back home in la and everything is fine again. it's strange how attached to home i've become lately. i actually feel stronger physically when i'm inside my home and can see my temple; my mind is clearer.

i had an anxiety attack yesterday. strangest thing. it was like blowing a mental fuse where all this energy spewed out, and just as quickly as it was coming out, it was evaporating. it was like splitting up into one very freaked out, terrified, appendage-flailing person, and one caretaker who was trying to move things out of the way before the first person could damage them. i was simultaneously trying to stomp on and trying to pick up and save a box of kleenex. i was freaking out about people trying to tell me what to do with my life out of their own ulterior motives (not necessarily bad intentions but still, a projection of their will onto me) instead of what was good for me, while simultaneously and bewilderedly apologizing for my seeming complete lack of control over my emotions. it was the weirdest feeling of going in two different directions really really fast and very very recklessly, each extreme reaction unable to pull the other into one focused direction so it all balanced out into a frenzied neutrality. when it happened, my mom just stared at me. she opened her mouth to respond, but then she thought better of it and left me alone because she knew it had nothing to do with her. after a few minutes of quiet time by myself, whatever had gotten into my head released its hold and it was over. i remembered there's nothing you can do about life except take it one step at a time.

michael made a big difference. he wasn't around when it happened, but as aloof as he often is, for whatever reason, he stuck closely to me the rest of the night, and we had a lovely evening spending time just the two of us. there's this michael that comes out sometimes whom i've never been able to really explain to anyone because this part of him appears only when we're alone. the closest thing i can imagine it being likened to is the way sapient dolphins can suddenly appear in mysterious waters, leading lost ships to land. it's like his eyes are clearer, he seems wiser and bigger than you, and there's an energy that comes out of him that's the truth, so pure and unwavering that you know there are things in this world beyond what you see at face value, and those powers work in the name of all that is good. there are moments when he's like this that i'm convinced he's smarter than me, that he's perhaps smarter than all of us, and this is simultaneously the most wonderful and the most tragic thing because he's kind of trapped in a world of beings who have yet to evolve to a place where they can fully grasp the power and nature of truth.

so last night he reminded me. and i remembered that i have to be selective in what i see and believe, tuning out the voices and energies that distract me and pull me in the wrong or unnecessary directions.

i think i'm ready to ground my energy.