I'm reviewing this year's blog stats and noticed January was a high number as well. That makes sense because I was detoxing from destructive chemistry. But I found a post where I listed out things I'm looking for in a partner, points that still ring true and I feel are important for me to keep conscious. This must be why very few guys look very "shiny" to me anymore, and I let the majority of the "river" pass. I've gotten locked in on what is ultimately good for me:

Saturday, January 24, 2009

woken up the last 3 days to find myself spooning a cat.

i am, of course, the big spoon.

getting used to sleeping alone. probably realizing how much more together my life has been than i've ever been able to give myself credit for, but i have a lot more going for me than most people and i have to stop messing around with weak people because i'm hiding from my own strength and potential.

there are a lot of things and people and bad habits i haven't got time for anymore. i find that i'm still a pretty nice person, but i just don't have time for bullshit anymore. i don't want to fix anyone's life, and i don't need anyone messing around in mine. everyone should be accountable for themselves...that's just the way it should be. everything else, ie human connection and companionship, is just the icing.

i recognize i'm missing my partner. i realized the agenda i made a couple of years ago for the year of fearless living, it helped a lot in that life gave me exactly what i put on that list, even if it came in the form of challenges which i actually asked for. so it's all good. but seeing the power of lists to help me focus, these are what i want in a partner:

1. a strong man. not a hard man. a strong man who is integrated and self-aware so that he knows when to be strong and when to be vulnerable. it takes a lot of inner strength to be vulnerable. so many men who are actually weak inside confuse being hard with being strong. i meet a lot of guys like this because they tend to like strong women, but then they can't handle them, can't really be with them. i need a truly strong man.

2. a man with big dreams and the ability to make them a reality. many have dreams, few have follow through. it's easy to be given something and make more of it. it's harder to take nothing--a thought, an idea, a desire--and make it into a reality. i'm one of those people who can. i need someone else who can as well. no more big talkers. only doers.

3. a man with a big heart filled with warmth, compassion, humor and kindness. yes, i know i tend to think of leos as boring, but leo energy is quite expansive and uplifting. it's the best part of me, and it should be the best part of him. that energy that makes those around him better.

4. warm expressive eyes, a million watt smile. dark hair, dark eyes. it's just what feels like home.

5. a man who's happy to see me shine. a man who is confident enough in himself that he can be happy for me and my own successes, just as i will be happy for him and his successes. someone who wants me to be me at my best, at my most charismatic and energetic, and is proud. a man who never limits me with his own insecurities.

6. a man with pride in who he is and what he represents. a man of honor and integrity and dignity, who knows that a partnership is built upon a foundation of two whole and strong people to create something even bigger. someone who sees that anything is possible if you believe.

7. honesty. he will be honest, both with himself and with those close to him. he will know that sometimes life presents us with choices, and he'll be a man who respects himself and respects me enough to always stick to honesty and integrity, even if it's hard and even if it means facing things that are difficult to face. trust and honesty are the two basic tenets of a healthy relationship. my man will respect that and see this is a core necessity. he'll be strong enough to face difficult situations and still be open and honest. he'll trust me as a partner and treat me as his partner. this will show that he's worthy of trust.

8. a man who can see the short term and the long term, and whose vision includes both himself and others.

9. a man who's emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. a man who knows what it means to be up in life and down in life and knows that nothing is guaranteed. and that so many things in life of value need to be worked for, so he's not afraid to work hard, and respect those around him because life is complicated and people are complicated but at the end of the day, it's reality. you make the most of what you've got, and you have to create or cocreate your success in life, including relationships.

10. a man who is relationship oriented. all of human interaction is in the relationship. if you respect relationships, you respect other people, you'll respect your own relationship with yourself. relationships are built and nurtured. no way around it.

11. a man who is family oriented. a man who strives for success and financial freedom and stability, but who also understands the importance of family. i have an amazing, warm, supportive family. a family of strong personalities yes, but a family with lots of love and protective kinship. i want my partner to have a strong, loving family background as well so he knows the meaning of acceptance and love.

12. he must be passionate about me. because i will be passionate about him. he must know that i am the only one for him, because he will be the only one for me. the relationship will be mutually committed because there's no desire for anything else. it will be incredibly sexually compatible and emotionally safe. we will bring out the best in each other.

13. he will love me as much as i love him. that's a lot of love and it will benefit and positively change even those around us.

14. he will want to get to know me and want me to get to know him on the deepest of levels.

15. preferably, he will be more of a night owl than an early riser.

16. he's an inherently happy, optimistic person. nothing is scarier than a deeply unhappy person. we all have our ups and downs but people who are deeply unhappy...it's almost a character flaw. these people have no desire to become happier and will turn down or rebuke any attempt from others to help them find happiness. deeply unhappy people prefer to stay unhappy. they dig bottomless holes. they're quite dangerous to anyone who wants to live a happy, fulfilling life. i need someone who is a happy person, because it's inherently happy and optimistic people who are able to be strong and keep their heads above water in times when life gets really difficult.

17. he must be a man. so many men don't seem to understand what a man is. it is not being hard. it's not going through the motions. it's not saying what you would like to do or how you would like to be seen, but having no substance with which to back it up. being a man is about taking responsibility for yourself first and foremost, about knowing when to be strong and when to be gentle. about knowing that when life is difficult, you don't run away. about knowing that if you love someone, you should treat them as such. being a man means being composed of the highest moral fiber, and knowing when to admit a mistake and when to forgive yourself or others. being a man means knowing you're human, but still wanting to be the best person you can be and doing right by yourself and others. i really don't have time for anyone unless they're a man, first and foremost. all the boys in the world have used up my patience.

18. he is someone i can look at every day and know that he is the one. he is the one who is the answer to my question and to which i am the answer to his question. he's the one i've been looking for, and i'm the one he's been looking for. i've almost got myself in the right position. and when i do, he will find me and he'll already know, and the way i'll know is that he's going to ask the right questions.