so tonight, let me tell you what went on.

brian's birthday party at here, gay bar in west hollywood. gay men love me.

but first, david suggested i spend more time with brian so i asked brian if he would come shopping with me to pick out my new sheets, even though i'd bought them already but he was excited about picking them out with me so i said i would return the ones i'd gotten. i want a new color scheme this year. we headed to bloomingdales, and we picked out the sheets and bought them from the saleslady he knew. i took the duvet he suggested though i was firm about the sheets i wanted, and he actually ended up saving me a shitload of money. that's how he proves he cares about people sometimes, being really helpful that way and it's sweet. so he tried to help me return the ones i'd gotten but i managed to confuse where i'd actually bought them from, taking him to the wrong department store. he called me a crack head. i'm just not really here right now where time, space, location is kind of a smaller picture illusion to me. i told him his cologne smelled really really fucking good. he forgave me because he knew i meant it and i told him i would return the sheets later that day, myself.

we went home and i snuck into the elevator to head out. he caught me and asked me where i was going. i told him to the drugstore. he asked me what for, and i evaded the question. haha, it's a game. i leave. he's sweet, he's so caring. i'm so evasive sometimes, but sometimes, i just like to be because i just enjoy my time alone. and go about my secret day. i met people. i saw people. sometimes people outright stare. i love people. i hate people. all this in single glances, entire dramas taken in in fleeting, intangible moments.

love. hate. lifetimes. all passed where only the aware remember.

i remember getting a large sum refund which the saleswoman had to go to another floor to retrieve.

that was a minor victory.

and all the unhappy or angry people i passed who felt like they were being constantly ignored by life. their reality. this world that they had created.

and the ones who hated me. and the ones who hated themselves.

and the ones who were free.

everything was so apparent.

i went to an art store and asked about a product and the clerk had no idea. so i bought it and knew i would make it work. and then i went home and with brian's encouragement (i know you're funnier than this), it's a little obscene. and personally, i do find it funny in a bigger picture kind of way of who cares, but how many people are actually big enough to perceive things that way?

it's all relative to people's individual perception and i hope no one gets offended because these kinds of things are small things, to me. my birthdays are never appropriate events, just events for people to let go and have fun.

i'm twisted up today because i'm in a different place, but i'm strong.

look, i made a grown man cry today. i made him understand what it meant for his soul to be free and he wept in joy and i kissed him and hugged him like we were old dear friends. i told him, you know the truth, so you pursue all that makes you happy because that's all that matters. and as tears fell around his brilliant smile, i wiped them away and tasted them on my lips and said, be happy. all that you were meant was to be happy. and i felt dizzy with that knowledge, dizzy with that absolute love that i felt for him in that very moment. and he said to me, i love you, julia. i only met you tonight, and i love you.and i knew that i loved him too. because he was me, and he was him and he was all of us, just like my single drop of water from the faucet, and he was everyone in this world that had hope for something better, something positive, something happier than anything we had ever dreamed, because in that moment, he was aware of himself. and i hugged him and said, i love you, too. i don't really know you, but i know you. and i love you. and i kissed him where his tears flowed and held him until they stopped.

he is a good person.

this is how things happen. you have to find me at the right moments where it's safe. you have to ask me the right questions, and i'll show you something, something that's really in you. but you have to know the right paths to find me, otherwise i'll be me, but not the me you seek. but for all honest seekers who were meant to find me, i have always shown the truth.