i had to take a break from writing because i kept looking at that picture of andy garcia and giggling.

here's the story behind andy garcia.

recently, in the book twilight watch, an Other visits a man by disguising himself as a russian actor from the 1950's. as soon as i read that, i thought, "like andy garcia!!"

it's really that dude who is always meeting me in dreams, the one so familiar he precedes time...every once in a while, he shows up masked as andy garcia. i don't understand why, but he does.

it usually happens if i'm feeling down. i'll dream of being on a beach on an overcast day and finding a beach house. i immediately recognize the man with all of the joy inside me because he is the man who precedes time. except he looks like andy garcia. but in this form he's like a mentor, taking care of me and helping me heal. he gives me words of wisdom and i am rejuvenated.

so even though i had seen andy garcia's face and eyes, i knew they were a mask for someone else, so all those feelings were for that person, not andy garcia. but i respect him because he reminds me of something very powerful and healing. in college, i always reviewed his films kindly.

(note: i actually ran into him last year. it was my first night home from my first resident tour of amsterdam, feeling like i'd come home from war. brian had planned to go to the madonna concert that night, but it was also the night of a giant protest against the veto of gay marriage. so the concert started late (as i joked, all the gays were in westwood, so they had to wait for them to fight traffic to the other side of the city, otherwise there would be no audience), but it was amazing. it was at dodger stadium, and the positive energy just echoed. she's actually a very powerful performer. brian left for a while and then came back, telling me i should walk down to the front of the section and look up, because it was a completely different experience there. so i walk down and as soon as i get to the bottom rail and turn, the entire stadium opens up. running 360 towards the sky,screaming people radiating amazing energy like one, giant, pulsating creature. it was this amazing feeling of being able to see the parts that make the whole, including yourself, and the synergy as it sparked off into the night sky. i was turning in circles, looking up, a giant smile on my face. and despite how trying the last few months had been, all this was rejuvenating me, making me feel powerful again. i was so happy. i turned, and turned, and when i looked down, sitting in front of me was andy garcia (and his wife). we looked at each other, eyes connecting. i stared; he stared back.

i ran back to my seat, stunned. i didn't say anything, terrified about protecting the meaning.)