you know what the thing is? i've always been nice to my uncle. i always forget that there's been any bad history, unless he does something in the present that enflames all those feelings again. i can always make him laugh, and accept that he thinks of me as "crazy" as a win because at least he doesn't think of me as "dangerous" anymore, and that's how i disarm the distrust. and i've always hoped that he and my dad could put the grudge away and at least be civil towards each other. at least be able to be in the same room. i usually cook the whole thanksgiving spread and we have a big banquet party at our house, but since i was in amsterdam working cannabis cup during thanksgiving last year, i cooked the christmas spread instead. i personally called up my uncle and invited him, but it turned out he was secretly having surgery to remove a tumor in his throat that night, so the whole family couldn't come. i even offered to pack up food so they could have a homecooked meal at the hospital. so he can never say i haven't had good will towards him. well, he probably does say it, but for him to believe it would be kind of delusional.

but sometimes, people don't see people, or individual efforts. they see sides. like sometimes, i can tell when my mom and dad are fighting about something to do with work, because i'll talk to my dad and he'll just get mad at me for some vague or inappropriate reason just to say, "you're just like your mother." it used to be terrorizing when i was younger, to be at the receiving end of this irrational and hot, hot anger, but now i know, he's just projecting his anger at her on me. And because he assumes i'm usually on her side, he's angry at me, too. it doesn't come from lack of love. it comes from lack of trust. lack of clear perspective on the situation.

i know i'm guilty of it, too. i have a rivalry with a cousin. but he's close with my dad. and whenever he does something that i perceive as him clearly trying to provoke me, my dad always stands up for him, and then i angrily lash out at my dad, because i feel like he should be on my side.

humans.

we're such powerful, immense beings. yet all it takes is the smallest, pettiest things to bring out our flaws.

but it's this contradiction, the great potential and the great imperfections that define humanness. the best we can do, is do the best we can.