i've had so much to say the last few days, but i feel like i'm just bleeding out of my head because the things i really need to say to the people who need to hear them...it's not happening.

they say when a gemini is talking a lot it means they're bored, but what about frustrated?

sometimes, with some people, i feel like i'm running out of time, that i only have so big of a window to connect with them and exchange information, but somewhere, is a conflict of how much i should tell people, and whether or not it's prudent for me to get involved in other people's lives.

growing up, i was always the person who went in trying to break up fights who got punched herself, or ended up having a group decide they wanted to go after me instead. or sometimes, you stand up for someone, and in the end, you find out the loyalty's not mutual as the next moment, they're feeding you to the wolves because it benefits them. my dad always warned me, don't get involved in other people's lives. probably smart advice. but then i live an isolated life, watching people, wanting to tell them what i see, but afraid to get involved in case if the shit hits the fan, i'm the easiest one to blame.

life, like in writing, is about making strong choices. they may not be the right choices, but at least you committed to making a choice and the results will fall into place the way they will by the forces of cause-effect. and then from there, you find out the results and you adjust where needed. so i need to make a choice--my mind is strong these days. people ask me questions, and i have plenty to say, or at least i have plenty to output and that changes as they give me more or different information. but i'm so afraid of being too straightforward with people, or too honest with people, because i still don't want them to kill the messenger. maybe trust is a two way street. if they trust me to be open, then i learn to trust them to be respectful, and perhaps we can see what really happens when i talk to people without holding back.

or maybe this is a test to see if i've learned how to leave people alone, to keep my thoughts and images to myself and let people figure it out on their own.

i think perhaps a good rule of thumb from now on, is to keep my mouth shut, and not be tempted by provocations to get me to speak, and if people really want to hear or see things, they have to be very direct in their request, really give me the assurance that they are open and willing to hear what i have to say.

otherwise, leave it all alone, and watch things unfold as though i'm watching a movie. people always find their way onto their feet, even if they have to go through really hard experiences and journeys to get there. just because you might be able to see where they're going, doesn't mean you have a right to tell people.