Crossroads--rent out my place in LA or not.

I talked to a realtor who said I can get minimum $3700 a month for renting the whole place out, which would cover the mortgage and other costs, but it would mean Brian would have to move out, and I would be giving up the only place that's ever felt like a home to me to strangers. But on the other hand, I'm paying a lot of money for a place where I'm not living, a place that's also my most valuable asset. Right now, it's my safety net, my place of retreat, but it's costing me money when it could be making me money.

I usually make the practical decision, which tells me to rent it out and if I want to go back to LA, to just rent a studio or something. But more likely than not, this means I won't go back to LA anytime soon if I don't have my home anymore. I was never that into LA. I was mostly into my actual home, which was one of the most peaceful places I've ever found. I talked to my mom today and she thinks I should hang on to it. She said to talk to Brian about upping his rent so that I can get the barebones costs covered, because end of the day, he's like family and we've been living together for so long, that if I decide to go back, it'll be really hard to find a roommate that I get along so well with. But then I've always wondered if we use our relationship as a crutch...that as long as we're living together, we won't start the lives we should be starting with actual partners. We're inhibiting each other because it's so easy for us to continue the way we are...common law partners in a sexless relationship, bonded by our love of making fun of other people as a way to mask our own underlying loneliness.

Secretly, I think this would be my ideal--rent out my place to people who want it furnished so I don't actually have to move the furniture. Hopefully these people actually pay their rent and pay it on time (my mom worries about nightmare stories she hears where people stop paying, and in the months it takes to go through the eviction process, you end up losing more money than you made overall). Put the extra money into paying down the principle on the mortgage so I can own it sooner. In a few years, when I've done the things I want to do and hopefully have by my side the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, we'll have a very nice place in a very nice area of LA as an option to live. If not, I'll have a strong piece of investment property. But seriously, that place has some of the best energy in LA.

I don't know. I've been living there since it was built. It has my energy and only my energy, and everyone who's been there has commented on how great the energy is. That place is as much me, as I am a part of it. Like I said, it's the only place I've ever found that really felt like a home to me. The only problem I have in LA is I get kind of lonely down there because my family and closest friends are in the bay area, while it's more superficial acquaintances in LA.

God, this is hard. It's hard because it's both a practical decision as well as an emotional one.