So this is trippy.

A few weeks ago I wrote this post:

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Names that resonate for me:

Adrian
Cameron
Miles
Ian

and most importantly,
Ames

Most of the -ian's make me pause and observe though. Not the -yan's (like Ryan, Bryan), but the -ian's.

streamed by 3am wanderer - at 1:58 PM

*****
I had originally posted it with a different last line-- Most of the -ian's make me pause and observe though. Not the -yan's (like Ryan, Bryan), but the -ian's (Adrian, Ian, Sebastian, etc).

But the next day, I reread it and erased the last part because of the name Sebastian. I have never met a Sebastian or had thoughts of the name recently...the name just popped up as I was writing that post. But when I saw it, I didn't feel comfortable having it out in the open so I erased that line and reposted it. I get like that sometimes. I'll write something and think, I don't want to jinx anything, and I will hold it privately as something to keep an eye on, but I don't feel comfortable putting it into writing. I don't always know why or what I think might be "jinxed," but it's a feeling.

Then today, I was sitting in a bar in my pajamas, waiting to meet up with my cousin and her friends who were in town just for Halloween. I was people watching--there were some great costumes, like Beetlejuice, Mr. T and the Street Fighter guys. Some guys were dressed as bare-torsoed gladiators and their bodies were ridiculous, but they knew it, too, showboating, which takes a little something away. I was watching that group of guys and I could tell which one was the pack leader. I thought, I've never had the willingness to try seducing an alpha pack leader. I wondered if maybe that's my problem, that I like to be the silent observer, but I'm actually hiding a lack of confidence. Could I, if I wanted to? Or do I not because I sense there's no possibility for harmonious compatibility? I'm alpha but not an alpha derived from the hierarchy within a pack. I like male alphas, but usually the independent types--alpha in their own right but who can assimilate for the greater good. I have ambivalent feelings about creatures who move in packs but can only move in packs. I wondered if maybe that's my next challenge, part of my constant quest to expand my comfort zone. I need to feel comfortable approaching whomever compels me, understand if my hesitance is intimidation or an assessment of unlikely positive end result.

As I'm thinking about these things, I suddenly realize the song that's playing. Disturbia. Just like that night on the cruise when I had my sights set and I asked the DJ to play something more primal.

Disturbia...sometimes the darkness is the light.

I shot up straight, electricity buzzing through me. Is there an important connection here???

I looked around, methodically, scanning faces, looking for someone who captures me, possibly someone whom I would normally be too introverted to talk to. Someone I might recognize, within the face of a stranger. I saw a guy wearing a knit black cap, half in the shadows of the corner. Really nice smile, smooth skin, clean angles. He was talking animatedly with a mopey-looking friend in a tuxedo, in front of Elvis wearing a headset. Oblivious of me.

I always get really shy when I see a guy I want to talk to and don't want to stare, which results in me never looking at him at all. But I was looking at him and thought, "What are you gonna do, Julia? You can't just will a man over here." But that's exactly what I wanted. I was thinking about how I just wanted him to make things easy by coming over and talking to me, when I realized he was staring at me. I thought, maybe he's just looking in this direction. But then he walked over. I thought, "I guess I really can will a man over."

He was really nice, had an accent. I thought he was part black, part white, but he's from Mexico (I know...my friends always ask me what's up with me and international men. I have no idea). He asks me if I speak Spanish and I say, "un poquito." Then I remember how I'd decided in August that I should freshen up my Spanish, and wondering at the time if this was a sign I was preparing to meet a Spanish speaker. He's an engineer with Microsoft. He wasn't surprised when I said I was from California. "The most beautiful women in Seattle, when I ask them where they're from, they always say California. I guess it's what California is known for." He told me he thought I was from Seattle because I didn't smile at him when we looked at each other. I didn't want to tell him it was because I'm shy so I said, "Oh, I didn't know you were looking at me." (Technically true. I wasn't sure). And then he introduced himself. I had him repeat his name twice so I could be sure. Sebastian.

Weird. That was the specific name that resonated hard for me weeks ago and had been on my mind, but which I'd chosen to keep private. We were talking and this other guy was hanging over my shoulder watching me, a faint smile in his eyes. Despite me being in mid-conversation with another guy, he leans over, taps me on the shoulder and says, "I don't want to seem rude, but is this guy your boyfriend?" "I'm in my pajamas," I said, diplomatically. "I'm pretending this is my living room and you guys are all my guests. So we're all friends here." He tells me that he'd been watching me sitting here from across the room, and he didn't want to sound corny but he thought I was the most beautiful woman in the room. Radiant.

Let me remind you, I'm wearing pajamas. Not even sexy pajamas. Literally, just pajamas like it's a Wednesday night on the couch. So I thank him, but I'm in the middle of talking to someone already and then there's another even cuter guy at the end of the bar wearing a gray knit cap who's staring and smiling, and I know from that guy's smile he's young and devilishly bad news, but oh, I'm still learning how to stay away from trouble. I'm feeling overwhelmed...there are just too many things going on that are stripping my attention. So I go back to talking to Sebastian, because I was talking to him first, but this guy just stands there over my shoulder, waiting. Smiling patiently. Staring. He tapped me again a few minutes later and asked if he could buy me a drink. I thanked him but politely declined, saying I was just having water. He said, "Ooooh," like he thought maybe I was a recovering alcoholic who had to stay dry, and I told him it's because I already had one drink and I'm a lightweight waiting for friends, so I had to pace myself. The truth is, I don't like accepting drinks. I don't want to feel obligated to having to talk to someone, or having someone feel I owe them anything.

So he just kept standing there. Waiting with that smile and staring. Even though I was still talking to another guy. My cousin and her friends showed up. We were catching up and Sebastian got sucked up into our group, which I was happy about because then I could talk to other people while being able to take a step back and observe him. I mentioned to my cousin that the guy standing behind her had been lurking for over an hour now, and I didn't know what to do. She turned around and he started talking to her. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she grabbed me and told me that the guy said I was the most beautiful woman he's seen in a long time and asked her how he could get to know me better. I said, "Long time? Since what? Prison?"

She joked, "Ham [her boyfriend] said he's probably a rapist. What do you do to these guys that make them go so crazy over you?" "I don't know," I tell her. "I'm in my pajamas at a bar. It makes no sense."

That guy continues to stand there at the edge of our group for the rest of the night. I kind of ignore him because I don't know what to make of it. And then he suddenly disappears. So weird.

Sebastian asked me for my number at the end of the night and I told him I don't give out my number. He gave me his. My cousin's friends really liked him since they'd been hanging out with him while I caught up with my cousin. He's a Scorpio. You should have seen my jaw hit the ground; in a recent post I picked up on an incoming Scorpio.

It's hard for me though. So many paper lanterns. So many connections are karmic work assignments--each person has something to teach, each has something to learn, and then they move on. Some are to walk with you for a certain amount of time, or at a certain distance. But they all spark the same initially. Sometimes they're sign posts to get me to the next place, sometimes they're reminders to not get lazy and "fall," sometimes they're just for me to help someone and gain wisdom in the process. The synchronicities don't always add up to what I'm hoping they will some day add up to, but they're always important for the process. The trick is to know where they and their function lay in the process.

I have to be really careful with things that feel "fated." I usually note the things that set off sparks in my mind, but carefully observe so I can get a feel for who a person is and why we have connected. I always say the hardest connection is the one where you feel fated when you meet someone, it comes as such a strong passion that mimics love/lust, but you've met just to learn how to get away from each other. And that lesson can only be challenging if it's incredibly hard for you to WANT to get away from each other, even though it's clearly necessary. This lesson is valuable in that it makes you face how strong you can be, how willing you are to do what's best for yourself, and how important it is to trust your intuition. Sometimes, the universe sends you a person who triggers your synchronicity alarm, but just because it's fated doesn't mean it's yours to keep. Sometimes, it's the lesson that is fated, the meeting, not the person. Sometimes a soulmate comes to give you a rude awakening, or help you with a learning exercise versus to walk the rest of life with you. The key is to observe consciously and trust your intuition. Trust that you have your own best interests at heart.

I will say tonight was an intriguing night. Will I call him? I told him that I'm someone who does what I say, so if I say I'm going to call, I will. I do want to talk to him, see why this happened. Would love someone to talk to, if we connect mentally. But I'm still looking for something specific. I'm still looking for something that's mine, and I'm careful about continuing to expand my world and make the connections, but to not get distracted.