can we cross out of our bodies and still retain memory and consciousness?

i don't know how to get close without getting in trouble. it's like i can't breathe that close.

i tried to love you the best i could, but i'm sorry i didn't know how you needed it.

i almost lost this world once. i don't want to lose it again.

we, of another race, see you.

i lost my compass. like a boat just drifting now, waiting for a full moon i can hang on to.

winning is lonely.

so is dying.

so is living.

So I've heard before that randomly looking at the clock and seeing 11:11 means some kind of presence of forces from another plane. I don't usually see 11:11, but I'm always seeing 12:12. So I decided to google it today to see if there's any significance to that, and found this link.

Whut.

Back in Seattle! Ran into Brian yesterday as I was getting ready to leave for the airport, so we had lunch and worked it out. I don't stay mad very long. That's always been something I've been good at.

Had a fiasco at the airport where I realized I couldn't find my Seattle keys. Panicked because my apt office was closed for the holiday so they wouldn't be able to let me in either. I'd realized I didn't have them after dropping off the rental car, and ran back to search the car. Couldn't find them there. I searched my suitcase as well. I knew they weren't in my condo because the place is completely empty, and started panicking about having dropped them somewhere. I talked to my mom and she said to check the rental car company again, and sure enough, they'd found them. So they sent them on a shuttle bus, and I had to run out of the security line to meet them on the curb outside. A rep from Virgin came out and told me I had 15 minutes before they closed the gate, so once I grabbed my keys and got pushed through security, I only had 4 minutes left. The girl in front of me was on the same flight, so we both ran, but when we got to the gate listed on our tickets, there was no one there. But then we noticed people running to the next gate who said they had the wrong gate listed on their ticket, too, so we followed them. When we got to the check-in, the lady said, "This isn't your flight. This is to New York!"

So we ran and found a Departure board that listed a new gate for our flight, and went running. The room was full, so we pushed through all these people only to get to the check-in and there was no one there. I ask a nearby guy, "Did they close the gate already?"

He kind of looks at me in a really amused way and says, "Uh...we haven't started boarding yet."

Everyone nearby started laughing, so I turned around and said, "I apologize to everyone I just needlessly pushed out of the way." This Filipino couple was really laughing, saying I made their day with the way I rushed in thinking the plane had left. They said I'm like a comedian. Turned out, I was sitting right next to them, so when I sat down, I said, "Oh no, now you're gonna make fun of me the whole flight." They were really nice.

Made it to Seattle, which was warmer than LA (LA was thunderstorming when I left). Woke up this morning having no idea where I was.

great song. i don't know how i feel about joint french-japanese anime.

been sleeping on an air mattress in my empty la condo. i put the bed in the dining room because that has the best views of the city skyline and temple. the energy is just absolutely incredible. i need someone to pay a premium for this. i think i'm gonna make that happen. it's gotta go to the right people, who can do something with this level of positive energy.

I hung out with Whitney last night. I haven't seen her since my birthday last year, and we caught up. I told her about that dream I had that she was in last month. She's in a really good place, too. She's a Scorpio dedicated to a Gemini craft (writing) and I'm a Gemini training in Scorpio magnetism, so she and I tend to benefit each other in ways that aren't clearly tangible. I was talking about how the kids these days are different. At least my cousins...they're born fast-tracked in a way, possessing a deeper level of knowledge and skill to maneuver the world than people of our generation. She said that we're kind of in a 5-year no man's land, that the generation before us was Gen X, and after us are the kids who grew up in a world where information travels really fast through cellphones and the internet (we didn't have computers or cellphones in school). She thinks the 5-year gap involves people born from 1977-1982. So we can bridge communication between Gen X-ers and the new generation, but we don't really belong to either.

I told her that I meet a lot of people born in the early 70's or in 1983/1984. She said that makes sense, because these are the people closest to us from the other groups...so there's almost a connection, they almost get us...but we're still very different.

I don't know. My experience of life is that I have such strong, powerful, intangible connections with people very easily, but it's hard to form connections on the mundane level. Probably because deep down, I believe this is the level of illusion, so there's not much point for me.

My body will not last long, but my soul lasts forever. The rider often outlasts his horse. And then what? Is the world ready for the new evolution?

Also, first song on the radio when I got into my rental car... Wake Up by Arcade Fire.

Power Out off the same album was playing when I went inside after running into Beau.

Last summer I said it's been coming back to Arcade Fire...their music popping up to signify important (magnetic) happenings.

******

My aunt told me that Edison and Jonathan wet their beds so their grandmother tries to wake them up to get them to go to the bathroom, but it's impossible to wake them up because they sleep so deeply, it's like they're dead to the world.

I told her that I had problems as a kid as well, because I was a deep sleeper and my dreams are so real, that if I have to go to the bathroom, I'll find one in my dream, but that would cause me to wet the bed. It took me a while to train myself to learn not to trust dream bathrooms.

But the interesting thing is this. I've spent most of my life believing that we actually go somewhere else when we sleep...I was very hard to wake up when I was young (and still am), and I've always wondered if we actually can interact with the real world as our dream selves (ie, in my dream, I go to Ireland...maybe it's a place I've been in a past life...and people there perceive a presence as a haunting or a ghost, but it's really a real person projecting themselves into their space within a dream).

I asked my aunt if she saw Avatar. I reminded her that when the humans pop out of the bodies, the bodies can not be woken up. That's how I feel about sleep sometimes. It's very hard to pull me back, and takes time because I'm actually somewhere far away. And I think my cousins are the same.

It's the revolution, I told her. The rise of the Others. Don't be afraid.

First night back in LA and who do I bump into on the street but Missed Connections Guy. Had a great conversation. There was more light in his eyes. I told him about wanting to move to San Francisco next year, and he got excited because he moved to SF when he was 19 and spent most of his 20's there...he considers it where he's from. He said that if his living weren't tied to the film industry, he would move to SF in a heartbeat.

I mentioned coming back to LA at the end of the month for shoulder surgery. He invited me for drinks the next day, but it didn't sound very practical because he had a 7am call time, and said he'd be working a 14 hour day, but I agreed to meet (he didn't show up but I met this NBA player's brother and talked with him. It was interesting, but I'm not really impressed by people whose identity is based on the success and notoriety of others. I'm still meeting people who are close to BD. I even told this guy, Ro, that Baron and I are destined to be homies when the time is right...he laughed and said, that's probably true).

I told him it was great as always to see him, and we hugged. He recoiled in horror, asking if he'd hugged me too hard and hurt my shoulder. I told him it was fine, it's just a warrior wound, not a day to day thing.

He laughed and said, "I love a woman who has warrior wounds."

I secretly loved that his eyes were glowing.

Beau. Our paths keep crossing. I'm not going to chase you. But I do wonder what you mean. At the very least, I wanted to talk to you about Avatar.

i was supposed to fly home to seattle today, but instead, had to change my flight to la. my real estate agent called to tell me that brian had left the place a mess and it would cost $200 to haul everything out. when i moved out, we had thrown out what we could until we filled the dumpster. some of the stuff i left for brian in case he wanted it for his new place, the rest we just couldn't throw out until they emptied the dumpster on wednesdays. i'd emailed brian, who was living there for another two weeks, to tell him that anything he didn't want to just throw out, including some specific objects that i'd tried to but didn't have room in the dumpster for.

he told me no problem, he would do it. my realtor called last week to ask if brian had moved out yet, and i told her he did (that's what he'd told me), and she said the place was a mess with stuff everywhere. i called him and he said he'd left some things that he would pick up on saturday, then called on saturday to tell me the only things he'd left were just some towels etc. i told the agent that the cleaning company could come in, but she called yesterday to say that the house was still full of stuff and it would cost $200 to hire a disposal company because it was too much for the cleaning ladies to take out...it would have to be a separate job.

so i had to change my flight and fly down, and when i got to the place, it was even messier than when i left it. he'd taken all the stuff he did want, and in rooms i'd left empty, he'd left stuff everywhere. he hadn't thrown anything out. and it wasn't just my stuff, it was all of his as well.

i'm so ridiculously pissed. he's just so unreliable. so i've filled up our dumpster again and there's still so much stuff. part of the reason i'd asked him to do it was because after the garbage is collected on wednesdays, the dumpster will be empty. but he hadn't thrown anything out and in fact, left more trash. the place was a total mess. this is so disrespectful. i'm absolutely livid.

my passions burn hot but are short-lived.
but my memories run long and warm.
i live where moments are created
in the space of a film projectionist's booth
in a room responsible for so much
there is space for one other.

i am a powerful being, but i do need to be tamed. the softer i am in the tiniest of places, the stronger i am in the most expansive.

1. you can take the girl out of texas. but you can't take texas out of the girl.
2. i love a man who has prepared for me.
3. i love a man who lets me win but never lets me know.
4. i love a man who glows.
5. i love a man who brings out the gentlest and strongest parts of me.
6. i love a man who makes me feel we're two parts who believe in the same thing.
7. the more i look for you, the more i find of me.
8. the more i find of me, the more i find of you.
9. you shouldn't wait to cross the bridge.

wow, this guy really makes me realize that my greatest love is my brother. something inside me just curls with happiness when he's around.

the magnetic ones are emerging.

I can't remember if I mentioned this, but last Sunday I went to the gym wearing black soccer calf socks. I was dressed all in black and my mom called me the Asian Angelina. I definitely got a lot of looks from the men, and this one Asian guy really liked me. He mentioned that he usually works out late at night and I told him I usually come around 5pm (because that's when Michael works out with a trainer), and the next 3 days in a row, he showed up around 5. The guy is cute. He was a cognitive science major, a subject I'm very interested in, and a former football player. His arms look like snakes that have swallowed a couple of softballs. So he's always tagging along after me, asking about me. Even my dad noticed, though my dad says he's too aggressive--he can get a little hotheaded when he plays, and I'm always telling him to keep his head in the game.

So, I'm seriously obsessed with these calf socks because they make my calves feel really good, and I haven't had a single issue with calf cramps since wearing them while playing. So I've been wearing them to the gym every day. Then one day, he shows up wearing the exact same socks! My dad was on the court when he walked in, and I said, "Hey dad, look at his socks." My dad goes, "I know," and suppresses a smile. I walk up to the guy and say, "Nice socks," and he gets embarrassed, mumbling something about wanting to try them out.

It was hilarious. Never in my life would I have thought I would start a fashion trend, let alone a fashion trend for men. I don't have a picture of me in the black ones, which are pretty hardcore. I seriously look like a professional basketball player in them. But here's me in the white ones:




Basketball in soccer socks. Do it. It feels awesome.

uprising

First, everyone must see Avatar (in 3D if possible). It is outstanding in so many ways.

Second, it shows the power of creativity when the artist is "plugged in" and communicating Truth, both of the present and the future.

An article on Salon.com aptly puts that Avatar has succeeded in China due to being "all things to all people." It's the basis behind a powerful work of creative output--that it is so truthful at such a basic level, it reaches and touches us all, even if for some people, in places they themselves don't even realize.

These guys are fantastic. Check out their other videos on their site:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing
There is a field.
I will meet you there.
When the soul lies down in the grass
The world is too full to talk about.
- Rumi

It's either you or the guy behind you. So I'm in win-win. I figure either way, it will happen when it's supposed to happen.

did you know that when i was younger, michael thought so highly of me he was always trying to hook me up with guys. i remember being in a theater watching a movie with him, and he left in the middle of it to go to the bathroom. a few minutes later, he comes back and in the loudest whisper ever to occur in a populated movie theater, he said, "JULIA!!!! CUTE GUYS OUTSIDE!!!"

have to take a break while i decide whether or not to kill a character.

so the guy who blushes when i smile at him...we actually have mutual friends on facebook. i looked at his page and saw his birthday and realized that his birthday is 3 days after michael's. i've mentioned before that i'm always interested in people whose birthdays are close to michael's. it helps me with insight into michael.

i added him as a friend, and he sent me a message saying:

I didn't know you're a Sh-h! I've been Michael's brother for years!

this message made me laugh for two reasons. one is that my family is well-known at this gym. there are so many of us, and we play basketball. on any given night, you meet someone related to me on the courts. or one of our womenfolk in the dance classes. our name is known.

the other is that michael in particular is quite infamous at this gym. there have been many meetings about him, i'm sure. i believe he once called a woman a bitch and her husband tried to beat him up. and then they had a swim coach who harassed michael, cussing him out whenever they were alone and telling him to act his age (i was the one who wrote the certified letter wanting the guy's head). but the gym overall has been very understanding, and it's been a positive place for him. this gym basicallly raised both michael and i. so when i went out of state for college,michael went through this stage where he wanted to be everyone's friend, and i remember my parents were concerned because he was going to the gym and hugging everyone. we had to teach him the circles of friendship, with there being an inner circle (immediate family, close friends known for many years), an acquaintance circle, and a stranger circle. hugs were designated for the inner circle, occasional handshakes for the outers, etc. there were some gray areas, sure, but we stressed that under no circumstances should he be hugging complete strangers.

right around the same time, he was asking everyone to be his brother. i remember a 1 hour plane ride with him from la to san jose. by the end of the flight, he'd already asked the nice guy from nebraska sitting next to us to be his brother and told him he loved him. the flight ended mercifully as michael was asking him if he wanted to date me.

so michael basically asked lots of people to be his brother. over the years, michael had talked a lot about a curtis who worked at the gym (along with michael's life love, tracy). i didn't know who he was, but then again, i don't know half of michael's friends, he's so popular.

so when i came home for thanksgiving, i was leaving the gym one night when i saw a manager who looked vaguely familiar so i smiled at him. i seemed to think his name was adam. he had a big smile back and i remember thinking, wow that guy's cute. then one friday night, i went to the gym to shoot around. the place was near empty except for this dad coaching his son, so i went over and shot with them, chatting. the guy whose name i think is adam kept coming in and watching. he finally comes over and talks to the dad, and we all end up in a 4-way game of horse. i won both games...it was probably my hottest shooting night in recent memory, like 80% including 3 pt attempts. the dad kept asking questions about me, and i knew this guy was listening, too. i hate being presumptuous, but a part of me wondered if he was moth-ing me. when he left, the dad said, "later, curtis" and that's when i put it together that i'd finally met michael's brother, curtis.

and now he's found out that i'm michael's big sister. funny. no wonder we were drawn towards each other. we're basically family.

it's almost 3am and i've just brewed the coffee. it's gonna be an all-nighter.

A good resolution is both inevitable and surprising.

Mercury Retrograde Report



1/3/10 was quite a day of malfunctions. Either that or my magnetic force is really something right now.



1. First thing in the morning, I noticed my phone wasn't charging. I was holding it in my hands when the screen suddenly went white. It's never done that before. Then it went dead.



2. A few minutes later, I got on my computer and was looking up directions to the restaurant where I was meeting some relatives, and suddenly, the computer just shuts down like we had a power outage. My dad was in the same room and he looked into the kitchen to see if the power was out, but it was just the computer. I tried turning it on and it would power up, then just short out again. I did it twice, then told my dad the computer couldn't seem to turn on. "You must have some serious electro-magnetic force today," was all he had to say. I went out to lunch and when I came home, I saw the computer was fine. My dad told me my mom turned it on and it worked fine. So I got on it and seconds later, it suddenly died again like we'd had a power outage. It wouldn't start up, yet my mom tried and it started up fine for her. I figured I might have something magnetically strange going on with me today, so I left the computer alone. Later I would find out that whatever happened to the computer killed my speakers. Only one of them works, and the sound is so low and far away, it sounds like a tiny radio inside an ant hill.



3. I was sitting in my dad's car, and he was putting something away in the trunk. There's a button you can press for the door to come down and close automatically, but there should be a sensor that lets it know if something's in the way. He was leaned into the trunk putting something away when the door just starts closing. He reaches out his hand and hold the door, trying to keep it from squashing him, but it wouldn't stop trying to close. He had to forcefully push it back open. That was kind of scary.



4. We went to visit my grandfather's grave (we tried to go yesterday but didn't make it out). We went back to my parents office to get my car, because I'd met them there and left my car in the parking lot. I told them I was on my way to get gas and would see them at home. The computer said I had 14 miles left. I got on the freeway, and the "Check Engine Soon" light came on. We just got the car back. Baby got a brand new heart (new engine). I couldn't believe it. Then the car started losing power. My speed was dropping, first 50, then 45, and I saw the next exit coming up so I hoped I could at least make it to the exit. My car got me 50 feet into the exit, dying on the shoulder. I figured the computer had malfunctioned and it was out of gas. The sun was going down, and of all days for this to happen, the day my cellphone died. So I had to run a mile to the gas station, and buy a $15 one-time-use gas container and half a gallon of gas (I figured the full gallon might be heavy to run with). I asked the guy working there how to use the container, but he wasn't particularly smart, so we spent half an hour fiddling with the parts. The seal was broken for some reason, so I had to run with the container in my left arm, held really still to keep the gas from splashing on me. I got the car running again just as it got dark, getting home an hour and a half after I'd left to get gas. When I got home, I asked my family if anyone had been wondering what happened to me. My mom said she had been worried and had asked my dad why I'd taken so long, but he'd responded that I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. Indeed I can. Lots of cars had passed by me as I ran to and from the freeway exit, and not a single person stopped to offer assistance. Whatever. I was lucky it'd happened where it'd happened.

4. Computer keeps reverting back to today's date as somewhere in Feb of 2002. No matter how many times I reset it to the correct date, it keeps going back to 2002. I have no idea why...can't even remember what I was up to in 02.




5. Played basketball at the gym. First, a tangent. Wore these black soccer socks that cover my calves, because they've been cramping whenenever I take a jumpshot. I hoped keeping them warm would prevent cramping. They were really effective, as my legs would *almost* cramp after 4 hours of full-court running, but they soldiered on. Gym guys are already mildly obsessed with my legs because they're so strong, but the socks kind of made them look ridiculous--to anyone who's ever had a fetish for female soccer players, I looked like the Darth Vader of female athletes. I was wearing all black--black Adidas Floater OG's, black basketball shorts and a black tank top with those socks. I looked pretty badass. My mom asked me why I didn't just change my name to Angelina and strap on a gun. I'm pretty sure I got passed the ball a lot more because of the way I was dressed. I didn't play exceptionally well (terrible ball-handling today), but I did score a lot, including this one drive into the lane with a one handed banking floater over a jumping defender that was really not normal for my skill level. Just one of those lucky things that will make people think I'm a better player than I actually am. This really muscular Asian kid with a knife tattoo on his shoulder who's built like he was sculpted out of rock was following me around all night talking to me. When he was leaving, he wanted to know when I'm going back to Seattle, and when I would be at the gym again. It was flattering. The universe has been throwing me a lot of really cute but younger guys this week. I almost invited this guy who works at the gym out last night, because he's a really nice guy, he's insanely cute, he always comes in and rebounds for me when he sees me, and he always blushes whenever I smile at him. But the truth is, I always want to go out with guys. But I'm often too nervous being out with guys to really enjoy it. Thus, my conundrum. And my hope that with the right guy, things will be so natural, I'll just feel comfortable.


So, the malfunction. I was at the gym playing basketball wearing my heart rate monitor, but it kept reading that my heart rate was like 218, and then it would go to 0 and get no pulse. It was really erratic.


*****

All this makes me wonder if Mercury Retrograde is just a time period where magnetic forces are a little wonky. Or a time where it does something to people's inner magnetic forces that causes a lot of confusion and mishaps. Mercury is an element that is mysterious and volatile. And we just had a full moon. If I wake up tomorrow morning to find like paper clips and assorted metal objects sticking to me, I can't say that I won't be completely surprised.

the flipside of the healer is the warrior. like two sides of a coin. to work with light, you must have walked with darkness. to work with life, you must have walked with death.

The night before last I dreamed that I was working somewhere, like a bed and breakfast so where I worked was also my home. I knew Shane, the guy I play basketball with, and he had gone over to the front counter with a red suitcase and asked them if they could mail it for him. When he left, I told the guy at the front desk that I would run it down to the post office for him since I was on my way anyway, but instead, I took it back to my cabin and opened it. I wanted clues to who he is. I found some old photos taken in Hawaii--I was looking for a girl, to see if he had a girl, but they were mostly of family. Then I noticed some older, random photos. The strange thing about all of them was that he wasn't in any of them. He's probably the one taking the pictures, I thought. But still, it was strange. I didn't really find anything else that shed any light on him or his life, and I had an overwhelming fear that I would get caught, that I would somehow leave some clue, drop some object inside the suitcase that would let him know that I'd been through his stuff. I've always been terrible at anything sneaky--I always get caught. So I put everything back and closed it up. He'd told the front desk he would be back in the afternoon so I didn't have time to get it to the post office; I had to hide the suitcase. I figured I could either hide it in the garage (in a separate building), or in my cabin, places he wouldn't go into. I absolutely did not want him finding out I went through the suitcase, both because then he would know I like him and also because it's a stalker thing to do. Both of these reasons mortified me.

So I decided to hide it in my cabin because that would be the last place he would go into, then went outside.

He was there with a Filipino woman with short hair, a little chubby. Middle-aged. I looked at them together and I realized what his deal is--he's divorced and carries emotional baggage from it. She had a small black kitten with her. She asked if she could put the kitten in my cabin, and I suddenly remembered he had made that request, that I watch a kitten for the week. I realized that if I let them into my cabin, they would see the suitcase. So I told her that I couldn't keep the kitten in my cabin, but we could keep it in the garage, and he got really mad at me for why I was being so unkind and unreasonable with such a small request. I knew I looked like an asshole but I just could not let them inside my cabin.

When I woke up, I felt really guilty. I could still remember how mad he was at me for not letting them inside the cabin, and I took it as a symbol of his potential anger if I step over one of his boundaries. I felt like I had somehow psychically tried to pry into this guy's life, trying to get information he hadn't been willing to openly share with me, and I'd gotten a big warning in my dream world to back off.

I think the big message and meaning of the dream is exactly that...back off.

I would like March 3rd, 2010 to be a special day.

He was an olive-skinned kid with curly hair, edges still soft with baby fat. He looked about 17 but was probably somewhere in his mid 20's. Despite being in way over his head and more than a little drunk, he was blocking the door of my car, trying to get me to stay. This had been going on for a good half hour and now I was tired and ready to go to bed. Alone.

"Do you know what the biggest difference is between you and I?" I asked him.

"What?"

"The only way you can get inside me is by fucking me. While I don't even have to touch you to get inside you."

He stares at me, his eyes and mouth poised for a laugh, just waiting for a cue. My gaze doesn't waver. I'm completely serious.

"I'm sorry, that's really hot," he says.

I sigh. Little boys try my patience.

"You're a little brother aren't you?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

Why else would we be here, having this conversation, I think.

"You're a little brother with an older sibling, probably a big sister, and either she was a complete cunt, or she was completely unaccessible, and the only way you could get her attention, to have any kind of relationship with her was by provoking an anger reaction. So you swing between provoking girls and trying to get them to feel sorry for you when the truth is, these girls can never give you what you want, because what you want is something only your sister or maybe your mother can give you. And you know it. But the truth is, you don't really want to get close to girls because you have really ambivalent feelings towards intimacy. Maybe the root is some form of basic insecurity, or maybe the truth is...you're not really sure you're all that into girls."

A straight man would have been compelled to address that last bit, but he just kept smiling that weird little frozen smile he'd maintained while I was talking.

"You can't know me. No one knows me. I don't tell anyone anything about me."

"What, you think you have to tell people things for them to know you? You think if you stick your head in a hole in the ground, people can't see you? You're not invisible. People see you. The difference is I'm willing to call it out."

"Who are you? How the fuck do you know so much about me?"

"Move."

He steps aside, and I open my car door.

"By the way," I say as I get into my car. "I don't care if Smiles has been your nickname your entire life. Whatever you're into, men or women, you need to start introducing yourself by your God-given name or make up a real one if you ever plan to get laid in this lifetime."

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do what prophets say?
If I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

A life is time, they teach you growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
A million years before the fall
You ride the waves and don't ask where they go
You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourself in zebra flesh

I've been downhearted baby
Ever since the day we met

-primitive radio gods

going to visit my grandfather's grave with my family.

i've watched you suffer
a dull aching pain
now you've decided
to show me the same
no sweeping exits
or off-stage lines
could make me feel bitter
or treat you unkind
wild horses...couldn't drag me away.

-rolling stones, wild horses

If you liked the movie, The Prestige, you'll enjoy this article.

while we were sitting in the "man cave," after my dad's friend mentioned i'm like this flower that my dad has spent a lifetime guarding, i mentioned to the guys why i get irritated with my mom sometimes when she keeps pushing me to find a nice engineer boyfriend. first of all, i don't have patience for a boyfriend. i'm very busy. i'll one day make room for a partner. i have room for friends. and i want to eventually end up with a good person, of course, but she wants me to find someone now, when i don't want to settle when i know that if i get myself to the place i'm capable of getting, i could very well be on the level of someone extraordinary. who knows, maybe someday i could end up with someone who's a world power.

my dad's friends looked at him and said, "can she?" almost as though asking the creator what he has planned for the creation. my dad just sat there with his arms crossed over his chest, smiling that sly smile.

i found that exchange very interesting.

genesis

even though michael had invited some people over and had me make pasta, i stayed only long enough to get dinner on the table before heading to another dinner party my dad was throwing with a group of old family friends. his friend pj is the one who has two daughters whom my mom gave my brownies to a few months ago, the story that totally cracked me up. she said i should meet them. i showed up and people were curious about me because they hadn't seen me in a while. to be honest, people are usually curious because i've always been mysterious and unique, but who i really am has been emerging and it's nice being able to show people this. the more i present like me, the more people comment on how completely different i look. they usually say, wow, how did julia turn into this? (with "this" never being specified).

my dad has made no mention of christmas eve at all this week, but pj and his daughters started talking about the brownies and what a great experience they were. pj said he believed it was better than alcohol, and i said, weed never makes you go home and want to hit your wife.

my dad always has people over to drink whiskey and smoke cigars which they were planning to do that night, but added that they needed to try my herb. he proclaimed, marijuana is a good thing and should be legalized. my mom asked him to lower his voice because we're in a restaurant, but his voice wasn't that loud and he was pretty determined to be brazen. then began a loud, boisterous discussion about the benefits of legalization, carried on mostly by my dad and his friends. pj's daughter who's going to med school said she believed all drugs should be legalized so we could regulate them, and he said he believed prostitution should be legalized as well. it was incredible. these are chinese immigrants who are conservative, law-abiding citizens, yet they were being open about liberal opinions. i've been to these chinese banquet dinners and parents talk over us while the kids eat quietly without making eye contact, but here we all were, sitting around a feast of lobster, crab, prime rib, abalone, shark fin and other delicacies, talking about legalizing prostitution and getting together to smoke weed. the kids at the table were looking at me, wide-eyed and laughing. this chick shows up out of nowhere, and suddenly, their parents are cool.

my mom and i had to stop by another party, so we left, planning to meet everyone back at our house. we went to my aunt anita's. they were just playing mahjong, a game my mom told me never to learn because it's an addiction. i hung out with my cousins joanna and steph, trying out the food they'd made. my great aunt ma, sat down next to me on the couch and reached out for my hand.

i still remember you as a baby, she said. you had a really bony butt and it always hurt having you sit in anyone's lap. that bony butt and plus, you were always squirming.

my cousins started cracking up.

aunt ma wanted me to sit on her lap to see if my butt is still bony. this week i'm weighing in at a solid 155. she's in her 80's. but i sit in her lap, supporting the majority of my weight on my legs so as not to crush her. she says that my butt's not bony anymore and i tell her i have a lot more padding than i did when i was 3.

my cousins were still laughing so i tell them that my nickname as a toddler was "vietnamese boatchild" because i was so pale and thin i looked malnourished. thus the bony butt.

aunt ma puts a scarf around me because she's concerned that i'm cold. i thank her as she resumes holding my hand.

ever since you were a baby, you were different, she said. the way you are with people, the way you take care of people, the way you're concerned with people, you've always been special. i always treasured you because you're very pure.

i told her that i know she has watched me grow up, taking care of me when i was a child, and it meant a lot to me.

the truth is, i always remembered her. when i was young, she was the goddess in my sky, the coolest adult i had in my life. i adored her. she was perfect. but one day, she saw some baseball cards in my room and looking through them, she was really disgusted by the black people. and that really broke my heart. i couldn't face my disappointment that she could be racist, so i avoided her and didn't want to spend time with her anymore. now that i think about it, i stopped connecting with her for almost 20 years, because i couldn't deal with my own disappointment, yet i never confronted her. it was a shame to have lost those years. and finally, in my late 20's, i come home with a black boyfriend. i was terrified of how she might react, but there was no reaction. she treated him as kindly as she treated me, so naturally, i wondered if i had misinterpreted all those years ago. but i know i hadn't. i don't know...maybe it needed to happen. maybe the point of 20 years of separation was to have the perspective on each other and appreciation of each other that we have now. things happen the way they're supposed to happen. i had to journey away to learn how to live with the ones i love, accept them, come back to them, and whether or not she got over those feelings towards black people, it showed how much she loved me, how she was able to see past her own resistances to be able to accept and maintain her love for me. it's incredible to have had this kind of love in your life.

tonight was a beautiful, intimate interaction with her. i told her i'm leaving on friday, so that gives us plenty of time to hang out. sometimes i can feel the squeeze of time, the knowledge of all that you'll never know, all the depths, all the history, that reside between people as we walk in our temporary states. these are the things you will someday lose when those who are part of where you come from pass on.

we headed home and my dad and his friends showed up. i rolled for them and they smoked. most of them had smoked it before but my dad's best friend hadn't so this was his first time. one of the daughters was asking me about how i make the tincture for the tea, and i explained the process. i joked that i don't want people to think i'm a drug dealer because i only give it, i never sell it. i'm about helping people, connecting, giving an experience. a lot of my life is based on moving around and then staying in one place long enough that someone comes by and talks to me, and the person who shows up is usually the person i'm supposed to be talking to. and i have these random connections, and it's often people who are at a crossroads in their life. so sometimes i'll give them something and tell them to clear a 5 hour window and think about their lives and questions. my mom chipped in that when they legalize, i'm going to make a lot of money. my mom is always thinking in business terms. i do go after success, and i do need security, but i don't often go after money. i hope to just be taken care of financially and materialistically if i do what i uniquely do best. i want to use openness and truth to heal or boost people. using weed is just an effective method to disarm defenses. but i have others.

i sat down with my dad and his friends, and talked to them the way i do. i opened up a whole world. the guys said that they were very happy, and thanked me for this experience. they said it brought them back 20 years.

back to the last time you were happy?, i asked.

yes, that's about right, they laughed. they reminisced about when they all met, what life was like, and the things they worry about now.

i told them they need to get together more, be together, have a place of their own. it's good for them. they said they wanted a cigar room where they could get together and just shoot the shit and smoke cigars. i told them that's a great idea because men need caves, places that had smoke and fire, things that symbolize men's roots, materials that made them feel like men.

my dad's friend pj jumped up and toasted me saying, you're my kind of girl. you understand.

over cigars and whiskey, they opened up to me. and as they talked, i listened and asked questions. they kept toasting me, saying that despite having met me over the years, they felt like this was the first time they really met me. that i've really grown into something quite admirable. pj picked a quiet moment, then said, boy, julia, you really surprised me. to think you would grow into this. your wisdom is exceptionally deep. and for your age, to see so much. that you can speak with such truth and see things so directly is truly a gift. i thank you for this experience.

and then they raised their whiskey, and i raised my diet orange soda, and we toasted. it was a beautiful and validating thing to say.

he said that he realized i had a gift when i used one sentence to sum up something he hadn't been able to understand for 30 years. that in all these years he's known my father, he could never understood what connected him to my father, why he admired him so much. but when i talked about how my dad is two different people, that he's one person out in the world but he's a silent man at home, he realized, that's what it is--there's a nobility in a man who can take care of so many things in the world outside, but when he comes home, he is silent and still. i asked him if his dad was this kind of man.

no, he said. but i am.

he was happy with that knowledge. he said he felt like after 30 years, he understood why he admired my dad so much. but i realized, the truth of what happened was that after all these years, he found something about himself that he could openly admire and love. i smiled at him, told him that he was going to wake up feeling a lot better, a lot lighter, tomorrow morning.

you think so?, he asked.

definitely, i said. it's like a spiritual chiropractic adjustment that unlocks something deep inside.

you have a gift, he said. i'm very happy. you made me very happy tonight.

the mood was so positive that when pj announced that he's a capricorn and he's an asshole, i told him that it's okay because it's kind of what cappy's are known for. i asked my dad who else is a cappy (my mom's brother) and he thought about it then said, oh, i don't want to think about that guy. i told him that pj understands, my uncle is just an asshole. you can't take it personally because he's an asshole to everyone. but if i can find a way to love my dad and a way to love my uncle despite knowing what assholes you are, then you two can find a way to come to terms with each other. my dad's friends said that was very true.

i told my dad that i could invite my uncle right now, and we can smoke some weed, make some peace and lay this grudge to rest. and he had a capricorn backing him up who could vouch for my uncle that it's nothing personal...he's just an asshole.

my dad just kind of laughed it off, but he didn't say no.

keep working on it, my uncle pj told me quietly. don't give up. keep working on him.

my dad's friend kc dropped a strange little bomb later in the conversation. he told me that he understood what i meant about my dad having two people inside him. he asked me if i've ever gone to taiwan with my dad, and i said no. he said you have to. when you see who he is there, the way people react to him, you will be shocked, i guarantee it. whatever your dad is here, he's something powerful in taiwan. let me put it this way, when he shows up at the airport, i had better be waiting for him. wherever he goes, wait until you see the way people react, the things that happened. i promise you, you won't believe it.

he points at my dad. this guy, he said. he's big.

what is he, like the godfather?, i asked.

my dad's best friend slaps his leg and said, that's exactly what he is.

my dad says, yeah, i'm the godfather, mockingly.

his friend says, not the godfather exactly. bigger. he takes care of many people. so many people depend on him. not the godfather, but the mafia. the whole thing, all that power. you need to see what he's doing there. you need to show her, boss, he said. she's your daughter.

so does he have people killed?, i asked. i'm thinking about the analogy i always used about the us government and americans, how our government lies to us about its true nature, how it's like your dad's a mob boss and everyone knows, but you're his kid and have no idea your dad's a bad guy, but everyone else does. i'm wondering if maybe all these experiences of life are just the jigsaw pieces trying to show me what mine really is. what if my life were stranger than fiction? the dragon eating its tail. and while i'd thought i was the dragon, i find that my life, my world is really the tail. who is my dad, really? because in my world, he's my greatest mystery.

my dad makes a flippant joke about my remark about having people killed, but k.c. considers it. he wouldn't kill anyone but people tend to go away. i'm telling you, he's big.

i think about this evil man who messed with my family's business the last few years, trying a corporate take-over. i remember the first time i met him, before he reached his hands into my parents' business, when he was working for my uncle. he's this man who looks like a rat, and he'd tried to seduce me in his hotel room while on business and it was disgusting and a joke. i never told anyone about it because i didn't want my family getting pissed and he'd stolen some money from my uncle and run off, so it was a non-issue. but when i found out years later he had come back and somehow gotten into my parents' company, i told them that guy is bad news. i didn't like to be around him because he's the kind of guy i had a feeling would end up dying a violent death. he'd disappeared the last few years as my family has been fighting in the courts to get back the shares of the company. there are lots of investing message boards speculating about the whereabouts of this man, because he's stolen money from a lot of people over the years. the rumor is that because the sec is investigating him now, he can't step foot in the continental u.s. first word was that he was in the bahamas, then it was that he was living in a boat off the coast of alaska treasure-hunting. but no one has seen him in years. i asked my dad, are you the reason [this guy] disappeared?

no, his friend says adamantly. your dad wouldn't do that. my dad just smirks.

wtf? are these guys fucking with me? or has this been the secret life my dad has been hiding all these years? or what if he's the one i get it from, this magnetism.

are you a magician?, i asked him. i'm not talking parlor tricks. i'm talking about the real thing. i'm talking about your will becoming reality. because i wonder if it's from my father that i've inherited my magnetic abilities. i do notice he's a gambler who's always in control, yet he won't let us watch him play, but he always comes back with wins. he's unusually lucky. and this trip, i noticed i was calling a lot of cards, getting attention for it. during one round, i told the table not to worry, that the dealer had a 4 hidden under her Queen. and when she flipped it to reveal a 4, the guy next to me was astounded. how'd you know that?, he asked. i'm psychic, i joked, even though i'm not. i just had a feeling. i did it a few other times, calling the exact card that landed, or asking for a specific card and getting it. after a few times, the dealer said, you really are psychic. but here's the thing--i also called a lot of wrong cards, but people usually dismiss the wrong ones as wishful thinking, but the right calls as extraordinary. and i noticed that the more i astounded people by calling the right ones, the more i was winning my hands. the trick isn't in psychically predicting the cards...it's using the appearance of a trick to harness other people's belief in magic to create a magnetic storm. and using that magnetism to assert will. if enough people believe in something, it can become a collective reality, so you just have to get them to believe in the same thing. i've never won that proportion of money at a blackjack table before. the whole table won big. maybe my dad isn't a lord of organized crime, but has similar magical-seeming capabilities, but his are more refined and powerful, while my abilities are still in their nascence.

so i asked if my mother knows about this side of him and they said that my mother must know. but my dad was firm about saying she didn't. he said she'd never gone with him to taiwan, they never go at the same time.

i asked him why they've never gone together and he shrugged mysteriously.

i asked him if it's safe to go with him to taiwan and see all this. like could i trust him that no harm would befall me?

he said, yes.

would you be willing to take me?, i asked.

no.

c'mon, boss, show her, his friend said. your dad has a way with people. he makes things happen.

i told them that i didn't trust my dad to go with him to taiwan alone. i said, did you know last week i was playing basketball and he rooted against me?

oh yeah! his friend said. he told us all about it.

i was incredulous. not only did he know he was doing a really asshole thing, he bragged about it.

but he told us you beat him today, his friend said.

no, he won, i said.

we'd played one-on-one earlier and he'd won by 2 points just taking shots on the inbounds, but i had scored on all attacking drives in the paint. i had wanted to play because i needed to work on my footwork.

he told us, today, julia has finally beaten me.

i realized my dad was finally conceding that i could play, something he'd never been willing to do. i'd beaten him once before, but today i worked really hard to play at my highest level. i even blocked one of his shots so completely, it dropped into my hands.

i told his friends that i'd been training all year to get really good, outplaying really athletic men. that this former college player told me that i move better than most male athletes last week, yet whenever my dad's watching or playing, i just can't seem to be that person or get to that level. that i've always felt that he was getting into my head and subduing me.

why are you doing that? she's your daughter, his friends said, like they knew it was clearly in character with him to somehow be sabotaging me without any overt evidence.

my dad played innocent. i told them that it's fine though, it really pisses me off so much that he refuses to acknowledge that i'm good, and i can somehow not play to my peak level around him that it challenges me, makes me work harder.

this is the thing about your dad, his friend said. you're his treasure. did you know he's been a particular brand of asshole for, what, 5 or 6 years now? from about the time you really left. he's like a dog in that he's loyal and passionate and he's out in the world doing all this stuff, but you're the one he loves most. you're his jewel, his treasure, and tonight, we can really see why. so you went away and that created this longing. and now you're back, and he's a different person. but also remember, your dad...he fights everyone. it's the way he has to do it because he's been surviving for so long. he has to protect his feelings so he's an asshole with the things he loves most but don't take it personally. he would follow you anywhere. he talks about you all the time and you just don't know it.

i look at my dad who's just smiling that happy smile but his arms are so tight, hugging himself protectively, this man child who was both the greatest sun and greatest shadow in my life. i think about the discoveries tonight, how much i have yet to grasp. he has power on par with an entire family of organized crime, and i'd been guaranteed the extent of it is awesome and unbelievable. my dad secretly messes with my head, but i'm the treasure this great man is intent on protecting. and all these men have openly confessed to understanding what i can do with people, believing it has great value in this world.

the night was happy, and featured lots of laughter. the men would start talking about a memory and that would set them off into song. in the haze of cigar smoke, i could see the life in their eyes, young hearts grasping the happiness of youth with the wisdom of now. for an evening, a beautiful bend in time.

when they left, they each came up and shook my hand in respect, bowing and thanking me, a gesture usually reserved for elders. then they hugged me as people who have shared a deep, powerful experience together.

emergence. this is me. this is what i want to do with my life.

less than a minute into the new year, my mom and i started off with a spat. she toasted me to find a boyfriend, "a nice, kind, engineer earning a good income," and i got irritated and asked her if this boyfriend was for me or for her, and that i didn't want to hear it. so she smacked me on the head, passive-aggressively playful, and i smacked her back. thus ensued a 30-minute silent treatment with me apologizing first, then being mad when she accepts my apology and doesn't apologize herself. then tomorrow morning it will all be forgotten, acting like best friends or rival sisters, depending on the weather. hello, 2010. some things will never change. like taxes, rain the day after you wash your car, and love/hate mother-daughter relations.

i'm not a patient person, but i'm capable of great patience. even when patience is not a trait, it can still be a discipline.