So I ran into Missed Connections guy.

I was at this bar, wrapping up a crazy 3 hour conversation with this hipster who had been sitting next to me, when I decided, I had not really effectively people watched. That there was someone else I needed to talk to. So after a conversation that took us through number theory and him telling me that tonight was one of the most amazing nights of his life, that he had run into the only girl he had ever loved earlier in the evening and was feeling alone like no one understood him when I sat down next to him. And because I'm me and because of the way I speak, he felt truly understood, like someone on the outside could see him, so it meant he wasn't disappearing. He said that because I had so much faith in this search for whatever it is I'm searching for, it gave him hope that there was someone out there perfect for him, someone whom, when you're on your deathbed, you think about them and say, my life has been happy ever since the moment I met you. We started talking about my life and I told him I was looking for my Alfred, the loyal right-hand man who makes sure Batman can be Batman. He was telling me that while I wanted an Alfred, Alfred can take care of me but I will never see him as my partner. We talked for a while, but at some point I realized that I'd spent the whole night in this conversation, and something made me feel there was someone else I needed to talk to. So I told him that I'm actually supposed to meet someone tonight.

Who?, he asked.

I don't know, I said.

What do you mean you don't know?

My life is like that, I said. Once, I dropped a hat into the ocean and I watched it sink into the darkness. And I've always thought, if I ever find that hat again, even if I'm 80 years-old and walking on the beach an entire world away, I would accept that as hard proof of God and Universe.

He started laughing. I wish I could see you the moment you find your hat, he said. I bet when you do, you will be the most beautiful person because you're going to be radiating an absolute happiness.

That thought made me so happy. I really hope I find that person that I'm missing so badly and who just always seems so familiar inside these strangers.

So as I'm getting done telling him about how when I come to this bar, I tend to meet the right people that I need to talk to at a given time, I look past him and there's Missed Connections guy.

I started laughing so hard my legs turned to jelly. I thought Missed Connections guy saw us because he was looking right at us, and then he kept looking over. I was too scared to go over because I didn't know what to say. I told the guy the story about Missed Connections guy...probably the fastest I've ever told a story.

You need to go over there, he said.

I know, I said. But I'm scared. What if he's a dick? What if he's dumb? What if this is just an illusion and just another joke from the universe?

You have to go over there, he said.

I tried to have him go over there and ask the guy to come over, but instead, he turns around and starts talking to these girls.

I got the guy's attention and waved him over. He looked confused, then pointed at his friend like he wasn't sure who I wanted. But I pointed at him. He motioned that he needed to get another beer first and would come over after, but then he and his friends (a little group of men and women) formed a huddle.

I was feeling kind of dumb like, what now, and I just had a feeling this wasn't going to turn out magical. It didn't feel right.

Finally, he came over. That guy's eyes...he had amazing, soulful eyes, but what I found out was that they're like a blind man's. He's a sound guy, he takes in through his ears, he expresses through his hands, but it's like his eyes are so deceptive...so much depth, like an ocean, but...I don't know. They don't see.

He remembers me waving at him at the restaurant, he remembers the incident and thinking that I was cute, but he didn't equate me with that girl. And apparently after I put up the missed connection, someone called him the next day at 9am asking if he'd been at that restaurant, then forwarded the missed connections post to him. He remembered being at the restaurant, but didn't remember me at the restaurant, or at the bar last month, or when I was standing close to him and trying to get him to come over, he stared right at me and didnt' react. Strange, that this man could be looking right at me, and yet I exist in some sort of blind spot. We talked for a while, the dude is pretty fucking interesting and funny, but I just had this strong feeling that someone had played a really big joke on me. I kind of wanted to get out of there because my head was twisted.

I didn't want another beer and he said he had to get back to his friend's birthday thing, so I left. Got home and laid on the floor staring at the ceiling for an hour, wondering why the universe or my brain would trick me like that. Is it mocking how easily I follow connections? To lead me to a guy who looks overwhelmingly familiar only to find a blind man who can't see me?


If this question has an answer, then perhaps we'll run into each other again, I had written in the Craigslist post.

We did and there was no answer. When I asked him, who are you? He said, "I'm just a guy who hangs around Venice." When I asked, "Do we know each other?" He said, "You've probably just seen me around because I'm always out and about."

Paper lantern.

Today I followed the trail to God and found a paper lantern.

I followed the light to something beautiful but empty inside. There was no connection. So then, why had it led me to something false?

saturday night - the other room

spent the earlier part of the evening hanging out with missed connections guy, and a couple of girls he introduced as his "friends," though he's clearly sleeping with one of them. i know this because her energy spiked when i showed up, she made a big show of touching his leg whenever she laughed, she kept lighting matches to get attention, and she bumped me as she walked past me. and he seemed a little bit whipped in her presence. she reminded me of this girl . i disarmed the situation in a similar way. just refused to acknowledge any tension, and was very careful about sending any energy towards the guy that would be construed as intent. she left for the night to try to get her roommate to come out, and things were more relaxed after that. i gave him and his friend one of my specialty brownies to split. i'm like the robin hood of brownies. i usually give them to people with spiritual questions--i'll tell them to find a 5 hour window in a comfortable place, eat the brownie, listen to music they like, and think about questions they have. write stuff down.

or if possible, i like to spend that time with them, talk to them. a couple of hours with me is sometimes better than years of therapy. it's tough when you look for all the things that are wrong with you and your life. let's talk about where you're going and what you want, then figure out what it is you're holding on to that's preventing that.

so an hour later, they're both very happy. missed connections guy (aka beau) had been having trouble looking me in the eye (but he would watch me when i'm not looking, so to make him more comfortable, i would talk more to the other girl). but now he was more comfortable and i was able to talk to him.

his friend told me what she was experiencing was incredible. she felt very happy and positive. peaceful. she said i'm very talented.

i thank her with my entire heart. it means a lot to me when i can give people this kind of experience. to tell me that what i gave them made them feel happy and gave them positive eyes to see and feel the world...that is the highest compliment.

it renewed my desire to become a shaman. the laws would have to change, but regardless, i'm telling you i could help a lot of people. that's really what i want to do most. give people positive experiences, so no matter where their life goes, they've had it. they know it. they've felt it. so they'll be able to recognize or create these experiences or feelings in the future, or in other areas of their lives. once you've experienced peace, then you'll know where to aim.

they were happy as they were leaving, great hugs all around. his friend leaned over and whispered that she was there the night he and i met and talked. she told me beau had been really happy about meeting me.

that was nice to hear. some kind of consolation.

i guess his function had been to help commit an important night to memory, lead me somewhere else. now having spent more time getting to know him, while he's very funny and very pleasant to look at, his glow feels artificial. fluorescent. lacking heat.

i was happy. the music was good, and i met some brazilian girls and helped them take a picture. they hung out with me for the rest of the night. i started texting rie. ever since she had seigo, she doesn't really go out anymore, but i sometimes like to text her when i'm out and about people watching, because it makes me feel like she's there in spirit. and for her to feel a part of the scene.

rie:
we may be moving early as nov.

me:
holy shit! to where?

rie:
berkeley or albany. he'll probaby get offers in concord, san pablo, vallejo & walnet creek

me:
oh sweet. i so welcome you closer to the bay area where you can be creative. i'm making my way there. just have to accomplish some things first

[years ago when she was living in new york and i was in los angeles, i realized that in my lifetime, i might only see her 5-6 more times. that made me so incredibly sad. i dreamed of a world where she lived in california. i could see her being really happy in the bay area.]

rie:
who would have thought we'd both end up in northern california?

me:
i did! i willed you there!

rie:
it worked!

me:
i know! i just couldn't imagine growing old without you.

*****
so i'm texting with rie, and i'm laughing and smiling at my phone because i'm so happy. i love this girl. she's the sister i never had.

this guy who'd been standing by me in a blazer and a shoulder-length triangle of hair (it looked like he'd had it permed), asks me why i'm in a bar, texting.

i tell him that i'm texting my best friend who can't come out because she has a baby.

"you're a really nice friend," he said.

"she's like a sister," i said.

i go back to looking at my phone and he taps me on the shoulder.

"so tell me what you think of this," he said. "i just tried to talk to this girl, and she told me she was married. basically, i saw this girl and it's like...have you ever met someone and you just knew...something about them, you just had to talk to them?"

"uh...yes. i believe i'm familiar with that kind of experience."

"well, i go up to her, like...my god, she blew my mind. and i'm trying to talk to her, but she tells me she's married."

"hmmm...," i said. "maybe it just means you're looking for a girl like her, but she just wasn't the one."

"but she wasn't married! she lied just because she was blowing me off."

"well, fuck her, then. she's dishonest. why are you still talking about her? go find someone better."

"what?"

"why are you still wasting time and your thoughts talking about her when there are lots of other available women in this room you could be talking to?"

"what?"

"find someone who is available instead of dwelling on someone who's not."

"my point is, why can't i talk to you without you being like her?"

"what? how am i like her? i'm giving you good advice here."

"i know a lot about psychology."

"i know psychology."

"do you have a doctorate in it?"

"undergrad work but i know psychology."

"well i have a doctorate."

"big fucking deal."

[he either didn't hear that or chose to ignore it]

"i have a doctorate in psychology, so i know people, and i'm saying women don't make any sense. like right now. i'm trying to have a civil conversation, but one of us is being shitty."

[what??]

"are you saying i'm being shitty? i'm sitting here, taking the time to give you good advice, with more honesty than you'll get from anyone else in this fucking room, and you can't even value it. fuck off," i say, casually dismissive.

i turn around and go back to my conversation with rie. he taps me on my shoulder trying to get my attention, but i ignore it.

he leans almost over me.

"okay, i'm sorry. we're both just here to have a good time, and i don't want to be remembered as part of a bad experience."

"it's fine," i say, indifferent and distracted, because rie is telling me about the gumbo she's making.

"no really, i don't want you to be mad at me."

[good god, ignorant men can be such babies. what makes him think i care enough to put energy into being mad?]

i turn around and grab his hand and give him that black guy shake + one-arm hug.

"i'm a nice person and don't hold grudges," i say. "so we're cool. but i don't have time for bullshit."

go back to msging rie and ignoring him.

less than a minute later, he and his friend move to the other side of the room.

got a free beer from the bartender.

much love.

2009 retrospective

a transformational year--bigger, faster, stronger, wiser. the year i started glowing. celibacy and being devoutly single. personal power. the most magnetic year yet. stretching out my wings. getting serious. getting strong. bringing it up to the light then leaving the past behind. reaching out and touching people. my will becomes my way. training like a professional athlete. mornings in santa monica training with tyson chandler and kevin love. urth cafe and honey vanilla lattes. sunsets and strangers at the other room. abbott kinney and venice beach. medical marijuana. the brownie shaman giving out positive experiences. ballin' like a fiend. not good for a girl, but a good ball player. coach mike. ignoring the siren call and six packs of big, black bruthas. living in orlando. the aftermath of a break-up, like detoxing from a hard addiction. nightly dream invasions and finally...silence...the peace of a bond broken. sarah, jef, truth and killer, drumming in rock band. writing and gyming. girl bonding. 3rd party marriage therapy. please don't set me up on a date. dinner with adonal foyle who kept talking about sex. health scare with dad and an emergency plane ride home. father-daughter bonding. strawberries and dvds every night. childhood home packed in boxes and torn apart. dead mice and insects inside the walls carted off in the hundreds. finally, a home cleansed. 2 escapes to seattle for solitude. was good both trips. easy summertime in the city. sunsets, strangers, healing and magic. the missed connections guy. louca. the 47 year-old who wouldn't leave me alone. reconnecting with josh--7 Grand, a group of 1940's re-enactors, a couple of brownies and the awkward fear of looking each other too deeply in the eyes...a beautiful night, complications averted and the depths of a lifetime friendship take root. small birthday at home, opening up the back balcony--as cindy said, "most peaceful place in la." jason won't go home, staying until the sun rises but too passive to make a move. brian passed out in a little ball on the couch. good birthday. daisy's bachelorette. i prove i can get along with other girls and they can fall in love with me. some really, really want to kiss me. reggie bush, corey maggette and the kardashians at pure. who the fuck are the kardashians. red dress and dancing. a display of power over big, black men, who follow me through crowds because i told them to. i could have 'em if i wanted 'em, but in 2009, the year i realized i only want what's mine. this is a truth that holds power. stupid rob from santa barbara trying to cheat on his girlfriend. called out. the power of full moons...june, july, then august and ever after. the cruise to alaska. the beauty of meeting christian. time. magic. the dash. a newfound fountain of poetry and synchronicity bubbling up from a deep well through the surface of a cracked earth. the meanings of hello's and goodbyes. bonding with edison and jonathan. seattle opens up a portion of map now suddenly available. magic magic magic. 09-09-09 and i'm there. a wonderful journey with michael. amber and jason--a symbol of positive partnership. seattle in the light, seattle in the gray, seattle laying naked and bare in a deep blue night mindscape. music everywhere. the triple door--giant aquarium, green dragon, my fish friend. the men of seattle like moths to a flame...can't stay away from me but don't know what to make of me. lots of truth and connections. lots of truth in connections. but i won't give out my number because i'm committed to only wanting what's mine. the birth of elixr. running along the water. a different sunset every night. watching the boats come in. a surprise visitor. a journey of words without meaning. a journey of meaning without words. a silence that reaches out and touches itself at the other end of the ocean. next level achieved. solitude and a plunge into fall. red, gold, orange littering the sidewalks with gray skies and rain, singing, i'm kickin' through the autumn leaves and wondering where it is you might be going to. a torrential rainstorm, a problematic lavender dress and a beautiful wedding. basketball with steve and a near dislocated jaw. joining a women's team and regressing back to high school. my first screenwriting contest in years. a determination to succeed. halloween in my pajamas. bonding with ching-wen. she's the closest thing i have to a sister by blood. sweet sebastian. bad shoulder needs surgery. i put it off. thanksgiving turkey. rie, eric and seigo move to berkeley and closer than ever now. a realization that i want to be in san francisco soon. josh's fiance is uber-threatened by me, but i am determined to be above it and make it work--his friendship means too much. pretending to not notice the digs and being nice, and one day, she lays down the sword and makes a genuine effort to bridge. joining his lunchtime basketball game. meeting shane. my need to hunt overwhelming now. eyeing him like a big cat eyeing a gazelle, while simultaneously being eyed by a prowling panther with dragon tattoos. no good, no good. it's the jungle now. warriors games and mikki moore. a new t-shirt slogan. december comes on like a sleet storm, thundering train. the end of team bj, the formidable duo of brian and julia. the end of an era. giving up los angeles. a sad, sad goodbye to bring on a sooner hello. december ends politely with a neatly-made bed and a thank you note.

2009--a big year.
the dream of a butterfly that could possibly be real.
transformational, meditative, a patient year with glimpses of magic

i am thankful for 2009, the people, places and experiences that taught me, tested me, nurtured me, enriched me and brought me closer to myself and where i'm going. an 11 year ending with a full moon on a 9 day. beautiful and poetic. i'm sad to see it go, and i look forward to the new challenges and experiences of 2010.

and to the familiar faces within strangers i am soon to meet, i look forward to those days when we meet again.

happy new year, everyone. have a blessed 2010.

well. what a strange day.

started out fairly normal but lucked out in landing a place to stay in seattle for next week, when i called to inquire about an apt for rent. i have a feeling i'm really going to like where i live.

went to the other room.

ran into missed connections guy.

but not before being asked out by a guy with a shaved head who saw me from inside my car and doubled back to stop me as i was crossing the street. i only smiled at him because he looked like someone i knew. except he was french. why do brilliant smiles + glasses get my attention?

later, there was the one i told to fuck off. i gave him a gift and he called it shit. he was immediately ejected from my perspective.

oh, these men. it has gotten to ridiculous levels. i just want to make it to seattle. this is very important to me.

but i appreciate everyone for whatever stage of their journey they're on. there's just someone specific i'm supposed to meet.

Have you guys seen Craig's List? It's the craziest site. There needs to be social studies done on it. I've used it a few times for posting project related things, but I just started reading some of the postings and I'm realizing they've got an interesting online community there. The craziest phenomenon I've noticed, is how people use the public postings to communicate to other people, being very cryptic about it. You watch couples fight, write love letters to each other, or send private messages to each other. There are bitter singles writing "letters never sents" to exes. There are people who are lonely and just want to be heard. And there are the perverts who'd like to fuck them.

The Missed Connections sections is the best. It's like psychic people watching. You read their correspondences and you can almost see their lives and their minds, as well as their hopes and urges and fears.

Some people have been asking lately, who reads my blog. To be honest, I have no idea. Only a handful of close friends and a few acquaintances know about it. I guess the rest is comprised of strangers. It's kind of nice to get a random comment though. I really like visiting other people's sites who see the world in a similar way. Anyway, I just write this thing because it's therapeutic for me and it keeps me going with the creativity in my other projects. I write this thing for me and not for other people, but if you happen to like reading it, I really appreciate it.

Um...lost train of thought...anyway (can you guys tell what state I'm in?) ... in honor of Craig's List, and the drive people have to put personal messages in a public forum where someone may or may not see them, here are little cryptic messages to the people in my life.

* You're my angel. I was a shithead for being so mean to you for so many years, but you taught me, more than anyone about what it means to love unconditionally. You always stood up for me and I never stood up for you. Because I hated you. And I wanted you to feel pain. And for that, no apology will ever be grand enough for what I have done. Somedays I wish you would look me in the eye and connect, just for a moment, and tell me that you truly forgive me, or hate me, or love me, or anything. Just one moment of a connection so that I know that you really UNDERSTAND. I love you more than I'll ever find the ways to express.

*Why wouldn't you just explain things to me? Why were you so goddam mean? I just wanted someone who would explain things to me and instead, you scared the shit out of me.

*Your smile lit up my day. But I'm afraid because you're so much smarter than me.

*Buttercup, dear, what would Subject A do if Subject B & C & D stopped flashing their overaged titties and realized that Subject A is a total flaming closet case?

*Be good in Hawaii. I got your message about being hit on by men who were a disgusting cross between Roman Polanski and Donald Trump. Damn. Hook me UP!
I miss you so much.

*The Master plan. You know I think the world of you. But let's take it slowly with the Master Plan.

*I'm so proud of your new job. I really hope this one makes you a lot happier. It sounds like a really positive move and I'm so glad, because I really wish you had more good things in your life.

*Girl, you crack me up. You've a lot of friends. And we all love you. Why don't you ever call me?

*Dude, don't even power trip. You know what you want. Who's the one who's afraid?

*I know you're scared and trying to not deal with it. But another kid is a scary thing. Find that strength inside you. You'll be okay.

*Remember that dream that I told you I had about you? I'm worried sometimes. Let me know that you're okay because I'm afraid to ask.

*I know what you've said. I can't believe how you can lie to yourself about so much. And to disrespect me along with yourself by saying those things. I really can't believe you. I have lost all respect for you. I would cut off your hand before I give you mine.

*Bitch, I ain't even talkin' to you.

*Yeah, I would like to meet up with you in Italy this summer. I don't know why I'm so bad at corresponding with you. I think it's because talking to you makes me happy, and I'm not ready yet to be a happy person.

*I'm in love with you. And I don't really want to do anything about it. I just like that it's there, and I like that you're there, and it makes me think, what a beautiful world it is.

*I went by your place tonight on my way home. Don't like that I can't contact you. I was mad when I left but I had no idea where you were coming from. I wish I had left a number.

*Hmmmm. Really think you're creepy.

*He signed the letter, ps--I'm not gay. I think that's REALLY funny.

*You're married but I know you've thought about it. It doesn't bother me.

*I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't go visit you when you were in the hospital. I was scared. And I know you were disappointed. I was just so scared of saying goodbye. And now I say goodbye to you every night.

*What you did, cut me down to my soul. And did you know, I still loved you for months afterwards? How much sense needed to be talked into me for me to walk away? I would have come back and taken it, too. Because you really spun it. But I really don't think about you much. I managed to place other assholes in the way so I won't have to think about you.

*I can't believe you guys lied to me. I'm terrified of running into you on the street. Because I'm really angry.

*You are one of the most amazing people on earth. You are seriously an enlightened soul and got me through such a rough time. I wish you would just admit how incredible you are. You're going to be famous one day. You have the skill of touching other people. And I don't mean that in a weird child-molesting kind of way. I guess it kind of sounded like that.

*What the hell, man? Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend? I wouldn't have done what I did. Because that just ain't right.

*I don't know who you are. But I'm trying really hard. And I hope you're still there when I get there.

Today I got my first visitor in Seattle. Probably the most unexpected visitor--Christian from the cruise trip to Alaska. I hadn't heard from him in a while, and I actually thought maybe I wouldn't...in one of his first emails to me, he'd said our paths seemed very different and he didn't know if we would see each other again in this lifetime, and in his last email, he'd signed it saying, take good care of yourself. After such a powerful but unexplainable experience on the cruise ship, it really felt like maybe we'd said all that there was to say, and the only thing left was to appreciate having had the connection and move on. I'd written him one more time to thank him for recommending the Little Prince, and that I hoped everything was good for him. I didn't expect a response and didn't get one, and have since, just kept my eyes and mind forward and have been trying to honor the inspiration from our connection by making the most of my life and creativity.

I was surprised when I got an email from him a few days ago. His cruise contract was ending and it sounded like he was working through decisions about the next step, so I wrote an email back talking about whatever it is I'm always talking about--believing yourself and defining your goals, etc. He had ended his email with, "How about a cup of tea?" And I finished my email saying that I promised that the next cup of tea I had, I would think of him and send him positive thoughts.

He responded by saying, how about a cup of tea with him, in Seattle.

What.

I wasn't sure if he was messing with me or being abstract. He's said before that we owe each other a dance and we'll have it...someday, somewhere (I actually think I know...I saw a vision of it in my head as soon as I'd read that line. But I'm not allowed to say...not until after it has happened if it really does happen). But this gave me chills. Was he in Seattle? Was he coming to Seattle?

I asked when, and he wrote back, Mondays.

Now I was really confused.

I asked if he was suggesting having a tea party every Monday, and he was still being mysterious, sending me a link to his cruise line, saying that he was going to be in Seattle a couple of Mondays and some Fridays. I checked the site and the only date listed for September was the 28th. I couldn't believe it. I'd assumed that the ships travel the same routes so his was locked on Vancouver to Alaska. I didn't realize they have different routes.

Thinking back, I remember that day when I rounded the corner on my way to sign my lease and saw that giant cruise ship (the Infinity) with the X that was the same as the one from the Mercury. I remember thinking that this might be a joke the universe was playing on me, kind of like the Missed Connections paper lantern guy. When I moved into my apartment, I realized that I could even see the Infinity from my balcony. While watching the Infinity last weekend getting ready to depart, I started wondering...what if this is foreshadowing? What if this is a sign? What if...could it happen? (I remember the last note I wrote..."Until we meet again when we least expect it...") Was it possible? In Seattle? Maybe...no. I couldn't let myself think that. I was tempted to look up his ship's schedule, just to know for sure, but I was scared to go down that path, open that door. I wasn't afraid of what I might learn, but just the fact that I would be letting myself chase a hopeless hope, when I should really be staying on my own path and only pursuing what's mine. I knew it wasn't good for me. I'd been warned about not getting distracted...specifically about not playing for something someone doesn't have so I end up losing. So I thought about it, remembered that he said he was going to Thailand in September when his contract ended, figured he probably wasn't even on the ship anymore, so it didn't matter. And I closed the thought.

And then it was the day of the new moon, September 18th. Now 9/18/09 is like 09/09/09 (the 1+8=9), but I figured it would be just a little bit weaker, or maybe things that I had "planted" on 09/09/09 (the day I arrived in Seattle) would come to fruition.

New moons are supposed to be good times to put your wishes out into the universe, to state what you want. On top of that this was a 29 day featuring triple 9's. Despite the fact that I read that because of the Mercury Retrograde and some other things going on that would make the time period between the 15th-23rd difficult, I was optimistic that it would be a good day.

It started with me finding a $10 bill on the street. I'm very good at losing money from my pockets (ask my mom about the $100 bill I lost once when I was a kid). I rarely find money. So I was kind of suspicious, worried that it was bad luck to spend it. I ended up buying coffee and lunch with it. I sat at the cafe for a few hours, but then when I asked them for the key to the bathroom, the guy asked, "You are a customer, right?" "I've been sitting here for 2 hours," I said. It wasn't a big deal, that conversation, but it kind of made me feel hollow. Not like a powerful, integrated shadow, the way I like to feel when I'm observing the world, but insignificant and invisible.

That night, I was sitting in my chair, watching the dark water and the distant light from boats. I felt really sad and lonely. I worried that I was disappearing. I thought about the book I was reading, and how this woman would sit up nights, thinking about her husband flying a plane through darkness, and wondering where he is. I thought about what a hard life, to look out into the blackness, and wonder if it has swallowed all that you hold most dear. I thought about Christian, how he was somewhere out there, and wondered if I would ever see him again. Rie had asked me recently if I still think about him or the things that happened on the cruise. I told her yes and no. My mind does constantly drift to that place in time, that connection, but I make a conscious effort to force myself not to indulge in thinking about it, not to disrupt everything as it is in the past. I told her I didn't have room in my life to cling to things that weren't even real when I had so many things I needed to do, when ultimately I want something and someone in my life who is real, who is there for me, and who I can be there for. I can't allow myself to slip into fantasies that might prevent me from finding what's mine. Someone who I wasn't even in touch with who was already in a relationship is not mine. Plus, outside of that experience with the first guy I ever dated and I didn't know he was cheating on his girlfriend, I refuse to go anywhere near toeing the line with people in relationships, which is why even though I have a lot of male friends who are in relationships, their girlfriends trust me. I don't steal. So I treasure the memory and I treasure his existence out in the world, but I can't spend time building anything on it. There was nothing concrete with which to lay down any kind of foundation, so I don't allow myself to think too much about it.

But as I stared out into the water that night, I found myself missing him. New moon, I thought. Put out there what you want.

What did I want? Did I want to see him again?

Yes, a small voice inside me echoed, sadly.

Enough to wish for it in words?

I hesitated. A person should always be careful what he or she wishes for. What if we saw each other again and it negated the beautiful connection we had? What if nothing happened, and I just felt stupid tomorrow morning for trying to drum up magic for things I shouldn't be concerned with?

It didn't matter. No one would know but me.

So in my head, I said, I would like to see him again. I would like to know that we are both real.

And in the distance, a train rumbled by.

Later that night, I got an email from him after not having heard from him in months. It was a pleasant surprise but it made me anxious. I think I was feeling a little bit down, so I wasn't feeling very trusting of the universe, so I put it away to read again later. Then it rained, and that was the night I took pictures at 4am.

Fast forward and I look up his schedule and the only Seattle date listed for September is the 28th. So I'm thinking, cool, I'll see him next week. I'm shocked, amazed, thinking this is pretty unbelievable, and write him back with my cellphone # to let me know when he's free.

I go to bed and wake up every hour. I'm having really disjointed dreams, and at one point Brian wakes me up at exactly 3:00am with a text with a line from a Royksopp song. At 4:34am, I wake up again. I note that there's only 1 clock, but the time adds up to 11. At about 6:20am, I wake up from a dream where I'm trying to help a friend's girlfriend with something, but she's acting really resentful towards me and I don't know why. We've always had a good relationship. It was a frustrating dream. I see that dawn is breaking, and go out to the balcony to take a look at the water. I see a cruise ship going by slowly, all lit up in the darkness like a ghost ship. Later, it returns and docks. I go back to bed.

I'm woken up by my cellphone ringing just before 9. It's a number I don't recognize. A man asks me if he's woken me up, and he has, and I think I know who this is but I'm not sure. I ask who this is, and when I hear the accent, I know it's Christian. He asks me what I see from my balcony. As I'm opening the door, it hits me. "ARE YOU HERE????" I look out and sure enough, there's a cruise ship at the dock, and it says Celebrity Cruises on the side. "The question is, is that the Celebrity Mercury or the Celebrity Infinity?" he said. I'm so confused. I thought he wasn't coming in for another week. But...why would he be calling me unless he was really here?

I couldn't believe it. This man whom I thought I might never see again, was currently TWO BLOCKS away. I don't think I ever really let myself believe in this reality. It just seemed too surreal and...like asking for too much. Yet, this was what my eyes were reporting.

We met up on the skybridge that connects the cruise terminal to my neighborhood. Walked around, stopped in at Borders where he got me All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum (which is ironic because I didn't go to kindergarten). Had lunch at a french cafe off of Pike's Market. It was comfortable and happy...it felt like seeing an old dear friend, like picking up ideas and conversation where we had last stopped. Yet...this penetrating feeling of having recovered something that had been thought lost...this feeling that I couldn't believe this was real, but regardless, it was important to appreciate it because it was here. It was an experience that made me feel thankful. It was an unexpected gift.

To whom it may concern,

Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

First night back in LA and who do I bump into on the street but Missed Connections Guy. Had a great conversation. There was more light in his eyes. I told him about wanting to move to San Francisco next year, and he got excited because he moved to SF when he was 19 and spent most of his 20's there...he considers it where he's from. He said that if his living weren't tied to the film industry, he would move to SF in a heartbeat.

I mentioned coming back to LA at the end of the month for shoulder surgery. He invited me for drinks the next day, but it didn't sound very practical because he had a 7am call time, and said he'd be working a 14 hour day, but I agreed to meet (he didn't show up but I met this NBA player's brother and talked with him. It was interesting, but I'm not really impressed by people whose identity is based on the success and notoriety of others. I'm still meeting people who are close to BD. I even told this guy, Ro, that Baron and I are destined to be homies when the time is right...he laughed and said, that's probably true).

I told him it was great as always to see him, and we hugged. He recoiled in horror, asking if he'd hugged me too hard and hurt my shoulder. I told him it was fine, it's just a warrior wound, not a day to day thing.

He laughed and said, "I love a woman who has warrior wounds."

I secretly loved that his eyes were glowing.

Beau. Our paths keep crossing. I'm not going to chase you. But I do wonder what you mean. At the very least, I wanted to talk to you about Avatar.

got the news today...candice is pregnant! due jan. 20th. very exciting. am going to try to head back up to san francisco next month to see them. would like to make a stop in seattle as well if i'm going to be traveling.

the salmon i caught in alaska arrived today. damn, that's a lot of salmon.

had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the beach with b, jason and amber, then took a walk on the sand. the weather today is incredible, the entire world feels bigger. saw a little boy with no pants on playing in the sand. how did he lose his pants? his parents are bad supervisors.

b, jason and amber are heading to the lyle lovett concert tonight. i was thinking about going down to venice for first friday (the first friday of every month, the art galleries on abbott kinney, this really cool street off of venice beach, opens their doors late night and it's like this giant street party). this would be almost the one month anniversary of that crazy night with the hipster and the missed connections guy, that unusual week that happened during the last full moon. i almost feel like everything that happened on the cruise was the culmination of what that week had been pointing me towards, giving me clues so i would recognize what i needed to recognize when i found it. so in a way, it doesn't surprise me that i see such a correlation between last month's full moon events and inspiration, and this month's floodgates opening.

when i reread what i was writing over that period of time, i feel like a deep, psychic part of me knew what was coming up, but needed to prepare my mind, psyche, spirit for it. maybe put myself in the right philosophical mindset, because all these ideas and convictions i was expounding about then, i'm being forced to stand by, and if i hadn't written them down with such conviction, this week's test would not have been so difficult yet so important. i needed to prove that my integrity and honor are not easy words, but true core facets of who i am.

b has bought push-up handles and had been texting about a push-up contest while i was away. he just made me do push-ups. so folks, if you want to join the contest, i've set the bar. the number to beat is:

2

:D

spirits are high. heart is mending. trying to stay focused on just getting where i'm going, and setting the right direction to put future julia in the best position possible for happiness.

i disown what i said about how i think i will never be happy. i think i just never believed i can have both inspiration and happiness in my life, that i would have to choose. fuck compromising. a person should only compromise when they're faced with a situation requiring compromise. but to set out on a journey with a compromised goal is unforgivable. i'm going to go for the gold. ultimate fulfillment. and if i fall short, that's okay, i'll always know i tried and didn't sell myself short. but if i don't fall short, then you know what, i got exactly what it was i hoped for and deserved.

if i want to be with someone who can be happy being with me because he's confident enough in accepting me as his first choice, then i have to be the same kind of person who feels i deserve my first choice as well. i can not settle for second choices, while expecting others to see me as a first. i need to be okay with feeling i deserve exactly what i want most, because i am the only one who tells the world what it is i deserve.

This site is really entertaining:

http://www.defamer.com/

It combines my favorite internet people (psycho)-watching activity - Craig's List Missed Connections - with celebrity gossip/rants.

Hey Whit, read the Zach Braff post...

Remember when we saw him on that Scrubs panel at the Museum of Radio/Television a few years ago? Remember when he told that story about nurses stopping him at a restaurant and saying they were really big fans of the show, and then the other people on the panel made fun of him by saying that he just told that story so he could mention starstruck nurses? I remember thinking, this is a guy who will totally turn slutty when fame gets him what he can get.

Well, more power to him. Love the art, not the artist.

As a supplementary note, I saw Michael Moore this weekend. I was sitting on a lawn people-watching and he and another guy were walking by, deep in conversation. At first, I didn't recognize him. I glanced over and saw a sloppy fat guy in a hat and glasses and my first thought was (I swear to God), "That guy looks perverted." Then I suddenly realized who he was and as he walked by, I noticed that he was grotesquely fat (he was wearing sweatpants). He looked like the kind of guy that a girl out alone would steer clear of and avoid conversation with at all costs.

Again, it doesn't take away from his brilliance or my admiration of his determination and focus in his films. But it just reminds me that it's important, in how we view all people, to separate what they create and accomplish (as well as our admiration of those things) with the people themselves. Confusing these things is a tragic setup for unnecessary and unfair disillusionment and disappointment.

back at craigslist again

so many people might remember the whole episode where i put out an ad searching for the man i kept meeting up with in recurring dreams. and how it turned into this magical night. and that night led to a year abroad in amsterdam living in high drama (see: most of 2008).

yes, kismet's a tricky little fucker.

so clearly i've learned my lesson, right? romantic notions are great. but end of the day, settle for a nice chinese engineer or accountant.

but yet, here i am again, putting my big toe into the murky waters that is craig's list missed connections.

it was saturday, may 9th. i was finally back in la after a year of so much travel that my idea of home is obliterated. but brian is happy to see me and so we head out to the other room in venice. i believe it was also around a full moon, where i seem to be strongest, at my most magnetic for karma. my notes from that night:

An unusually high number of froderists, Tim Meadows looking sharp in a white shirt, 2 grown men scared out of the bar by lioness psychic seduction, 1 raging queen in a vest (not Brian). Somewhere in there, i'm pretty sure someone grabbed my boob and while it was too crowded to tell, I think it was a girl.

Had spark of inspiration before we left home that I'm looking to meet a stranger with a true spirit who's uncanny in his ability to communicate with computers. I figure we'll know what we're supposed to do when we get there.

I asked B to point out one non-douchebag, someone good enough for me, and I would talk to him. He pointed out a guy with intense eyes by the door. I said, funny, we've already been looking at each other. He's the kind I usually go for, but the kind who probably cries after sex. The guy watched us discuss and suddenly ran out the door. RAN. Even though there was no way he could have heard what we were saying. We just made a guy run out of a bar, I said. I felt bad. His issues, B said.

what i didn't go into detail about was the tall guy by himself in the corner. kind of looked like that dude jennifer garner used to be married to, pre-michael vartan homewrecking. mid 30's. we had made eye contact earlier, the kind where you think you know the person, realize you don't, but then you WANT to know the person. the unknown strangers you recognize...undercover soulmates on full-moon nights inside dark corners.

my type.

we kept looking at each other, then brian appeared by my side with drinks. crap. we always look like a couple when we go out together. let's go over here, brian said, and leads me to a space right next to the guy.

now it's kind of awkward because he's looking at us and brian and i are busy making fun of the people around us, so now not only do we look like a couple, we look like a couple of assholes.

but i want to know this guy, know why he seems familiar.

hey, brian, i said. ask that tall dude over there if he's good at computers.

i remembered my spark of inspiration from earlier that night at home. maybe he's the one i'm looking for. he seems shy, maybe the type that gets along better with machine than man.

i'm not going to talk to that guy, brian said. you wanna talk to him, you go talk to him yourself.

fucker.

but the truth is, i'm kind of shy sometimes.

so i just kind of steal glances at him, my feet like cement, my mind gummy. working up the nerve, working up the nerve. laughing at flaming queens wearing vests, but quietly deliberating inside, working up the nerve.

and then he leaves. squeezes by us, careful not to touch anyone, walks right by me, and i could have reached out and stopped him, given him a reason to stay, but i didn't.

enjoyed the rest of the night, left the bar with a giant round moon trailing us, only minor havoc on the night's scorecard, but deep in my secret depths, disappointment.

i forgot about that guy. mostly because i decided that was my new favorite bar and i met other interesting characters, like greg, the guy i asked if he was a serial killer within minutes of meeting him, then looked him up, had drinks with him a week later to make nice about "it's not you giving off weird vibes, it's totally me. i just like to check the way prostitutes ask a john if he's a cop first."

but then last night, i got home from vegas coming off a big party weekend, very little sleep and a long solo drive listening to a boring-ass audiobook that made me scream into the desert wind to stay awake, and brian wanted to go to venice for dinner.

do you wanna, like, put on a bra or anything?, he asked as we stepped out the door. i'm in fact, wearing the t-shirt i've been doubling as my pajamas over the weekend, because i was too tired to shower and change in the morning.

would you feel better if i did?, i asked.

i don't fucking care, he said.

so we went off, me looking like i was coming off a 72-hour binger which i basically was, titties to the wind.

it's a cute little place on abbott kinney and when told there was a 40 minute wait, i got really irritable, but felt better after a walk and a cup of coffee. we came back after half an hour and they had a table for us. as we were led to the table, the tall guy from the bar a month ago walked past from the direction of the bathroom. he gave me a shy little crooked smile and i involuntarily stopped in my tracks, watched him take a seat at the bar. brian asked me if i wanted to sit inside or outside, with the inside seat facing the room (the one i would usually take). but i was staring at the guy. brian had to ask me again twice, and i said i would take the outside one because i wanted to go to the bathroom, a decision i wish i had thought through because i would spend the rest of my night craning to look at him as i decided what to do.

apparently, on some level i not only hadn't forgotten about this guy, but he had the ability to stop me in my tracks, then pace in the open space of a restaurant wrestling with myself over an impulse to approach him and being scared that this was one of those moments right before i do something that in hindsight, was totally awkward and embarrassing. fear won out. i went to the bathroom then slid back into my seat without incident.

after we ordered, i pointed him out to brian and asked him if the guy seemed familiar to him. brian didn't recognize him. i told him he'd been there at the other room the night we'd gone out, and that he'd seemed familiar then as well. he met up with an older guy in a hat, but at some point, the guy in the hat stepped out to make a phone call. the tall guy was sitting at the end of the bar, alone, and i had a total opportunity to settle this once and for all, open the goddam door of conversation and find out why i had such an instinctive pull towards him. but i didn't.

brian and i finished our meal. oysters, burrata, proscuitto & nectarine plate, amazing lamb sausage pizza. the waiter was a dick.

tall guy and his hat friend met up with a woman and another man and moved to a table in the corner by the door. i checked the seating arrangement and he sat across from the woman so she wasn't his girl. which i'm glad, because she was in her 50's.

at the end of the meal, i didn't know what to do. brian went to the bathroom which was what i was hoping (brian hates it when i talk to strangers), but the guy was having a meal with 3 other people and it's just completely inappropriate to walk up to someone and start hitting on them in the middle of a dinner, unless they're a celebrity and you're a girl who wants him to sign her cleavage with a old Bic pen as his wife glares.

brian came back and headed for the door. i was looking at them, trying to decide and i realized hat guy had well noticed me staring and was looking at me with an amused smile. so i walked behind brian and as soon as he was out the door, i turned to tall guy, waved and said a shy goodbye, which was really a hello.

he broke out in such a surprised, wide happy smile, but one in which my going out of my way to say goodbye to him wasn't coming from a complete stranger exactly, that it stopped the table's conversation and everyone turned around. i slipped out the door. we rounded the corner where their table was next to the large paneled windows and i could see they had all turned around to watch us go and the woman was saying something to him and he was craning his neck to see me with that same big smile, but i was afraid to look back, as much because i didn't know what to do, as the fact that now i really wish i had showered and put on a bra if i planned to attract attention to myself.

when i got home, i couldn't get it out of my mind. who is this guy? why does he seem inexplicably familiar? isn't this how i always get into trouble, this magnetic karma-fate thing, like a moth to a fire.

but i got on craig's list, and with clenched teeth, i put up my only other missed connection post:

I've run into you twice now and both times I can't shake the feeling that you seem familiar, but I can't place it. The first was at The Other Room, last month, I think. You were by yourself. I'm an Asian girl and I was with my roommate, a white guy. The second was tonight at Gjelina. You sat at the bar with a guy in a hat before moving to your table. I was having dinner with my roommate. I waved goodbye to you as I left because I couldn't not do anything, but it wasn't the easiest social situation to ask you...do we know each other? So here's a shot in the dark. It would probably be easiest if you saw this and we could solve this mystery, but perhaps that is lazy thinking. If not, well...if this question has an answer, then perhaps we'll run into each other again.

The winds of fate. They can pull you out of a storm, or they can dash your ship against the rocks into bits. And will you want what you get, when you get what you want? What if I find him again and it turns out he's deeply troubled, or has the brain of a 7 year-old or worse, is boring?

I had these dreams last night that have kept me feeling really off and disturbed all day. Maybe there are things brewing under the surface that haven't broken into my consciousness yet, but I know I'm feeling really off and need my space right now.

The first one, my conscious self decided that I needed to experience the immediate inevitability of death (it was like I was conscious before the dream started). Then I went into this museum where they were showing executioner's equipment. I was with a tour group or something, but they separated me from the group and said that I was scheduled to be executed because people have to be sacrificed at random for the good of the whole. They showed me this machine that was like a guillotine, except it cuts people in half and they bleed to death. It was supposedly much worse than a regular guillotine because you are conscious longer before you die. As they prepped me, the executioner explained that the person lays down and then they douse their torso with boiling water to burn away the skin and fat that may inhibit the blade's ability to cut through the body cleanly. They laid me down and I was terrified, and kept trying to imagine what it would feel like at each point of the procedure, and ultimately, what it would feel like to die. The executioner took pity on me and instead of dousing me with boiling water, he poured a bowl of water that was only lukewarm. But then the blade rushed down and cut me in half.

Then I was bumped into another dream...like it was another life.

In this one, I was in a good place in my life, and I was living back in a college town where I was comfortable, making money and ultimately happy. Brian lived with me in this dreamscape as he does in real life. There's this little corner diner that we loved to go to in the dream, a place where we could hang out, mess around and everyone was cool. It was a comfortable space. I think I may have owned it.

One day, this guy I used to date walked in. We had run into each other in real life a few weeks ago and it was a bit of a shock to the system because after a while, you forget (or force yourself to forget) that certain people even exist anymore. So he walks in in my dream and it's like that scene all over again. We see each other and we're both caught off guard; out of the pure reflexivity of honesty, we're civil and a bit happy to see each other because it's like seeing someone you used to care about, even if a lot of bad things happened to bury that connection. He looked tired and worn out from life and it truly made me sad. I asked him how our boss was doing (we used to work together) and he said, "Good," paused, then said, "Actually, not so good. He was just diagnosed with a brain tumor." This hit me hard because as awkward as things were left between my boss and I, it really devastated me that he would be going through that experience, as much that he was in pain as it brought to forefront the reality that just by being born, we're all destined for some very difficult, devastating times.

As this person and I stood across from each other, I think our brains started catching up with our messy emotional history, and I remembered how much anger I had towards him. As the hate crept back (and I could see him shoring up his own defenses), I just said goodbye and left.

I was walking home when it began to rain. Since I had previously been at the gym, I was only wearing shorts and a t-shirt and it was very cold. I had gone down a long way when he happened to drive by. He offered me a ride and even though I wanted to be proud and decline, it also seem fated that this interaction with him was necessary, that it was the universe moving us together for us to finalize closure.

He drove me home and I still had a lot of anger swirling around in my head--I was being catty and passive aggressive with my comments. I think he got irritated too so when his phone rang (the ring was "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce), he picked it up and said, "Oh hi [his girlfriend at the time we last spoke years ago]," like she was so important to him, even though I knew they were broken up. So we get to my place and I jump out of the car, slamming the door and saying, "Have a great life." Totally bitchy. But then I hesitated. I was thinking, for better or worse, this is my chance at closure, and I would be spiting myself if I walked away from it. He must have seen me hesitate because he broke the moment down to the truth. "I've missed you, too," he said. It was the one thing I could never have brought myself to admit.

I got back into the car and what followed was kind of an emotional epilogue--I knew that life was not about all the things that derail a relationship or make it messy, not about who the people are as their manifestations in this lifetime, but about something deeper that connects us. I think we really do recognize people we were once very close to in a past life or in another manifestation, and I think it's very hard and confusing when society prevents these people from being close to one another, or when it keeps them from ever being truthful to each other. I think the very inherent loss that comes with being born is something that tinges my personal human experience and my outlook on life. I'm always searching for those connections that remind me of something that was so beautiful and safe and whole a long time ago, but no matter what, I still can't remember what it is exactly. It's always on the edges of my mind, just out of my grasp, driving me crazy, because in some way, I suspect it's the key to my own complete inner unity and peace.

I think at the end of the day, none of this really matters. All it is after all the smoke clears and the mirrors are boxed up and carted away is that connection between people. And as more and more things disrupt our daily lives and cause us to challenge the things that we value or use as currency within our society, all the facades and trivialities will be stripped away and only the truth that exists in the honest most basic connections between people will be revealed as the only thing that has absolute value.

Culmination - Cruise Report Part IV

Day 7, 8/1 - Inside Passage

Emerging from the murky shapes of a confused dream passage, I awaken to find I am a strong, proud knight standing in a forest alone, my armor gleaming, the world solid beneath my feet. I look up at the trees towering above me, yellow light streaming through the branches like the soft fingertips of God brushing the earth, and I feel so strong, so powerful, so invincible. It is a moment of absolute completion and joy. Suddenly, my legs tremble and begin to melt, and I feel my strength draining from my body. I look down to find a spear protruding out of my chest, having pierced me clean through from behind. I fall to my knees, filled with surprise and sorrow, the darkness swirling around me, inside me, collapsing all that I have ever known. In the fading light of my eyes, as the world drifts away, I hear a familiar whisper so close to my ear as to be inside me.

even the greatest warriors must fall...

*****

I wake up with a start, like having a bucket of ice water doused on me, my head crackling with electricity. I feel so loud, I can't believe people in the room can't hear me. I'm easily the first one up and out of bed. I head up to the mess hall and grab breakfast (all I eat for breakfast anymore are pineapple slices and muesli, despite claiming I'm going to try an omelet every day). I happen to see Tom's parents so I sit down with them to chat, a conversation that soon deepens and widens as his mother opens up her world and her sorrow over her father's death and her mother's deterioration (his dad wasn't particularly comfortable and kept changing the topic, but she would keep returning it to this place). I listened and felt within the spaces between her words, tasting her sorrow, more full and rich than metallic, and at the end, she gave me a really heartfelt hug and told me she liked me a lot and was very happy to have met me. She said she hoped to see me in the future, and wondered if I just didn't like younger men. I laughed. Told her that Tom is an amazing person and will one day be a powerhouse who can do whatever he chooses with his life, but he's at the beginning of his journey while I'm at a very specific place in mine. She gave me a big hug and we parted.

I'm walking around listening to my iPod set on random, when the song, Colors by Amos Lee comes on.

Colors - Amos Lee

I find this song to be beautifully romantic with such delicate emotions. I'm thinking how I would love to see Justin Wade perform this song, and as the song is still playing in my ears and I'm thinking about him, he walks by. Synchronicity! I approach him and ask him if he knows this song, and he does but he doesn't know how to play it. I say I figured he'd do an amazing cover, because his voice reminds me of Amos Lee.

Really?, he asks, skeptically. You think our styles are similar?

Hmm, I say. Not your styles, but something else. The way your voices have soul.

He smiles, asks me what my name is, and I introduce myself.

He says that with such a mixed crowd, he usually does songs that people know, but every once in a while, he'll do more alternative music, like Decemberists or Death Cab for Cutie.

Which Death Cab song, I ask him.

I did I Will Follow You Into the Dark the other night, and two girls cried, he said.

I ask him if he's ever been to the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles, and I tell him how I saw Death Cab there a few weeks ago, and it was unbelievable. The Hollywood Bowl itself on a Sunday night is a spiritual, transcendental experience, but that night, as the band played Transatlanticism, they set off fireworks to the most powerful part of the song.



It was one of the most uplifting, soul-shaking musical experiences of my life.

I asked him if he knew any Damien Rice, and he said he knows Delicate. I ask him if he'll play it tonight, but he says that he hasn't practiced it in a while. So I tell him, then you'd better get to your room and start practicing! I mention that the album O is kind of like a drug to me, that I actually had to cut myself off from listening to it because when I get into it, I end up staring out of windows, listening to the album for hours on end.

When I walk away, I realize I'm craving it now so on comes Damien Rice and O, and off goes my mind staring out at the sea.

I go to the Cova, which I completely associate with creativity and discovery now, to write. For the first time in months, I feel I'm ready to delve back into my book, to review where I'd gotten to, and see where I will be going. But first, my morning pages.

8/1 Free-Write Excerpts:

I don't know about perfect love, but I know about great love. And it's okay, because sometime, somewhere, we've had it so that's why we are thankful for it now. I am feeling everything bittersweetly. I remember something my college mentor, m, wrote that has always stayed with me:

writing a poem about the girl should never be better than the girl, than being with the girl. don't write the poem about the girl unless you'd really rather be with the girl.

If you're not really here, then I don't want to be either. If vision is the only validation, then most of my life isn't real (* Black & Gold, Sam Sparro)

I am looking for a man with a good sense of timing. I've learned how to fight for things. Now I'm learning how to fight for the right things at the right time. Learn to crawl before you walk. Learn to love before you commit.

Your daddy, he's the iron man. Battleship wrecked on dry land. Your mama she's a bitter bride, she'll never be satisfied...you know, and that's not right. But don't cry, you know the tears will do no good so dry your eyes. They told you life is hard, misery from the start, it's dull, it's slow, it's painful. But I tell you life is sweet, in spite of the misery, there's so much more...be grateful. Well who do you believe? Who will you listen to, who will it be? Because it's high time that you decide...in your own mind... (*Life is Sweet, Natalie Merchant)

The weight of the world is something that feeds you, an animated force that believes in you. That your own darkness becomes a source of strength. Inspired poetry in my heart and now I have a fever to burn off. I only move in one direction, forward. If it makes it hard, keep breaking it down until you have something you can manage, but you have to keep moving forward. In the struggle of bittersweetness, in the space between comes truth. You never completely know anyone. Platonic love might be the purest form of love--no demands, each accepts the other for what they are. But it is not just platonic love that lays sole (soul?) claim to this.

Jesus did not turn water into wine. He turned pain into bittersweetness and that's the best we can do and still be truthful.

There's still a little bit of your taste, in my mouth. There's still a little bit of you laced, with my doubt. It's still a little hard to say, what's going on... (*Cannonball, Damien Rice)

Only the truly strong know how to be truly gentle. Perfect love is inspiration. Great love is tragic. But true love is unconditional acceptance. In a bittersweet world, learn to love every taste and texture because it's what makes life rich. Accept that who you are today is the sum of your decisions. Believe in a beautiful tomorrow but know where you are today. And beyond all, trust that you'll find beauty as deeply inside yourself as in the horizon of an outstretched universe. Then...then is a place that doesn't exist yet. We is a figurative that today can be just as wide as tomorrow. I don't forget. But I do let go. What was lost was once found. What's found was once lost. Take solace. Nothing of value is ever lost forever.

*****

I suddenly realize it's the first day of August. I realize it's time to celebrate because I've made it, and as I hoped I would be at this junction, I am not only back to my true self, I am stronger than ever.

Here's some back story.

I've been striving for August. Earlier this year, as I was burning the pain of the end of my heaviest but most heartbreaking relationship through my system, when every day was a crawl on the path of returning to myself, I was hit by a sudden inspiration, an intuition, a knowledge, that everything would be upright again by August. That if I could put myself back together and be my whole self again by August, I would already know a man there who would make all this pain worthwhile. I knew this with a conviction I could not explain. Who or what he was, I wasn't sure, but he was someone I've been very, very excited about since March, someone I needed to work my ass off in order to be in the right place for. In fact, when I finally opened up to my ex's brother about the pain from the relationship in June, I mentioned it:


Dear Ian,
Thank you for your sentiment. It actually meant a lot to me, hearing your perspective. I've been pretty private about things, but I have to admit that relationship with your brother was one of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life, particularly because of how high our hopes were for it, because I did truly care about him and wanted the best for him, and because I had always been someone who believes that with enough love and desire to make things work, you can ultimately make things work.

But I look back and can't help seeing how naive I was, and that things can only work out if both people are honest with each other and are genuinely working towards the same goal. Your brother is not a bad person but he's a man of many secrets, many hidden rooms and rooms hidden inside hidden rooms, so many that I think he doesn't even know all of them or at least, can not keep track of them. So at the end, no matter how deeply I tried to see, feel and understand him, to this day I still have absolutely no idea who he is, or if the person he wanted me to believe he was even existed.

This...this is a very, very sad knowledge to have to hold in your hands about someone you loved.

I believe at the end of the day, he is his own man defined by his own needs, desires and agenda, and the only decision available to me was how much I was willing to give up. In the end, I just wasn't willing to give up on myself. It would have been disaster. But time heals all wounds no matter how deep, and the benefit is that I'm more able to appreciate people who are open and honest and just overall, kind-hearted, gentle people. Not saying these particular people and I are necessarily romantically fated, but I can tell that I'm definitely clearer on what is good for me, someone I can form a true cooperative partnership with who makes me feel safe and loved and whom I can trust. Someone I can give these exact positive, warm feelings back to and he'll appreciate them. I think I probably needed to go through what I did in order to grow up more and be more clear on what's good for me. Isn't it strange how we don't always want what's good for us? I really think this understanding is a major part of growing up.

Meanwhile, life is relaxed, family is doing GREAT, I'm meeting so many new people so randomly, men and women, old and young...lots of connections and interesting conversations. One thing I've been excited about is I have had a strong feeling that I will be meeting someone extraordinary around August, but have no idea who, so that has been a source of intrigue. I'm patient though--won't ever settle again for anyone who isn't kind, open-hearted and genuinely wants to be with me, so whoever it is who touches my heart I trust will be a cool dude.

There had also been a spike in men circling around me in June and July, some pretty aggressively. Many seemed really nice and very interesting, potentially suitable partners, but I'd suddenly become very clear in my concept of "Not My Dude." They were like last chance impulse buys, things to test me when I'd already come so far. Could I be tempted to give up in the final lap? I felt sure that whatever happened would be revealed around August, but a relationship that was established in June or July would not be it. It wasn't August yet...wait for August. I would know by August. Do not commit before August. So I have been patient in waiting, patient to not settle or give anything away until I had reached and passed through August. I figure I would have a better idea by then. And now, here I was.

*****
So sitting in the Cova Cafe, I'm going through my notebooks and I noticed I would look up sometimes and catch a lot of people staring at me. Maybe it was my level of intensity when I'm working. Maybe it was my giant pile of papers and notebooks strewn over the table. Maybe it was because my t-shirt said, wtf?

I didn't let it distract me though. I had to get through this while the door was open and while I had the desire. I found myself staring out the window a lot at the rolling gray waves, and wondering how one could come to know the ocean best. By understanding every tiny drop, or by drinking in the entire expanse of its meaning.

One of my favorite ideas that I try to live my life by is,

Do not lose the forest for the trees.
But do not lose the trees for the forest.

I feel it probably goes the same for the ocean. And the sky. And everything else under the umbrella of life. All that exists, and all the spaces in between. It's the parts as well as the whole as well as their relationships with each other that make up true meaning.

Suddenly I look up and Christian is standing at my table. He says hello. I love how polite and courteous he is. I like men who are gentlemen. We chat, and he says he'll be free for tea at 3:30, and I tell him I'll probably still be here.

My family comes by a few times, invites me to do things, but I'm busy. Mostly staring out the window at the water and listening to Damien Rice, but busy.

Christian comes by later and we have tea. Another one of our deep, easy conversations. One of the most glaring things I notice is how easy it is to communicate with him. I'd recently written about how I feel so often I'm translating my thoughts and feelings to people, building off analogies instead of just communicating. How I didn't want to translate anymore because it was so tedious. I want to find someone I can just talk with, someone whose mind and soul is on my level, and we would naturally understand each other.

I completely felt this with him, and it astounded me in my realization of how lacking this clarity and ease of connection has been in my life thus far. The connection was so natural in breadth and depth--his mind is quick, responsive, expansive, intelligent, generous. He had mentioned before that his girlfriend felt he didn't talk enough. I was astounded by the wealth of his mind. I knew that I was seeing just a very small sample of the man, but he had so many ideas and perspectives and wisdom, they were like fireflies burning so bright they could be seen illuminating the daylight. I felt thankful that he was being so expressive, so open and communicative, and I felt lucky in how it seemed he was also able to understand my thoughts, feelings and perspective.

My God, I thought to myself. I may have finally found my equal.

I remember a point when he was telling me he felt that he had been very lucky about his career progression and how he'd found the various jobs on his path, and something sparked in my head; I was suddenly dying to ask him if he considered himself a man with a good sense of timing. But I held my tongue. My head was buzzing. Suddenly, I had a thought.


An inkling.


Too bizarre to be true but still...

When's your birthday, I ask him.

September, he says, a bit hesitantly.

September what?, I ask, feeling the top of my ears go numb.

8th, he says.

Now I am dizzy with numbness in my head, but I maintain a poker face, make a comment about fall birthdays, how since my birthday was always during summer break, I was always jealous of people who had birthdays during the school year.

But really, my mind was flying back to that night in that bar, that conversation I had with the hipster.

That night, I had actually been disappointed because I thought it had been a false lead, so bitter about why the universe would lead me to something bright but empty. The problem wasn't the emptiness of the encounter with the Missed Connections guy. He was a distraction. A red herring.

The problem was I didn't recognize the most important clues that were dropped that night, details I had originally been too lazy to write down when I'd originally posted about the experience, but which now I truly believe I was just withholding from myself somewhere in my subconscious to prevent me from being overly influenced. What I'm about to reveal, I swear, I am not making up.

So flashback, early July, the world ramping up for the full moon that would also feature a lunar eclipse. It was supposed to be magical, mystical...something intangible but powerful in the air. I've never been so drawn to a full moon as this one. That week I had been particularly restless as electricity was sparking in my brain to the point of making me uncomfortable, and I felt hot on the trail of something. My mouth would water inexplicably with the passing scent of whatever was on the edge of my psychic periphery, but which I could never quite grasp or pull into focus.

So I walk into The Other Room, which has been very good to me in bringing me connections with strangers that have been illuminating. I've been coming here a lot because it's safe, comfortable, a great place to watch the sunset, and I have been working on being patient--that if I sit in one place long enough, the universe will bring the connections I need.

I had recently been hanging out with my trainer, this young guy with a very green outlook on life. Definitely not my dude, but a friend to pass the time with. He had asked me one day if I was Batman, because he noticed I never seem to sleep, I'm always off helping people and making strange and powerful connections at night, I'm good at appearing and disappearing, I always talk about how I use my powers of darkness for good, and I guess, because I live in what friends call the Tower of London (top floor of a secured building) and drive a black car. So I laughed at this idea that I have a secret superhero identity, but it is true that I have a strong urge to help people and work against true darkness (evil, negativity). I do most of my connecting at night. And I am a bit mysterious and magical. So it got me thinking about Batman, and how he had Alfred, a mentor and right-hand man who took care of Batman so he could go out and fully be Batman. Plus, I liked the idea of someone who could iron my clothes, prepare my meals and keep me on schedule. More than anything, I wanted someone who could be there for me when I come home, torn up and bloody with fighting life's battles, and this person would be there to bring me back to myself, the private me that the world doesn't get to touch, and help me return to strength.

So I'm sitting at the bar, thinking about how I could find a real life Alfred, a person who allows me to do what I do best (didn't have to be a romantic connection), when this guy next to me starts talking to me. His name is Louc, aka the hipster, a French-Canadian graphic artist. I kind of don't welcome him talking to me because I think he's hitting on me, but the ice finally breaks when I mention that I find that I have important experiences because I'm alone, and he tells me he understands. Because, if we were both here with other people, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But this conversation could only happen because we are both here, by ourselves, looking for some kind of experience that could help us find the next step in our paths.

Cool, I think. Maybe we can talk, so thus begins a 3 hour conversation.

I've already written a bit about what the night meant for him, but the thing I left out was that after I helped him feel understood and gave him hope of finding someone amazing he could spend the rest of his life with, he turned around and said he wanted to help me as well. He asked the bartender for something to write on and got a server's notepad. He asked me what I was looking for and I told him about this idea I'd been thinking about...having an Alfred to take care of me. We went through it, and he told me that I probably could find a guy who would take care of me, my organization, my basic emotional needs, etc., but this man would suffer, because he would always want to be my partner, and he would probably secretly be deeply in love me, but I would never see him as a partner. He said what I want is a partner I consider an equal. That Alfred would never work for me because I would never allow someone to serve me but suffer.

It's true. I would never want someone to stand by me, give me things of great value but suffer for what I can not give him in return. But Louc had kind of presented it as an either/or, and I wondered if it was possible to find someone dynamic I could consider as a partner and an equal, but who could also help me take care of the smaller but necessary details of life. The basic needs. The simple pleasures. What kind of person would this be? What kind of person..........

Then I got a spark. A symbol. Alfred, the eternal mentor/servant/caretaker/healer, was like the exact archetype embodied by the symbol, Virgo. Maybe I was looking for a very dynamic Virgo.

And then I remembered something else...prophecy.

Years ago, I was told by a very spiritual woman that she felt my eventual life partner would be an Earth sign. I was 21 years old and at the time, I found Earth signs to be very boring, or difficult to get along with because we had nothing in common. My Gemini world is one of constant change, ideas, adventure, connections. I couldn't stand the idea of being tied down. I never saw myself settling down and getting married, let alone willingly getting trapped by the mundane. Earth signs, to me, were terrestrial people who sat on the ground like lumps, obsessing over meaningless details. I couldn't possibly see what they and I could have in common.

But over the years, as I've gotten to know myself better, I realized that at heart, I am a serious and practical person. I do have my Mars in Virgo which means I feel most comfortable when things have been practically considered and plans are carried out with foresight and efficiency. I like making lists. I like things to be in order. I like being spontaneous, but not without direction. But still, I couldn't imagine being compatible with an Earth Sign--I found the Capricorns I knew to be too cautious and out of touch with deeper emotions, Tauruses a lot of fun but close-minded, and Virgos...well...I didn't think I'd met many Virgos. I was always intimidated by the idea of them because they're known to be very detail-oriented to the point of being critical, and I hate being taken apart and criticized (my grandmother is a Virgo and can be a bit of a critical terrorist). I don't want people to forget about my forest because they're too busy criticizing my trees!

So I've walked through life, but that prophecy has always been in the background, firmly ignored of course. Yet even when I learned how to use the symbols within tarot cards to help me organize and understand the abstract impressions I get in my mindspace when I'm alone at night, I would always find that there was an Earth Man in the distance. Sometimes I would gauge whether I'm on or off my path by if this symbol was moving further or closer.

But to be honest, I take these things with a grain of salt. As much as my mind is open and able to grasp the abstract and mystical, and as much as I've experienced some highly unusual and unexplainable things in my life, I'm still very practical and prefer hard, tangible evidence before I fully trust something enough to believe in it. Or at least, I like having corroboration from another person who can swear they experienced the same thing.

So as we sat at the bar and we discussed this Alfred business, I wondered...maybe ultimately, I really am looking for a Virgo. Maybe that's why I haven't really crossed paths with any... perhaps because I've never been open to it. But now I'm in more of a place to appreciate their qualities.

We moved on to other topics when he asked me what I was looking for. He said he had a feeling that my being in an equal partnership with someone who is on my mental and spiritual level is very important. That when I find this person that I'm looking for as a partner, children would suddenly become very important to me as well. I told him that I wasn't highly motivated by the idea of having children, because I only wanted to have them in the right situation with the right person. But if I never did, I could accept that because sometimes I feel that I'm out helping and guiding so many people, that if I never have children of my own, there will still be plenty of people in this world that I can give that nurturing energy to. But he said it would be different, because when I have my own children, I will be able to take all of my wisdom and shape them into extraordinary people, and because my partner will also be someone of extraordinary wisdom (because this is the only kind of person I would accept as an equal), our children would probably have the chance to be very special and influential to the world.

It made sense to me. It almost seemed too good to be anything but a wish or dream, but I liked the idea of it.

Somehow we got on number theory and I told him about how I see numbers (energetically dimensionally), and how they sometimes guide me in my decisions. How I'm a 9 (all the numbers of my birthday added together then collapsed: 6141978=36, 3+6=9), and how 9 is a number that I feel is the culmination of human experience and wisdom, that the outlook of someone who is a 9 will be always humanitarian...to get people to rise towards their most humane potential and strive for a higher level of awareness. Plus, if I'm anywhere around a craps table, 9 comes up a lot.

I told him how 9 is the only number where if you multiply any number with it, it turns back into 9 (ie 9x2=18, 1+8=9. 9 x52 = 468=4+6+8, 18=9). I also say that when you add any number to 9, it turns it back into that number (9+5= 14, 1+4=5). So I had a theory that 9 is both a mirror and a collective embodiment of the entire numerical spectrum of energy. That as soon as I realized the mathematical properties of this number, I realized how it correlated to my life and my abilities, how I have an ability to mirror people so they project their inner selves onto me to be able to understand themselves; I believe that's why so many people feel that I'm "kindred." They are seeing their own reflection in me.

It also correlates with how I seem to be able to take in other people's energy and embody their traits, like by taking in their true selves, perspectives, feelings, ideas and experiences, I am able to more fully realize the spectrum of human perspective and human experience, becoming more a collective being holding a greater understanding of the world. That the more people I meet, the more people who I have dynamic interactions with, it adds to me, so I find greater and deeper ways within myself to relate to others. because I've collected not just the sum of who I am, but I've also incorporated the knowledge that comes from the sum of others. I relate this with how 9 multiplied with anything turns back into 9. I travel the reaches of the universe through others, going so far just to return to myself, but now possessing a deeper knowledge than before I left this exact point.

He wants to know what he is. He gives me his birthday and I find that he's an 11 (11 and 22 are the only two numbers that don't collapse because they're ideals). I say, wow, 11 is a good number; it's the next number up from 9. 11 is a leader of men, someone who brings new ideas into this world. I tell him how I've been wondering lately, if I'm looking for an 11 to help lead me to my next step (just another one of those ideas that sprouted in my head sometime over the last few months for no discernible reason, and just seemed to linger persistently).

What do you think I'm doing right now, filling up this notepad for you?!?, he asked with a smirk. I laughed. True, I said. You've been beyond helpful to me with your insight tonight, and I appreciate it.

We continued our discussion, and I imagine that anyone listening in would have thought it quite unusual, but it seemed to make absolute sense to us in that moment. He thought September, 2009 would be an interesting month for me because of how important 9's are to me, and told me to really think about how to manifest my money goals that month to lay down the groundwork for the next stage of my path. He said to look out for 9/9/2009 in particular, which would be a 29 day, always a magical day for me.

By the end of the night, we'd exhausted the notepad.

It was a beautiful connection, a beautiful night. A few minutes later, in walked Missed Connections guy and this entire conversation took a backseat in my mind, but before Louc bade me farewell that night, one of the last things he said to me was, "Keep a look out for 11's!"

*****

And now, back on the cruise ship, here I was talking to a dynamic Virgo. And here we are on a boat called the Mercury, which is the ruling planet of only two signs--Gemini and Virgo. And what first caught my attention about him, but of course...the number 11 he was wearing on his back.

hahaha.

My t-shirt said it all.

WTF?

My brain has to file it away. My mind feels just a push away from being blown, and I do NOT want to start suddenly babbling like a lunatic about numbers and astrology and French-Canadians and fate. Not to a guy with a girlfriend whom I technically just met. So I bite my tongue and continue having a pleasant, civilized conversation like the sane, totally normal person I know I'm capable of being.

Christian mentions that there will be a magician performing tonight, and that the act will feature a segment about time. He thinks I might really enjoy it because of the way we talk about time, and wants to know what I think. We actually spend a bit of time talking about the show, and I'm definitely enthusiastic about it. When we part, he mentions again that I should really catch the part about time that the magician does, and to tell him what I think about it.

I go up to the Sky Deck, taking pictures. We're going through the Inner Passage, and the water and the surrounding mountains are beautiful. Catch a couple of Orcas leaping out of the water. Stunning.

*****
The show. The first act is this acrobatic couple performing a piece that's like Cirque du S'oleil. While the performance is pretty amazing, I'm more amazed by the song they'd chosen:

Ludovico Einaudi's Primavera.

I can't believe it. This day is killing me.

Now, maybe it takes another writer to understand this, but I will try to explain anyway.

My creative inspiration requires energy. Mood. Anima. A lot of times when I'm writing, if I find music that is inspirational, I will loop it in the background and it becomes ingrained in the soul of the work, inspiring it, feeding it. I remember the day Brian introduced me to Einaudi's album Divenire and suddenly, it was all I could listen to, and suddenly, I was writing again.

I remember hours upon hours upon hours of writing with this album coming through my earphones, so much a part of my inner mindspace and thoughts, that it almost seemed to reside inside me.

Now, to hear this piece of music I'd associated with being inside me played in the world outside, this music that had inspired me as I wrote a book about strangers and chance encounters and magic being shared with a room full of people, just...blew me away.

It was like being turned inside out, and I felt the entire room magnetize as the line between what was inside me and outside of me suddenly become fuzzy.

The magician was next. He was a young guy with great energy. Had an entertaining and funny act, nothing mindblowing but definitely enjoyable. At the end of his set, he gets serious and says he wants to talk about time.

My heart speeds up. I need to pay attention. He takes out a piece of paper in the form of a circle, like a clock face, with 4 lines drawn at the 3, 6, 9, 12 marks.

He talks about the nature of time. How if we enjoyed the show, then the time went by quickly. But if we didn't enjoy the show, time went by slowly. How we can waste time, give away time, have spare time, etc.

Meanwhile, as he says these things, he's ripping off pieces of the clock face.

He tells the story of his aunt who always supported his doing magic, but she died of breast cancer before she could see his first performance.

He says that on any gravestone, you'll find two numbers--the date you came into this world, the date you leave. But what's even more important than the numbers, is this.

He rips off a piece of the clock and holds it up. It's one of the black lines, held horizontally.

This dash that separates the numbers, he says, this is your life. This dash represents how you lived your life. He remembers something his mother said, about how it's not the money we make that's important in life, but how we invest our time. That life is short, and we don't have much time, so we have to make the most of it.

Then he takes out a fan from his pocket and fans under his hand. The folded piece of paper that had previously been held there whirlwinds into a snowstorm of confetti, glimmering off the stage lights. It was powerful and poignant. It was the truth.

At the end of the show, the house lights came on and people started exiting. I saw Christian at the top of the stairs, and I figured I could have gone up and told him what I thought about the "time" piece, but for some reason, I felt an urgency to go pack my bag to prepare for disembarking the next morning, so I ran out the other entrance and went back to the room to pack.

*****
Last dinner. We were late because my mom and I were out on the deck taking pictures with the sunset. O'Neil, my favorite drinks server, comes by and offers to take a picture for us. I also get a picture with him.

Dinner's good, and there's a little parting ceremony as they introduce the restaurant staff, and the servers come out with Baked Alaska's. We're nearing the end of the trip, and in a few days, I will return to LA and the rest of my family will remain in the bay area. This is the closing of the short but amazing time I've gotten to spend with my cousins, so I bring it down to a serious moment for Edison and Jonathan, telling them, "I want you to know that I'm always gonna be there for you. So whenever you get depressed or mad, you just remember your cousin Julia, and how when we get together again we're going to--" (and taking from Notorious B.I.G.'s "Party and Bullshit") I tell them we're gonna "Party...and eat cake. And party. And eat cake." They start laughing so hard and the rest of the night features them rapping about partying and eating cake. I wanted to leave them with a happy memory of me.

My camera battery inexplicably goes from 2/3rds full to flashing red, so I decide to run up to the room to charge it for a few minutes. Before I go, Edison, who had been playing a game on his dad's iPhone, suddenly says, "Julia, you can have this."

I look up and he's thrusting a piece of paper across the table at me. I'm not thinking much, so I take it and open it up.

What's this, I ask.

And then I see.

It's the DASH from the magician's clock.

My hands and mind go numb.

Where did you get this, I ask him.

The man gave it to us, he said.

Where did you get this, I ask again.

The man gave it to us, he said again.

I asked him again with the same answer, like I thought maybe I wasn't hearing him correctly, that I wasn't holding what I thought I was holding in my hand. That suddenly, I was amidst an elaborate hallucination.

Why are you giving it to me, I ask.

He shrugs. I don't want it anymore, he said.

I'm thinking about the trail of coincidence that led to this piece of paper being in my hand. It started with Christian mentioning that I had to catch the show, noting in particular that the piece about "time" would be most interesting to me. We had spent some time in conversation about it, and it was the last thing he said to me when we parted, to make sure to catch the "time" piece and to let him know what I thought. I remember thinking that the most interesting thing about the piece was of course, the dash, how poetic and poignant of a symbol it was to denote the expanse of life between the point a person enters the world, and the point a person leaves. I remember that's what I would have told him, if I hadn't been hit with a sudden urge to avoid him and run out of the theater to go pack my bag.

Then I think about how, in a room of hundreds, how Edison had ended up with this piece of paper. I remember I had seen them come into the show late, and I had saved them seats but I waved and couldn't get their attention. If they had seen me, they wouldn't have been in the position to pick this up.

Then I think about how it had ended up in my hands. You give any trivial object to a child, it can go anywhere--in their pockets, left someplace random, in the garbage, to one of their parents who puts it away carelessly or throws it away. Yet he had held on to it, all through dinner, and rather than putting it down or giving it to someone closer (his mom, my mom, his brother), he reaches across the table and gives it to me. In fact, I would later ask his father about this piece of paper, and he would tell me it was given to him as "spare time" by the magician, that they had made several efforts after the show to get him to throw it away but he wouldn't, clinging to it like it was a part of him he wasn't ready to let go of yet.

I'm blown away. Either I am suffering from a brain tumor, or this day is building up real evidence of magic.

I know that Christian and I have been talking a lot about the direction of his life, his next step, etc., and I figure, since he was the one who pushed me to pay attention to this piece on time, this must be a gift from the universe to him to let him know that the universe was watching and had him in its hands.

So I put it in my pocket, and I'm going up to the room to charge my camera, when as I'm running out the door, I see...Christian. Whom I've never seen in the restaurant, but he was pretty much the exact person I wanted to talk to. But he was talking with someone, so I just breezed by and said that I had something for him, and ran out.

He was still there when I came back. I asked him if he was going up to the dance club later for the farewell party, and he said he would stop by.

I skipped dessert and headed out to watch Justin Wade who was playing in the Cova, because I hoped he would play Delicate.

I listened for a while, and he was good, but I had promised to meet up with my family at the dance club before 11 and dance with my cousins (they kick out anyone under 18 after 11pm). I went up but they weren't there. In fact, there was no one on the dance floor. I went back downstairs, and found that Tom and the girls had shown up and were at one of the tables. I stopped to talk to them. I wondered how Tom was doing with Sarah, but I couldn't tell.

Just before 11 I headed back up to the dance club again, and this time, my mom and aunt were there. I tried to dance with them a bit but the music was really bad, so I told them I was going to go downstairs. I preferred the acoustic music anyway, to be honest.

As I'm heading downstairs, I'm wondering if I should call Christian to tell him that I would be in the Cova instead. I thought about it, and I knew that we hadn't exactly made plans to meet up, and plus, I felt weird calling because he's technically at work. So I get off the elevator and I'm debating, and I figure, wouldn't it be easier if I just ran into him. And around the corner...there he is, walking towards me. Unbelievable.

I was just coming to look for you, he said.

I'm laughing and tell him I was just thinking about running into him when it happened. It seems the perfect circumstance, the perfect timing, the perfect culmination of a storm of evidence to ask him...

"Christian, what do you think about fate?"

What do I think about fate, he replies. Well, I think there are many things in life that are coincidences that don't mean anything, but then I think there are some things that happen, that are just too unusual to just be coincidence. That there has to be something else. Like you and I being here at this moment and connecting the way we did. So to answer your question...I do believe in fate.

Man, I'm so happy. That was exactly what I was hoping he would say. That was exactly how I felt, that in this moment, in this place, there was no one else I should be sharing this magic with but him.

Big grin on my face, so excited I can barely talk, I ask him what he thought about the piece in the show about time.

He said that he thought it was very true and poetic. That life is short, so you have to take risks, you have to go for the things you want. And that his favorite part about it was how he used that dash to represent our lives.

The dash, huh? It's funny that you say that because...

I pull out the piece of paper with that one, simple slash of black.

His face lights up and he laughs that otherworldly laugh of his that fills my well with happiness and stirs poetry in my heart. And looking into his eyes, through our laughter, I am suddenly so conscious, so aware, so connected to him in the right here and now, that for maybe the first time in my life, I am completely conscious of having found a treasure that must be absolutely real because there is someone else who believes in it as well.

I have finally found someone who can see the rainbow.

Where did you get this!, he asks.

My cousin gave it to me!

Then I tell him the story.

We end up sitting down in the Cova, but not before I tried haggling with Justin to play Delicate. He still says he hasn't played it in a while and is convinced he's gonna butcher it, but I felt like considering what was happening today, between my insides and the outside world, that if he would just attempt it, good things would happen. I could feel it. My happiness was spilling out into the world, and magic was happening.

We sat down and talked; I was still so happy and giddy that I blamed it on the wine. But really, it was life. This moment. This proof of something...more...woven within the fabric of reality. The fact that Christian was here. The fact that I have never, ever met anyone like him, anyone I truly felt was my equal. The fact that upon meeting him, the rainbow appeared, and he could see it.

He mentioned that he'd been busy taking pictures with guests and noticed I'd never taken a picture with him. I told him that the day we'd first really talked, he'd mentioned so many people were taking pictures of him and he didn't know where these pictures go, that maybe he didn't feel comfortable having his picture taken, so I wanted to respect that. He laughed and said he wasn't an Aborigine. He told me that in a few days I was going to wake up and wonder if meeting him had been a dream, and I wouldn't know because I didn't have any pictures.

I laugh, because this is the same thing I'm always saying to people I randomly connect with. You'll probably wake up tomorrow and wonder if meeting me was just a dream...

He had mentioned he had his own ways of remembering me. It made me wonder how we would remember each other. How much of it we would believe.

We talked long into the night again, but somewhere along the way, there were moments where we seemed to lose the path. All that truth that had previously come so easily, now became a struggle, tentative, as the corners of the room began filling with doubt.

Who is this man? What is this? Is any of this real, or has this all been some kind of joke, a trick of my mind where I'm reading reality from a completely insane, fantastical, skewed point of view? What if I'm hallucinating and not even here?

I'm suddenly terrified that I've made this entire connection up in my head. Above me, I hear cracks in the dome encompassing my world, fissures upon fissures running rivers and branches along the surface of all that I know and believe, threatening to crumble over me, taking with it, everything I thought to be true. Oh, this better not be another joke on me.

But if I actually am sane and still rooted to reality, if this moment, and all the things that have led up to it are indeed real, if this connection is real, then what the hell were we supposed to do with it? We've each built very real lives in our own worlds. Real responsibilities. Do we even really know each other, outside of this special, magical connection, this connection that the universe seemed to be having so much fun with?

How can such a beautiful thing survive in an imagination-less world that would never allow it? Because all of it is true, isn't it? The simultaneous existence of magic, and the equally stunning reality of life.

We could feel it. We were good for each other, we brought out happiness and serenity within each other, such a level of mutual positive regard and acceptance. Such understanding, strength, comfort and beauty. Such a simple, easy connection that unlocked big, powerful things, things we've dreamed of but were uncertain in an uncompromising existence...and yet...what is potential but something that may or may not exist but in a place far away from the world in which you presently live? Somewhere, we each had built our own worlds. Here, we have co-created a dream. A beautiful dream witnessed simultaneously by two extraordinary people with their eyes wide open, but still, a dream. Because the world is still rooted by reality. And what fools try to bring the fantastical treasures of one world into the cold, stark reality of another?

It felt impossible.

As I listened into the spaces in between, I asked not, what is this, but, what now.

And in the middle of everything, one word emerged, a voice deep inside whispering, faintly at first, then louder. One word.

Undeniable in its presence.

Singular in its resonance.

Surfacing against the stark white napkin laying on the table next to those long, beautiful fingers of the man, just one word in thick, black, oily script:

Drop.

Merde.

I'm being ordered to let go.

He asked for my blog address, and I gave it to him, after writing a little farewell message. Until our paths cross again when we least expect it...

The room was heavy with the hearts of giants.

He said, you would be a nice person to sit on a sofa and watch a movie with.

She thought, you would be a nice person to slow dance by candlelight with.

Oh, the things we want but can not say.

The unspoken is tragedy. We have such potential for happiness together, but we live in a world that would never allow it.

Is it fate that crosses two people from completely different worlds on a path? Is it fate that also leads us away? Or does fate bring us together, and life tear us apart? Where does free will play into the equation, the drive of the human heart, the boundless soul, when it recognizes something of great value, something it once lost long ago in a distance memory, and reaches with all its might to hang on?

Fate, you tricky little fucker. I want to throttle you.

I ponder that if we lived in the same city, we would probably be the kind of people who meet and become instant best friends. He says that he would have to be gay to be friends with me.

Do you think men and women can't be friends?, I ask.

They can, he says carefully...but if we lived in the same city and met, I would probably fall for you, and that would be very complicated given my situation, he says.

Like he hasn't already fallen, I think. I'm pretty sure we both hit our heads on the way down.

It got late again, and it was getting close to having to say goodbye. I remember the espresso machine kept making intermittent loud noises, like that sound Jim Carrey makes in Dumb and Dumber when he asks people if they want to hear the most annoying sound in the world. That rude fucking bastard. He just wouldn't let us talk.

Finally, it was time. My heart was breaking, but my mind must not know. It must soldier on, maintain the surface, present a ship that's not sinking slowly back into the murk. Be strong for him. Be strong for me. It must make the leap into something more abstract and noble, because on a cosmic level, on a spiritual level...holy hell! On a fucking moral level, this was the right thing to do. We were playing with something powerful here, and the universe wanted to know what we would do with it, when there was really only one thing we could do, being the kind of people we are.

I was suddenly hit with an epiphany. It's all in the contradictions. That the greatest, most powerful things in life, in the universe, in existence, are the most simple, the most pure, the most honest, straightforward truths. The beauty of naked connections. That love is so big, so massive, that it transcends all of time and space, the entire giant realm of possibility and infinity, just to be here, in the right now, in this very moment and place, this tiny seed connecting two flawed and fallible human beings trying to make their way through a complicated life like all the other billions... but regardless of whether it makes sense, it is here. And this is all that matters.

As with the knight in my dream, the realization fell me to my knees.

I would give it all up, I realized. All this lofty seeking, the search for God and meaning, the need to find the ends of the universe. I would give it all up, give up all of this, just for the simple pleasure of being with someone kind and decent with whom I could live a simple, happy life.

And that was the truth.

I asked him if I would see him the next day, and he said he didn't know, because we would be disembarking early in the morning. We hug, and it is a deep, soulful hug, and in that moment, in the space between all that is here and all that has brought us to this exact place in each other's arms, I caught a glimpse of it:

Ouroboros.

The snake eating its own tail.

hello goodbye
in one breath
to the one person I have ever met in my life who made me feel complete.
through time and space
past present future

my equal.

He had asked me where he stood in my life, of the many characters I have met in my adventures, and I told him, he was in my Top 5.

This has been the only time I have ever lied to him.

He had been so serious and intent on building a wall of boundaries that I didn't want to scare him, didn't want to tell him what I knew in the deepest parts of me to be true.

He was the most important character of my story up to this point.

But I walked away from the hug, walked away from the man, because there's a place and a time to find what's yours, but for whatever reason, this wasn't it. The timing wasn't right. And we are people of good timing.

It was painful, letting go, taking so much strength and restraint to break that hug, respect the walls when I wanted to fall into it, feel the beating heart of this incredible stranger who had given me proof of life, proof of magic, proof that there can be someone out there who is my equal and can see the incredible beauty and synchronicities of the universe beyond the mundane. Who can make me feel so understood, so comfortable, so me, giving me the same kind of understanding and peace that I have found I can give others.

Somewhere, a sword was easily pulled from the stone, and what I was left with was an utter belief in the simple truth of happiness.

Bittersweet.

As the greatest love affairs are.

*****

The next morning was brutal. I woke up early again on 2 hours of sleep, nothing feeling real anymore, not even the feel of my body or my own reflection in the mirror. We had to go to the theater to wait for our group to be called to disembark, so I got there early. My iPod wouldn't turn on. I don't know why, it was fully charged. I was sitting there with my head in my hands when I hear a loud, happy voice.

"Judia!!!"

I look up and it's my cousin Jonathan, that little ray of devilish sunshine bounding down the walkway, the pinwheel I got him for his birthday in hand. He's wearing an over-sized blue t-shirt sporting a ferociously growling wolf that contradicts the soft pureness of the boy's heart--so unconditional and wide open. I smile and open my arms, and he immediately crawls into my lap as though it had always belonged to him. I kiss the top of his head, inhaling the scent of youth and innocence.

"We're going home today!," he says.

"Yes we are," I say.

"Judia," he says, happily, as he rests his head against my chest.

"Do you love me, Jonathan?" I whisper. I realize as I ask this, I've never asked him this before. He raises his head, ponders his answer, then breaks out in that trademark smile that will some day break hearts with the sheer truth of its radiance.

"I love you very much," he says as he gives me a big wet kiss on the cheek, filling my eyes with tears. This love. This is a love I can count on.

*****

They call our group and we all line up to disembark. Jonathan wants to ride on my back so I hunch down and he climbs on. As we near the opening to the gangway, I'm surprised to see Christian near the front of the line. My chest simultaneously fills with joy and heaviness.

As we approach, I ask him if he's here to say goodbye and he says he is. I reach out my hand and we shake, but he gives me a hug as well. He walks us down the gangway, all the way to customs, and this long goodbye is perhaps the most profound show of mutual restraint that no one will ever know. We hug again and part, saying goodbye. I turn and watch him walk away, through clenched teeth. My heart unravels from its cradle in my chest. Slides to the ground. Shatters.

My family has watched the whole farewell, though they pretend they haven't. All week, they have been aware of something going on, but I've offered very little about it, and they haven't had the guts to pry. I've been quite surprised and proud of their respect for my privacy. We're riding back to my uncle's condo in Vancouver, the place where this journey began so long ago, so far away in time that it seems a part of another life. I'm looking out the window, mind blank, staring in silence.

Suddenly, my uncle chuckles.

"You'll see each other again," he says. I look up. He looks like a laughing Buddha sometimes, with his round, smooth face and his whimsical smiles.

"How do you know?" I ask him.

"Seriously?" he asks.

"How could you not?"

I don't say anything, but I'm laughing inside.

Life. What can you do?

My iPod has decided it wants to be functional again. I put on the song that most fits the moment, fold my arms over my chest and watch the scenes of the city fly by at the speed of a new morning's light as I slowly disappear.