I think I was kind of a jackass growing up, in that I didn't "get it." I was super naive to the eggshell dance that is the law of social graces, this fearful way of living that creates a list of how people behave and present themselves towards one another, so everyone is in agreement of what can be expected of each other.

I didn't understand exactly how to fit in, that it was polite to coast under the radar of society and appear "normal," or how to be appropriate and acceptable, certain to offend no one. My mom told me yesterday that when I younger, I used to win at everything, and it would embarrass her because it would upset the other kids and piss their parents off which to her chagrin, I didn't seem to notice. So she would yell at me and tell me to let other kids win, sometimes not letting me participate unless we'd agreed upon what I was going to do and at what level. I vaguely remember an Easter egg hunt when I was 5 when I was proud for getting the most candy because I was quick and I was fast, but my mom was mad and made me give it all away except for one piece. I didnt understand why at the time, only that I must have broken some kind of rule but no one ever explained the rule. I think on top of immigrant issues or whatever, my mom just didn't want to piss other parents off. It's such an Asian thing, to be ashamed of being too good. That was probably one of my earliest lessons in the human ego, how you have to be careful of it as offending an ego in the wrong way creates resentment at best and throughout history, has started wars at worst. I view ego is one of humanities greatest (and most dangerous) challenges, and am personally, always trying to be careful if something within me is motivated by ego. Confidence is good. Ego is the need for domination out of insecurity or a feeling of lack.

I think the most honest life is one that emanates somewhere within the internal balance of positive intentions, an awareness of the collective which you are a part of and interconnected with, and a commitment to live a life based on the expression of the unique truth of who you are.
I think that when you find that your life and interactions are actually the results of "reactions," either reacting to what someone has done or said or what you perceive, of feelings of insecurity or negativity, or of an ego desire or injury, there's an underlying sense of imbalance and anxiety.

The strongest and calmest position in life I've found is to reach a place of true inner integrity and balance, with a trust in yourself that from this position, you will be able to positively handle the challenges that come to you externally.

As I hang in the balance between all that has collectively brought me to where I am, and the new era which lays before me, I want to share two pieces of knowledge that I came into this world with which I have known deep throughout the core of my being, knowledge that has been with me since even my earliest conscious memories. I think the two are left brain/right brain, logical/intuitive expressions of the same concept, a definition of the universe.

1. What is infinity small is the same as what as infinitely large. Micro or macro, whichever way we choose to search, we will eventually find the same thing. Everything is circular and what is in exact absolute opposition resides in the same place. There is a place where everything that exists expands so completely, that it all exists in one tiny dot of being.

2. My first visual memory is of a faucet. From this faucet comes one tiny, perfect drop of water which is so small, yet as I look into it, it inverts and it encompasses everything, including the faucet, me and everything in the universe beyond, yet without ceasing to be a single drop of water. I used to see this image before I fell asleep as a kid, and it would drive me crazy because it didn't make logical sense that this drop of water was both a small object in the world, yet it was itself, everything around it and also the entire world..everything. It would twist my brian, but intuitively, I knew what I was seeing was true and explained everything. I tried to explain this vision once to a classmate when I was 9, and she gave me such a look of disdain and called me "weird" with such disgust and venom, that I never told anyone about it again. I knew it was important knowledge, that it was real. But I didn't know why no one else seemed to know it, too.

And then recently, I read a quote from the Indian poet, Kabir:

All know that the drop merges into to the ocean, but few know that the ocean merges into the drop.

That just confirmed it for me, that in an ancient time, someone who had knowledge had also understood the same thing that I've spent my adult life trying to find a million languages to communicate so people will understand themselves. It's the truth. I think deep down, no matter how we visualize it or express it or even how we come to it, we know it because it's where we come from and what we are.

We can be as bad as we want, or as good as we want. It doesn't change the fact that we're still connected.