i fucking hate this. i suspect i'm depressed but i can never tell.

and now on top of my glut of unlabeled inner happenings, i'm worrying that i'm being stalked.

i got a creepy message on friday that i dismissed, but when i went to check messages last night, i accidentally played it and a thought suddenly hit me...is that a woman screaming in pain in the background? the content of the message itself is already very creepy and strange (i could transcribe it but you really have to hear it), but then with what sounds like screaming in the background it just makes it creepier. i played the message a couple of times for brian. is this guy threatening me while raping/torturing some woman in the background? he agreed it's creepy but wouldn't say that it wasn't screaming. he thought maybe it was a tv in the background. another thought occurred to me. is he watching some violent film where some woman's getting tortured and that spawned thoughts of me? brian told me to see if my carrier can pull the message and keep it on file but unless he starts showing up, there's nothing i can do at this point. i listen to it again. he makes a reference to wendy's. maybe he's just at wendy's and he thought of me and those are kids in the background. then i realize how creepy it is that i'm listening to a creepy message and trying to decipher if his background noise is life-threatening.

hmmm.

maybe this is another sign that it's time i leave town. if the next stage involves my left brain capacities being disabled to allow right brain channeling (left-brain organizational constructs of time and dates are starting to melt), i have to make sure i can keep my physical body safe while my mind is doing its thing. i can't tell if i'm creating these experiences or attracting these experiences. but i've gotta be ready for them.

I'm still going through all the pictures from my birthday. It's taken a while as much out of the sheer quantity of photographic evidence, as me being scared of what I'll find. I'm still getting positive reviews from people mostly along the lines of, "Oh my God, I was sooooooooo drunk that night" and of the stiffness of the drinks that David had tried to report to me in the middle of the night when he grabbed me by the shoulders and with the horrified panic of a man telling me that they were drugging us and shoving us one by one into the pizza oven, he declared that the bartender was pouring an irresponsible amount of alcohol into the drinks and I had to be very, very careful as he attempted not to shake me in hysterics. Perhaps he knew it was in his best interest to cut me off, as the reports of who I did and did not make out with are also still coming in.

And then there's this:

Goodbye 20's. I'll miss the inappropriate behavior.

spent the night everywhere tonight. even engaged in a ninja assault.

men can't defend against a woman trained in the secrets of the ninja. it's just fact.

on a different topic: it is my nature to be a puzzle. an entity can only be as true as its nature. do you really want me to pull it together and be something that doesn't represent me?

why i've been quiet lately.

when something is not in accord in my world, i disappear into my cave to make things very quiet, so i can discern the voices i should be listening to and the paths i should be taking. when i am gone, it is easier to see which are those who are consciously seeking me out, as those are the ones who may be significant.

does that make sense?

funny. no one has ever said it's atypical for me to disappear. i wonder if what that actually means is that for a little while, i was more consistently present than usual.

it's weird because i saw this new era coming, even understood what it would be like--standing at the doorway of a world that's completely foreign or new, and knowing that once i stepped through, the rules would be different and the lessons would be harder. i wouldn't be able to cheat anymore, since lately, i'd started being able to see the answers as i received the questions.

but then to be here...it's like my psychic antennae is still stronger than ever, but the things i need to see, i completely can't see. but in this new era, i'm not allowed to depend on my abilities of analysis to double check my intuition before turning in my answers. left brain is somewhat disabled leading me to learn to depend on my right. it's the equivalent of an athlete breaking their dominant hand and learning to use the other. you should see my handwriting right now.

so where do we go from here

the secret is all around us
...........life is where we seek it
..............of lies that illuminate the place where we meet again.

that's really all anyone needs to know right now.

you can still talk to me if you need me, and i'll try my best to be present.

teehee...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbPYmGq74eI

wanted

loved the special effects and who can look away when angelina's on screen and packing heat. but i was seriously offended by its obnoxious ending.

the fight-clubness of the whole thing had irritated me earlier, but they gave it a rest for a little while so i thought they'd gotten over it. i think that's why i was irritated that they brought it back full-force in the last moment as the movie was redeeming itself.

watching angelina fall in the background made me a little anxious, but i don't think any movie can really kill angelina.

james mcavoy. this is the only thing i've seen him in. i actually sacrificed a spot on my netlix for children of dune because i read he played a twin and i was willing to check it out, but it felt so boring in my hand that i mailed it right back to get desperate housewives. i thought he was cute in the trailers. don't know how i feel about him anymore. he seems like the kind of guy who's theoretically really good in bed, but has equal chance to turn into an instant brooding baby or weep uncontrollably in your naked, confused arms. i don't know. maybe he'll surprise me.

i like this article:

http://www.slate.com/id/2194323/

it makes me wonder how much better the movie would have been if they had expanded the more mystical elements and really made it clash with the urban elements. imagine if someone japanese had done it. no one does myth and violence like asians. or maybe they were holding back on us. this seems like the kind of movie, if it goes all the way, it goes all the way.

this movie will turn you on though. in ways that may even surprise you. i secretly recommend watching the movie for that. you really do leave it feeling like you either did or are going to have some really intriguing sex.

it continually surprises me how i jump from logical left-brain person to amorphic right-brain experience. it's like turning into a highly subjective jellyfish. a highly subjective ghost jellyfish. with legs and an overwhelming perspective.

i continually lose touch with people. i know i do. perhaps it's a bit of an abandonment, but it comes from devastatingly porous attention span and no poor intentions. i assume people just forget about me while i'm away, knowing that i come and go, and sometimes i worry about coming back to people if i wonder if they might be upset with me for having left in the first place. but with people who let me come and go, everything is pretty open and easy. i like those connections.

i'm really seeing how projection almost determines a person's current mindstate as well as what potential realities lie ahead. how there's a definite link between mental energies and reality. my body was battered this week leaving me with my mind, and i was really seeing things.

remember that thing last may that was floating next to me during my transition time when my spirit suddenly became free? that night when i woke up and it was next to my bed, looking like a living organism containing entire worlds of interconnected galaxies of life, everything built as a web of illuminated prisms of the finest strands of life.

the last few nights, i've been startled awake to see a net around my bed. it always surprises me at first because i think it's a mosquito net or the drapes of a four-poster bed and i'm suddenly terrified that i have no idea where i am. in the moments that my eyes are focusing, i see it's made up of the same energy as the thing i saw last year, these organic beams of energy that surround my bed and protects my thoughts, dreams and projections as i sleep. once, in the left corner, i thought i saw a man nailing corner of the net to the ceiling, and he almost looked familiar in the peripheral of my dreaming mind. i felt comforted to see him rather than scared. but everything always slowly fades away while my eyes adjust, and then once i'm sure i know who and where i am, i put my head back down and go back to sleep.

there are so many directions i could go in, things that i could be, but i'm just hesitant to make a decision at this moment, so i'm keeping a lot of secrets these days.

do you ever have days where you simultaneously see everything, and that makes you believe in absolutely nothing?

read between the lines of this article:

http://forums.warriorsworld.net/main/msgs/2030588.phtml

someone's brewing some magic over there. they've found something valuable.

It looks like it's gonna be......

July 29th!!!! July 29th!!!! While the Sun's in Leo for unlimited creativity and hopes & dreams!

Goodbye LA. I've warned your unappreciative ass for years but now you should probably know...I'm leaving you.

If you want me back, you're gonna have to work for it.

damn. no gay love.

The stars for the Memphis Grizzlies for the next era are going to be Rudy Gay and Kevin Love.

Let me rephrase.

For the next few years, the Grizzlies will be touting: GAY LOVE

I'm just saying.

Darrell Arthur was statistically analyzed to be a good pro while Randolph is a likely flop. And he's similar to Brandan Wright in body type except Wright is a lefty PF and Randolph is a lefty SF. Rumor is there's a big trade coming down for the W's on Monday and Wright might be gone. We need an SF and PG, but I don't want to give up Wright.

Thanks, Baron. Thanks for the winks and the memories.

i'm so irritable today. had a doctors appointment and even called to confirm it on monday morning. she said it was at 3:45pm on the 25th. that's wednesday?, i'd asked her. yes, she said. so wednesday the 25th at 3:45, i said. you got it, she said.

so why did i show up today to be told that my appointment is tomorrow? i just took a deep breath and took this to be another test.

this mercury retrograde was a bitch.

rie is back in town. she's my voice of sanity. explained to her that i seem to be suffering from a bout of crazy bitch syndrome. my strain is where i guilt myself into oblivion for being a raging asshole, but guys seem to feel it makes them better people and it actually compels them to want to take things to the next level. i think most of it is in my head. i have issues and a feeling of disconnect with my inner and outer world. my internal feelings don't seem to match up with their external affect.

i don't know what i'm so upset about. maybe the lack of work, the lack of writing or the lack of physical equilibrium (suffering from a sinus infection because i tempted my dependency on health products by stopping my daily dose of green powder for a month). just...antsy.

i was in starbuck's reading when this really old toothless guy wearing a frayed but neatly worn suit , dark, leathery skin and body curved with age, shuffled up to me. he definitely didn't look homeless, but he moved slowly and carefully, his eyes like murky wells. he stood in front of me for a while before i finally couldn't ignore him anymore and acknowledged him. what's your name, he asked me. i repeated it a few times, whispering, but it was hard for him to catch. i didn't want other people who were listening to catch my name and try starting a conversation later. julie, he asked. this is close enough so i said yes. you're a lovely girl, he said then hesitated before adding, i can tell. you're very special.

he never smiled the whole time, just looked at me tentatively, like he half expected me to recognize him. he paused and looked unsure of himself. i could feel great need emanating from him, an amorphic loneliness like a tide pool not necessarily devoid of life. he hesitated a bit and finally asked me, slowly and painstakingly, if i would accompany him to see a movie at the theater up the street.

and you know what? i said no. i politely lied and said i had to study but i said no. it was then that i realized he must have pondered the invitation with more than a casual thought. he kind of leaned back, and got that look in his eyes that men get when they've opened themselves up to vulnerability but instead of acceptance, they get a rejection that stabs them in their softest core...the look that surprises you with the level of hurt you've created, because you never thought you could hurt a man in that way, surprising you so much that you want to put your arms around him and take back everything that has ever hurt him.

it didn't make me feel like a good person. he sadly thanked me for this meeting and my time and shuffled off. i could feel the guy at the next table staring at me, but i didn't want to say anything to him. i just felt bad. the guy seemed genuinely lonely. but for me, especially in la, anyone could have a dangerous ulterior motive and it seems you have to be guarded most of the time.

aubrey tells me that there are great treasures to be gained when you share time with old people. but i live in la where so many strangers have freaked me out before. david says that this fear of strangers and serial killers is a strictly american thing. maybe this was a sign that it's time for me to leave, especially coming off a day that was devoted to discussions of this very topic.

i told my dad that i won't write here anymore. and i didn't realize it as i was saying it, but as i heard myself say it, i realized it was true. just like the way i felt in taiwan that this wasn't where i was supposed to be and i had somehow gotten off course, ever since my birthday i've felt that i'm in the wrong place now. maybe my birthday was my going away party.

The NBA draft is always the most exciting time of year for me.

Why?

Because I'm a Warriors fan and usually some hot new prospect is all we have to look forward to as a savior of our continuous next-year's.

Here's a cool article:

http://dberri.wordpress.com/2008/05/27/the-2008-nba-draft-preview/

Joe Alexander's on steriods?

Well, he's hot so as long as he doesn't beat me in roid rage, I don't care.

why does love make people put up with bullshit? i feel like balance has a hard time existing between people when emotions get involved. you're either on one side or the other, abusive or being abused. dominating or being dominated. i don't like being on either side. i dream of balance where two people in a love partnership just get along the way you do with your best friend. no one hurts anyone deeply and unintentionally. i suspect the pains have to do a lot with growth and motivating each other...sometimes that motivation to evolve comes out of conflict. but i don't like it. i definitely don't like being in a dominant role where i end up making people feel bad. i feel that if you don't get too intensely involved with people, you're more likely to live and let live and things don't get intense. but life doesn't really give you that choice, does it?

i just got back from the bay area. my mom kept bugging me, asking me if i was sad. why would i be sad, i would respond in the same exact way every time she asked. because your boyfriend left. do i seem sad? i asked her. no, she said. but then she adds, you always seem to know there are so many people out there and are always looking. i think you must be sad, but you're just hiding your emotions from yourself.

but she kept bugging me the entire weekend, asking me if i was sad. she was getting so repetitive like when michael calls me multiple times a day and asks me for my flight information just because he wants to feel secure that i'm really coming. i finally asked her what her problem was. nothing, she said. i bet you're sad.

i wanted to either shake her or give in.

i cried for a whole day, okay? is that what you want to hear?, i ask her in frustration.

the truth was, i didn't cry for a whole day. i just kept tearing up a bit uncontrollably the morning of, feeling like i was teetering on the edge of a cliff, while secretly, i couldn't wait for him to leave so i could be alone.

i bet you cried, she said with a smile of victory.

thanks, mom.

she was also driving me crazy by analyzing my party. she had looked at everyone at the party and decided which couples looked like they belonged together and would stay together and which ones she thought were mismatched. she brought it up again that if one of my friends wasn't with his girlfriend, he would surely be with me because his girlfriend loves him more than he loves her while she thinks a part of him has always loved me, but his girlfriend is good for him because she'll give him the stability he needs. i kind of hate it when she brings up that whole situation because while a part of me doesn't believe her, a part of me doesn't even want it spoken of because i don't want to get in any trouble even though i've never done anything wrong. it's just one of those things that should never ever be put on the table because it's not right.

she noticed which guys had been following me around a bit and told me which ones i should be careful of. i told her i had no intentions of getting involved with any one of them.

but the thing was, she'd intuitively noticed and commented about most of the men who were characters in my life, but the one that needed the most commenting. all she would mention of the subject was focused on getting me to admit i was sad.

she's mindfucking me.

wtf?

you can't suddenly start poking a guy in the ear with a bully stick while things are good until he gets upset, then call with the intention to apologize only to stomp on his feelings until he cries, then let him stew in anxiety for a night before finally apologizing over a text in the middle of the night and while he's relieved that you're not walking out on him, make secret plans to find a job halfway across the globe to live closer to him which you are likely to freak out at if you actually get.

get a hold of yourself, gemini. what the hell is wrong with you? what the hell is making you so goddam mean? this isn't like you at all. this really isn't like you at all.

just watched lars and the real girl.

my mom kept coming in and out of the room commenting that he was sick. i finally had to ask her to either stop judging the character and pay attention, or leave. she left.

but my dad, who hadn't been paying attention to it at first (reading the newspaper), stayed up past his bedtime to finish the whole movie.

weird movie, he said near the end as the fake girl was dying and the town rallied behind lars.

it's a sweet movie, i said.

everyone in it is so nice and kind. even the guys who show up in the bowling alley who you think are going to do something destructive are kind and accepting. it really says a lot that we, as the viewer, are surprised when people are given the opportunities to be cruel, but they're not. at least for me, it made me realize how little kindness we expect from our fellow man when it comes to acceptance of things that are out of the ordinary or vulnerable. it's a movie that has a lot of heart. i really appreciate it for that.

i liked this film a lot. my dad grumbled at the end about it being weird again, but i could tell he was touched. it has such a positive message, about psychological pain and the process of healing...how someone who has a lot of love (even if wounded) will attract others capable of love and in turn, they heal each other. i think it's important to see this cycle in action.

i think while the primary objective of film or any mass media can be for entertainment or education, if a message is skillfully conveyed, it's capable of healing on a very subtle but dynamic level. i'm thankful tonight that the filmmakers were able to get this movie made, and that i watched it with my dad at a time in which we were both open and in need of this message.

last night i had a strong tower dream.

i found myself walking into a hotel room that was modern, gray motif with floor to ceiling windows depicting a gray world outside. it was an expensive room but i could comfortably afford it because i was successful myself. i was staying here with a girl i knew from college, a sagittarius whose limited idea of who i was had limited my feelings about myself when i was younger. she wasn't there so i went into the bathroom where there was a massive, luxurious tub, and ran water to take a bath. i went back into the room and saw that she had left a note for me. connected with millen, it said, with a big happy face. millen? i went through my mental files trying to place the name millen, then remembered it was this uber-pretentious east-coast writer she'd liked. i saw an open notebook on the desk and read it. she wrote about meeting up with millen whom she'd been a big fan of, and how talk of literature led to dinner and finally a kiss. she talked about how this was a dream come true. i had ambivalent feelings towards her because of how i felt she'd tried to limit me, but i wasn't jealous of her happy experience. i was too expansive inside for petty feelings.

i went back to the bathroom and saw the tub was only half-full, and the water was lukewarm. i realized i hadn't closed the drain fully and so the water had been draining as i was trying to fill it. i didn't really feel like taking a bath anymore so i went out.

as i walked out of the hotel's glass doors, the city was all gray steel and windows, skycrapers, sidewalks and steel-colored sky. everything was clean and metallic, comfortably neutral. everything looked new and foreign, a future city where everything was in order. i'm sure there were people around but i felt isolated in my own world until i ran into a someone whom i've been missing. we were surprised to see each other but very happy. it felt like fated coincidence. how did you find me, i asked him. are you really surprised, he asked, and i realized that i wasn't. it was always meant to be. we hugged then held hands as we walked and i could feel he was in a different place. he was glowing...he was free. what happened, i asked him. he smiled so happily, a warm energy that started in his chest and expanded all around him. i changed everything, he said. i let go of everything that was holding me down. and her?, i thought but didn't ask. he laughed and shook his head. not your concern, i read it as saying, and it was true because we were here, together, knowing exactly who the other was, and we were happy. then i realized, this whole time, neither of us had said a word...everything had been communicated within our minds. it didn't matter where it was we'd come from or what structures we were responsible for or tied to in the physical world...what mattered was that we had managed to find each other here, and we had a private, mystical place in which we could truly connect and we didn't have to hide anything.

we reached a street light and i pressed the button, letting go of his hand. we didn't say a word, just so content to have found each other in this place. when the light changed to green, i reached out and grabbed his hand, suddenly fearful that this gesture might be inappropriate. but the feeling of connection felt right, and he squeezed my hand like it'd always been this way, and we crossed the street, hand in hand like we were always meant to be whole.

6/14/08 two gemini milestone birthdays 6/21/08

you don't fuck with me i won't fuck with you. cuz i shoot fools in the ovary.

i know i don't have to apologize, but i want to be open as a symbol of explanation and reciprocation. i've been really looking out into the world lately and at the people around me, trying to understand them and be more willing to connect with them. i have communication difficulties inherently that i've kind of creatively figured out how to compensate for when i was young...they seem to whimsically get me by. now i'm trying to become more interactive despite inherently finding it draining, but it's not because people aren't amazing, wonderful human beings. it's just because when i say things exactly as i see them, they're completely true, but people can't always seem to understand me or refuse to understand, and it can range from being comical to frustrating. i feel like the things i see have value that sometimes people can't recognize. it's like trading shells with bead-worshippers. you can't blame them, it's just different currencies.

time. words. places. all figments of all our imagination (organization), yet also willed into a concrete reality. it's such a strange yet complementary paradox.

the reason i enjoyed being 29...

it felt like being a little drunk every day. it was like one year-long new year's eve party where you could do anything and it didn't matter, because the slate was being wiped clean and you'd graduated with honors like you'd hoped you would. then at midnight comes this magical mini-reincarnation, except you get to keep your memories. a part of you exits and re-enters through another door, and yet you remember exactly who you are and the room is just as you'd left it, despite the introduction of a whole new world. in that sliver of time when that portal was open, if you'd really let yourself take things in out of the corner of your eye, you could see the shadows of magic (Intention) in the background. remember the rainbow? my little mystery valentine's gift to you last year... i revealed it. hope you didn't blink. ;)

master your dreams.

when the dust settles, look around you and see what you were able to bring with you. i hope the things you brought were the ones that will be useful for you. i hope the partners you've chosen to stand behind you will be the ones who remain with you. i hope you looked around, when your world was revealed and you saw with only the eye of truth, that you understood what you saw and that you will remember it. i hope this new world will be a good one to you.

and if you're one of the people who missed it, well, you know...life without proof of magic is fun too. you can, like, go bowling.

this doesn't work for me.

don't cry
there's always a way
here in november in this house of leaves we'll pray
please, i know it's hard to believe
to see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees
you and me
and these shadows keep on changing

and i'm haunted
by the lives that i have loved
and actions i have hated
i'm haunted
by the promises i have made
and others i have broken
i'm haunted
by the lives that wove the web
inside my haunted head

hallways... always

i'll always love you
i'll always need you
i'll always want you

and i will always miss you

(poe)

man. difficult week. happy week but challenging week in my path. i've become spiritually disciplined with the concept of letting go, even though it never gets easier. but everyone has to remember, whatever happens is what was meant to be, and whatever is meant to be, if you let it unfold the way it needs to, will make you happy, even if it may not have been what you thought it would be. then you will understand the importance of letting things unfold the way they need to. trying to control or force things may earn you something that you think you want, but it may keep away something that you might truly want and completely enjoy if you had just been patient. you may be holding the consolation prize without knowing that you actually could have had the grand prize if you'd had a little more faith.

on a more internal topic, there's always two sides. and they don't always know each other or understand each other. they just have a way of coexisting, because there's no knowledge of any different reality.

i need that time alone. i need that space where i can reflect on why each side works at cross purposes because i don't want to live like this anymore, but a part of me knows if i want to gain the things i want to gain, i must.

to love everyone, without them knowing it

to love no one, without them knowing it

have i not spent my life being diplomatic enough? have i not found compromises within the overview of who we are to make all factions appeased? it's time to stand before the great awareness and within its mirrors, see.

june 18th. i just knew i had to be ready for it but it looks like i'm backed up by corresponding signs. this was always to be the day of the reckoning.

and so i stand before you with my truth.

i am a good person. i am a great person. i am so greatly beyond human that i am more human than human. i am a magician. i am an illusion. i am empty inside. i am a liar.

i've learned how to love everyone to mask the hidden torture that i can love no one. i am not proud.

the only thing i can do is to see so greatly the good of another human being on an abstract level, that i can never fully see them as the flawed yet uniquely beautiful human being standing before me, because to connect with a person and see EXACTLY who they are and yet feel nothing inside...fills me with deep, private sorrow.

so i look at you, so deeply in a way that makes you feel so full, so loved, so that you will not see my emptiness.

i am most ashamed that people try to give me more love and heart, believing it will open doors that allow me to pour forth my own depth of feelings. i hope some day it works. but it worries me that my hopes of someday finding this rich emotional river inside me may just be the dream of an optimist, and that perhaps, for some people, it doesn't exist.

what am i like in my new days as 30?

unbearable. insatiable. heaven and hell. remorseful.

last night i was called abusive.

he didn't mean it but i'd provoked him until he fell off a cliff.

and finally i found a word that could really cut again. it was sad i had to hurt someone that i loved so much to get him to give it to me, but i wanted it weaponized. i wanted it there whenever i wanted to destroy something beautiful.

it's just a word. loaded with pain, given to me by someone who loves me, so i could always instantly get in touch with pain. in return, i gave him the love i manage to muster in short spurts; not quite the river i search for, but it's the best i can do in honest effort--i gave him all the love i had in me.

it's not right to be like that. but you have to remember, it's not a choice because i wouldn't choose this; I try my best to live with it, to be the person i can be given who i am. but you must remember, i had said that once you've had happiness and peace, you will always be able to find your way home. on the flipside, once you've had pain and suffering, despite all the happiness and contentment in the world, despite all the success and reward, you'll always be able to find your way home.

what? didn't think the shadow has its own home?

i told him i can't be held down. that i have to be free to search for the thing i need that i'm searching for.

why can't i be your everything, he asked me.

i wish he could understand he doesn't have to be. if he could understand that, i will always come back to him.

sometimes when i'm alone, i stare out at the sky as it deepens into the night, and i find tears falling. it feels purely mechanical, like a runny nose after a run in cold weather and i let them come, dripping, sliding, falling into the dark spaces around me, until the reservoirs run dry and life begins its motions again. in these moments i'm very still, like a witness caught in a sudden tropical storm.

i need a lot of time alone so that i can be good to you.

after reflection and an evening where the energy is rushing in my head like waves crashing jagged cliffs, i'll clean out some more of my mental closet of private thoughts.

if people are drunk, i seem to make them drunker if i'm in one of my moods. i'm usually sober around people because i only seem to be able to enjoy alcohol during specific celebratory times. otherwise, if the circumstances aren't exactly right, my body tends to reject alcohol. but if i'm in a more magnetic mood, i seem to make sober people act a little drunk and drunk people act like my new best friend. but when i'm drunk in a situation where the universe has kind of allowed me a night off to be myself, it turns into a bacchus. i'm pretty convinced that if i were completely unleashed, i could start the best orgy known to modern history. well...maybe that's a little hyperbolic, but i'm sure it would come as a pleasant surprise to many. but i figure, if it didn't happen on my birthday on saturday, then it's probably never meant to be.

people shouldn't read too much into me because for all my evasiveness, i'm honest. i always said that being honest and being straightforward are not linked. i'm not straightforward. but i'm quite honest. if i'm evasive, it's because you haven't earned my trust yet in understanding certain aspects of me, or because i don't like hurting feelings so i always try to say the most positive or nice thing when connecting with people i like. but if given a free-for-all or a safe space, i will tell you the blunt, bare-bones truth whether you're prepared for it or not. i haven't yet figured out if this is a good thing or a bad thing that happens, because people react in dramatically different ways.

maybe i did get really sick of taking care of my family emotionally yet feeling that my efforts were invisible and unappreciated. and for years, i've been cooping up this feeling that for how incredibly, angelically good i've had to be in all these years, all the patience and maturity and self-sufficiency...all the sacrifice and humility...it was a choice made somewhere in the fiber of wherever my soul exists at an age when most kids are only aware of the sun and that they feel good with the sun. i dedicated myself to focus, that whenever presented with a fork in the road, i would always take the road that would make me stronger even if it broke more sensitive parts of me that take longer to mend, because people depended on me. sometimes i get irritated with people who think i'm a good person, like good is a black-and-white trait a person's born with not that i actually consciously decided that i didn't want to be "not good" and that i could just as equally be very bad. i don't think all people are born good. i think some people work harder at it, and in doing so, are also carrying a shadow side that needs to be accepted and expressed. people don't understand shadows but sometimes its power outputs in the positive as well. sometimes if you give it enough room, you'll find that it's an ally that's possibly even more powerful than more superficial graces.

i created an energy storm last night. i made it noisier than destructive and it nearly destroyed me to see him hurt so much. i found myself reaching into the darkest of night inside me, to be so cruel and say these things that i didn't understand but that i felt were the blunt truth within him, to drag out things i hadn't seen any proof existed, to sit on his greatest pain and recreate it for him until it broke my heart more pathetically than any humiliation i've ever endured, so that i could bring out his insides and therefore, mine. i had to lose him completely until there was no more hope, before i bent my head in truce and asked for forgiveness, bringing an energy that calmed the storm and brought rain. and then he realized that none of it was real and i've never seen a man so relieved. i was relieved it was okay.

he woke me up to tell me he was dreaming of being chased by nazi's with scars on their faces. i couldn't fully wake up so i just told him he needed to confront them. he told me his dream really scared him and kept going for a long time, but i was stuck too deeply in my own so i wrapped my arm around him in a protective way so he could sleep against me and said again, you need to confront them.

i asked him in the morning about his dream. he said it was scary. he had a similar dream when we'd gone through a similar exercise in england. i asked him if he knew how to control his dreams. he said no, like it was a silly thing to say because it's not possible. i told him that i used to drown in my sleep until i made the discovery that i could decide that i could breath underwater and then do it. i told him that this morning, i'd had a dream that i was supposed to go with him to the airport, but i'd dropped some friends off in a taxi but the area didn't have any traffic to catch a taxi back. i didn't have my cellphone on me either so i realized he wouldn't be able to find me and i would miss saying goodbye to him. this filled me with incredible anxiety. i was running around looking for a taxi realizing that he had to leave for the airport in a few minutes and the car ride alone to my place was over 30 minutes...making the situation impossible. then i remembered that i make the rules so i can change them. i decided in my dream that i wanted everything to stop and i would teleport myself home so we could see each other. i remembered that i could change the rules in this reality. then my cellphone rang (i was still in this deserted neighborhood with no taxis) and it was him (remember i also didn't have a cellphone earlier). he asked me, where are you? i said, at home. and i looked around, and i was at home. as i was explaining the dream, i realized i could have decided that he wasn't leaving if that would have given me less anxiety in the dream, but i don't think this ability is that skilled yet. in response, he told me that at one point, he demanded one nazi to get out and he didn't look like he was going to, but somehow he made the nazi leave. i asked him to repeat the story just to verify it. it sounds like he's starting to change inside.

later, i found written on the shower door, i love you more now. i felt relieved to know i hadn't mortally wounded him emotionally. i know my shadow side can be a difficult encounter but i'm grateful when people do understand the intentions.

so i was finally alone tonight. waiting for the moon. then a little miracle happened. i feel good. i looked out my bedroom window and found my temple reflected through my bedroom window, which is on the other side of the house. i'm facing away from the temple yet it'd managed to reflect itself off a window in the opposite building, coming down into my bedroom, at an angle in which you can only see it from the spot in which i read tarot.

i was curious at first them dumbfounded. even if this reflection is a frequent occurrence and not a part of this solstice moon-mercury energy tonight, then i haven't noticed it in the 8 years i've lived in this place and sat in that spot looking out the window.

there was my temple in miniature, the structure i spent hours at night staring at and communing with, sitting in my window looking down on my spot like a ghost.

i haven't spread my cards for months. not since i looked at them individually after i first met david. but i did a spread while looking at the temple reflection because i felt like that was what i was supposed to do.

and then i knew. center of it all...the message...was the tower.

the one card i'd been talking about lately.

this may be good, this may be bad. but i have to be prepared and take my challenges as they come. the tower is the tower that builds strength. either i just had a fork in the road, or i've got one coming up. but all my intuitions are right...my life is changing. things that don't belong in my life will come crumbling down. now it's just a matter of seeing what falls.

i do have to say this though. earthquakes. weird shit going on with earthquakes. i woke up to an earthquake in taiwan. everyone's been freaked about them since the one in china. this quake was a mid-sized one but it lasted a long time, like a ghost shaking our bed just daring us to be scared. my mom woke up panicked and said, julia, it's an earthquake. i refused to wake up and said really indifferently, yeah i know. rolled over, went back to sleep because i knew the earthquake could never hurt us. she went back to sleep. two days later, she was reading a newspaper and she asked me if i'd known there'd been an earthquake the other night. i said she'd even woken up and talked to me but she didn't remember. i'm glad it hadn't scared her. but the feeling of earthquakes is keeping me away from san francisco right now.

there's something else i discovered this week. that little game i play with figuring out where i'm going to eat?

i kept talking about a handful of restaurants i wanted to take david to over the week. before each meal, i would name off a few and ask him which one he wanted to go to. he would keep trying to throw it back on me and i would just respond firmly, "you're the guest." the thing was, whichever restaurant he would pick, was already the restaurant i'd seen us eating at when i thought about where i saw us that night. it got to the point where the last meal, i could see the place where i thought we would be eating, but i didn't mention it in the list of options. yet after some hesitation, he tentatively asked if it was okay if we went there. so then this is confirmed somewhat objectively. which remains, the chicken and the egg argument. am i projecting a reality of a future event/setting and therefore, it comes real? or am i actually picking up on an event in a highly likely future? am i an active projector, or just a passive observer?

when boys geek out...

but it's honestly pretty enjoyable analysis.

ttp://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/8258306?MSNHPHMA

-is he your boyfriend?

-no, mom. he's my partner.

-what do you mean, partner?

-we're building something.

-building what?

-we don't know yet.

magic money

what is magic money? well, it's...magic money.

this is my only tip:

when people give you cash, here and there when the impulse hits, you put it into a red envelope, preferably one that someone else gave you that once contained cash. you keep adding to it, always in that envelope, whether it be change from the store, money a friend owed you for concert tickets, refunds, etc. whenever the impulse hits. you keep it in a safe place and you commit to keeping it a magical secret that you're going to let grow. if you've seen pan's labrynth, it's like the root under the bed. basically what you're doing is creating an energetic ritual and a belief that if you're doing the things you're supposed to be doing in life, then this envelope will always be there when you need it, always full.

mercury is stationary tonight on a full solstice moon.

tonight there's a good opportunity to think with less brain and more heart.

i tried to explain this to david but he's struggling with it because he doesn't understand and i'm not allowed to help him.

i need something from him.

i need that dot.

he can't be my soul partner unless he can understand what i need and be willing to allow me what that dot represents.

last night's drunkenness was, in colin's words, next level shit.

even poor aubrey, the perennial designated driver, was drunker than i've ever seen him in my life, and i've known him since we were 9.

i told everyone, when we show up, if my dad's wearing a pink shirt, it's going to be a great night. and there he was, in a plum shirt that was quite complementary to my dress which was a pleasant surprise.

the tie thing is because i've got a fetish for guys in shirts and ties, so i'd requested that david be in a shirt and tie, citing that aubrey probably would be. i forgot to ask aubrey if he'd be wearing a tie until they'd arrived in LA, and he said he hadn't planned on it and didn't want to. but i went out to run some last minute errands and when i got back, the boys were all in shirts and ties. even brian. david can be subtly persuasive.

we were late for the party because of a last minute wardrobe malfunction. the strap of my dress broke and out popped my left boob. rie was like my maid of honor. brian hurried her in and she sewed up the strap and reinforced the other one. it also took 3 people to put tape on me to make sure i didn't find other ways to flash my goods.

the place was nice. it was crazy because i'd hired an event planner so i hadn't seen the place, tasted the food or heard any of the DJ's work. all i'd visualized going in was that the party was going to be downtown, and when she told me about it, everything sounded the way it was supposed to be so i trusted her and let her take care of everything. she did a great job. the food was great and i was amazed at the chocolate fountain. my mom was like a deer, quietly drinking from the stream...i kept catching her at the chocolate fountain and when other people would show up, she would scurry away, only to approach again when the coast was clear. it was cute. she had a really great time and the one thing i always like is when my parents dance because it makes them happy.

i'm really happy with the party and it seemed like people were having a great time. i didn't really drink until close to midnight because i wanted to pace myself, but the downward slide into drunken oblivion has a steep slope, with sake bombs serving as deadly lubrication.

ah...sake bombs. my favorite weapon of choice.

for only 3 easy payments of $29.95, you too, can learn how to suppress your gag reflex.

drinking and smoking bring out two different people in me.

smoking makes me contemplative, like giving me more RAM so i can articulate greater wisdom.
sometimes, i'm more me because more of me is able to come through and speak.

drinking takes away the self control i use to meter my energy output, and love and happiness gush out of me. i want to touch everyone and have good feelings emanate from everyone. this night wasn't too complex for me, which was good because i didn't have enough time to get too deep into too many people. i didn't see visions of people's secret pain, i didn't feel individual messages that needed to be delivered. i basically got the night off to just have fun. mostly, i just wished that people go home and have the greatest sex of their lives.

i hesitate to call any of my behavior "bad" behavior to impose any kind of judgment on myself. i'd had a long talk with david a couple nights before because i have been worried about how he would handle my birthday party, since we've never been through this before, and it can be a lot for a guy to handle. i think my birthday parties are where you can really see that i'm in love with everyone and a lot of people love me back. it's basically a ceremony of love and joy. but for a lot of guys in the past, it can be a lot to handle if a guy isn't secure. i think i brought it up because i was worried about it. he's a serious guy when he talks about commitment, but what i really want to know is...how much freedom will he give me for life. i suspect that i would have no qualms about commitment if i knew that a partner truly gave me freedom on pure faith of knowing where my heart is, but i also am trying to understand if this is an arrangement that can exist. i may be asking for something that isn't fair or possible for another person to the degree i need it to promise my faithfulness, and if so, then commitment is not for me and i have to accept that, just as some people accept that they may never have children. i'm trying to be zen about it and take my life as it was meant to be.

he was at first anxious about why we were talking about it, and i told him i just wanted to explain what my parties are like, that it's freaked out guys in the past if the party comes too early in a relationship, and that he has to know that whatever it may seem like, i'm not disrespecting him. he said, well, you're not planning to make out with another guy are you? then you have nothing to worry about.

and i think that comment created the problem. because i would never make out with someone else and i laughed because that seemed so out of behavior for me that it wasn't a possibility. but then how to explain the impulse that i kissed everyone, both men and women. none of it was sexual though...i think it was because i could and i wanted to. i like showing that boundaries are really imaginary. often they are necessary, but they're not these rigid, concrete things that people give them credit for. the berlin wall lined with soldiers with guns with an order to shoot...that was a fucking real boundary. a psychological feeling that we have to repress emotion to be proper in society, even in times when it's safe to express them...that's all in your head. so i'm always touching people anyway because it makes me happy, that tangible connection of you're here, i'm here and it feels good to have a solid connection with you on a physical level. like hugs. that's what hugs are really about--a physical expression of a psychic/emotional connection which in a way, verifies the presence and nature of the intangible feeling of connection. but the kissing...that's next level shit. that falls in the realm of things you can't do with other people if you're committed to someone, even if when you're doing it, everyone is in this place of utter surrender to the energy of the night, and whatever transpires is pure and beautiful and good because that was my energy projected into the night and i spent a year making sure the energy to be projected that night would be positive and pure. so it just became a natural expression that meant nothing beyond the joy of connection it was expressing. i think that if society weren't full of so many perceived boundaries and ego, i could show people this without us being drunk, because substances are just screens we hide behind so we can't judge ourselves when we reveal ourselves. really all it would take is for people to let go of certain more critical sides of themselves and just accept the truth of who they are and the truth of what transpires between people.

so what is my point? i think it's coming to me. it's compounded by so many different things. was i an instigator, impishly causing problems because drunk guys are helpless when they think a drunk girl is helpless? (don't forget, sometimes the predator pursues by becoming the prey...). am i someone who can't bear being told what she can't do, despite never having crossed any physical lines before? or am i just someone who sees and feels things on a deeper level than a lot of people allow themselves, who's sick of all the bullshit and just wants to break down barriers and connect? was it an act of freedom or rebellion?

the only thing i know is that i need my freedom to find my answers and find my questions and to better understand people and the world, because it's only through experience and understanding that i'm able to bring things back to people through communication, and giving the wisdom of my discoveries to others and seeing their lives change is what brings me the greatest joy in my life. in my guestbook when asked where on the outline of a person i've touched him, aubrey drew aura waves around the body and a big orb above his head and wrote "here." that made me smile so wide i was glowing, because aubrey has always been one person who can actually see me. and quietly, he's always given me his support and my freedom.

that's really the secret to the sword in the stone.

you go through the obstacles and the trials to finally find the treasure, but the only way you can keep it, is if you can truly let it go.

so many people try to get close to me. very few people find me. even fewer can truly see me. but once you have found the real me and connected on that level, the only way you can keep me is if you can truly let go of me.

if you can achieve this, it will unlock me to reveal the universe.

the sword in the stone. so simple, yet no one at the partnership level has been able to do it yet.

as i sit on the brink of my 30's, i can't help but feel an overwhelming sadness to say goodbye to an era that encompassed my awakening. i think it's a common human fantasy to wish to redo parts of one's life with the knowledge they know now applied to the person they were then, but of course, time pushes us forward and we can only do our best to keep our head's afloat and our eyes clear so we don't miss what comes towards us as we wistfully watch what has already passed.

my path to the place and person i am today was neither graceful nor conventional, full of constant violent storms and carnivorous shadows, but it paved way for a wider path in which choosing to live outside of accepted, dogmatic perceptions would be a simple matter of courage and free will.

but to be free also means having nothing to rely upon but a trust in your own instincts, something that can be both exhilirating and absolutely terrifying.

tomorrow morning i end 3 cycles. one lasting 1 month, one lasting one year, one lasting 29 years. tomorrow will mean the assignment of New--new challenges, new experiences, new connections, who knows. or perhaps, in thinking i will spring forward, i'll be forced to fall back in order to learn that we are never free from reality, and this is what we were born to accept. i don't see my lessons until i've reflected on them. i can't help but to hope for the best but prepare for the worst, but i do hope that the things i've seen and felt to be true with every fiber of my being in this last year of my awakening are true and very much possible.

the question of commitment has come up quite a bit, perhaps not in conversation, but in the collective unconscious as many people have been carrying this type of question within them. commitment towards paths, towards responsibilities both accepted and obligated, towards being a fixed person and giving up other possibilities of projecting, towards assigning a role onto oneself, towards a partnership with another.

at the end of the day, commitment is what you decide to make of it. you can look towards others for examples, see their successes and failures, see their hopes and fears. but it comes down to what is being asked of you, what you want and what you can achieve, and somewhere in the middle, a negotiation between the three through a truthful assessment of what actually exists or is required, and what is a projected hope or fear.

somewhere i believe there are no wrong answers because life is a learning experience where we teach ourselves so a bigger part of us understands. but then so many times, when people get hurt, when bad things happen, i feel like there really are wrong answers, and there often is a bad guy who ends up taking the blame. sometimes the bad guy is even me. i don't believe anyone ever walked this earth who wasn't blameless for something, but i would like to think at the end of the day, challenges bring necessary change. i just know we go from invincible children, to the acceptance that we're flawed human beings just trying our best in this world and hoping to make the most out of a life that sometimes seems like it's in our control, but really it's not.

all we can do is try our best to have good intentions, and to try to always find a way to find peace and happiness wherever it is that we find ourselves, whoever it is we find ourselves to be at any given moment.

life is made up of big moments and little moments, often simultaneously depending on how you're leaning philosophically at any point, and as long and as short as it seems to be, your own personal feelings about it at any time doesn't change the fact that it continues to be in exactly the way it will be. you can't force every part of your life under your control just like you can't grab every drop of a river to force it into a pattern that's more to your liking.

so then if there's no way to control life, the only thing left is for us to live it, to be of it and to be in it, and to search for those experiences and people who help bring us closer to who we are as unique individiuals within a connected collective, and to uncover our own personal truths within which exists our freedom.

i think my point is, there's no perfect world, or that perfect place where once you've worked so hard to get there, you'll never have another problem or worry ever. you can find the perfect love, the perfect job, the perfect amount of money/security, and once you've achieved that state you always dreamed of that represented the top of the mountain for you, from there you'll find only new challenges or obstacles that you may have never realized. i think it's a continual process of doing your best to make the most of things, and trying to find joy and love wherever you can without worrying about things that aren't in your control.

tomorrow i will go to the beach and at the exact time of my birth, put my birthday wish for my 30th in writing, that the people in my life and who come into my life will find a way to truly believe just how unique and amazing they are.

and since i'm feeling generous, i won't even make them all have sex with me to figure it out.

i'm drunk. i'm training for my birthday. y'all better be ready.

david will be here in less than 24 hours. and i have a feeling after that, everything changes. i can't see how, only that it's necessary, and that i have to have faith that i'm ready to handle the next chapter of my life. to borrow my favorite line from one hell of a well-written show (friday night lights):

clear eyes, full hearts can't lose.

and so, i prepare to leave all that i find familiar.

*****

the thing about scorpio is a lot of astrologers tie this sign to an obsession with and influence of death, and as my scorpio friends tell me (both consciously and subconsciously), they're always aware of death, that one day life may end, and that at that point, they get taken away from all their stuff. they tend to be really into the distinction of what is "their stuff." they also tend to be really obsessed with the need for control, and what is the ultimate loss of control but death of the human consciousness.

but the other thing i've tied to the symbol and energy of scorpio is represented by the tower card in the tarot. this card used to scare me because it came up in every single reading i did for people within the 2 weeks before 9/11, and i was just beginning my connection to the tarot.

see? scary stuff. especially when your wisdom hasn't become fully aware yet.

but then as my relationship with the symbols of tarot matured, i began to see how the tower also represents a different type of death--an event so cathartic or catastrophic that all that was once familiar is demolished or exposed, so that there is nothing left for a person to do but collapse and mourn their lost world, or continue on into a new situation, position or challenge.

here's the thing about life. you have to build your life the way you would build a house. maybe you were young and all you really wanted was a fort, so that's what you built, supported by the precarious legs of 2x4's. but as you get older, and as you expand your domain to support more things and people in your life, you have to make room for them. but you also have to make sure that the foundation you've built will support these new things you want now and in the future.

the way the events represented by the tower work is that sometimes, there are events in your life that shake up your world. and if you've built your life on a strong foundation, your tower will stand. but if you haven't, your tower will come crumbling down, forcing you to either be completely overwhelmed by the rubble of your previous life, or bearing the wisdom gained by reflection, you can start anew by consciously building a stronger foundation which will support your needs, desires, hopes and dreams. a tower event can be devastating, but it can also be the best thing that ever happened to you, forcing you to let go of things in your life that are no longer useful or that no longer suit who you have evolved into. it can be challenging but fulfilling, depending on the strength of the foundation you've built, as well as your ability to be flexible and deny your desire to control things that are out of your control so you can recognize your path exactly as it comes.

well, let me start by saying:

brian stranded me at the gay bar last night with just a text message saying: get home, hooker

given that it was a good night, i did get home, and it was his birthday, i'm not mad about it. i find it funny more than anything that this morning, the first thing he did was stumble into my office, flop onto the couch face first and tell me he has no memory of how we got home from the bar last night.

we?

YOU left me at the bar.

that about summed it up.

he didn't believe me so he checked his phone and there it was: get home, hooker

the cab driver who took me home last night was really chatty though. i asked him if it was a crazy day because it was pride weekend. he said earlier, he drove this really drunk woman home from the abbey and she asked him for sex. he said she was really unattractive, but she was so drunk and started taking off her clothes and pawing at him through the window that he stopped and let her kinda go down on him, but it was bad. i asked if she paid the fare and he said no, she didn't have any money.

i don't know if i believe him, but he sure was happy telling that story.

I have work to do.

fuck. mercury retrograde is messing with me. making it really hard to communicate.

there's progress. but then weird stuff i can't explain. um...don't get mad at me. left-brain mildly disabled as right goes majestic. it's never flexed so hard. i'm doing the best to navigate but just smile, laugh at it all and we'll get through this okay??? good god, help us...

no, i'm kidding. we'll be okay. we'll be better than okay, better than we imagined. just stay relaxed, everyone focus.

e-x-p-a-n-s-i-o-n

you'll see.

AND THE JOKE'S ON EVERYONE! okay, i'm not going to spoil it for you but you have to make sure you really enjoy it because it's going to be subtle okay? it'll be easy to overlook and it will be fine if you do, but you don't want to miss out if you don't have to. your only mission is to make it 100% possible for you to have fun on this night.

got it?

then do it.

the guestbook. i'm kind of embarrassed by it but kind of tickled by it. oh my goodness, it's a little deliciously obscene.

so tonight, let me tell you what went on.

brian's birthday party at here, gay bar in west hollywood. gay men love me.

but first, david suggested i spend more time with brian so i asked brian if he would come shopping with me to pick out my new sheets, even though i'd bought them already but he was excited about picking them out with me so i said i would return the ones i'd gotten. i want a new color scheme this year. we headed to bloomingdales, and we picked out the sheets and bought them from the saleslady he knew. i took the duvet he suggested though i was firm about the sheets i wanted, and he actually ended up saving me a shitload of money. that's how he proves he cares about people sometimes, being really helpful that way and it's sweet. so he tried to help me return the ones i'd gotten but i managed to confuse where i'd actually bought them from, taking him to the wrong department store. he called me a crack head. i'm just not really here right now where time, space, location is kind of a smaller picture illusion to me. i told him his cologne smelled really really fucking good. he forgave me because he knew i meant it and i told him i would return the sheets later that day, myself.

we went home and i snuck into the elevator to head out. he caught me and asked me where i was going. i told him to the drugstore. he asked me what for, and i evaded the question. haha, it's a game. i leave. he's sweet, he's so caring. i'm so evasive sometimes, but sometimes, i just like to be because i just enjoy my time alone. and go about my secret day. i met people. i saw people. sometimes people outright stare. i love people. i hate people. all this in single glances, entire dramas taken in in fleeting, intangible moments.

love. hate. lifetimes. all passed where only the aware remember.

i remember getting a large sum refund which the saleswoman had to go to another floor to retrieve.

that was a minor victory.

and all the unhappy or angry people i passed who felt like they were being constantly ignored by life. their reality. this world that they had created.

and the ones who hated me. and the ones who hated themselves.

and the ones who were free.

everything was so apparent.

i went to an art store and asked about a product and the clerk had no idea. so i bought it and knew i would make it work. and then i went home and with brian's encouragement (i know you're funnier than this), it's a little obscene. and personally, i do find it funny in a bigger picture kind of way of who cares, but how many people are actually big enough to perceive things that way?

it's all relative to people's individual perception and i hope no one gets offended because these kinds of things are small things, to me. my birthdays are never appropriate events, just events for people to let go and have fun.

i'm twisted up today because i'm in a different place, but i'm strong.

look, i made a grown man cry today. i made him understand what it meant for his soul to be free and he wept in joy and i kissed him and hugged him like we were old dear friends. i told him, you know the truth, so you pursue all that makes you happy because that's all that matters. and as tears fell around his brilliant smile, i wiped them away and tasted them on my lips and said, be happy. all that you were meant was to be happy. and i felt dizzy with that knowledge, dizzy with that absolute love that i felt for him in that very moment. and he said to me, i love you, julia. i only met you tonight, and i love you.and i knew that i loved him too. because he was me, and he was him and he was all of us, just like my single drop of water from the faucet, and he was everyone in this world that had hope for something better, something positive, something happier than anything we had ever dreamed, because in that moment, he was aware of himself. and i hugged him and said, i love you, too. i don't really know you, but i know you. and i love you. and i kissed him where his tears flowed and held him until they stopped.

he is a good person.

this is how things happen. you have to find me at the right moments where it's safe. you have to ask me the right questions, and i'll show you something, something that's really in you. but you have to know the right paths to find me, otherwise i'll be me, but not the me you seek. but for all honest seekers who were meant to find me, i have always shown the truth.

understandings

the thing about dating someone when so much is carried on over im, is that you become dependent on words. words to convey realities, to give you glimpses of a multi-dimensional universe that you can't at the moment perceive with any other senses. you trust that the psychically imaged/constructed/projected/perceived universe of this person is exactly the one that exists behind these string of words.

and for someone whose livelihood is completely built upon words, it makes me realize how inadequate words are for capturing and reflecting entire universes, realities and understandings.

i'm making too many mistakes with words, because i'm barely there as i write them. my head is somewhere else, and i'm perceiving and painting realities that may or may not exist. i've learned it's important to paint them positively, or sometimes people around you suffer, perhaps due to their own private lives, perhaps due to your influence. so you have to be very careful, and only outlet your negativities to someone who's strong. but after a while, it's not hard to be positive. you just have to trust that you'll be taken care of by a force greater than you. and whatever happens is just a part of all that happens, so you will be big enough to accept it.

it's not about the result. that you were ultimately able to control everything. it's that in earnest, with optimism, you tried.

and so i've committed myself to that vision, that position, that if you focus your energy, your projections are expansive. and i never again want to hear anyone call me selfish again because everything. every single thing i've ever discovered about life and how life really works, i've shared it with you. You. Whoever you are. It doesn't matter to me. You're all You.

but how honest do you want me to be? how much do you want to recognize me? it's scary when you wonder if i'm you isn't it?

so i'll tell the stories you like so much. because they're all true.

let's start with the trees in the forest.

david. the only one i can't get inside of and see. it drives me crazy but it tests my ability to have faith. imagine holding a really hard yoga position for an infinite amount of time...you have no idea when you're allowed to let go, but you try to be really zen about it and hold on until you know it's time not to. this is what it feels to my psychic energy. so despite not knowing what's along the bend, i force myself to have faith in a reality i can't see. because the problem is, i see everything.

since meeting me, david can now remember his dreams, whereas before sleep was an endless black hole. his dreams are mostly positive, but he sees them as what he believes are events of the future. the thing that makes me happy is that he's remembering them, because this is significant.

my brother. needs his independence. i fear a future where he proves if he can fend for himself, because i fear the answer if it is not a safe one, but i know that by constantly watching and projecting for him, i'm not letting him try. it's very hard to let him go.

my father. is finally happy. in that phone call where i threatened to kill him, was when things changed. let me quickly explain before you think i'm a psycho chick from a lifetime tv-movie. i got tired of him being jealous of my mom's success in their company and when he declared he was going to sabotage her. i used reason at first and when i realized he was going to do it anyway without my support, i laid it down. it was done over the phone, but it was medieval. it's like i whipped out a sword and my armor and i angrily declared a duel. except he was wearing nothing but pajamas. and i went to town telling him don't you dare sabotage her. you started your own company and stepped aside so she could start making some decisions, so don't you dare sabotage her until she gets a chance to prove if her decisions work. i told him i was sorry that his mom was such a horrible person to him, because she started her own life but didn't have enough room in her heart for him, but who cares. who cares about what one selfish woman thinks. just because she didn't have the heart to love him didn't mean that he wasn't deserving of love. i told him about the prison. the one that we lock ourselves into, and even though the door is open, we're terrified of walking out that door. i told him too many people sit in this prison they've made for themselves, and just wait for that door to lock so they can be angry and say that they never had a chance to get out anyway. but the thing, is, the door is not fucking locked. you can leave ANY. TIME. so why are you still sitting in it when you have a wife that wants to love you, kids that love you, and friends and family who would never say anything less than you are a kind, generous, wonderful human being? he got angry and tried to tell me that no one loved him and i told him i needed him to stand in the mirror and say, I am a good husband. I am a good person. I am someone worthy of love. I kept repeating it over and over like a mantra, and he protested at first then started weeping, demanding, why are you doing this to me??? i told him, because you need to walk out of your prison. you need to walk out of your prison, and start living the life that you always wanted, because it's right there waiting for you. i started repeating this over and again. he told me i was a bad daughter and that's when i blew.

if i EVER find out you've been going around calling me a bad daughter, i will hunt you down and kill you. if you tell ANYONE that i am a bad daughter after everything i've done for you, after everything i've given to you, after i made my life a miserable shrine for you for so long so you could see what it's like for someone you love to be with men who hated themselves, then you don't deserve to have me in your life. i don't NEED you in my life. i'm only here because i WANT you in my life, but if you think i'm a bad daughter, then i'm not sharing what an amazing person i am to someone who doesn't deserve to be around me.

and then for the first time in my life, i hung up on him.

months later, i look at him now and he's happy to see me. it's a secret we share.

he's finally free.

my mom. great for hugs. great for comfort. can't touch her. while in taiwan, we were sitting on this beautiful patio in the mountains above a harbor having afternoon tea. my aunt's friend bluntly comments, "I think in this lifetime, your mom's greatest love is work."

i actually find it amusing but i kind of sigh, good-naturedly. i've frankly explained to david that my mom's first love is her company, and the people around her have spent their lifetimes coming to terms with that. but saying it in front of me is kind of like saying, "Hey, your boyfriend seems to really love his wife."

edison. freakishly smart kid who can devour knowledge. they need to feed him as much as possible. he's capable of doing great things. his dad is a scorpio who knows magic.

i have a musician connection. i feel a comforting warmth inside me when i think of him and it makes me peaceful to know he's out in the world. i've thought a lot of times that i would like to get closer to him, but the only thing is i worry that he'll try to sleep with me. which is the problem i face when getting closer to people sometimes. they always want to cross that physical boundary with me and that line destroys something that is actually stronger and more innocent, but transcendental. and it always makes things complicated. i just wish someone would try it out without crossing that line, because it could really be a powerful thing.

speaking of d. she was in love with me. brian thought i was evil for seducing her, but i felt like i didn't go out of my way to get her attention outside of revealing who i was. but i didn't want to sleep with her because i wasn't interested in her body but in the end, when i flat out said no, she got angry and betrayed me to her bulldog lesbian wife, claiming there was something going on. i was a little traumatized by it because i did nothing but try to help her and explain the power of projection for healing. but she wanted me to be a crutch, and she pulled me into a drama that was negative and dangerous for me. i refused to carry on anything in secrecy (if we're friends, why do i have to hide anything?, i asked her before hanging up), and never heard from her or her angry wife again. sometimes a memory will pop in my head and i'll wonder where she is in her life. just as i'm about to imagine, i realize i can't tell if i want a positive reality or a negative reality because i'm still hurt, but then i force myself to not be curious, so i don't imagine anything at all.

communication is being withheld with my childhood connection. it's okay though. like i told him. it's okay. it's like a river hidden in the forest of the mountains. you come to it, and float little paper boats away whenever you want. that's the beauty of it.

bruce lee in the light. bruce lee in the darkness. tigers have two colors.

Relief. Pure, simple, blissful relief.

That's how I felt when I nearly crawled into my house yesterday morning after a long journey home.

You ever have that experience where you really have to pee and for whatever reason, you're forced to hold it and you serious think, oh my god, is today the day i, as an adult, wet myself in public???? What? No? Yeah, um, me neither.

But if that were to ever happen, I imagine my feelings before I walked through my own front door were close to that.

And all I wanted to do was hug one of my walls like a child clinging to their mother before the first day after scary daycare.

That's why it's Friday night, and I'm happy to be sitting here at home. Doing nothing but cleaning to make my home as happy to be with me, as I am to be within it.

Taiwan.

What was it like? Great. Taiwan is great.

But I just knew I wasn't supposed to be there. In fact, it was like fingernails screeching across a chalkboard inside me at all times, this anxiety that I was in the wrong place and this was bad. This was very bad.

Even my brother was cranky, from the jetlag, from the MSG in the food...I'm not sure what. But he seemed to completely reject my being there, too. I wonder if he knew that I hadn't wanted to come, but the only reason I was there was because if I wasn't, he couldn't come either. He's been pretty independent as of late, and his mind seems to have jumped another level up in abstract, adult thought, so it doesn't surprise me that if this were the case, that he would resent my being there on this trip. I would represent just another way that my mom doesn't take him seriously as an autonomous being, even if she says she does (she doesn't). We did have one good day, the day that it was just the two of us, and he was in a great mood. And he seemed excited about when I would leave, calling up our aunt's friend to make plans to hang out (though he confided he was sad that I was going because he didn't know when he would see me again, but I reminded him that he was coming to my birthday party, which cheered him up).

The one thing I noticed that was really rubbing me the wrong way was how aggressive and noisy it was at all times. Not the city...my family.

My grandma and I have a funny relationship. She likes me a lot, I like her...in small doses. She's my mom's mom and here's the backstory. Her husband was a government official when the kids were young, an agency like the IRS. When an investigation exposed corruption, my grandfather took all of the blame to protect his boss who had a family and a reputation, and the power to protect his family while he was in jail, which he promised. So my grandfather goes to jail, and this guy does nothing, leaving my paternal great-grandmother and my grandmother to raise 5 kids on just one salary.

My mom's life was greatly influenced not only by being incredibly poor, but by the shame of having a father who was once a respected and feared member of society being in prison. It became like having a bullseye painted on your back, as they became fair game in their little town. Even her teachers would single her out for humiliation and beatings during class, but my mom said that the thing you always remember, is to never let them see you cry. You take whatever people want to give you, but you never, ever cry. This is what she taught me, even though in the privacy of my childhood bedroom, this strong woman would weep as she told these stories of vulnerability and pride against sadism.

So my grandmother had a tough life, and she's a tough woman herself. She was a beauty queen turned school teacher during an era when it was okay to take a stick to a child's hand who showed disobedience. I remember always being terrified of seeing her when I was little, not because she would hit me, but because she was critical. Oh yeah, she's a Virgo. Every meeting started with her sizing me up, and telling me what needed to be fixed. Usually it was my weight. Sometimes my hair, my clothes, my posture or my manners (she doesn't hear well so if you greet her, you keep doing it until you know for a fact she heard you). Sometimes if she felt you'd insulted her in some way, she would break out in this hysterically angry verbal attack that came out of nowhere (ie once she had said something to me and swore I had ignored her, and went off on me. I swear to this day, she never said anything to me). So I've always been a little afraid of her, and I've always been afraid of her criticisms.

So the thing I noticed in Taiwan, is that 1. She's mellowed out. But 2. She sets off these cycles of anxious energy attacks. Her way of speaking is sometimes an outright criticism or a passive aggressive comment. For example, she thinks my aunt is too fat. When I came, she noticed I'd lost weight and wanted to weigh me. When she saw my weight, she realized I was 20 lbs lighter than my aunt who just had 2 kids. She told me in front of my aunt, "You're not fat like your aunt." Later, my aunt whispered, "You're lucky. Grandma is quite satisfied with your figure." Later, she wasn't happy with some food we had bought her so she said, "Why would you buy food that tastes so bad? I guess I'll have to eat it anyway because there's nothing else."

What happens is these negative or passive aggressive comments cause this ball of anxiety in a person. I know because I felt it, but I didn't have the guts to say anything. But my mom and aunt, they do. So I'm sure they know nothing good comes out of responding, but what happens is they explode, and they get mad and yell things like, "If you don't like it, then don't eat it!" Yes, it's what all of us are thinking, but then out breaks a cat fight and everyone is yelling. My grandma feels picked on by my aunt, my mom yells at my grandma and/or my aunt to stop fighting. And my little 4-year old cousin yelling, "You're a bad guy!" at me because he wants to punch me.

I think this negativity is maybe the Chinese way. It's like Jewish moms and their guilt trips, but the Chinese are more overt, using negativity to toughen you up. When we were at a gym in Taiwan, my mom took a aerobic boxing class. Afterwards, she told me the instructor was saying things to the class like, "What are you doing? I didn't teach you to do it that way. You guys just can't do it right." Or, "If you don't get it by now, you shouldn't be in this class. I'm tired of trying with you guys." My mom was noting how she's never heard a teacher like that in the US speak to a class that way, and that they're usually really encouraging and positive. She realized that if a teacher spoke like that to a gym class in the US, she would get fired and said, "I guess Taiwanese people just talk like that, but it's not right. I guess I talked to you and Michael the same way, and it probably wasn't right." I didn't say anything, but I was thankful that she decided to go to the gym with me that morning since it allowed her to come to that realization.

So there were so many moments, through the negativity, criticism and outright fighting, that I would sit in the corner, close my eyes, and hit my fist against my forehead thinking, it's okay...it's okay. But I am happy to be home where it's quiet and I'm alone with the Julia I've nurtured over the years from the angry, critical, abusive voice into a nice, supportive, accepting presence when we're alone together.

I've been working hard to clean the house and throw out stuff I don't need. I think it's important when you begin a new chapter of life, to clear out clutter. Brian got a new bed, which makes me ecstatic because a lot of his cattiness comes from him being lonely (subconsciously self-imposed), and I like seeing that he's making room in his new, larger bed, which is symbolic and a positive step.

Lauren came over and she's stressed with her new job. She's like a spinning top who can barely see or hear you when she's anxious, so we watched her spin around our place. I quietly sent her some calming energy.

I slept for 14 hours last night (didn't sleep the night before), and dreamt of going to this other dimension where a Chinese Master in the middle of a jungle told me I had to learn martial arts in case I became the last One on earth. Then he trained me, first, with how to fight with a stick, because it represented balance. When I woke up, I realized I was whispering all of the Master's lines inside my head, like the Wizard of Oz. I woke up in time to have lunch with the guys I play basketball with. This was my first time really venturing out of the house, having unwrapped myself from its energy and my hands were shaking from too much sleep (I think my body thought I must have slipped into a coma). Everyone looked really good, really healthy. I still don't know where I'm going to work--it'll either be in LA or the Bay Area--but I'm thinking I want to either stay in LA or make it my base where I live part-time in the bay but LA is still home. Tracy joked that I wanted to stay in LA because of them. It's funny because when I weighed LA versus the Bay Area a few months back, they were one of the reasons that strongly attached me to LA, so he actually wasn't far off. I feel like at the end of the day, LA as a city may not feel exactly like home for me, but my living space and the people in my life are my home, which makes me reluctant to leave.

So tonight, I'll sit and spend time with my mormon temple, which brings me peace and inspiration. I wanted to go to the gym, but I'll probably take the night off, since I was doing 2 hours straight of cardio a morning in Taiwan just to burn off all that excess stress and energy.

Overall, I'm happy. I'm happy to be home, I'm happy to have good people in my life. I'm happy knowing that there are things out there that are tragic and unpredictable or deeply unsettling, but that to have had happiness and peace and to know what they are like, means that you can always find your way back to them, that you can always find your way home.

Barack.

I'm really glad the Flobots put up a new video for Handlebars:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuK2A1ZqoWs

I don't think they even expected themselves to hit so quickly. Before I left for England, they were just getting airplay and had no show dates scheduled outside of locally in Denver and right before I left, suddenly they were scheduled for the Troubadour for this Sunday. I knew LA would go nuts. I was going to buy a ticket before I realized I was in Taiwan, but now they're sold out. I want to see the pandemonium. LA loves to make idols, and LA loves to break idols. I hope these guys stay focused because I really like their passion.

What It Do!

Are you guys following the epidemic sweeping the world...the Salmon Dance?

Chemical Brothers Video (song featuring Fatlip):



and then they had a dance contest for the Salmon Dance:







and then existentially, the song seems to explain it's own phenomenon:



I seemed resistant to it at first, but then I realized I kinda liked that one. He reverses his image to play the other guy and made me feel like I really understood the characters...

mythology. vampires. the more i read about religion and the way different groups used power and propaganda to squash people who were truly spiritual, i wonder if the types 0f people symbolized by vampires started as a group that had a greater connection to the universe and understood things.

because i know i don't go anywhere unless i was invited. for these demons, it sounds like an awfully polite thing to do.

i read recently that the concept of the devil wasn't even a notion when the majority of major beliefs took hold.

i believe that there are people who fell off into space so they're no longer really a part of the collective anymore. and they don't like people who are still a part of it. but i think overall, people are born good. they just have to believe in it to make it a reality.

Juniper, don't be afraid of what you don't understand:

http://asia.cnet.com/crave/2008/06/06/a-robot-that-heals-itself/

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080606105454.htm

These are two of the funniest guys I know. One is Batman and the other has a heart of gold.

I'm pretty sure he says "the Hispanic guy from the Oriface."

Watch!

trust.

how can you ever completely trust anyone when no person completely knows another, especially considering a person's own inner universe is so expansive that they can never even completely know themselves outside of an overwhelming hunch?

trust is really faith.

but how to know which people really deserve faith?

or is faith the necessity because there's really no alternative...

do you take a person's word for it, their life story and its sum, even though you know that their word is not necessarily a reflection of their personal truth?

i don't believe in saints on earth. just flawed human beings doing their best to make sense of their worlds, some who try harder than others to set good examples.

i'm thankful for rie.

my mom used to always comment that in life, to even have one close friend whom you could tell anything to and trust with anything, is a great blessing. she's always believed that rie is this for me, and i've always been grateful for having her in my life.

i got off the plane and decided to call her. she'd been in japan and i couldn't remember exactly when she'd be back, but she was home, so i drove the couple of hours to lodi to spend time with her and eric.

it's good to be around people who are familiar, and to be able to say things that you otherwise wouldn't say. and as i heard myself say things, a great sadness came over me.

i don't like to cry in front of people outside of watching movies, but in my own private space, i try to never repress emotion. i think it's healthy to let them flow through you, since they are as much a part of you as everything else. and so the 2am drive home featured some intense emotions and thoughts.

there are so many things that people can say, "that's just life." but at the end of the day, you have to try to make your life your life. and if i know what i want, a life dedicated to discovering and uncovering knowledge, then i think that while my life may not be conventional, i can't give up that passion even if others try to pin their own expectations or hopes and dreams onto me.

my rule of anything in my life has always been...does something bring me more clarity, or more complication?