. But as I ponder that these two cards that I pulled are the only two cards representing alchemy in the deck and how when we first met, David wanted to tell me that he didn't believe in magic even though he'd just read a very interesting book, The Alchemist, and throughout the night, his mind kept going back to it. I was gentle about it and let him make his own discovery of his own awareness.

But as I was reading these things and taking in the cards in this new light, I suddenly notice the astrological symbols associated with each card.

The Lovers = Gemini
Art = Sagittarius

That Gemini/Sag opposition again, the one I am exploring for the first time. Opposites creating alchemy. Polarities joining together, then giving up of two individuals for the synthesis of a powerful 3rd through transcendental transformation. But very specifically, the most intellectual opposition in the cycle, the one that brings forth new realities and knowledge.

So I have to verify further. I pull out my accompanying handbook for this deck that I had bought when I got it but never read because I wanted to build my own connection with the deck.

First, the Lovers:

The Lovers remind us that in every relationship, whether it be a friend, family member or colleague, or a deep-love one, what is required is: child-like innocence, curiosity and playfulness, represented by children on the card; loyalty and commitment, represented by the couple facing each other; and the gift of spaciousness--the allowing of space for contemplation, introspection and the need for being alone, necessary for any relationship--which is represented by the Hermit, who is giving the couple a blessing. This is the only symbol, other than the Hermit symbol itself, where the Hermit appears. In the background of the card are iron gates, symbolizing the Lovers' need not to be limited, restricted, barred or restrained in their relationships, and also symbolizing a line from the I Ching, the Oriental Book of Changes, which says: But when two people are at one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze; and when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.


The Lovers symbol represents to us the different kinds of relationship lines or the different kinds of bonding that we can experience within our life, and the responsibility that is incurred with different relationship lines. Regardless of the type of relationship that we have, either with people, ideas or our creative projects, we will be faced in any of our relationship lines with the principle of duality, or principles of good and evil that are found within our nature. Another way of representing good and evil would be the light or the dark, or that which is known or unknown within us, or that which is considered positive or negative within us. The principle of duality is represented by the children at the base of the card, symbolizing the Yin and the Yang within our nature, or the dynamic and magnetic within our nature, or the light and the dark within our nature.


In the I Ching hexagram of Break-Through, we have an important statement about how to resolve the struggle of good and evil, or opposites, that might be apparent within our natures. The I Ching says: Even a single passion still lurking in the heart has power to obscure reason. Passion and reason cannot exist side by side. Therefore, fight without quarter is necessary if the good is to prevail. In a resolute struggle of the good against evil, there are, however, definite rules that must not be discarded if good is to succeed. First, resolution must be based on a union of strength and friendliness. Second, a compromise with evil is not possible: evil must under all circumstances be openly discredited. Nor must our own passions and shortcomings be glossed over. Third, the struggle must not be carried on directly by force. If evil is branded, it thinks of weapons, and if we do it the favor of fighting against it blow for blow, we lose in the end because thus we ourselves get entangled in hatred and passion. Therefore, it is important to begin at home, to be on guard in our own persons against the faults that we have branded. In this way, finding no opponent, the sharp edges of the weapons of evil become dulled. For the same reasons we should not combat our own faults directly. As long as we wrestle with them, they continue victorious. Finally, the best way to fight evil is to make energetic progress in the good.


The energetic progress of the good within our natures is represented by the four tools that are held by each of the children. In times of darkness, which is represented by the child that is the dark figure, it is important that we trust our intuition, which is represented by the club or the wand; and that we have right attitude in our beliefs and thinking, which is represented by the spear or the sword he holds. In times of positivity, it is important that we follow what has heart and meaning, which is the cup held by the child that is the white figure; and that we also through our actions and behavior, implement what has passion and heart for us, which is symbolized by the cluster of pine cones or flowers that the other child holds, representative of the disks in the Tarot deck.

Essentially, the Lovers archetype reminds us that fundamental sincerity is the only proper basis for forming relationships of any kind.

So I read all that, and it resonated within what I've been thinking and talking about lately, especially evil and the battle between good and evil.

Then Art:

This symbol represents the universal principle of integration, synthesis and synergy. In order to come into the artistry of who we are, it is important to balance the apparent paradoxes, oppositions or polarities within our nature. Every symbol on this card represents the union of opposition which creates something new.

This is the Sagittarius symbol which is represented by the arrow going up the central part of the figure. Sagittarius reminds us it is through our life visions and dreams that we fully express the artistry of who we are as well as resolve any apparent conflicts or opposition within our nature.

The light and dark of our nature needs to be incorporated before we can fully express who we are. This is represented by the light and dark arms and faces which, when combined, create the balanced and tempered Being.

When I saw that you can also find your card based on your soul number, I looked up mine, 9, and it came back to the Hermit. And suddenly, many things that have been happening since last May made sense:

The Hermit is your life-time spiritual symbol. You have a deep regard for order and harmony in your life which is represented by the Virgo aspect of this symbol. You have a deep love for quietude and time spent alone. You can be around many people and situations as long as you have a feeling of psychological, emotional and environmental space. You will withdraw and be like a Hermit under two conditions: 1) whenever you feel limited, restricted or restrained, you will leave and take the space that you need; clasutrophobic situations are unbearable to you; and 2) whenever situations become too chaotic, disharmonious, and disorganized, you will remove yourself because of the inherent love of balance, beauty and harmony that you revere and desire in your life.

People will put you in leadership positions whether you want to be there or not because of the respect and integrity that you command and model. You are unwilling to communicate or lead in any situation where you have not had direct experience of some kind.

You want to make sure that old business from the past is complete before you move forward, which is symbolized by the three-headed Cerberus. You are gifted in assisting others in making transitions either in completing and ending situations (the Cerberus) or initiating and starting new beginnings (the Orphic Egg, the snake wrapping the egg).

You are a natural way-shower and lantern-bearer to people in transitions and in helping others discover and honor the internal essence of who they are. Hermit people live and model their spirituality and are not prone to talk about spiritual issues randomly. You are deeply philosophical and value the time that you have to be alone in activities that give you comfort and nourishment.

Like quitting your job so you can hang out with your blog, wander the cities on foot for inspiration, ideas and concepts to give you a versatile vocabulary for reaching into others, and help strangers break out of spiritual/existential ruts.

The fact that all the knowledge I gathered on my trip led me right back to my most prized possession and a book that had grown dusty on my shelf makes me think that I'm on the right path. It talks about how to recognize mirrors in other people and surroundings to help you understand concepts and inner dynamics, but I won't get into it because I've already talked about a lot of this stuff. But it felt really good to see confirmed in writing, a tool that I've recently discovered and awakened.

I do believe the more positive projectors we can wake up, people who have the magnetism to affect others and their surroundings with positive energy and will, the more we will see the balance of the world reach closer towards equilibrium.

I have to watch this show NOW.

i have a theory.

how many children of the 80's have memories of being gassed with nitrous oxide by that fucker, the dentist.

and maybe he even gave you one of these:







yeah, there's my girl. that red one right there.



so to recap, a doctor gets you high, distracts you with random, fantastical images as he inflicts great pain and terror on you. and this was a condoned societal ritual.

it's like they begged for a generation of stoners.

someone asked me today, when are you going to start working?

and i said, i don't know. whenever i feel like it.

the idea of a job is unfathomable to me right now. i feel like i survived a shark tank. why would i jump back in?

but i've been working. like hell, i've been working.

one thing i do know. i won't go back to a job until i stop being so angry.

it's so curious to me, how the heavier my inner anger, the nicer i am outwardly. my anger actually makes me kind. somehow i become more civil.

like i said, i think that's how mars energy works. you can either fuck or fight.

so while i'm sitting here glaring down my job sector, much of it out of spite, something outside of that storyline got more interesting.

sometimes when you chase a rabbit down the darkness of a hole, your legs pounding after it, your mind needling with electricity, there will be this moment where you're suddenly slapped in the face with panic, realizing...did i remember the way so i can get back? it's one of those massive "oh fuck" moments that makes your legs weak and your body tingle as it stops you in your tracks, like realizing you've lost your keys but only eight times worse. you're scared to turn around and realize you don't recognize the entire scene behind you.

yet there's a part of you that thinks it knows something. there's a voice inside you that says, maybe if you catch the rabbit, he'll let you see what he is and write about him, and there's something triumphant in that. sometimes in a prism of a slight moment, a person is presented with a choice that could change his life. and sometimes before he's even aware, he'll leave his way home at the hands of faith, and run after where he last saw himself disappear.

my real estate agent just sent me a listing showing that my downstairs neighbor is trying to rent out her place for $6300 a month. I think she smokes crack.