i can't let go of it. as long as a part of me really wonders if certain aspects of life and relationships became unattainable to me because of events 7 years ago, gone before i even realized the long-term magnitude in the moment, i can't let go of the anger. all it takes is for someone's offhand or intentional comment to reopen that door and there it all is, refusing to be ignored. that anger seems to mark everything. say the wrong thing and suddenly i can't tell if you're a friend or enemy. and the problem is, i know some people do it intentionally and it makes me less tolerant of when people do it unwittingly.

maybe that is my ultimate wish. for people to be kind, but leave me alone. because it's tiresome to always have this shit pop up and have to put it away by myself, because really, there are certain things that a person can only deal with by themselves. and i get so mad at myself in times when i become optimistic, when i think, no--parts of my life did not end years ago, only to find out, what is available to others may never be available to me. i don't care if other people are happy in those ways. good for them because everyone deserves having something like that if they can get it. but i'll just do other things that will make me happy. but i just don't want this shit rubbed in my face anymore. i know people don't mean harm, that they don't realize. and i probably won't tell them because i'm getting to the point where i never want to talk about it again, even if it means living to a certain degree in emotional isolation. but really, i don't want to go back to that place anymore.

don't ask questions that you really don't want to hear the answers to.

i'm such a masochist, i just can't help myself sometimes, chasing that dragon.

but i fucking hate myself for it when i do.