Granted, I've never played in an adult women's basketball league (the Jewish one in LA where the ages ranged from 13-45 and half of them were in long orthodox skirts didn't quite count), but I was a bit perplexed when I checked our schedule and saw the games had spreads. Basically, out of our doubleheader tonight, our first opponent was favored to win by 7 points, and the second was favored to win by 4. What's that about? Are people betting on us? And these were the first games of the season. They don't even know us!

Well, I suppose we were the underdogs because we're the team made of individuals. Thus the team name they gave us, "Indy Loop." I liked the name of our second opponent -- Motorboats for America. It makes me think of big breasts and lesbians with a sense of humor.

Our team ranged from college students in their early 20's to 30 year olds. No in-between. This girl, Cecilia, and I were the only ones who knew each other...I'd learned about this league from Cecilia after playing with her frisbee team that one weekend. I like Cecilia. She's a great point guard, hustles and drives through the lane like a very muscular bullet. Her reckless speed actually scares the hell out of me, since I'm the veteran with 5 knee surgeries. She's had two. We're two wild and crazy girls.

The first team we played were assholes. They were big, meaty girls, and they played dirty. I got hacked so hard on a drive that everyone stopped playing expecting a foul, but they didn't call it. Later on, I drove and had my defender beat so she stuck her knee in my pivot leg's thigh and gave me a charly horse. I hit the floor and had to come out of the game for the final minutes to walk it off. That's terrible. Stuff like that's how people get hurt. But the good news was, I played fairly in control, made the first 3 baskets for our team (ended with 12 points), had a bunch of steals, a couple of assists, and stole the ball and banked a shot over two defenders at the buzzer to tie up the game at halftime. We still lost by 7, just like the spread. That's crazy.

The 2nd game, the girls were really cool. They had a cheering section and they kept laughing and giggling, which made it such a lighthearted, fun game compared to the first. The problem was, they were laughing but still playing intensely, while we were laughing at how they were laughing and getting distracted. We lost by 12.

By the way, I wanted #29, which wasn't available so I'm playing as number 12. :) Look at me, harnessing the power of Seattle. I would get this happy, giant grin every time the ref blew his whistle and said, "Foul on Blue! Number 12!"

There's this guy I see at the gym every day. He's an amazing shooter and works out twice a day nearly every day. He's always challenging me to HORSE. Sadly, I know this because sometimes I work out twice a day (basketball in the morning, cardio to read/watch DVDs on the machines at night). Two weeks ago, we were playing 2 on 2 and we crashed into each other. His shoulder hit my jaw and it felt like a near dislocation. I heard a crunch in my right eardrum and I was dizzy, and it hurt to chew for a couple of days. My neck was also sore for a while. But it wasn't so bad at the time, just one of those things when you play basketball. And I had stayed in the game to get the win.

So I haven't been playing basketball since then, taking it easy, but I went into the courts yesterday to practice a little with the girls ball to prepare for the league. Of course, he was there, and I told him that I'd just been taking time off to heal. I was telling him about the league, and he asked when and where it was, then said he'd come out and check it out, if I didn't mind. I told him that I imagine watching a girls rec league game would not be really exciting at all, but he really wanted to. Also, the games are in another city, about a 20 min drive. In the back of my head, I'm thinking that a guy would only want to do that if he liked the girl. But the thing is, this guy has got to be in his 40's. And since everyone in Seattle thinks I'm 25-26, it seems kind of crazy to me that he's seriously interested in me.

Our 2nd game was supposed to start at 9pm, but I guess it started early, ending at 9:20. We were doing a team wrap-up when I saw him in the corner. I went up to him and he said he thought the game started at 9. So he walked me out and I'm thinking, if he asks me if I want to grab food or something, I'll say that I have to write, because I don't know what to make of this. And when I don't know what to make of something, I tend to be very nervous in a one-on-one situation. But in the parking lot, he just said he thought it would be interesting to watch and that this gym was really hard to find. We small talk, then part with a, see you around at the gym.

I have no idea. Maybe he really was just interested in watching women's rec league basketball.

I called my mom in the car to ask her about it and this was The Jean's comment--"He's too old so there's no point in even talking about it." *sigh*

I hadn't called her to have her scope out if I should date the guy. I think I was just worrying about an impending awkward conversation, because my first thought as I was driving away was that I'm going to switch my gym schedule just in case. Just in case what? I guess I'm afraid of awkward things being put on the table. Of someone wanting something from me which I can't give. And that terrible split feeling I get in those moments, where I feel bad for disappointing them or hurting their feelings, but I also feel embarrassed that I would be so presumptuous to think their feelings might be hurt or they might be disappointed. I wish I knew how to navigate these feelings. But then I think, why am I so afraid of guys? So what if a guy likes me? I'm lucky. And they're a positive. I act like it's the scariest thing in the world. When really, even if a guy likes me, I take it as a compliment and if I'm not interested in him romantically but he's cool, I usually would be happy to have another friend, that is, as long as he's willing (some guys will like a girl but if she's not romantically interested, will have no desire to be friends). I think it's because I like having male friends, but it's always such a rarity to really be able to have a true friendship, once it's on the table that one of the people is romantically interested. I think for a friendship to work out, usually either he has to be in a relationship (because I'm usually not), or we both have to be in a relationship, or we have to be a part of the same group of friends. And we both have to value the friendship over any other kind of possible attraction, so the initial attraction eventually mellows out. I think if I weren't someone who gets so much anxiety over the potential of hurting someone's feelings, this wouldn't even be a thought. I wonder if it gives other people as much anxiety? One thing I always noticed about Jennifer Aniston in all her roles was how good she was at turning guys down, how she did it in such a sweet, complimentary way, it was never a big deal. I'v always wanted to be able to do that, be better about doing that.

Like the guy in the bar on Sat. I was really flattered, but kind of terrified, because I didn't know what to say, I didn't feel particularly attracted to him, but if I could have talked to him without it being weird, I would have. But it's a delicate, diplomatic skill to maneuver those kind of encounters, and one that I currently handle about as well as someone with mittens trying to grab a flopping fish. I'm better than I used to be, though. I don't look stricken then run away. Well, not since that one time in August.

Having uncomfortable conversations which maneuver around expectations to derive a mutual positive. Learn how to dole out rejections better, learn to take rejections better. Learn to not let anxiety override my brain and say or do things that aren't aligned with what I want and or that don't show a kind consideration and sensitivity to others. Handle things respectfully that does not allow room for others to disrespect or second guess my wishes, and does not disrespect the feelings and wishes of others. I would really, really like to be better at that.