i don't go fast. i go big. when you catch me in my natural state (more so at night), i'm moving things around me very fast, but if you look into my eyes, i'm completely fixed. the speed is an illusion. it's the power to make things move by remaining very still. but i feel compelled to disguise this unless i am very comfortable. i don't really like the world to go too fast because my core is slow. powerful but slow.

the reason i am cautious of connections is because people are always robbing me blind. i don't think they mean to, but when i decide i want to give, i give until the person stands up and is in a good place. but some people aren't looking for a boost, but rather, an energy source like an IV, so they pretend they're trying to stand up, but they end up draining me. since david, i've been good about recognizing these types and avoiding the initial connection. to be honest, that 47 year-old guy and his hostile greedy refusal to take no for an answer was symbolic of what compelled me to move to seattle--i needed a place where i can connect on my terms. i don't judge why people drain in an unhealthy way, the intentions behind this run the spectrum of motivation and intent, but from a purely problem solving point of view, i've had to be more conscious of relationship dynamics and be careful that i fully understand the connection as it develops. particularly when i'm being compelled to give and it's a strong and pure energy source, i have to receive something back so i can balance what i'm giving. sometimes all i need back is a conscious understanding and appreciation that something greater is happening, and honoring that.

i feel compromised in the day time. the sun still gives me hell unless i wear a hat, which i like to do anyway when i don't want people having a direct line at my eyes. it's like when an off-duty taxi turns his light off. it means i'm taking in, not giving out. but i can tell i'm not complete. like being not as sharp...half of me hasn't fully come through into this world. that's why i appreciate a great sunset. it's like an opening ceremony. when the sun goes down, i get the best of both worlds--i have beautiful light without direct sun to gather myself in peace before moving into night where i am closer to myself and can do the greatest good.