don't cry
there's always a way
here in november in this house of leaves we'll pray
please, i know it's hard to believe
to see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees
you and me
and these shadows keep on changing

and i'm haunted
by the lives that i have loved
and actions i have hated
i'm haunted
by the promises i have made
and others i have broken
i'm haunted
by the lives that wove the web
inside my haunted head

hallways... always

i'll always love you
i'll always need you
i'll always want you

and i will always miss you

(poe)

man. difficult week. happy week but challenging week in my path. i've become spiritually disciplined with the concept of letting go, even though it never gets easier. but everyone has to remember, whatever happens is what was meant to be, and whatever is meant to be, if you let it unfold the way it needs to, will make you happy, even if it may not have been what you thought it would be. then you will understand the importance of letting things unfold the way they need to. trying to control or force things may earn you something that you think you want, but it may keep away something that you might truly want and completely enjoy if you had just been patient. you may be holding the consolation prize without knowing that you actually could have had the grand prize if you'd had a little more faith.

on a more internal topic, there's always two sides. and they don't always know each other or understand each other. they just have a way of coexisting, because there's no knowledge of any different reality.

i need that time alone. i need that space where i can reflect on why each side works at cross purposes because i don't want to live like this anymore, but a part of me knows if i want to gain the things i want to gain, i must.

to love everyone, without them knowing it

to love no one, without them knowing it

have i not spent my life being diplomatic enough? have i not found compromises within the overview of who we are to make all factions appeased? it's time to stand before the great awareness and within its mirrors, see.

june 18th. i just knew i had to be ready for it but it looks like i'm backed up by corresponding signs. this was always to be the day of the reckoning.

and so i stand before you with my truth.

i am a good person. i am a great person. i am so greatly beyond human that i am more human than human. i am a magician. i am an illusion. i am empty inside. i am a liar.

i've learned how to love everyone to mask the hidden torture that i can love no one. i am not proud.

the only thing i can do is to see so greatly the good of another human being on an abstract level, that i can never fully see them as the flawed yet uniquely beautiful human being standing before me, because to connect with a person and see EXACTLY who they are and yet feel nothing inside...fills me with deep, private sorrow.

so i look at you, so deeply in a way that makes you feel so full, so loved, so that you will not see my emptiness.

i am most ashamed that people try to give me more love and heart, believing it will open doors that allow me to pour forth my own depth of feelings. i hope some day it works. but it worries me that my hopes of someday finding this rich emotional river inside me may just be the dream of an optimist, and that perhaps, for some people, it doesn't exist.

what am i like in my new days as 30?

unbearable. insatiable. heaven and hell. remorseful.

last night i was called abusive.

he didn't mean it but i'd provoked him until he fell off a cliff.

and finally i found a word that could really cut again. it was sad i had to hurt someone that i loved so much to get him to give it to me, but i wanted it weaponized. i wanted it there whenever i wanted to destroy something beautiful.

it's just a word. loaded with pain, given to me by someone who loves me, so i could always instantly get in touch with pain. in return, i gave him the love i manage to muster in short spurts; not quite the river i search for, but it's the best i can do in honest effort--i gave him all the love i had in me.

it's not right to be like that. but you have to remember, it's not a choice because i wouldn't choose this; I try my best to live with it, to be the person i can be given who i am. but you must remember, i had said that once you've had happiness and peace, you will always be able to find your way home. on the flipside, once you've had pain and suffering, despite all the happiness and contentment in the world, despite all the success and reward, you'll always be able to find your way home.

what? didn't think the shadow has its own home?

i told him i can't be held down. that i have to be free to search for the thing i need that i'm searching for.

why can't i be your everything, he asked me.

i wish he could understand he doesn't have to be. if he could understand that, i will always come back to him.

sometimes when i'm alone, i stare out at the sky as it deepens into the night, and i find tears falling. it feels purely mechanical, like a runny nose after a run in cold weather and i let them come, dripping, sliding, falling into the dark spaces around me, until the reservoirs run dry and life begins its motions again. in these moments i'm very still, like a witness caught in a sudden tropical storm.

i need a lot of time alone so that i can be good to you.