i definitely have the life i have and the experiences i have because i am alone. today was one of those. weaving through crowds. heads turning. rough-looking men saying wow. and me, feeling like a towering wall that blots out the sky, focused only forward, music in my ears, disconnected. my hat pulled down low so no one could see my eyes, feeling like i could go weeks without opening my mouth and forming a single word to another human being. except when i see children. then i step out of the world to smile.

i was not particularly friendly today. i was not unfriendly, but today was a day where i wanted to belong only to me.

i received some serious information yesterday. i am going to have to be strong from november to august. it looks like still no partner through the upcoming year, and a time of isolation. i've been advised to let everything go except for getting through this period. everything must funnel through mind and words. this sounds like i'm going into the forest for another test. i hope when i see everyone on the other side, they will be smiling.

sooner or later, universe, i will have earned the place for a partner who is on my level.