why does love make people put up with bullshit? i feel like balance has a hard time existing between people when emotions get involved. you're either on one side or the other, abusive or being abused. dominating or being dominated. i don't like being on either side. i dream of balance where two people in a love partnership just get along the way you do with your best friend. no one hurts anyone deeply and unintentionally. i suspect the pains have to do a lot with growth and motivating each other...sometimes that motivation to evolve comes out of conflict. but i don't like it. i definitely don't like being in a dominant role where i end up making people feel bad. i feel that if you don't get too intensely involved with people, you're more likely to live and let live and things don't get intense. but life doesn't really give you that choice, does it?

i just got back from the bay area. my mom kept bugging me, asking me if i was sad. why would i be sad, i would respond in the same exact way every time she asked. because your boyfriend left. do i seem sad? i asked her. no, she said. but then she adds, you always seem to know there are so many people out there and are always looking. i think you must be sad, but you're just hiding your emotions from yourself.

but she kept bugging me the entire weekend, asking me if i was sad. she was getting so repetitive like when michael calls me multiple times a day and asks me for my flight information just because he wants to feel secure that i'm really coming. i finally asked her what her problem was. nothing, she said. i bet you're sad.

i wanted to either shake her or give in.

i cried for a whole day, okay? is that what you want to hear?, i ask her in frustration.

the truth was, i didn't cry for a whole day. i just kept tearing up a bit uncontrollably the morning of, feeling like i was teetering on the edge of a cliff, while secretly, i couldn't wait for him to leave so i could be alone.

i bet you cried, she said with a smile of victory.

thanks, mom.

she was also driving me crazy by analyzing my party. she had looked at everyone at the party and decided which couples looked like they belonged together and would stay together and which ones she thought were mismatched. she brought it up again that if one of my friends wasn't with his girlfriend, he would surely be with me because his girlfriend loves him more than he loves her while she thinks a part of him has always loved me, but his girlfriend is good for him because she'll give him the stability he needs. i kind of hate it when she brings up that whole situation because while a part of me doesn't believe her, a part of me doesn't even want it spoken of because i don't want to get in any trouble even though i've never done anything wrong. it's just one of those things that should never ever be put on the table because it's not right.

she noticed which guys had been following me around a bit and told me which ones i should be careful of. i told her i had no intentions of getting involved with any one of them.

but the thing was, she'd intuitively noticed and commented about most of the men who were characters in my life, but the one that needed the most commenting. all she would mention of the subject was focused on getting me to admit i was sad.

she's mindfucking me.