first of all, i sucked today. went 2 for 7 and missed the shots i should have made. it was all psychological. every time i was open and took the shot, i would have a sudden worry that my teammates think i'm selfish for not passing, even though i started the game with 2 assists. i'm my own worst enemy. i have this specific issue about people thinking i'm selfish, and sometimes, it takes me away from me at my best. at least i had 4 blocks, which made up for it. i love blocking shots. and the refs love me. me and the bruthas. they love witty, athletic girls. but i was really irritated with my play overall. we lost by two in the final seconds. if i had made at least two of those shots...

i think this is why i don't play organized sports. it ends up consuming me. and then i go so far out into intensity that i end up sacrificing my body and getting hurt. this was always a problem. my intensity would be fine if i were playing college or pro, but there's no point in putting myself at risk when it's purely recreational. after the game, i was thinking about how i could improve, and went to the gym directly from the game to work on conditioning. i take sports seriously as though i'm trying to go pro, when really, i just want to keep improving. i want to be really good. i get so down after a mediocre or bad game. but this isn't going anywhere. so what's the point of me being so obsessive about it? but it's like i can't stop myself. anything i put my mind on, i get so passionate.

and now another night where i can't sleep. this is torture.