He was an olive-skinned kid with curly hair, edges still soft with baby fat. He looked about 17 but was probably somewhere in his mid 20's. Despite being in way over his head and more than a little drunk, he was blocking the door of my car, trying to get me to stay. This had been going on for a good half hour and now I was tired and ready to go to bed. Alone.

"Do you know what the biggest difference is between you and I?" I asked him.

"What?"

"The only way you can get inside me is by fucking me. While I don't even have to touch you to get inside you."

He stares at me, his eyes and mouth poised for a laugh, just waiting for a cue. My gaze doesn't waver. I'm completely serious.

"I'm sorry, that's really hot," he says.

I sigh. Little boys try my patience.

"You're a little brother aren't you?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

Why else would we be here, having this conversation, I think.

"You're a little brother with an older sibling, probably a big sister, and either she was a complete cunt, or she was completely unaccessible, and the only way you could get her attention, to have any kind of relationship with her was by provoking an anger reaction. So you swing between provoking girls and trying to get them to feel sorry for you when the truth is, these girls can never give you what you want, because what you want is something only your sister or maybe your mother can give you. And you know it. But the truth is, you don't really want to get close to girls because you have really ambivalent feelings towards intimacy. Maybe the root is some form of basic insecurity, or maybe the truth is...you're not really sure you're all that into girls."

A straight man would have been compelled to address that last bit, but he just kept smiling that weird little frozen smile he'd maintained while I was talking.

"You can't know me. No one knows me. I don't tell anyone anything about me."

"What, you think you have to tell people things for them to know you? You think if you stick your head in a hole in the ground, people can't see you? You're not invisible. People see you. The difference is I'm willing to call it out."

"Who are you? How the fuck do you know so much about me?"

"Move."

He steps aside, and I open my car door.

"By the way," I say as I get into my car. "I don't care if Smiles has been your nickname your entire life. Whatever you're into, men or women, you need to start introducing yourself by your God-given name or make up a real one if you ever plan to get laid in this lifetime."