last night was like getting dropped off a cliff emotionally into dark, swirling waters filled with memories and bad feelings. i haven't experienced anything like that in probably years. it made me physically weak and psychically lose sight of projected futures, feeling as though all the tools i've amassed and thoughts that give me strength were slowly being erased from my memory.

i went to the gym to play basketball and i felt heavy. i even weighed myself to see if it was physical but the scale did not give me any answers. we played a team that had negative energy and it seemed to make everyone on our side frazzled, playing out of our element. i saw b and mike dig deep and pull out heart and fire to keep our team close. they were captivating today. in the end, i felt like i had failed them. i just felt so heavy and i couldn't shake it, couldn't take it off so it was messing with my timing. it's like how i said last night, sometimes you can be two things simultaneously--tired and happy, then exhausted and happy, then nothing at all. it felt like that's what happened last night. and then i vanished from myself, leaving the me that was left in a panic.

where did she go?

i went out to lunch with the guys. they're good people and i appreciate them. but got home, and you know...home is not the most positive place right now. so i'd decided last night that i'm going to isolate myself somewhere and force myself to write, so the first thing i did was look up hotels in portland and seattle...i want someplace that's raining...but none of the hotels looked inspiring. then i decided on big sur.

aubrey had wanted to plan a group creative retreat at big sur because there's both an ocean and a forest which creates a kind of natural balance to coax out creativity. since he got engaged, that idea has fallen to the wayside. but why not still go? it sounded amazing.

so i booked a cabin and will be leaving for it tomorrow. i have only one objective, which is to get the novel squared away. and to get away from things so that when i come back, i will have fresh eyes.

because you go into the woods a boy, and you come out a ma- wait. that's not what i'm trying to say here. but i think this is another test and i'm ready to kick ass on this one.