i am in great pain, but with great pain comes great strength.

we once had a dog, a gentle bear named rocky. my dad used to resent him because when he would escape and my dad would go out looking for him, rocky would always pretend he didn't know him when they met on the street.

he acts like a complete stranger, my dad would say, spitefully. no loyalty. some people have tenuous ideas of attachment.

like abandoning your daughter on a dance floor during a father daughter dance without a single thought back, because you've always needed the admiration of boys.

*****

but despite these things, you still resolve to love the ones in your life, knowing their flaws. it's almost as though by being brutally conscious of them, it allows you to understand realistically what you can and can not expect. doesn't make it hurt less when you know what life denied you. but at least the understanding allows you to make peace with it. you can't squeeze water out of a stone. and you can't make a dream into a reality where the reality does not exist.

god is out there. but you'll never find your god in men where none exists.

and by you, i'm talking about i.