i've been running into a lot of random people from the past lately. the thing that's strange about these encounters is that these people seek me out and remember me, but i don't remember them.

i usually have a very precise memory, especially when it comes to people. i remember where i met them, what they were wearing, what was said in conversation, and even what i was thinking as bits of conversation were unfolding. i can remember the birthday of almost every person i've ever met if they've told me their birthday. all this information is stored in a web, so when i think about them or i see them, the entire web unfolds and i see all these facts and images so i can access anything i want in order to have a relationship-appropriate interaction. also, people like it when someone remembers details about them, so if you have a job in, say, sales, it really develops a personal relationship.

but lately, something is very, very wrong. these people are coming up to me and are so enthusiastic that it really surprises me the disparity of the strength of their memory of me against my complete lack of memory of them. it's like my database program has been deleted.

i'm also noticing that these encounters have happened in a cluster since my birthday which is also worth taking note. first it was a girl on my plane who said we'd hung out together at a going away party last year (i had no recollection of her). turned out we had the same flight to and from san jose, so she sat with me and told me all about her life. granted, i pretended i remembered her even though i didn't, but i learned a lot about her on the flight. she gave me her number so we could hang out sometime, but i know me...i'll never call. i usually just allow the universe to bring me into experiences and people when the time's right. so if i see her again or she finds me again, then that was what was meant to be.

on the car ride up to tahoe, my brother had to go to the bathroom so we took an exit that's not one of the major stops, and found a single gas station in the middle of nowhere. i was standing by the soda machine, keeping an eye on my brother when a guy came up to me and asked me, "your name is julia, right?" i look over and it's this asian guy who doesn't look familiar so i don't confirm or deny...i just ask him, "why." he says that he's a friend of a friend of mine, and that he's hung out with me at my place in la as well as at my parents house. i must look really confused or suspicious because he fills in the details of my places, and meanwhile, i'm getting a growing feeling of unease, because i don't let very many people into my home, so if this guy has been to two of my homes, then i must know him. but i don't. so we talk and again, i find myself pretending that i know who he is (because from the sound of things, i do), but i can't shake the feeling that i'm going on pure faith that this guy really knows me. sometime in the middle of the conversation, he bursts out, "julia...what the hell are we doing here??? i mean, where are we? we're in the middle of nowhere. what are you doing here and what am i doing here?" "yeah, this is weird," i say with a chuckle, feeling his question as both a question of random locational coincidence as well as one of a deeper existential nature. at the end of the conversation, he mentions that he wants to talk to me further about some things. i think to him, this encounter seems too bizarre to be for no reason. but sometimes it's for reasons that don't necessarily involve both parties, so i just shrug and say sure, but i don't offer a way to contact me and he doesn't ask me for anything so we leave it at that. i figure, if we're meant to connect again, we'll connect.

the last thing happened today. getting off my flight today, i pass by an african american gentleman wearing a suit. i know he looks familiar but i don't make an effort to place him and walk past him. he stops me and says, you play basketball at the gym. i'm surprised. i've actually run into people i play basketball with at the gym, but it's like that phenomenon where people who know me in day to day life sometimes don't recognize me when my hair is up and i'm wearing glasses even when they're looking right at me--usually people from the gym don't tend to recognize me when my hair is down. he says that i know his son, and even though there's one kid in particular that i pay attention to and i wonder if that's his son, i'm blanking on both what the kid looks like and what his name is. this guy starts talking to me in a familiar way because obviously i know them, except in this moment, especially since that night i made a commitment to exercise my right brain and develop my left hand, my memory of him and most people is missing, along with my sense of time and dates. it's really like a certain part of my brain has become disabled (when i say disabled, i don't mean handicapped, i mean turned off...like a program). this guy is obviously more familiar with me than i am with him, and i can't find where i stored the files that tell me who he is.

i engage in friendly small talk and tell him to say hello to his son for me and that he's a good kid, even though i can't picture him in my mind at this moment but i know i would recognize his energy when i see him. he invites me to go swimming with him sometime, and i tell him that i've injured my shoulder even though i was just on the plane saying that i need to start swimming at the gym. again i figure, if we're meant to meet again, we will. i walk away, and even though i see him looking over at me periodically as i wait for my bag, i stay focused and block out any energetic invitation that would make me approachable. everything is everything until something becomes clear.

i really don't run into people that often. or perhaps i do, but usually, people don't recognize me or see me, and i don't really make an effort to reach out, thinking that if an interaction was meant to be, it would happen.

a part of me worries if there's something wrong with my brain lately, but i'm substance free (barely even drinking since my birthday is really the one night a year that i let loose and drink), and there are other parts of my mental capacities that have become stronger and more focused than ever, which makes me think that perhaps my brain power is being diverted elsewhere.

memories are things i cherish and i used to have this thing where i remembered everyone, down to people who worked at my high school whom i'd never spoken to, or waitresses at restaurants i'd only ever been to once. maybe i'm just letting go of people. maybe i'm just realizing that you can't take every single person you ever met with you towards wherever you're going, so you have to be selective, hanging on only to the strongest connections. and maybe since i don't willingly let go of people, my mind is doing it for me. maybe the ram that was used to store and organize people and the facts that make them up in my mind is being used for something else now, along with what was used to keep track of time and dates and organize information systems. over the last four years, i had organized my mind to mimic a CRM system that utilized microsoft outlook as a database. now i can barely use outlook or find anything in it.

i guess my question is then, given these new experiences that have been happening and the changes i can see and feel--what is my brain up to, and should i have faith or be alarmed?

i gave it some thought. for now, i'm going to have faith. i don't exactly know why certain things are happening or what they mean, but i have a feeling that i don't need to. as long as i stay focused, the truth that i'm seeking will become clear.