fyi
if you guys buy stuff online, talk to your credit card company about getting a virtual number. these numbers look like credit card numbers and are tied to the online merchant but aren't the actual number on your card, so people picking up card numbers from online purchases can't put fraudulent activity on it.
someone pulled my cc info last week and over the last few days, has charged over $7,000 worth of charges to africa, europe, south america. fuckers.
angry.
you can go ahead and think i'm an asshole or i'm abusive or i'm mean to people who are vulnerable, but until you understand what it's like inside a particular dynamic, until you see what kinds of storms repressed issues stir up when a person opens another person's inner world, you can't really judge.
sometimes people use others to create situations they don't want, acting out old patterns dictated by automatic programming from deepseated issues. sometimes those situations require someone who cares about their welfare to be the bad guy by not playing along, or by playing along with such exaggerated force that the detriment of these patterns becomes too obvious to ignore. sometimes you turn the situation back as a mirror so they can see they're better and stronger people than these negative cycles, that they don't need them...but as tough as you are with the healing process, you're always careful not to hurt them in ways that are permanent, only enough to make them understand they can't keep hurting themselves the way they do, a way for them to break free of the patterns to experience a freer, more fulfilling life. ultimately, you want them to be happy, even if you have to make them confront misery to do it.
you don't think it hurts me when people i care about are hurting? you don't think it makes me miserable? the night is darkest just before dawn. and sometimes, people just want someone trustworthy to go through it with them.
but then people on the outside still call you the bad guy when you never ever had a bad intention towards anyone who has ever asked for help.
fine. i'm a bad guy. i'm an asshole. i'm cruel to people and my intentions are wicked. you don't like it? go fuck yourself. go have fun acting out your envy because i don't pay enough attention to you. the people close to me know me and know what i'm about. everyone else who has an opinion without knowing me, have fun thinking you know the number of someone who doesn't exist.
no rest for the wicked
gemini. when you are going around confessing your sins, finding them spilling out of you like a shot in the gut too massive and complicated to be contained with two bare hands, it means you're bleeding.
when you make others bleed so you can have a mirror to see your own wounds, you need to understand that it hurts, but they do it for you because they love you.
whether or not you asked for this, if they're giving this to you, then you better do the honorable thing which is to understand as much as you can from these reflections so you can start healing.
fell asleep watching amores perros on the couch and it was needed.
i dreamt i was a massive black dog filled with angst that tore up windows of reality like they were bloodied flaps of burlap. while the pages bled together, i broke out of prison and visited people. i visited a married man who couldn't come out to play, but was surprised by the visit (i was a little embarrassed). i felt david but i firmly made it clear i wasn't ready to visit him. i visited a factory in the sky, which was the most efficient thing ever made, and i hung out on the banks of its moat thinking in awe, i own this whole thing. then i was waiting for a ride, waiting for a phone call.
left my dreamworld for a dreamlike day. overall, the day was unpredictable and bizarre, though i interacted with more strangers than usual (mostly african american women who were very very nice, and i also went out of my way to be very polite). got a lot of stares from both women and men but i kept to myself.
later at night as i was cleaning the kitchen, i realized that something had unfolded in real life the way it had in my dream the night before.
we'd found ourselves in the middle of a parade or crowd and somehow in the confusion, we escaped to an egyptian museum whose feel and echoes and smells felt comfortably familiar. we were shy at first, talking but afraid to look at each other, until we saw the exhibit with the image of the queen. then suddenly, it was this moment of relief and recognition, as if it were her image that had brought us together, meaning everything was as it should be.
later, you showed me my new house. the walls were lavendar. that's the color of one of the rooms in my place now, i said. i know, you said.
when i can feel the pulse of a man's heartbeat somewhere behind the steadiness of his gaze, when i know exactly where to push to spill him into my world, i have to repeat quietly to myself, be good, julia. please, be good.
but is what happens really so bad?
i always give something to balance what gets left. i try to only cut in places that make a person stronger.
but it's the taste of blood that always hooks me, that sweet cool current that allows me to breathe underwater.
so really.
my friend
has it been so bad for either of us?
realtor was asking me again today why i'm going to europe. i had mentioned it was for a business project yesterday. is it for just...work, he asked me.
hmmm.
yeah, just work, i said. then i distracted him with descriptions of the project, so that i didn't have to reveal the real story.
half truth or half lie, it depends on how you look at it.
with me, it's about secrets.
I'm really having a standoff right now as an artist. I feel like if I write too honestly, people will start wanting to pin me down and I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of exposure. Have you ever felt like that? Or, have you ever worried about getting lost in the worlds you create?
Sometimes I want to go into the woods and think about this stuff, rent a cabin and think about all these questions until I can be at peace with the answers. The only thing that stops me from doing this is my fear of how potentially crazy I might sound to others when I decide to start talking. But I just can't stop the need to find an answer.
I saw you again last night. I know what image you are. I've finally figured it out, by the warm, fuzzy, protected feeling I get when I see it. But I haven't recognized you in a person yet. Not exactly. So many of these men really try, and they are beautiful in their own ways, but I always know somehow.
Opposites in such exact opposition as to be the same thing. But I'm learning now that perhaps it's by always keeping ourselves apart that we are generating the most dynamic energy.
Some people are more aware of the changes than others, but I see so many positive changes.
I know we do what's best. But I've always wondered what it would be like to meet you.
sometimes if you tell someone about something that makes you vulnerable--ie a fear, insecurity or something in the past that hurts you, if they use that information or recreate that situation against you, it means they're manipulative and can't be trusted.
sometimes i say things and remember them, so if a person comes back to use what i'd "revealed" to him against me or if he tries to lie, i know he can't be trusted. once i told a guy that when people start yelling, i can get freaked out and can't remembered what had been said for the argument to have gotten to an escalated place. my point was that i prefer that things be resolved calmly and in the spirit of people working towards a common goal. a few weeks later, he picked an argument with me and then claimed that he was right because i'd forgotten what we'd said that led to that argument, and lied with a line that i had supposedly said. unfortunately for him, i don't forget dialogue and conversation flow even though i'd implied that i do, and knew he'd just lied during a moment of perceived weakness on my part to dominate me. he'd stepped on a wire that set off a trap, blowing his chances of my ability to trust him. he showed his true colors after i protected myself and guarded myself from him, and now i'm sure he's off harassing other girls until they see the proof of his manipulative streak and his lies.
especially in this city which is dominated by an industry whose lifeblood is about being able to disguise oneself or be something that you're not, it's really important to be open to trusting good people, but not taking everyone at face value.
i don't believe in consciously booby trapping the inner workings of close relationships because people trip and make mistakes on the way to building partnerships and getting to know people, and this is a necessary part of the process. but i do try to have ways in which i can figure out sooner rather than later if a person is dishonest, manipulative or has negative ulterior motives. it's better to keep untrustworthy people outside of the gates, than kick them out once they're inside them.
so i met with the realtor today and the offer is getting sent over tomorrow.
they say the saddest thing is to not be prepared when opportunity knocks, or to lose it with hesitation. i can say that this time last week, i had no idea i would be attempting to pick up another property this week, but then, i know that's not true. i'm always looking at listings, keeping my ear to the ground, but it's really been about when the right property jumps at you, the way your eye catches and fixates on a stranger across the room. there's a reason. i think people connect to objects and places the same way they connect to people--they're all manifestations of the path. you remember them from your future. and when you stumble upon them, you act so that you never wonder, what if.
i like the realtor a lot. i tested him a bit the way i usually do with people so i can figure out who they are, and he struck me as smart, honest and having integrity, so i respect him. he's young and married so i'm very aware of being respectful of things outside of a professional relationship, but i can't help but laugh at how nervous and awkward we both get when we're in an elevator alone together, not knowing where to put our eyes. i think it's just one of those things about men and women. even if there aren't intentions or desires, you're always just aware that you're a man (or woman), and the other person is a woman (or man). it's just that primal tension. i think my reaction to that perceived tension with my guy friends is that i'm compelled to make sure they don't really know where i come from about sex or how i see men/relationships. i hit both ends of the spectrum with effective results, from brian confiding to colin that he wonders if i'm a virgin to people really thinking i rack up multiple one night stands a week and am on the constant hunt to instigate public orgies. but i think whichever way i go is compulsive to the exact moment of conversation, and even though i say things so definitively and know they have definitive results, they're not necessarily true reflections. these statements or outlooks deflect perception of my real position, and perhaps it's like setting off flares to serve as decoys for heat-seeking missiles. if i say certain things and later, people reflect these ideas back to me to show me this is what they've accepted and believe, it means they don't really know me. by having this confirmed, i then determine if it's because of me keeping them at a distance, or because they just don't really get me, in which case, i have to be careful around them. i'm sure there are better ways of feeling people out to see if they're trustworthy of the inner chambers of your being, but for now, that's my best system of evaluation.
in regards to men being friends with women, this is one of the greatest modern debates, having reached a fevered pitch with when harry met sally. i think there's room for a lot of different types of relationships in life, different types of output, different types of compartmentalization, but at the end of the day, i just hate tension in any way, shape or form. being friends with people from the opposite sex can be a difficult balancing act at times, has to be constantly reevaluated at others, and at the end of the day, there are so many ways to complicate things, and so many ways not to complicate things. if you just chill out and let things be, it can actually be quite pure and pleasant. i've had guys tell me before that no guy is friends with a girl without having at least considered what it would be like to have sex with her, and i think no girl is friends with a guy unless having at least wondered if this person could be a suitable partner for her.
at the end of the day, i always defer to the context of reality. where are two people in terms of who they are, where their lives are and what they've built upon the foundations of their lives, and just be respectful of that. if there's more, you deal with it and maybe you can't be friends. if there's not, then...to be honest, i think it's of immense benefit for a person to have friends of both the same and opposite sex. if life is really about a person's journey to balancing their insides, their anima and their animus, then it requires the reflection of both masculine and feminine energy in order to define, expand and balance these inner energies. therefore, it's really hard to reach inner balance if you don't have outer balance with representation of the different energy types. i think our primal side does complicate things, but if you acknowledge (at least within yourself) when sexual tension is there and do your best to get the most out of human connection despite that, i think things are so much easier to handle than if you ignore or deny things. just because you refuse to admit something, doesn't make it go away if it exists. the only control we have in life is how we conduct ourselves and how we choose to deal with things.
when a person who's strong at projecting is grieving, the universe heightens around them to let them know they're part of something greater. the awareness of what i'm about to lose in the future is still a bit of a shock to me, but i'm trying to maintain focus and positivity, and prepare myself to deal with it with grace. without endings there are no beginnings.
brian talks to himself a lot. it's weird because sometimes i think he's doing it to get my attention, and sometimes i think he's just in his own world and it's a funny thing to be around. i'm sure he has all kinds of crazy stories about me, which is why i try not to piss him off too much.
we have a funny relationship. not married, not partners, not friend-siblings, but more like two particles who go really far out into the world to create new, private experiences, but happen to return to the same place because it's where they keep their stuff. we're so love/hate, and most of our tiffs come from petty jealousies.
it's kind of our big test right now. can the twins come out of their cubbyhole. i never leave far from home, and he's afraid to live alone, but i think it's time we did this, kicked each other out of the nest, our comfort zone. he's been freaking out a little about me leaving, and i really felt it was less out of concern for my romantic matters, but more about his being alone for a few months. but as terrified as i am, we've got to at least test it out. maybe we can live without each other. maybe i'm secretly terrified that when i get back, he'll be gone.
today he found me sitting in my underwear on the balcony. the nights have been so nice lately, with a slight breeze. we watched the people in the building across the street and talked about how summer has an energy that feels communal and brings people together. i went back to my office and as i logged onto my computer, he slyly mentions that he was furious at colin for telling me to go to europe, acting out the phone call but minimizing his role in them in a more diplomatic light. i found that hilarious because colin had already told me exactly what brian had said. he wanted me to know that he told colin that he and hooch are going to have to take turns living with him to keep him company.
a part of me felt a twinge of jealousy. that kind of energy in this place will be one hell of a party. but i've gotta leave for it to happen. i told him he should definitely get them in the house. and that they should really set up a webcam.
the idea caught fire, probably because we were both standing around in our underwear, and he got excited about it.
i told him i would set up a webcam if he would set one up, so we could watch each other like we're goldfish. we discussed the logistics of it, and i was continually surprised by his willingness...brian usually knows better than to get involved in one of my underwear schemes. i told him that as long as he promises he'll set up his webcam and not turn it off if something juicy's happening, i would figure out all the technical details. he agreed. i felt like it was my birthday.
i haven't webcammed since the 90's, when that whole frontier was a bizarre mosaic of personalities and worlds, yet so intricately beautiful. i learned about the dark side of the world young, through chatrooms and message boards and websites put shoddily together like junior high presentations. i interacted with the more depraved parts of human nature and witnessed the effect of instability in people's lives. if my parents knew the types of people i was meeting and learning and doing things with, they would have thought i'd fallen into a river and gotten possessed by a demon. or looked at me as an alien child. but the thing was, the bad stuff never got inside me or touched me, but it was the fact i had an intense drive to experience everything, both positive and negative. because i was just experiencing things i should have been too young to experience, and it made me see the world in a different light than other people my age. i found that when people are in new places where they can't help but reveal the truth of themselves, you'll see things you never forget, things that are hard to believe. sometimes it's inspirational, sometimes it's haunting. i met faceless people whose energies were so dark and evil, i wondered if they were perhaps, not human. sometime around my senior year in high school, i started feeling like i was tempting fate, that if i kept playing with matches, i was gonna start a burning stake, so i detached myself from that world. i got closer to people in real life, became a larger role in their lives, and i started making connections and being consistent with them. i think about some of the dangerous things that i'd found online, and i always give thanks for how lucky i am that trouble never followed me back home. i kept a lot of secrets, and developed a lot of wisdom and somehow, i really want to find a way to honor the safe passage of that experience.
so this journey i'm about to embark on, it's getting distinct reactions from people around me. i've been using the framework of story to separate a person's message with their projections to help guide myself through this part. but once i get out of the bay...it's going to be all me.
here's something else i've learned is very important:
never allow trouble to know where you live, but always give the ones you love a way to run into you.
i've had so much to say the last few days, but i feel like i'm just bleeding out of my head because the things i really need to say to the people who need to hear them...it's not happening.
they say when a gemini is talking a lot it means they're bored, but what about frustrated?
sometimes, with some people, i feel like i'm running out of time, that i only have so big of a window to connect with them and exchange information, but somewhere, is a conflict of how much i should tell people, and whether or not it's prudent for me to get involved in other people's lives.
growing up, i was always the person who went in trying to break up fights who got punched herself, or ended up having a group decide they wanted to go after me instead. or sometimes, you stand up for someone, and in the end, you find out the loyalty's not mutual as the next moment, they're feeding you to the wolves because it benefits them. my dad always warned me, don't get involved in other people's lives. probably smart advice. but then i live an isolated life, watching people, wanting to tell them what i see, but afraid to get involved in case if the shit hits the fan, i'm the easiest one to blame.
life, like in writing, is about making strong choices. they may not be the right choices, but at least you committed to making a choice and the results will fall into place the way they will by the forces of cause-effect. and then from there, you find out the results and you adjust where needed. so i need to make a choice--my mind is strong these days. people ask me questions, and i have plenty to say, or at least i have plenty to output and that changes as they give me more or different information. but i'm so afraid of being too straightforward with people, or too honest with people, because i still don't want them to kill the messenger. maybe trust is a two way street. if they trust me to be open, then i learn to trust them to be respectful, and perhaps we can see what really happens when i talk to people without holding back.
or maybe this is a test to see if i've learned how to leave people alone, to keep my thoughts and images to myself and let people figure it out on their own.
i think perhaps a good rule of thumb from now on, is to keep my mouth shut, and not be tempted by provocations to get me to speak, and if people really want to hear or see things, they have to be very direct in their request, really give me the assurance that they are open and willing to hear what i have to say.
otherwise, leave it all alone, and watch things unfold as though i'm watching a movie. people always find their way onto their feet, even if they have to go through really hard experiences and journeys to get there. just because you might be able to see where they're going, doesn't mean you have a right to tell people.
my blueberry nights. movie with good intentions and some very sweet moments. love to hate natalie portman but i give her the utmost respect for her acting. it made me a little irritated in a sisterly way why the chinese (not named ang lee) have such an awkwardness when it comes to the subject of sex. i feel like jude law was a little leering and they could have done with a sweet, mysterious unknown in this role. when i sit and imagine what it would be like to be in an empty room with jude law, i'm convinced that if he's set you in his sights, the seduction would be quite predatorial. it makes me wonder...if in another world, wong kar wai (who claims he doesn't go by a script) had said to jude, hey jude...let's improvise on this one. let's try it where you think about how you, jude law, would carry out the unfolding of a seduction of this heartbroken girl, in this empty dinner in the middle of the night...
i just feel that if wong kar wai had let him do that, we would have gotten a much more interesting film, but one where we're not sure how comfortable we feel about the things we saw jude law do to a sleeping norah jones.
i really liked the character, but i'm just really not into jude law.
it was a sweet movie. because blueberries are sweet, so we knew from the title that the director wanted everyone to know that everything would always be okay. hey, natalie portman's dad died and she's not even crying, so everything is hella okay. and it's nice that everywhere that norah jones went by bus, she always found idyllic pitstops without meeting any super crazy muthafuckers. just maybe a handful of people who are higher on the passion spectrum. great stories and characters. but in the end, just like we knew she would, when she's a different person and ready, she comes back to the guy who fell in love with her the moment he saw her.
[sidebar: dude. menfolk. it's obviously the subject of the week. even the girls are discussing it. in fact, i even had a dream last night where i went to this monastary that was like an all girls school meets day spa, and us women spent all day in the courtyard wearing robes, drinking cucumber ice tea and talking about it. so you guys better start having the courage to look in a mirror and get real with what you see, because those of you keeping up the bullshit, you're going to be hearing the truth from one of us.]
back to.
my movie thoughts. i'm really glad the director chose to paint a masterpiece about soul reunification, but i wish he took bigger risks with his main characters. they have to fully separate in order to be brought back together on a higher level. they have to have dropped those keys into an ocean, and then somehow, out of sheer will and miracle, find them again. trust me. i've been dropping keys in the ocean for years. but that's when the miracle really happens. when you're walking along a beach in the most random place, and you find that set of keys that you'd forgotten all about. i think maybe wong kar wai didn't have the guts, but you have to admire how loving and protective he was to the characters he identified with.
i'm really glad i watched this movie tonight. it was the exact right time. i really love and appreciate my group.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/8311156/Wizards-sign-Arenas-to-six-years,-$111-million
even their team president says it. it's not important to debate his supposed choking or questioning if he can lead a team past the early play-offs. the $111 million isn't just for his basketball skills. it's about his charisma, his star power. they need arenas there to keep them on the map. you really can't survive as a brand if people can't identify you.
I was searching through the Kindle titles, and I found this book:
On Being a Shit: Unkind Deeds and Cover-Ups in Everyday Life
I like that.
I'm going to write a book called:
"You're the Reason We Can't Have Nice Things!" and Other Ways These Bitches Lie.
have you noticed graduates of different colleges have different vibes?
god, stanford grads are so hot. it's like they're the people who are good at everything but aren't obnoxious about it, making it kind of obnoxious. berkeley grads are walking computers. michigan kids are so unoffending and naive but your friend when in need, usc people are jedi trainees. ucla's a little spoiled and tricky, like the baby sister who gets everything she wants because she knows she's fucking adorable. then there's harvard. no one ever knows how to act around a harvard grad--do you ignore the fact that they're better human beings than you? or do you joke in a way like, "what? you think you're better than me?" when really, you're ashamed that you think they're better than you. or do you just acknowledge they might be better than you but say fuck it, then try to move on outside of that fact. no one's ever that comfortable about measuring dicks with a harvard grad. and then all the kids from florida...we get it. you guys totally had more fun than the rest of us. utexas grads are definitely interesting--they're snipers when it comes to artistic sarcasm and will secretly win you over with their diligence. i've noticed more than a few arizona grads slip into moments of zombie sheen. and never let a unlv student think you don't take them seriously because...c'mon, you live in vegas...they take themselves very seriously. there are a lot of people at san jose state who are foreign. but it's san jose and that place is a little foreign anyway.
i don't know if i have a favorite school vibe. i think michigan made me hard in some ways, but left me a little soft in the ways that matter when living in an big city. but when i imagine school environments and the powerful energies that mix in them, my favorite is thinking about my mom as a grad student at texas tech, this flirty and brilliant taiwanese girl landing in the middle of lubbock, texas, and trying to teach undergraduates with her very wobbly grasp of english. in the 70's.
i wish i could go back in time and film a reality show.
i've had my energy grounded for a couple of days now and the resulting effect has been magnetizing.
it's actually incredibly pleasant to give into. and anyone who comes too close, i'm careful about being gentle and always maintaining the best intentions.
i'm also able to understand how magic is unique to an individual, and then on another level, it's unique to their ethnic and cultural background. individually people have specific magic but the group or the different groups to which they belong can really influence the strength of the focus of this magic.
i've been reviewing my book that intersects symbology, psychology, mythology and artist's path, i can see how things lay out and how to direct the logical points of your life story. however, at each step, the room you have to wiggle really depends on the people around you, and what roles they serve your story in the context of their own free will, needs and desires.
i can't tell if people want to know or not though about the things i see and how to see them. i feel like when i used to be naively open and talked to people as truthfully as possible, people did unfair things, or people ganged up on me. so i've really gotten by by not getting too involved with people and having superficial but easy conversations. maybe that's the leap i'm about to take now. if people don't want me to tell the truth, then i won't. but if they do want to know, they have to accept the consequences of seeing a reflection of reality and not take it out on me. the happier people are the ones who find out that the their reflection and their perception are basically the same. but those who get surprises should remember that this is actually a time to figure out what they want and adjust their life so that it fits the projections you have of it.
i have been very interested in chiron lately, as i know very little about it except that it's a healing planet and they believe it's a second ruler of virgo, but last week in my postings about sex, i started wondering if chiron didn't have something to do with scorpio's ability to use concentrated power for transcendental healing. maybe chiron is actually an expression of sagittarius building upon their recent memories of scorpio knowledge and adding to it sag's magical ability to aim an arrow at a star and hit it. i just can't accept that chiron rules virgo. she's a servant.
but then today i learned about the god chiron, how he was a centaur and was the mentor/drill sargeant/guardian of many heroes. even though centaurs can often be savage creatures because of their animal half, chiron was more evolved and peaceful, combining his primal, intuitive urges with the calm powers of wisdom. he's gentle out of discipline and choice and dedicated to sharing wisdom. but then hercules, who's an unevolved crazy muthafucker, got frustrated as his student and wounded the guy enough that he begged the god's to kill him. and they made him a constellation that rules sagittarius.
but sag is mostly documented as being ruled by jupiter. i think those planets share them rather than appear simultaneously in them. i think jupiter is like a siren who tempts so many impressionable sags away to an easy, happy but superficial life, but the more serious ones who refuse the tempting calls of jupiter to follow wise and mystical chiron, those are the ones who come back from the woods with shamanistic capacities. they are the counterpart to the descendents of athena/isis.
just bought a kindle. hella psyched.
mom called to tell me her heart was moved by kite runner. was that one of the books i recommended to you in the bookstore in taiwan? yes, she says. don't tell me anything about it, i say. i just ordered it today and i'm going to read it.
i don't know what made me so sure she would be moved by it. when i was in the bookstore, there was just something about the rightness of the book. like seeing a stranger across a room and instantly knowing that you are going to be connected for a reason.
i also ordered the glass castle and i was told there would be cake. i'm going to order one or two more to balance these experiences out, and then i'm going to wait until i get to europe to open these.
holy shit.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/couplesandmarriage/articlecosmo.aspx?cp-documentid=8361783>1=32001
this was on of the articles for today's msn homepage. just opened it.
david and i basically had a two hour conversation earlier today discussing exactly what this article talks about, down to the points.
it started with a story about a friend of mine who dated a 38 year-old guy working in the industry for 2 years. near the end, she wanted to know where this relationship was going, ie marriage. he was always very noncommittal, citing various reasons, blaming bad experiences in the past, etc., but never really seeming sure that he was in this for the long haul and determined to make this work. after a few months of these discussions, my friend said she had a real soul-searching moment when she asked herself if her boyfriend were to turn around and ask her to marry him after all these discussions that left her feeling frustrated, would she want to marry him? as she put it, she realized, "what little girl grows up dreaming of the day when she gets to badger a man into marrying her?" well put, i thought. very well put.
so she realized, it was over. there was no way she wanted to be with this man, because she wanted a man who knew without a doubt, within every part of his being, that he WANTED to try to make a relationship work. it's not about doubts of if a relationship will ultimately work because nothing in life is guaranteed, but it's about not having doubts about whether or not each person is willing to work together and make the strongest, most committed effort possible.
david thought my friend didn't give her boyfriend enough time to think about it, and my point was that it didn't matter because they'd been together for 2 years, he obviously wasn't ready or had other priorities (career) that were in front of her and could potentially always be in front of her, and at the end of the day, there are men out there who know without a doubt that they're ready to give 100% to a girl who's worthy (like the guy she's with now who realized within the first week that she was someone he could see himelf with for the long haul), so why settle for a man who you have to badger to marry you, versus the man who knows without a doubt that he wants to marry you? for a girl with healthy self-esteem, it's a no brainer.
so this led to a debate and i was trying to explain why men do and don't commit. my theory was that men who get to the place where they're ready to have a real relationship and have gotten their career/life in order will usually settle with the next girl who walks into his life who's a suitable partner. it's a lot about the girl but it's also about timing. there are so many stories of girls who wait for a guy and wait for a guy who's not sure about commitment. unless the guy is young and is still figuring himself out or still has specific career objectives he needs to finish first before he can prioritize the relationship, a lot of times when guys drag their feet, it's not that they aren't sure about commitment...they're unsure about committing with YOU. i see a lot of examples of guys in their 30's who have gotten their careers work out and are in good places in their lives, and when they suddenly meet the right girl, they make declarations pretty early of their desire to settle down, and they're persistent and tenacious. it's actually enough examples for me to not know which is the exception and which is the rule between mature men who are sure of what they want, and those who need extended time to figure it out once they're in a relationship. perhaps the best poll would be one if you asked elderly couples who have been together for decades and have had a strong, relationship that continually grew and evolved, if the man knew early on that this was a woman he wanted to partner with.
i really think for a man WANT to commit (because there are a lot of poor souls out there who commit even though they don't want to or because they feel they have to, and that always blows my mind), he has to hit the perfect storm of meeting the right girl at the exact time in which he's tired of a certain way of life, wanting something deeper, challenging and with more opportunities for him to grow, and in a place where he's fulfilled other priorities and he is able to make room in his life for another person and make a partnership a top priority. it's about the right person, but more so, it's about the right person at the right time. and like the hunters that men are, once they find that person and know they want them, there's really no stopping them. any other girl who gets caught with this man when he's not ready, even if she's a great girl and someone who he would do well with, is kind of shit out of luck. maybe a guy will turn around once his other priorities are settled and he figures out what he wants, but often, if you're the girl who supported a guy while he went through his struggles, he's more likely to leave you and marry the next girl who sees him only when he's achieved his goals and is this "better" version of himself in his mind, not the girl who saw him as an incomplete man struggling with his doubts and fears as he attempted to reach his goals. yeah, it's fucked up. but us good girls have all been there...the training girlfriend who makes a guy a perfect partner...for someone else. i think if a guy has his life basically in order but he doesn't want to commit, he's not unsure of commitment in general per se, he's unsure about committing with YOU. for whatever reason, he's not sure you're the one, and whether it's chemistry or timing or some combination of both, you really want the guy who's in the right place and knows himself well enough to really be sure. because a guy who is sure and determined is going to be the guy who will be willing to look at a partnership realistically, will be willing to work through the hard parts, and will be happy to see the relationship evolve to a real place with real emotions and real people.
so we had this long discussion and i threw in examples from my experiences and observerations of married couples and he was pretty stubborn. he thinks sometimes girls don't give a guy enough time to figure it out. again, yes, if the guy is gunning for a specific goal (ie trying to finish med school) or is young and wants to know who he is first before he makes a serious promise, but otherwise, he's just not into the girl enough and so already, the relationship is doomed. so i asked him. "i know you've played around and you've also been in long term relationships that worked well. but why aren't you with one of thoe girls now?"
he said, "i wasn't sure if i wanted to commit."
then i asked him, "was it you you were unsure of, or was it the girls?"
he started laughing. "okay, i get it. if a guy is sure that he wants to be with a specific girl, he's going to do everything he possibly can to make it work."
i was really happy. "exactly! and if he's dragging his feet, chances are, he suspects you're not the one for him, no matter how great you are, so it's better to find someone who wants you and is therefore willing and ready to go through the difficult challenges of partnership to really make it work."
and then i saw this article's on the homepage and sent it to him and we were both cracking up.
today was definitely a cool day.
it's been 3 days in a row of really challenging and illuminating days.
i want to thank all the people in my life for being unique and amazing.
one night in tahoe, my dad said to me, "there are many people who will fall for you, but you have to be careful who you let catch you."
later my mom whispered to me, your dad doesn't want you to go to europe. you're his only daughter and he wants to keep you close.
but it hit me, stirred the part of me that is looking for any excuse to stay in the wind, to justify why continually staying in motion will keep me safe.
i thought about it that night, about suspicion, about how you try to make the right choice when the right choice could mean that whoever you put your feet on the ground next to, could suddenly one night put you in a cage just when you think that everything is safe.
i thought about how it's impossible to know for sure who someone is, and it's impossible to allow for the potential that with any given person, i might be settling, signing my life away, trading in potential for what is, perhaps tricked in a moment of vulnerability by a rose-colored illusion.
but yet, i don't believe any of that shit.
i cut david a little bit each day, just to see if he'll bleed because i have trouble believing he's real or that he's human.
today i hit an organ, but rather than fight me, he stepped back and calmly said, "i want to set you free. i want you to be happy. i want to show you how a real relationship can make you happy, what real love from a man means. i know you've been let down by a lot of people in your life but i'm not going to let you down...i'm going to do everything i possibly can to show you that you can trust me, to show you how lucky we are to have found each other. and one day, i believe you're going to see that everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be."
part of me knows everything that's being said, but another part can't stop the rumblings of that familiar anger, that shadowed demon inside me that seethes when it doesn't get what it wants, its proof of what it claims to know without question.
because people change and life is never constant, so how can one human being with no way of controlling the world possibly make promises when being human means you can't guarantee anything?
everything in me rejects him, screams to have him as far away from me as possible. i wanted to slam down the phone to hurt him, hurt him so irreparably that he would let go, his fingers caught in the door jamb of my retreat back into my world of echoes.
but then, in the heavy silence as night raged in my head, i heard a cool, low whisper.
are you done punishing him yet for wanting to be in your life?
and in the flood, when i opened my eyes, i realized where i was.
thursday stream
i'd had a strange day today so outside of going to the gym first thing in the morning, i didn't really get out of the house until the sun was setting. i decided since i didn't feel like doing work, i would take a walk to my starbuck's since i haven't been there at night in ages.
for some reason, i wanted to look nice so it took me a few more minutes to get out of the house. i took my social experiment kit -- dl/cc wrapped in a $20 bill, ipod, notebook and pen...and put my keys in the car taking just my car key. as i was leaving, i realized i hadn't brought my cellphone. i thought about it. i was scared that if something happened -- i'm being followed by someone or whatever -- i would be screwed if i didn't have my phone. then i thought, what are the statistical chances that the one time i take a walk and don't bring my cellphone, is the day something terrible happens? so i go.
the walk is good. the sun is just setting and there's a nice soothing breeze blowing.
i catch a girl waiting for the bus, lost in her own world and smiling to herself, but when she happens to look up and catch my eye, she immediately hides it with a frown, like she didn't want me to see whatever thought was making her so happy.
the reason people don't like to walk in la i think also has to do with the way people drive. it's a city made for machines out here, and people are pretty reckless. it's like they don't expect pedestrians. i'm very careful when i cross the streets.
as i'm walking, i am thinking about vision. i think if you are in a stage where you're needy for attention, you'll look for it in the face of everyone you meet. and since not everyone is meant to connect with you, you're really forcing things and putting yourself on tilt. i think when you relax your ego enough to know that not everyone is going to notice you, but the ones who do might be interesting, you start to look for or see only the people who seem familiar, the people who seem to suddenly click into your wavelength. it's a really nice way to go about it. it's like not forcing the universe but letting the universe bring things to you, like objects floating down a river.
so i'm sitting at my table, the table that used to be my other home, my place of constancy.
i remember i used to come here, until i realized that a person should be aware that after being encountered in the same place twice, they shouldn't return until they can return as a different person who's had the space to look on the rhythms of people and a place with objectivity.
when i used to come here, i would look at everyone and track their progression, who had changed and who stayed the same. and even though i see them in different people, i recognize them collectively by their energy. but then i found that i was becoming stagnant energy, and i left for a while to find my current.
i think after a person experiences a major life shift, they should return to a place in which they are familiar and observe it for new perspective.
return to where you come from with your new perspective.
hmmm.
kind of like that stage common in legends, religion and mythology, the hero journey as representing the common human cycles and themes, how a person who has reached deeper insight has to come back and experience their old, original world through those new eyes. it makes them or breaks them, since you are forced to ask, which was the dream if anything, and which was reality. do you have the courage and strength to put the two worlds together, to integrate them, to take back the treasure or knowledge you found in another world, and try to incorporate it into the linear reality from where you came? does having both worlds overlap negate one or the other?
i was willing to take the risk to see. it felt kind of like a reunion of sorts, where new light is cast on things you didn't understand before, but because you're in a different place now, the world wants to be more honest with you.
so i sat there, feeling positive that i was going to meet someone, but not knowing who it was. i was careful not to make eye contact with anyone (didn't want to project anything) and i kept my head down, writing stream-of-consciousness, every observation, every thought, every feeling.
there was a little elf-like guy who looked like an antique-model matt mccoy (hand that rocks the cradle) who was hitting on this kid in a phillies t-shirt. antique-model matt saw the kid had a booklet from santa monica college, and was telling him how he used to be on the board there and he was a huge supporter for the school. at first the conversation was purely casual, but then the guy kept talking to him and touching him. i think the kid was getting nervous because he was stuffing food in his face like a chipmunk. i thought a-m matt heard his number called because he went inside, but minutes later, he came back out and gave the kid his phone # on a napkin. call me if you ever have questions or need help in school, he said, and he shook the kid's hand vigorously. the kid thanked him politely and packed up his stuff and left, while a-m matt stayed at the restaurant for a good two more hours.
there are more gay men in los angeles than people want to admit or realize. i'm good at picking out gay men. gay men are my thing. i think they like me because they think i'm a man in a woman's body. anyway, for example, my gym is a big time cruising gym. i know this. i don't know how i know this, i just know this, and i've found evidence to back up my inklings. i always ask the basketball boys if they see men picking up men in the sauna or locker room and they always say no, so for a little while, i thought perhaps i was making stuff up. but i swear 60% of the men i see on the floor are gay, conscious or not. then when david was here, i took him to the gym. later as we were leaving, i was asking him how his workout was, and he starts telling me, but then suddenly bursts out, "what the hell is up with this place? this guy followed me around the weight area for a good hour staring at me, and there was this naked guy blowdrying his pubes when we got here, and he was still doing the same thing when i went back in to get my stuff."
"was he still naked?" i asked.
"YES! He must have been doing that for over an hour!" he said, and even though i was laughing inside, i noted he was pretty seriously alarmed.
it's just the night people, i told him. they can be weird.
but i'm sure. this is a cruising gym. and people who don't notice either don't want to admit it, or are going out of their way to be oblivious of it.
there was a guy in his 50's reading a vintage paperback and i'm pretty sure he's english. he just has a look to him, and he's not using his straw--he's taking the cover off his soda and sipping it like tea. i figured that book had to be some lit classic like something by dickens. or a science fiction novel. he looked like the type. when his number was called and he went inside to get his food, i bolted up, made like i was going to the trash can behind his table to throw away a napkin, and checked out the cover of his book. here's what he was reading. ha! i was right.
this really cute little black girl at the next table keeps staring at me. she's with her father who's reading some kind of ledger. work-related. she's battling this fly, cringing from it and slapping it away from her. she accidentally drops her fork. without looking up, her father take his plastic fork and puts it on her plate.
i see an asian guy staring at me while his girlfriend is oblivious. he keeps looking over, not hiding it, not backing down. i don't want to generalize but a lot of asian guys are about posession. very specific male-female dynamics and a very saturnine idea of their gender role. i think that's why most asian guys stay away from me, and i don't get involved in them. there's a conflict of egos and perspective.
i'm freewriting everything i see and feel, and thinking if you put yourself in the right place and right time and let the universe act as a river, the universe brings people together in a way in which we are the fleeting moments that make up time, and what we think is time is actually the real, active constant. as much as we would like to believe, we are not the constant.
and as i think, i'm about to run into someone who i need to talk to, i look up, and there's eytan walking up.
eytan--let's go back.
we met in a bar. i don't know--6, 7, 8 years ago. neither of us can remember. but i remember that night because it was a miserable night. i hadn't been in la for very long, and the only people i really knew were friends of friends who i didn't really have anything in common with but i hung out with out of lack of alternative. i'd been invited to this girl's birthday party at the bar, but being unenthused, i showed up an hour late. i tried calling her to find out where they were in the bar, and the call went to voicemail. as i'm convinced that i've come too late and had missed the party, i see two beefy security guards hauling the birthday girl out. i was to find out later that she and her boyfriend had one of their reknowned volatile fights and she'd thrown a glass at him, shattering it on the dance floor. so they were walked out and i figured, crap, i'm at this freakin' bar and don't know anyone.
i figure i would get a drink and see who else showed up, and that's when i met eytan. hit it off immediately, though i was a little wary of how smooth he was to talk to.
a week later we went to a comedy show (my suggestion) and closed down the starbuck's afterwards, talking. he told me that he made money squatting on domains and then creating porn sites. i couldn't tell if he was kidding but either way, this guy was too smooth for my liking, though we did have great chemistry. so we parted with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. he invited me to a party at his house, and i couldn't get anyone to go except these three guys i worked with. so i show up at his party with three guys. he was a big flirt, flirting with everyone at the party so i figured, okay, then i wasn't being a douche for bringing three guys to this guy's party. a few weeks later, he showed up at my birthday party with two girls. according to one of my friends, he snuck off and was making out with both of them. yeah, i was a little irritated, because i wondered if he was getting back at me. we would half-heartedly email about meeting for coffee, but nothing ever turned out. i didn't trust this guy and he seemed like the kind of guy you hang out with despite not trusting so it wasn't a very high priority for me to find time to meet up.
then throughout the years, we would keep running into each other. at the post office. at the gym, twice. while dropping off screener tapes at a film festival (we were both in the lineup and in the same program), while sitting in traffic...it was the most random but constant thing.
when i saw him at the gym, he was with an older asian lady i assumed to be his girlfriend. i really didn't care.
at the film festival, he told me to find him before the screening and when i showed up, he was doing his producer thing and surrounded by girls, and i was with my actor and my boyfriend. i think he didn't know i was dating someone, because there was tension between my boyfriend and the situation - my boyfriend felt eytan was vibing me, and i didn't seperate from my group to talk alone so it was really like, what are we supposed to really do here.
when i saw him in traffic a year later, we laughed like, of course it's you. he said he's never run into one person as many times and as randomly as he does with me. it's what we do, running into each other. we did a quick 30 second catchup and parted saying we would run into each other again.
i invited him to my birthday party and he responded saying he couldn't wait to run into me randomly at my party. i knew he wouldn't show though and indeed, he wrote me an apology email to say he hadn't been feeling well.
and then when we saw each other today, it was like...again, of course. "of course it's you," he said. "there's something about you and me that this keeps happening." we hug and i'm laughing. i tell him i was just writing about how i had come here because i was going to run into someone, and just before i looked up, i had an image of him in his car the last time i saw him, and when i looked up, he was there. he didn't believe me, and i told him, i'll tell you some crazy stories.
i told him about my life since i quit my job in february, about going to germany, to amsterdam. about following life and how people are brought together for a reason. he tells me he was raised orthodox jewish and he always had this doctrine in front of him, telling him how the world was and how to be, and that he didn't believe in fate. i told him it's not fate, sometimes it's just life. it's like how science has shown that intention can affect particles, that maybe the decisions we make are the ones we were supposed to make, just because those were the precise decisions we made. time's not linear, eytan. we talk and i learn that he resists faith, he resists ideas. a part of me is surprised because i dont' know why we're on this topic and how it started, but he tells me that he believes something is up, and if i write down a date right now of when we're going to run into each other again, and i show him that date and it's right, then he'll believe.
so you need hard evidence to please your logical side, i ask him.
he thinks about it. i guess so. i need stone cold proof before i can let go and say okay, i believe.
you're asking for a miracle, i say. but the problem is, if you need a miracle to believe, the problem is even if a miracle occurs, you won't have the faith to realize what just happened.
i'll have faith when i see it, he says.
okay, i say. obviously the universe keeps bringing us together for a reason. maybe i'm still not ready yet, so i just need to expand my vocabulary of analogies and ideas so the next time we meet, i can bring you more signs. all of this evidence is circumstantial, but i'm going to show you a pattern when all these things are put together. i may not be able to give you a precise piece of evidence of magic, but i'm going to build you a mountain of evidence that adds up. and if you're willing to see it, you'll see it.
he asks me if i think he's the person that i came here for, waiting to run into.
it looks like it, i say. i had a strong feeling i would run into someone if i came here, but i had no idea who until you showed up.
he asks me what happened after berlin with the guy in amsterdam. i might be moving out there for a couple of months to write, i say.
so you guys are still connected, he asks.
yes, i say. i neglect to say that today, i finally sucked it up and booked my ticket to amsterdam.
he mentions that since february, he's settled down more. he tells me that he's moved out of a house that he began deeming the groundhog's day house, because every party was the same party.
so you've reached the 'been there done that' phase, i say.
yeah, it took me long enough.
i'm looking at him and wondering where he's coming from, if he's trying to tell me that he's changed. i kind of have a feeling he doesn't know where he's going with this, with any of this but then again, neither do i. we've been dancing around each other so long that it's defined the relationship, and outside of that it's still not good timing despite for whatever reason, having been brought together again.
he refers back to something i had said, how some people will keep dating the wrong people for them, but it's the same kind of wrong. and despite advice from their friends and family, they'll keep doing it until they hit rock bottom a point where they realize they can't do this anymore, they refuse to do this anymore, so they sit out and examine why these partners, and what they really want out of life and a relationship. he says that it's funny that i say that because he's realized that he's always dating the wrong girls...but it's the same kind of wrong girl.
i think people instinctively know when a person's not available, i say. the question is, why does a person chase what's unavailable or not good for them. maybe they don't want to have to be confronted with something real.
i do like chasing what's unavailable, he says. there's something exciting about it.
maybe you have to find a girl who's available, but hard to get at, i say.
he repeats what i say like it's a riddle, then says he has to go because he's late meeting up with some friends.
until next time, i say.
julia, it's always so good to run into you, he says.
as he walks away, i write down the date of a next time in my notebook.
my friend b recommended wong kar wai's new film, my blueberry nights, a few months ago and it sounded like something i would really be interested in seeing. but then i watched the trailer ...gorgeous visually but masterfully featuring "the greatest" by cat power, one of the most beautiful songs ever written (the kind of song i never want to end), and that was enough to make me already like the movie. it sounded like the kind of movie i would want to watch alone on a good screen since wong kar wai is so lyrical and vibrant with his use of colors, but it was only playing in the crappy theaters by then, so i've been waiting for the dvd which is finally out. so last night i had wanted to put it on my netflix queue so i could have it this weekend, but i forgot, dicking around on the warriors message board getting irritated instead. i did download "the greatest" and was listening to it right before i fell asleep, and the crazy thing was, when my radio alarm woke me up this morning, it was "the greatest" playing on kcrw. that really made me happy.
i think i need to watch this movie. i just moved the movie to the top of my queue and i hope they get the movies i sent back in time to send it to me for the weekend. otherwise, i'll just suck it up, pay my outstanding hollywood video late fee and go rent it. i'm pretty excited. synchronicity always makes me happy.
le petit mort - what the french use to describe orgasm.
scorpio is the symbol that rules not just death which is the common misconception, but the spiritual idea of death and regeneration, death as the gateway to new life, like the phoenix. scorpio, incidentally, is also the sign most associated with sex.
"the little death." not so much little, but a death that doesn't wipe out conscious attachment to reality in totality. it's a death and regeneration in a split second where you leave the world and re-enter seemingly seamlessly, but having gone somewhere so far away and found your way back. it's a conscious way of simulating reincarnation.
if two people completely submit themselves and experience an absolute and total orgasm simultaneously, there is a moment of transcendence where two individual perspectives suddenly meld into one experience occupying the exact same space in the exact same moment with no separation. it's a momentary achievement in which souls are released from their human bodies and return to the singular entity to which our higher selves belong and from which our ego perceptions have separated us. it's a moment where the separate you's die, are released from your separate bodies to blend together in order to experience the oneness of God, and return having understood something beyond the linear representation of this world. once you've experienced it, you really can't go back to a reality before you experienced it. it's now a part of you.
i think maybe that's the issue with scorpios. in a way, they're born inherently possessing this knowledge of the transcendental powers of sexual union, and an innate instinct for how to get there. however, their suspicion, lack of faith and lack of trust in others cause them to spend their lives watching people and testing people to decide if they're willing to let go with someone in order to share their birthright. while there are scorpios who come to terms with their powers of transcendence and learn how to use their immense power for good, i think some stunted scorpios can spend their entire lives watching and weighing, but in the end when they make their final tally, they decide they couldn't really trust anyone. in a way, i can understand it but it doesn't make it any less of a shame.
but the truth is, and i'm going to lay it down honestly with you, you don't need a scorpio to lead you there. you just need someone with scorpio knowledge and to mutually have a willingness to trust each other and the experience of delving into the unknown completely.
so this guy wants me to define "great" sex
i was talking with a friend today and he asked me, completely earnestly, "what exactly makes sex great sex?"
well, i'm not naming names here, but i kind of feel like if you ask questions like that, you probably haven't had it yet. maybe you've had good sex, satisfying sex, intriguing sex, crazy sex, debauched sex, but maybe not great sex, the holy grail of sex, the kind that people try to describe but usually only manage exclamations and a vague repetition of, "you know what i mean?"
before you all protest that i'm generalizing or talking out of my ass, from a girl's perspective, we all know that girl who claims she's had an orgasm but goes into all kinds of defensive or unsure details about what it felt like and seemed like and looked like and smelled like until you reach a point where you're positive she's never had one. it's the basic rule of simplicity -- if you've had it, you'll know, no doubts about it. trust me. you're not my uber-dorky college friend matt who told me he'd "kinda had sex" this one time at drama camp. you either did or you didn't.
put simply - sex turns boys into men, girls into women. it's documented.
i look at all my cousins younger than me, and i can tell if they've never had it...and later, when they have. there's a change in them. it's like seeing a person and realizing he's molted since the last time you saw him.
then the next step - great sex. the achievement of the ultimate in intimacy. the ultimate in surrender and attainment.
it turns men into MEN, and women into something that sits just below goddess stature.
you think angelina jolie, the closest thing we've got to a celebrated goddess on earth, is finally having great sex? you bet she is. there was a time when she wasn't, and then a time when she was.
i think great sex is not something that can be summed up in a list of techniques or positions or tips, though cosmo has educated millions of girls in the art of sexual dexterity, knowledgeability and versatility to the appreciation of past and present lovers. in fact, i trace the widespread female understanding of the male g-spot back to cosmo and its tireless editorial staff. who knew the secret was in the taint!! hard hitting journalism, gals. one-half of the world's population thanks you.
i think that technical knowledge comes in handy, but if your head is present and in the middle of it, you're not really connected with the other person because you're still rattling around in your own perspective like a self-conscious actor. and that intangible connection is the root of what makes good sex great, what personal preference builds on but does not create the foundation of. i think if your brain is still present and capable of functioning, and hasn't been blown out the back of your skull into oblivion, then maybe you should try your luck with a different partner.
there. i said it.
but studies have shown that a passionate, satisfying, healthy sex life is an important core factor of strong, longlasting partnerships, which makes great sex of utmost importance when it comes to picking a partner.
so happy f---rolicking. and if you know what i'm talking about, then seriously, high five...
long weekend movie reviews:
we are marshall - loved it. love sports movie, love inspirational movies, love good writing, love how crazy-ass coach gets it done. best work matthew fox has done, outside of that one episode of snl he hosted last season.
be kind rewind - eh. i only really wanted to like it because mos def is so likable. but having gone through film school and seen my share of really, really, really badly made homages to the greats, it was hard to suspend my disbelief that even well-intentioned crap would really be so captivating to the average movie renter. but again, the mos def factor so i'm reluctant to say anything bad.
definitely, maybe - at the risk of sounding like a total chick here, ryan reynolds.........damn. it was like a feature version of how i met your mother without the hijinx, but i give it props for being better and a thimble deeper than i expected, though little miss sunshine abigail breslin will always seem like an alien child to me. michael was very patient with me commenting in awe over how cute ryan reynolds was every few minutes. i was surprised he had that effect on me without jumping in a lake and coming out with water dripping down his sweet, ripped torso (see: the amityville horror. i think i cried from pleasure overload during that scene). actually, now that i'm remembering that scene from amityville, i can't remember a single other thing about this movie.
walk hard: the dewey cox story - i can't remember who insisted that i see this and said that it's surprisingly funny. i worried it would be 90 minutes of "cox" jokes, but it did get a few laughs out of me. you definitely feel like the movie was written for will ferrell and they settled for john c. reilly who did a great job. the film laughs at itself, laughs at the evolution of music, laughs at the everchanging drug scene. it has great cameos in it, particularly one scene where dewey drops acid with the beatles played by paul rudd (john), jack black (paul), jason schwartzmann (ringo) and justin long (george). justin long is consistently adorable. have you seen him as a jilted robin?
in bruges - i saw that roeper and whoever, the guys who replaced siskell & ebert, named this movie as one of the best movies of the year thus far. it stars colin farrell and brendan gleeson as hit men hiding out in belgium until their boss gives them the all clear. the dvd case said this was a comedy, but it's a comedy in the sense that pulp fiction is a comedy as it's pretty graphic at times with its violence. there are plenty of midget jokes for those who think a comedy isn't a comedy unless there are midgets or someone loses an eye. oh, someone loses an eye as well. the best scene is the shoot out between ralph fiennes as the angry boss and colin farrell, where they negotiate the terms of the shoot out so they don't get a pregnant innkeeper caught in the crossfire. this is a great little british indie that debuted at sundance, written and directed by the guy who won an oscar a few years ago for the short film, six shooter (which incidentally, is on a dvd compilation of oscar-nominated shorts that i watched half of on the trip, but haven't gotten to that particular film yet). how my dad managed to rent it, i don't know, but as much as he hated it, i enjoyed it. colin farrell redeems himself as a compelling actor; i haven't felt so compelled by him since minority report, before he publically came out as a man whore.
beowulf - another one that my dad rented that i watched because it was there. i had to read this book for like 6 different classes as an english major, and if you ask me now, i can't tell you what it's about except a dragon who was pissed about all the noise people were making, and his vengeful mother. and this guy who had balls the size of war vessels. but i had just read a review of wanted that mentioned that angelina's amazing in this, so of course, i watched it for her. the animation is amazing but at some point, it got a little old as the story unfolds so painstakingly. and really, i wanted to indulge my chick-crush on angelina so i fast-forwarded to the part where she seduces our hero (who by the way, had all his old-man fat CGI'd off. i saw sexy beast. i know what ray winstone really looks like. you can't trick me with those beautiful, beautiful fake abs that even made my dad exclaim, "wow, look at those abs." by the way, there's a naked fight scene. i mean, seriously. he couldn't even be bothered to put on a codpiece). i watched the rest of the movie on fast forward because my dad had grumbled that he didn't like the movie and had fallen asleep, and i really just wanted to see angelina who apparently gave birth to a humongous dragon who's beowulf's child. hmmm. i don't remember that being in the book i studied in school, but i partook in quite a bit of contraband between then and now so i could very well be wrong. i don't know. the movie's visual eye candy, but i found it a little boring.
i've been running into a lot of random people from the past lately. the thing that's strange about these encounters is that these people seek me out and remember me, but i don't remember them.
i usually have a very precise memory, especially when it comes to people. i remember where i met them, what they were wearing, what was said in conversation, and even what i was thinking as bits of conversation were unfolding. i can remember the birthday of almost every person i've ever met if they've told me their birthday. all this information is stored in a web, so when i think about them or i see them, the entire web unfolds and i see all these facts and images so i can access anything i want in order to have a relationship-appropriate interaction. also, people like it when someone remembers details about them, so if you have a job in, say, sales, it really develops a personal relationship.
but lately, something is very, very wrong. these people are coming up to me and are so enthusiastic that it really surprises me the disparity of the strength of their memory of me against my complete lack of memory of them. it's like my database program has been deleted.
i'm also noticing that these encounters have happened in a cluster since my birthday which is also worth taking note. first it was a girl on my plane who said we'd hung out together at a going away party last year (i had no recollection of her). turned out we had the same flight to and from san jose, so she sat with me and told me all about her life. granted, i pretended i remembered her even though i didn't, but i learned a lot about her on the flight. she gave me her number so we could hang out sometime, but i know me...i'll never call. i usually just allow the universe to bring me into experiences and people when the time's right. so if i see her again or she finds me again, then that was what was meant to be.
on the car ride up to tahoe, my brother had to go to the bathroom so we took an exit that's not one of the major stops, and found a single gas station in the middle of nowhere. i was standing by the soda machine, keeping an eye on my brother when a guy came up to me and asked me, "your name is julia, right?" i look over and it's this asian guy who doesn't look familiar so i don't confirm or deny...i just ask him, "why." he says that he's a friend of a friend of mine, and that he's hung out with me at my place in la as well as at my parents house. i must look really confused or suspicious because he fills in the details of my places, and meanwhile, i'm getting a growing feeling of unease, because i don't let very many people into my home, so if this guy has been to two of my homes, then i must know him. but i don't. so we talk and again, i find myself pretending that i know who he is (because from the sound of things, i do), but i can't shake the feeling that i'm going on pure faith that this guy really knows me. sometime in the middle of the conversation, he bursts out, "julia...what the hell are we doing here??? i mean, where are we? we're in the middle of nowhere. what are you doing here and what am i doing here?" "yeah, this is weird," i say with a chuckle, feeling his question as both a question of random locational coincidence as well as one of a deeper existential nature. at the end of the conversation, he mentions that he wants to talk to me further about some things. i think to him, this encounter seems too bizarre to be for no reason. but sometimes it's for reasons that don't necessarily involve both parties, so i just shrug and say sure, but i don't offer a way to contact me and he doesn't ask me for anything so we leave it at that. i figure, if we're meant to connect again, we'll connect.
the last thing happened today. getting off my flight today, i pass by an african american gentleman wearing a suit. i know he looks familiar but i don't make an effort to place him and walk past him. he stops me and says, you play basketball at the gym. i'm surprised. i've actually run into people i play basketball with at the gym, but it's like that phenomenon where people who know me in day to day life sometimes don't recognize me when my hair is up and i'm wearing glasses even when they're looking right at me--usually people from the gym don't tend to recognize me when my hair is down. he says that i know his son, and even though there's one kid in particular that i pay attention to and i wonder if that's his son, i'm blanking on both what the kid looks like and what his name is. this guy starts talking to me in a familiar way because obviously i know them, except in this moment, especially since that night i made a commitment to exercise my right brain and develop my left hand, my memory of him and most people is missing, along with my sense of time and dates. it's really like a certain part of my brain has become disabled (when i say disabled, i don't mean handicapped, i mean turned off...like a program). this guy is obviously more familiar with me than i am with him, and i can't find where i stored the files that tell me who he is.
i engage in friendly small talk and tell him to say hello to his son for me and that he's a good kid, even though i can't picture him in my mind at this moment but i know i would recognize his energy when i see him. he invites me to go swimming with him sometime, and i tell him that i've injured my shoulder even though i was just on the plane saying that i need to start swimming at the gym. again i figure, if we're meant to meet again, we will. i walk away, and even though i see him looking over at me periodically as i wait for my bag, i stay focused and block out any energetic invitation that would make me approachable. everything is everything until something becomes clear.
i really don't run into people that often. or perhaps i do, but usually, people don't recognize me or see me, and i don't really make an effort to reach out, thinking that if an interaction was meant to be, it would happen.
a part of me worries if there's something wrong with my brain lately, but i'm substance free (barely even drinking since my birthday is really the one night a year that i let loose and drink), and there are other parts of my mental capacities that have become stronger and more focused than ever, which makes me think that perhaps my brain power is being diverted elsewhere.
memories are things i cherish and i used to have this thing where i remembered everyone, down to people who worked at my high school whom i'd never spoken to, or waitresses at restaurants i'd only ever been to once. maybe i'm just letting go of people. maybe i'm just realizing that you can't take every single person you ever met with you towards wherever you're going, so you have to be selective, hanging on only to the strongest connections. and maybe since i don't willingly let go of people, my mind is doing it for me. maybe the ram that was used to store and organize people and the facts that make them up in my mind is being used for something else now, along with what was used to keep track of time and dates and organize information systems. over the last four years, i had organized my mind to mimic a CRM system that utilized microsoft outlook as a database. now i can barely use outlook or find anything in it.
i guess my question is then, given these new experiences that have been happening and the changes i can see and feel--what is my brain up to, and should i have faith or be alarmed?
i gave it some thought. for now, i'm going to have faith. i don't exactly know why certain things are happening or what they mean, but i have a feeling that i don't need to. as long as i stay focused, the truth that i'm seeking will become clear.
back home in la and everything is fine again. it's strange how attached to home i've become lately. i actually feel stronger physically when i'm inside my home and can see my temple; my mind is clearer.
i had an anxiety attack yesterday. strangest thing. it was like blowing a mental fuse where all this energy spewed out, and just as quickly as it was coming out, it was evaporating. it was like splitting up into one very freaked out, terrified, appendage-flailing person, and one caretaker who was trying to move things out of the way before the first person could damage them. i was simultaneously trying to stomp on and trying to pick up and save a box of kleenex. i was freaking out about people trying to tell me what to do with my life out of their own ulterior motives (not necessarily bad intentions but still, a projection of their will onto me) instead of what was good for me, while simultaneously and bewilderedly apologizing for my seeming complete lack of control over my emotions. it was the weirdest feeling of going in two different directions really really fast and very very recklessly, each extreme reaction unable to pull the other into one focused direction so it all balanced out into a frenzied neutrality. when it happened, my mom just stared at me. she opened her mouth to respond, but then she thought better of it and left me alone because she knew it had nothing to do with her. after a few minutes of quiet time by myself, whatever had gotten into my head released its hold and it was over. i remembered there's nothing you can do about life except take it one step at a time.
michael made a big difference. he wasn't around when it happened, but as aloof as he often is, for whatever reason, he stuck closely to me the rest of the night, and we had a lovely evening spending time just the two of us. there's this michael that comes out sometimes whom i've never been able to really explain to anyone because this part of him appears only when we're alone. the closest thing i can imagine it being likened to is the way sapient dolphins can suddenly appear in mysterious waters, leading lost ships to land. it's like his eyes are clearer, he seems wiser and bigger than you, and there's an energy that comes out of him that's the truth, so pure and unwavering that you know there are things in this world beyond what you see at face value, and those powers work in the name of all that is good. there are moments when he's like this that i'm convinced he's smarter than me, that he's perhaps smarter than all of us, and this is simultaneously the most wonderful and the most tragic thing because he's kind of trapped in a world of beings who have yet to evolve to a place where they can fully grasp the power and nature of truth.
so last night he reminded me. and i remembered that i have to be selective in what i see and believe, tuning out the voices and energies that distract me and pull me in the wrong or unnecessary directions.
i think i'm ready to ground my energy.
help.
i'm losing control of the volcano and the energy is turning dark.
i want to get out of the country but i have a feeling even that won't be far enough away.
yet a secret part of me is afraid i'm going to take myself so far away that i may actually let go forever.
i've stopped recognizing myself in the mirror.
all i see is someone who is so, so lost.
and i look at her and out of stubborn pride, i refuse to ask her why.
i almost had it today, i almost had my legs. i was almost ready to become the princess of disks and bury that spear deep into the earth so i could reclaim dominion. i could see everything and my path was solid, not a theoretical vision but a real thing that exists like a place or a person. but then something happened and i crumbled again, lost in amorphic feelings that seem to refuse to convert into fuel.
i've lost my handle. and i need to find some way to get it back soon, before this energy dissipates and leaves me stranded.
i could say, i need a 3rd point i can trust so i can triangulate my position, but how can another person help illuminate where i am if i've lost where i'm going again.
maybe this is a stage. i hope it's a stage. but a part of me feels that there's an urgency to this matter.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25501088
Great! This will bring great pride to our nation once again, pride we haven't had since WWII and the internment of Japanese Americans.
Thanks, fuckers! Can't wait.
do you ever wish you could reserve the right to a restart at any stage in life? like if you make the choices that lead you down a path that turns stranger than fiction, that you can hit a restart button and start over back in time in case you ever needed it?
i love the idea of going backwards in time to become Past You but taking your advanced knowledge with you. like traveling back in time but only packing your brain.
when i was a kid i was always obsessed with the fantasy of going backwards in time, but having the knowledge and wisdom i had in the future. mostly, i would make a killing on the stock market because i'd been so careful to remember which companies were strong, so in private fervor, i would memorize company information and symbols in case i ever woke up to find myself in the past. i think the obsession with memorizing statistics reached its apex when i started memorizing sports trivia in case i needed to supplement my restart 8 year-old income with sports betting as well. i even had a plan worked out, of how i would impress a close family relative with my seeming psychic knowledge of outcomes, so they would go in on placing bets for me. then if i invested the winnings well, by the time i was 20, i would be...a megamillionaire. i think the expansion and practice of this fantasy went on for years, but after a while, i looked around at my life, my head swimming with numbers, symbols and logos, and i realized i was packing for a trip to a place that...well...doesn't even exist.
so i gave up my little hobby.
but usually, if no one's watching, i restart video games if things aren't boding well. if no one is around to gloat, why lose if you don't have to. i'm not ashamed.
okay. what a day. i only had two hours of sleep so i felt like i sleepwalked through conversations and the motions today. definitely a day unique in feeling, though somewhat tinged by unexplainabe remorse as i seem convinced that i must have offended someone in my staggerings today. i would just be shocked if i hadn't.
so today's topic that's unavoidable. baron davis. baron.
so to backtrack--right before the draft, i had a strong feeling that baron wouldn't be back next season. by the end of the draft when i realized he wasn't being traded, it hit me...baron davis was leaving us. this made me pretty sad.
you have to understand something. that was the season that coincided with my sudden awakening. something crazy and eye-opening was happening, and it was affecting people around me. at the same time, i was suddenly aware of another level of people, this substance that exudes somewhere between soul and kindness. i've learned to call this quality good intention in its absolute purest most divine form, but it's something with a flavor of its own. i started to look for that quality, and people who had it would just look brighter than everyone else. and this is the thing. in normal every day life, strangers can interact without really seeing or acknowledging each other. but in connections with these people who seemed to stand out, the first moment of eye contact is a sudden but blatant recognition, something you're never really prepared for and which in hindsight, you can never quite explain. you just find yourself staring at each other without knowing exactly why.
anyway, fast forward a year through life, a break up, an awakening and a miraculous basketball season carried on the chariot wings of sheer magic and power of will, i saw things in people that gave me absolute belief in a higher power, and that that higher power resides strongly within individuals who let it in.
i think a lot of people in the bay area got their proof of magic last year, and without necessarily knowing how significant this experience was, it changed them. when i felt the knowledge last week that baron was moving on, it made me anxious and monitor the fan message boards intently, trying to find out what people knew and if they were prepared. it seemed most were optimistic that baron would stay at least one more season while others wanted him traded for a better piece, but as i read, i became more and more sure that baron was already gone. i think collectively on a subconscious level, we all knew. and i guess i've been a little sad about it, but at least i can be open now that it's announced. i take back the shit i was talking about him today. i was just not prepared for the energies of today. he's a good guy who's following his other pursuits and who always wanted to go back home, and he took the reins of his life instead of letting oakland sign and potentially trade him somewhere he didn't want to go. and as long as he stays focused and blocks out the bullshit, he'll always be a good guy...i give him the greatest respect as a human being.
the only thing that sucks is reading the boards now and seeing all those people who had just gained newfound faith feel so bereft. but the world wasn't created to be fair, and i hope at the end of the day, once they get their sports loyalty out of their system, the fans can have some perspective on this and see a guy who's just doing his thing and pursuing his happiness, and will use it as motivation to pursue their own.
i don't feel bad. hey, the plan was always to live in the same city anyway, right?
Whatever.
The thing that Warrior fans are upset about isn't that he's leaving, but all the BS he fed in soundbytes about wanting to end his career here and about where his heart is. It's like the wrong way to handle a break-up. If you need to do what's best for yourself, then do it. But don't keep saying I love you and I want to be with you forever shortly before you go sprinting out the door. Even if it is for multimillions of dollars. I think I'm just disappointed in him because I do like him as a person.
Personally, outside of the fact he has to stop that mouth of his, I'm both sad and glad that he's gone. I wish they had gotten something in return, but I really didn't think they should commit a 5 year guaranteed deal to him, especially since he's not young, he doesn't have the best track record in terms of injuries, and he tends to play really well in contract years. The other years are a crapshoot.
3am is my sun and i revolve around it.
if i were filthy rich, i would buy a massive house and customize a windowless room full of beige suede furniture and beige suede walls (there's nothing more aesthetically irritating than beige suede with its men's warehouse suit and lack of ambition). and this would be my fuck room. this room would be where i go, at my discretion, to quietly closing the door behind me and tear up the room screaming, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!" until i feel like i can get a hold of myself again and go out and make more money.
being filthy rich = the luxury of a "fuck" room
