brian talks to himself a lot. it's weird because sometimes i think he's doing it to get my attention, and sometimes i think he's just in his own world and it's a funny thing to be around. i'm sure he has all kinds of crazy stories about me, which is why i try not to piss him off too much.

we have a funny relationship. not married, not partners, not friend-siblings, but more like two particles who go really far out into the world to create new, private experiences, but happen to return to the same place because it's where they keep their stuff. we're so love/hate, and most of our tiffs come from petty jealousies.

it's kind of our big test right now. can the twins come out of their cubbyhole. i never leave far from home, and he's afraid to live alone, but i think it's time we did this, kicked each other out of the nest, our comfort zone. he's been freaking out a little about me leaving, and i really felt it was less out of concern for my romantic matters, but more about his being alone for a few months. but as terrified as i am, we've got to at least test it out. maybe we can live without each other. maybe i'm secretly terrified that when i get back, he'll be gone.

today he found me sitting in my underwear on the balcony. the nights have been so nice lately, with a slight breeze. we watched the people in the building across the street and talked about how summer has an energy that feels communal and brings people together. i went back to my office and as i logged onto my computer, he slyly mentions that he was furious at colin for telling me to go to europe, acting out the phone call but minimizing his role in them in a more diplomatic light. i found that hilarious because colin had already told me exactly what brian had said. he wanted me to know that he told colin that he and hooch are going to have to take turns living with him to keep him company.

a part of me felt a twinge of jealousy. that kind of energy in this place will be one hell of a party. but i've gotta leave for it to happen. i told him he should definitely get them in the house. and that they should really set up a webcam.

the idea caught fire, probably because we were both standing around in our underwear, and he got excited about it.

i told him i would set up a webcam if he would set one up, so we could watch each other like we're goldfish. we discussed the logistics of it, and i was continually surprised by his willingness...brian usually knows better than to get involved in one of my underwear schemes. i told him that as long as he promises he'll set up his webcam and not turn it off if something juicy's happening, i would figure out all the technical details. he agreed. i felt like it was my birthday.

i haven't webcammed since the 90's, when that whole frontier was a bizarre mosaic of personalities and worlds, yet so intricately beautiful. i learned about the dark side of the world young, through chatrooms and message boards and websites put shoddily together like junior high presentations. i interacted with the more depraved parts of human nature and witnessed the effect of instability in people's lives. if my parents knew the types of people i was meeting and learning and doing things with, they would have thought i'd fallen into a river and gotten possessed by a demon. or looked at me as an alien child. but the thing was, the bad stuff never got inside me or touched me, but it was the fact i had an intense drive to experience everything, both positive and negative. because i was just experiencing things i should have been too young to experience, and it made me see the world in a different light than other people my age. i found that when people are in new places where they can't help but reveal the truth of themselves, you'll see things you never forget, things that are hard to believe. sometimes it's inspirational, sometimes it's haunting. i met faceless people whose energies were so dark and evil, i wondered if they were perhaps, not human. sometime around my senior year in high school, i started feeling like i was tempting fate, that if i kept playing with matches, i was gonna start a burning stake, so i detached myself from that world. i got closer to people in real life, became a larger role in their lives, and i started making connections and being consistent with them. i think about some of the dangerous things that i'd found online, and i always give thanks for how lucky i am that trouble never followed me back home. i kept a lot of secrets, and developed a lot of wisdom and somehow, i really want to find a way to honor the safe passage of that experience.

so this journey i'm about to embark on, it's getting distinct reactions from people around me. i've been using the framework of story to separate a person's message with their projections to help guide myself through this part. but once i get out of the bay...it's going to be all me.

here's something else i've learned is very important:

never allow trouble to know where you live, but always give the ones you love a way to run into you.