random notes from this week.

a. i have a habit of turning on a tv or putting on a cd in one room, and then wandering into the office to write. then as i'm writing, a part of me is listening to the cd or listening to the tv in the other room. it's like i've unconsciously learned how to use electronic distractions to babysit my inner kid while i work.

b. fight or flight. yes, we know all about that one. but ever since hanging out with colin last year, i'm convinced there's also a fuck or fight dynamic between people, no matter their genders. i think it runs along what the mars energy symbolizes...sex and aggression run through mars and when energy starts generating between people, they will either fuck or fight, though which one often being to the surprise of both parties involved.

c. i'm a cardio junkie. i played two hours of basketball today, then did an hour of cardio and grudgingly some weights. then i went home and took the best shower, and proclaimed to brian that i feel like i just had the world's greatest orgy. it can really feel that good sometimes.

d. last month's villain at the gym was really nice today. so much so, i kept doubting it was the same guy. however, this little punk who looked like the dude from creed was being a dumbass. he kept trying to get into our game and then was trying to organize a 5 on 5, but when this one guy wanted to pick me up for the game, he said, "she's on your team then."

hmmm. did you...did you just say what i think you said?

i didn't really want to play anymore because i had played pretty intensely on sunday and i had tweaked my ankle in the previous game. but as i walked over to monitor the situation, the guy i had been playing with said he wanted me on his team, but the dude from creed called someone else over and said that he was going to be their 5th. my guy said, i already picked her up. and the dude from creed was trying to dismiss it by saying, she's not playing. so my boy comes over and says, 'you're playing right?'

and i looked him in the eye and said calmly in a low tone, 'now i am. and i'm gonna fuck him up.'

he looked at me for a second to see if i was kidding, then said, 'let's fuck him up.'

he was doing everything he could to not be assigned to guard me. but the problem is the little guys hate guarding me because i'm physical, or maybe the universe had already cornered him for me. i was looking at him like bait in a fish tank and nobody was letting him take their place.

the first play of the game, my guy found me on the wing and i hit that shot over scott stapp with the stupid haircut. first basket. it's always worth more.

he looked irritated and tried to beat me on offense, but i easily got in front of him. his man had the ball on the right perimeter and i knew his guy was going to shoot, but punkass decided he was going to cut in hopes of a pass. so i saw him coming down the lane looking for the pass as the shot went up and i just did what i've always done best...boxed out.

i timed it just right to bounce him off my ass onto the ground. my my he was pissed.

the next play down, he came right at me and tried to post up on me. nothing makes me more irritated than a scrawny guy who thinks he can post up on me. so i got low and pushed him out of the key, then pulled the chair on him. oops.

i could have posted up on him but i couldn't tell if he's a quick learner and figured out the chair pull. so i drove on him...showing him who had the first step. didn't make it but that didn't matter. he'd been beat.

the next time down he came over and under the guise of scrambling for position, he shoves me in the neck. i reflexively throw an elbow at his ear that misses, which was good because it would have broken out into an open fight. all of a sudden, he gets slammed by someone. i look up and it's the guy who'd apparently agreed to be my sidekick. he winks. then he reaches out his hand and picks creed boy off the ground, saying, 'sorry, that was a foul. my fault.'

i'm laughing. thanks, man.

the rest of the game the guy avoided any confrontations but he didn't take another shot. i scored on him a couple of times but i was humble about it. i'd already made my point.

don't fuck with me.

I love Bill Simmons. I don't know why more women aren't openly declaring his writing style mind-tickling.

Then I became curious so I googled, "I love Bill Simmons"

And found this:

http://www.scriptedsports.com/10_19_07_simmons.html

Which is...wow. Good competition.

this is one of the funniest basketball articles this year:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080326

"And if that's not enough, Gregg Popovich went a long way toward erasing the bias against coaches who don't wear ties during games and look a little sloppy. ... Every time he's yelling at a referee, he looks like some drunk guy at a Martha's Vineyard wedding who's furious that the open bar just closed and eventually has to be restrained by two in-laws."

pictures from germany are up on my myspace.

I had a dream last night that I left my world, my "movie" to participate in another one. I was young again, maybe in college, maybe not but I wasn't working or going to class. I had borrowed my parents car, but when there was a problem with the tires, I abandoned it and asked some girls to pick me up. They were on their way to meet their boyfriends, these cholos in this hood. I was at this house that didn't belong to them but that they were squatting in, and I was going through my CDs to put something good in. These guys came back and they wanted to start a gang, like a Fight Club gang. I was familiar with these but I told them there are people here who aren't loyal and had evil intentions. I knew two for sure, because psychically, I had seen that they were spies for a rival gang. I tell one guy who I know is loyal, and he pulled out these two guys and shoots them in the head. It was brutal. But then this other guy insisted on pulling this other guy out who was a good man, and insisted that he needed to be sacrificed as well. I felt I could have stopped him, but suddenly I was popped out of the scene and I was only watching a movie, where you have no power to stop the scene unfolding. It was like the moment hung in the air, him with the gun in his hand, arm outstretched. Then I saw the gun fire, and seconds later, the sound of a body hit the ground. And it hurt me, deep through my insides, that a good man was killed.

i'm combustible right now, i'm so pissed off.

but i've gotta work through it, like a fever.

now listening to: gamma meditation - connecting to the infinite

now reading: the alphabet versus the goddess - the conflict between word and image

now drinking: ice water

now feeling: infinite

now wondering: what brian's doing

now feeling: like wanting to be alone

now googling: i should buy a boat

now reading: some information about hitler

now thinking: how close is evil?

now seeing: a magazine cover on the counter that says scientology is evil.

now worrying:

now thinking: without a job, i am nothing.

now laughing: but it's so much fun.

now wondering: where everyone is tonight.

now looking:

now wanting to: direct people's attention to ancient egyptian beliefs.

now wanting: people to understand

now believing: i am scared

lies. every day, i tell lies. except they're all true in some way.

last night i dreamed that i was in vegas with my family running around somewhere, and had a secret date with the dark dc. we had planned to meet at a restaurant at one of the casinos on the strip, one that was really nice. We were finally going to have a big official date. but i was running around trying to get something done, and the next thing i knew it was 3am. i called him and he told me the restaurant was closed. i realized i'd fucked up and got scared that i wouldn't get a second chance, but then i remembered, i don't like the dark dc. there's no reason why i was supposed to be at a date with him. so i dropped that storyline and just explored the rooms in this casino.

in one of them, a little dry cleaners, i ran into tina fey. i told her i had great respect for her work, especially for surviving as head writer at snl. i figured she'd be dismissive but she was cool. we started joking around and i felt really comfortable around her. but then i knew this was just a dream and even though she's brilliant, she's probably not that warm in person, so i said goodbye and floated into another dream, one that had a forest.

so i guess i never finished my story about vegas.

so the wang club. was fucking awful. but an interesting experience, like walking away from a car crash alive.

i had scored weed off one of the strippers rather than give in to a lapdance because we were warned before hand, this was code for them to have sex with you in a private room. but i wanted to give him some kind of business. when we got back to the casino, i went to the bathroom and hollowed out a cigarette, then packed it in there. the girls wanted to have 3am prime rib so we headed to bill's. cody wanted to smoke with me but she wanted us to do it under the prime rib sign so we could take pictures of it.

there was a lot of confusion organizing so many girls so we got split up into tables. as we walked to ours, this guy grabbed my arm.

'sit with us,' he said.

i look down to see three young hispanic guys staring at me. i dismiss them as drunk, horny guys and keep walking.

'no wait! just a few minutes,' he says, not letting go of my arm. so i say, 'just a few minutes.'

i sit down and one guy tries to put his arm around me but i casually intercept and put it on the table, squeezing his hand.

'listen, if i sit with you guys, i'm gonna drop knowledge on you.'

the guys laugh.

'what kind of knowledge?' they ask.

'serious knowledge. i don't know if you're old enough for this. how old are you?'

'24,' he says. 'we're all 24.'

'naw, you're babies,' i said.

'24 is old!' he says.

'okay, let me see your id.'

he pulls out his wallet and show's me his driver's license and i see that he's a few weeks younger than my brother. i will always talk to people born close to him in date, because it makes me wonder what he might have been like.

'so what kind of knowledge do you have?' he says, part curious, part unbelieving.

so i tell them about women and power, and some girls think they have fake power with men, but men know it and use it to manipulate them. but at the end of the day, if they want to have a good life, they'll stay away from the women who don't understand what power is, and find a someone who understands it. because a woman who has power holds life in her hands and could so easily be destructive with it, but knowing this makes her gentle.

i suddenly realize these guys are staring at me. i'm feeling self-conscious.

then the skinny one in the corner says, 'thank you for that. you really gave us something here.'

i think he might be joking at first.

'really?' i say. 'or are you guys messing with me.'

the guy across from me grabs my hand.

'no, really. we've heard everything you said. i've been sitting here eating a salad with no dressing even though the dressing's right here because i've been listening to everything you said.'

the guy next to me who hadn't said a single word this whole time, suddenly says,

'we even ordered you fries.'

he points to the fries next to me. the other guy laughs.

'oh yeah, we did. before you got here. it's like we anticipated you'd be here so we ordered you something.'

i must be looking at him like he's crazy because he started laughing.

'i'm serious! i don't need fries. my meal comes with fries and these guys won't eat them."

i start laughing. this is unreal.

the skinny one pipes up.

'I know who you are.'

my heart jumps. can he see me?

'you do?'

the other guy nods. 'definitely.'

'who am i?' i ask, trying to sound more like i'm challenging them rather than on edge for the answer.

'we're not gonna say. but we know.'

i think about it. always be gentle.

'okay,' i say, though my heart is still beating quickly.

my friend comes over and bends over me, whispering in my ear.

'is everything okay?'

'yeah,' i say. to the guys... 'i have to go.'

i shake each guy's hand warmly as i leave, sitting in the booth directly behind them.

i do notice as i sit down, that a guy up the row is looking at me, smiling. i smile and nod at him, but my attention shifts because jessie is telling a story about how she once got caught with grape jelly in her shoes.

i wasn't hungry anymore so i just drank water. the girls got upset with the waitress because she brought a salad with the wrong dressing. they were making a joke out of it, but the waitress seemed like such a hardworking, sweet girl so i told them how much it probably sucks to work the graveyard shift and be the only waitress, and who cares, it's just dressing. they were still making fun of her when she came back, so i immediately intercepted her. i asked her if she was from indonesia.

she looked surprised. 'yes! how did you know?'

'i was in bali a few months ago. people there had such amazing, beautiful energies, just like yours.'

she smiled such a beautiful, kind smile.

'thank you. thank you very much for that.'

she walked away, smiling.

a few minutes later, the guy down the row's friend came back and they stand up to leave. he waits to get my attention, then waves bye to me. i smile and nod again. go back to our conversation.

about 5 minutes later, i see him walk back into the restaurant. i know instantly he's coming to talk to me. he walks right up to our table, doesn't even seem to notice the other girls. this surprises me because they've already yelled at the waitress so this is definitely a drunk shark tank. but he walks right up to me and says, 'are you staying at this hotel?'

'no,' i say, noticing the girls gaping at him out of the corner of my eye. they've gone silent.

'can i have your phone number? i would like to talk to you.'

i am suddenly fearful for him. he seemed like a nice, shockingly earnest guy who looked mildly shellshocked, but this was a pack of hungry drunk girls waiting for prime rib. these girls will eat him.

'um...where do you live?' i ask him. trying to gently get him out of this situation. it's too bad because i'm usually always willing to talk to people who approach me.

'colorado,' he says.

'oh...i live in los angeles,' i say. trying to communicate that i'm not interested in anything long distance.

'oh...uh, okay, ' he says. he seems to wake up and suddenly become aware of the room, aware of the boothful of girls gawking at him. he turns and walks swiftly out the door.

the giggling starts immediately and i tell them to be quiet, seriously, wait for him to get out of the room. i told them it's a very hard thing, what he did and i don't want to traumatize him by thinking we're laughing at him.

'what the hell was that,' cody asked me.

i knew what it was.

'i don't know,' i said.

'he looked terrified, but he walked up to you like he knew you...'

'yeah...that happens a lot with me.'

'really?'

'yeah. it's kind of weird.'

'well, that was weird,' raleigh said.

the conversation awkwardly shifts back to whatever was happening before that blip in reality, when i feel a hand reach over and grab my hand. the guy whispers,

'what was that all about?'

i jump out of my booth and switch to theirs.

'that guy was watching me talk to you and i think i magnetized him by association. like i was giving you guys a message but somehow he got pulled in, too.'

'wow, i think you rocked his world,' he says.

i start laughing.

'this is a first.'

so i start talking with them again and the conversation is deep. one guy wants to read me.

he says, 'those girls you're with. they don't know who you really are. you hang out with them, you talk to them about shallow stuff, but they don't know you.'

'that's right,' i say. 'they're my cover.'

'in fact, this right here, this is the first real conversation you've had, probably all weekend.'

'again, that's true,' i say.

he looks under the table at my shoes.

'you probably like to wear like, jeans and t-shirts, things that are comfortable. and running shoes, and you probably walk around exploring a lot.'

'when i'm being me, i like being comfortable,' i say. 'that's pretty good.'

we smile at each other. he asks me how they can get in touch with me. i tell them that i usually just disappear. i don't like people being able to find me. that i figure, if they find me again, then it was meant to be. but who i am now is not who i am in my other world, and for them to find me will put both worlds in the same room and by law of nature, it means one world may be negated and i don't want that. they are meeting the secret me, and this is the best part. the other world is a cover, a way to get through day to day. it turns out one of them is a radio dj and he's doing a report about his trip to vegas. i get anxious. i tell him he can't talk about what i'd told them, but he said he was just going to talk about me, and call me barbary coast. and that when i hear him talking, that i should call him and let him know how to get in touch with me. he tells me when to listen.

i go back to my booth. when they leave, they say goodbye. the guy who had held my hand was staring at me with this intense look, i can't describe it exactly...but like he was trying to memorize all my details so that he would always remember me.

and i...i looked at him and thought, this may very well be the last time i ever see him.

i guess we both took a picture. and even though i saw his id, i never looked at his name.

afterwards, as we're leaving, the other girls go to the bathroom. i find our waitress and slip her a $20 bill, even though i'd only had water. one thing i learned when i was in bali was that many people from indonesia go out of the country to work because they support large families back home. whether or not this is true for this girl, i wanted to give her something because i appreciated her for who she was. she had beautiful energy and i felt grateful that she was in the world.

we headed home the next day. you could feel it...this was one of those trips everyone would remember forever, their own experience of it.

the following evening, i could have listened to the radio program to see what would unfold. but the strangest thing happened.

i fell asleep right after work and slept through until the morning.

maybe that's just the way it happens.

reality resets.

today is a really good day. i'm filled with joy. i woke up to feel the sun rise and am watching the sky darken over the temple as i type this. i'm starting to notice and appreciate cycles, and also flow with them. i'm finding that i am alert in a different way since jumbling up my sleep pattern. it's like i'm chasing the nighttime and what knowledge it holds.

but i've been happy. i've been really, really happy. and i hope it makes others happy as well.

brian is splayed out on the green couch in my office when he tells me:

'you're evil.'

i stop typing.

'stop mindfucking people,' he says.

'what?!'

i'm truly, okay only kinda, shocked.

'you know you do it. you have to stop it.'

'well-'

'no.'

'it's not exactly-'

'no.'

i think.

'deep down, they get off on it too.'

brian sighs. walks out of the room. he says as he leaves,

'but it's not right.'

i put my head down on the desk.

sigh.

go do something else.

i only feel i'm being evil when i know the person i am at this moment is not the person they think they're talking to.

it's because i feel i'm tricking people, but i kind of get off on it.

but at the end of the day, who are we really? we've gotten so good at creating our puppets, people actually believe they're real people.

i'm okay with it if you're okay with it.

but if you ever want a straight story, you just have to ask the right questions.

he told me that people like to tell him their secrets. that he keeps a lot of people's secrets, and he wanted to know mine. and i knew i had to give it to him, because it was inevitable. this is synched with the fact i had randomly chosen the memory keeper's daughter as the book i would read into this journey, and it's all about what happens with secrets. in fact, it was the book i had given him, which surprised me because i hate giving away books. all of it, felt inevitable.

there's a strong polarity here. this is how magnets work. and with this, great power.

we are direct opposites in the spectrum, supported by astrological data, supported by his sudden statement that we are each other's other half, supported by my strong and persistent request on this blog for the universe to give me a mirror and my increasingly persistent search to find it.

and then, this. you're suddenly at a new level, where more is unknown, but an entire new universe opens at your feet. and you're standing there on this ledge between your old universe and this strange new one, and you know, there's no going back.

and so you pray with everything you've got, that this is a world in which it's possible to fall up.

so which is my universe, and which is not?

they're making pants tighter now, right? because i don't know...cuz i'm not...i don't wear jeans...

and then, he says IT. the line literally brought me to my knees with laughter. i spent the summer of 2003 showing people this scene, because they just needed to know. apparently coke is a hell of a drug.

that was a beautiful summer.

this is probably one of my favorite secrets, something that always makes me laugh, along with drunk guy.

From 3/19:

In one of my dreams last night, I was hanging out on a lazy afternoon with a good friend of mine. I told her, marriages are like pancakes--you screw up the first one, but the next ones are better. You do it, you figure out your mistakes and the second time around, you know who you are, you know what you want, and you know what's achievable and what's not and it's better. While there are plenty of first marriages that do work because they've been built on strong foundations, this learning curve is a major reason why so many first marriages fail and second marriages succeed.

I woke up amused. That was totally a conversation I would have in real life.

I think in hindsight, I was driven by that knowledge. As it neared the end, I secretly hoped my relationship with Reggie was a close enough simulation of a first marriage, because in a way, in hindsight, I did view it as a sacrifice in hopes that whatever came next would be the sum of efforts, knowledge and giving up something that was of great value to pave way for something amazing. Maybe it'll turn out to be an idealistic pipedream. I don't know. But I have to be open to the possibility instead of knowingly settling.

I've also learned that your history, your memories, your life as you live it now, not as you always imagined it would be...these are all yours. You own it so you have the ownership to do what you want with it. Your life is not perfect because there's no such thing, but it's yours. And as with everything, you can either choose to accept it or not. It's much easier to make changes though, if you accept it. Everything that you've experienced, everyone you've known, every interaction and thought, belongs to you for better or worse. How you decide to cherish it or not, is also a personal decision.

Some days when I'm alone, I think about my life and I wonder if I'm a good person. I know my core motivations are pure. Nothing makes me happier than making another living person smile and feel warmth. I like protecting those who are not as strong as others, and I like reminding people of their hopes and dreams and personal potentials when they seem to have gotten sidetracked. But these are just these psychic hugs I give people that for whatever reason, seems to make them blossom. The sincerity is real, but the person isn't exactly there. You've been touched by a projection. Because the only thing I ask for in exchange, occasionally demanding it when necessary, is for no attachment. I know that comes off badly sometimes. I know some people have gotten hurt. But the thing is, we had a positive experience together, you got something and I got something, but I can't be in everyone's life to the same degree as these interactions. I don't like getting too attached to too many people because at the end of the day, caring deeply is a responsibility I take seriously.

I need the freedom to get out and meet a lot of different people, to understand human hopes and dreams despite disappointment and pain, and how to use my energy to bring about positive change. I care about people and I love everyone in a broad, spiritual way, the way someone admires the view of a sprawling forest without having to own the trees. But there are always individual people who I've accepted into my life, and whether they suspect it or not, to be accepted in my life means I've woven you into my emotional fibers. It means that I've accepted that someday, when death separates us, it will be a deep and sorrowful loss, but I've accepted that consequence, borrowed against a future debilitating pain for the pleasure of caring about you and having you close to my heart. I'll take your well-being as personally as my own, and I'll always see the beauty in you and want you to attain everything you want out of life, putting out my energy in ways you may not realize to move you towards that.

It's important to me that I surround myself with people I truly care about, people I would go to war for, but it doesn't mean I'm not sincere and genuine to everyone else. I just don't want to be committed emotionally and spiritually to too many people. And the problem is that after one of these random connections, people don't always want to let me leave and it becomes messy, sometimes ruining the positive exchange. In turn, that makes me not let as many people in. But if everyone promises to behave and not cling to me and pull me into weird little repressed dramas where I don't belong, I'm going to try to get more involved with people. Just please...separate the message from the messenger.

Let's make this a positive experience.

From 3/20:

alright.

i'm back.

like i said, i've been taking a final. it's not so much an exam as a practical.

the good news is i found another one of my soulmates and as comforting and difficult as it was, i know that the experience changed me in a way that i know i can never go back to where i was. the flipside is, i have much work to do.

berlin was interesting, not so much as the city itself, as it was the place that allowed me to break open a side of myself that had previously been buried. it's a wonderfully artistic, creative city and they've left remnants of its previous life and the scars it bears as a reminder of where they've been, and a place they hope to never return.

like me.

i look at it though, and i am not sure that my scars are things i can leave behind in the past, even though emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, i have dealt with my pain and left it behind. my body will never let go.

the experience that i have never talked about directly in a coherent manner, i relived, as a ghost in the room hanging over me, demanding attention. it brought me to my knees and despite the presence of a stranger, albeit one who felt like he'd known me his entire life, i wept uncontrollably as i grasped the way the shadow of my past has followed me throughout my adult life, even into this new awakening as i've harnessed my power.

i need you to know something.

secrets have secret lives. they burrow into you in ways that you can be consciously aware, even if you refuse to admit the extent of the universes they've established inside you. no matter how small or insignificant, a secret can sometimes carry itself to the point that all those around you who care about you can feel it, yet with an intimate psychic agreement, they've agreed out of respect and feelings for you never to touch it and bring it out into the open.

but you keep a secret in, and it will kill you.

exactly.

she who gives birth to heaven and earth, knows the orphan, knows the widow, seeks justice for the poor, and shelter for the weak

Secretly what I was really doing in Europe was walking around, smiling at people, spreading happiness. It's like tapping people with a happy wand. They do a double-take and then they smile back in a way that opens up their energy. These are smiles that spread into their chests, radiating out of them, so you get a little something more than what you started with. It's like suddenly being in on an inside joke. Sometimes I would literally be skipping down the street, I had such a surplus of happy. It got to be infectious and people would stop to have conversations with me.

Then I got back to the US today, and I helped this woman with her heavy suitcases, even grabbing her young child who was about to get hit by a suitcase he was pulling on, lifting him away from danger. She had plenty of opportunities but she never said thank you, walking away without ever acknowledging me.

I think some people take kindness for granted because it's never saved their life.

I think sometimes, all anyone ever asks for is just someone who believes in them.

It's a beautiful thing.

Home.

Was surprised that I only had one message (from an asshole trying to sell me something). I guess people have sensed I wanted to be alone with only my closest connections.

The airport was infuriating. The packed shuttles made me think of the concentration camp, how this wasn't even bad. It could be so much worse. But the terminal was a zoo and they lost my bag. I was most upset because I was trying to let Brian know which terminal I was in but my phone wasn't working, and then they told us they would confiscate phones if they saw us using them.

Had flashes of the things I'd felt in Germany, the scenes they try so hard to hide. I put those thoughts away.

I didn't panic about them losing my bag. Maybe I had accounted for this unconsciously by accidentally leaving my most important things at home, or keeping them on me. I actually expected that side of the universe would pull some shit like that. If the other side of the universe wants to hold my bag hostage, so be it. I've got an extra toothbrush. And everything else. Remember, I like having two of everything.

Brian was really happy to see me. He said the place had felt so lonely without me. That felt good. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own worlds, we forget there are people around us. I insisted on buying him dinner and we ate it hanging out in the living room.

It was actually less stress to not have my suitcase, so I didn't have it sitting on my floor begging to be unpacked. While he went out to meet some coworkers at a bar, I took a candlelit hot shower. There is nothing better than coming home and taking a hot shower in your own bathroom, then getting into your own bed with the sheets cooling your hot skin. Secretly, I wonder if I travel just to heighten the pleasure of coming home.

I started getting lots of messages and emails the last few days. It seemed that behind all the communication, there was a question of--was I coming home. I think people were afraid that I would stay, or that the I that they knew wasn't coming back. It made me think about how there's something about me that makes people sometimes have an underlying feeling that I'm someone who can suddenly disappear one day.

I was asked that this week. If I've ever had a relationship with someone and then just walked out without looking back. At first I thought, what a strange question. Then I thought, hmmm...he must know. I thought, yes. Once. And then I realized, it's not just once. It's every time. I guess I never wanted to admit that people can tell.

I think it's important to commit to the decisions you make, because if you can't stand by them, your weakness ends up hurting people more. But when I don't want to be in a situation anymore I leave, and I don't tend to look back.

But it's a complex question. I do look back. I wouldn't have left if I was sure, and I would come back, if I was sure. But I won't vacillate out in the open where the other person can see it or feel it, because that's how things get muddled and you make mistakes that hurt people more in the long run. But people...I think about people every day. I have dreams where we run into each other and catch up. So in a way, while I don't look back, in a private part of me, in a sentimental way, I never let go of anyone. It doesn't make it better, it just is what it is.

So back to the disappearing. Maybe I need to change that part of my energy. If a guy meets me and likes me but thinks at any moment, I'll walk away and he'll never get to explore this intriguing "What if," he's going to come on really really strong, convinced that this is fate and destiny. Because they need to have a strong enough faith and will to fight to get me to stay so they can see what this is. Of course, not everything is fate and destiny. You really only have one life partner, though many, many soulmates and a lot of soulmate work you can do efficiently without hopping into bed. Or maybe it just scares me because when people start talking this way without having gotten to know me, I just don't believe them or trust them. You come on too strong and fall too hard too fast, and I seriously start digging for character references. Because it makes me think something's wrong. Either you're crazy, or I'm being manipulated but either way, it could take you a lifetime to prove to me that something is real.

If I could change my energy to become more balanced and less with one foot out the door, these guys (at least the sane, stable ones) wouldn't have to come out so strong with their first step in a way that they can't back down. If they could come out in a restrained, friendly manner that's not like they're trying to devour me whole with their passion, with a little coaxing, I would meet them halfway. And it would give me more space to want to show them my world and who I am, instead of being terrified that someone unscrupulous (or worse...boring) is going to catch me and limit my autonomy.

Last night here and I'm ready to go home. I didn't do much today, just wandered around reflecting on the last two weeks.

In hindsight, the universe gave me what I've been asking for, even though it'll be a long time before I've tested it enough to be convinced. At the very least, I learned that possibilities are always there, but you can't force them. The things you need come when the time is right, when you've done the work to get yourself to that place where you can receive those things.

Byt had told me to be careful of the beer out here because it's delicious, and I'm going to have to agree. I've never been much of a drinker, but there really is something amazing about it. I went to 3 of the beer halls and my favorite beer is Spaten. It's definitely time to send me and my beer belly home.

I also can't wait to get home and have vegetables. The food out there is meat and potatoes and it's salty. I think all I'm gonna want for a while is salads and fresh vegetables to detox this alcohol, salt and badness out of my system. I also can't wait to get back into the gym and start feeling good. I love living out of hotels, but it's hard to be inactive athletically.

I think this trip was one of the most significant of my life thus far, as a means to understand myself and reflect on where I've been and by default, where I'm going. It opened up new possibilities and reminded me that I am capable of so many things, but it also made me aware that I will have to make a choice and a commitment. I'm terrified to go home and face my very real financial situation, but it's one of those things...dealing with money or the lack thereof is a part of life, a part of learning how to survive in this reality. I just have to deal with it and that's the bottom line.

I'm definitely looking forward to being in familiar surroundings again and planning out my next step. Thanks, Europe, for the hospitality and the reflection. Give me some time to reverse the damage you've done to my body.

I was listening to Morcheeba's Dive Deep obsessively the days before I left. I just put it on while I took a nap. As I was falling asleep, I started thinking about soundtracks of our lives...how different songs represent who we are at a given time or where we're going. And then I starting hearing the lyrics to Enjoy the Ride crowd into my consciousness and realized I'd never even paid enough attention to actually hear lyrics, yet obviously, it must have been a means of support and encouragement in my head when I set out on this journey because this album was the album I chose to see me off. And yesterday, I had a conversation with someone exactly about this, about how I need to stop chasing shadows and just enjoy how my life unfolds in unpredictable but exciting ways.




Shut the gates at sunset
After that you can't get out
You can see the bigger picture
Find out what it’s all about
You're open to the skyline
You won't want to go back home
In a garden full of angels
You will never be alone

But oh the road is long
The stones that you are walking on
Have gone

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

If you close the door to your house
Don't let anybody in
It's a room that's full of nothing
All that underneath your skin
Face against the window
You can't watch it fade to grey
And you'll never catch the fickle wind
If you choose to stay

But oh the road is long
The stones that you are walking on
Have gone

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

lies.

i've got a whole deck of cards of them.

oh my god.

it's like every day out here.

every day is a wtf day.

all the channels in this hotel are in german, though i found two hardcore porn channels, twice more than in holland. i just saw five girls sucking off one guy in a pool.



sometimes i get so mad at other women when they do things that make mockeries of themselves.

Julia says (2:11 PM):
i took a picture of my shadow in the gas chamber and it really freaks me out

AZ says (2:11 PM):
let me see

Julia says (2:11 PM):
i don't have my card reader. but i'll send it when i get back

Julia says (2:12 PM):
it really scares me

AZ says (2:13 PM):
fucking germans

Julia says (2:13 PM):
i still can't understand the scale of what they did

Julia says (2:13 PM):
like...you see the pictures and you just can't comprehend that human beings did that

AZ says (2:15 PM):
just picture that experience of getting on a train with thousands of others getting dumped at a camp that separated families then told you had to go take a shower and got gassed to death. and all the strong men had to dig out mass graves

Julia says (2:16 PM):
that's the unbelievable thing. they built the gas chambers to look like showers, with prop shower heads and tile and everything. they went to lengths to make the people believe they were really taking showers. like they didn't just dump people into these rooms the way they would nonchalantly take them out behind the bunker and shoot them in the back of the neck...they felt it was important to TRICK these people to the extent of putting in fake showerheads. i don't GET it

Julia says (2:16 PM):
it's so sick

Julia says (2:17 PM):
like what kind of fucking idea did someone manage to infect people with?

Julia says (2:17 PM):
was it just hitler was so evil? or did he just sell himself to some evil force and speak for it? and if so, is that evil force out there, just waiting for someone powerful enough to let it back into our world?

AZ says (2:19 PM):
it was a supernatural force that i think still resides on earth and he tried to enter the bush administration but was unsuccessful

Julia says (2:19 PM):
oh fuck

the window of my hotel faces the windows of the hotel across the street.

as i was hanging out the window watching the people on the street below, i looked up to see that directly across from me, a very obese naked woman was facing the window, changing.

i think it broke something in my head.

I feel like I've reached a place where I don't understand anything anymore.

I went to the Dachau concentration camp. It's the first camp the SS set up to house political prisoners, and even though they didn't use their gas chamber for mass killing, they still treated people atrociously. We had a guide who was really detached and didn't seem to care, so it was hard to process everything on a human level. It's hard to understand how a person survives in that kind of devastatingly sadistic and depraved environment, and how it was that a world allows this kind of existence to happen.

When we first got there, the tour guide asked our group why we wanted to see the camp. No one was willing to answer. Finally, this woman who was part of a mother/daughter combo from Pennsylvania pointed to her daughter and said, "She wanted to see it."

"Anyone else?" the guide asked. We all remained silent. "So you're all here for the same reason?"
Yeah, I thought. Because of that girl.

I wonder why it's so hard to admit you want to see the site of the most gruesome trainwreck in history. It's just important for people to understand and remember.

Most of the buildings are torn down and some of the things have been replaced by replicas. They've taken away enough things so that this place is a memorial, a symbol that will allow survivors to remember and mourn, but not exact and authentic enough to retain the most threatening of its evil power.

The only thing that had really bad feelings was the gas chamber. It has no windows so when you walk in, you're stuck with it, all the energy in the room.

Even the room where they piled the corpses. Empty. You couldn't imagine what they were doing here if you didn't see the photo on the wall.

I couldn't understand. I saw the pictures. And they were unbelievable. But the way the only things that remain are these mostly empty buildings filled with sunlight...they buried a lot of it. I couldn't feel the energies to understand what had happened, how it was that 43,000 people could have died in the place where I was wandering, living a daily existence worse than anything they had ever imagined hell to be like. It was weird to stand in a place of great suffering but still not know how it was this happened, how evil could have exerted its will in such a far-reaching way.

There's something about this country that makes you feel like your mind is in a fog, like it clouds your memory.

The sadistic potential in man is not something to underestimate. Ever.

You have to be careful talking about these things in Germany. They are sensitive about it.

A couple of nights ago I was on the subway late at night in Berlin, and these punks were drunk off their asses and violent. This one guy with piercings and a mohawk kept stalking up and down the aisles, intermittently beating on this guy while this strung out looking girl with short, spiky hair kept screaming, "Nein! Nein!" and trying to grab him as he kept kicking the guy in the face. The guy being beat was bigger but he just sat there with his eyes downcast, body hunched and took it.

Another one of their friends, a bony guy in an army vest with a dirty blond goatee, was walking from one end of the car to the other, thrusting this big, white rat into the faces of girls to make them scream and cower. As he came down the aisle, he did it to the girls sitting next to me, and they screamed, huddling together. I kept calmly small-talking to the guy next to me and projected a feeling of being emotionally bored with the scene. He skipped over us and kept going. If he had messed with me, I was prepared mentally for a fight to the death. But for whatever reason, he didn't see me. Not having full access to my emotions makes interpersonal relationships difficult sometimes, but every once in a while, it helps me be a pretty calm and aware projector in dangerous situations.

So then guy who had been beating the other guy got up and started pacing the car. He was looking for trouble. The drunk Nein girl was screaming at people to stop him. No one made eye contact. He kicks this piece of glass next to the door with a shutteringly realistic violence. An old woman in the back somewhere gasps. He starts screaming at everyone in German, then he kicked the glass again, shattering it. Everyone in that section jumped up and crowded towards the back of the car. In my my head, I directed all my energy into the knowledge that I knew nothing was going to happen. That this was just another cliched moment in a play.

When we got to the next stop, everyone jumped up and got out of the car. The police must have been notified of the trouble because they were in front of our exact car, waiting to get on.

I dropped it out of my mind, just thinking that if I still remembered it when I next blogged, I would mention it.

It wasn't until later that night, walking home from dinner, that it dawned on me that what happened had been a scary situation.

Last night a surprise snowstorm descended upon Munich. From my window, I saw the giant flakes swirl, at times making me feeling like I was inside a magical snowglobe, at others, like I was watching schools of fish swim in one direction then the other, so alive, playfully chasing each other with the vivacity of children released on holiday.

I woke to find the rooftops blanketed by fine white powder...pristine.

I feel this is a good sign.

sometimes you only believe in the size of the universe
once you've felt an emptiness inside you expand into its own and give birth to alien life.

and the echoes of...

to find the surface, you must first find the bottom.

now listening to: how to disappear completely (radiohead)

*****

i'm on the train, now leaving berlin.

kinda left a little of myself behind there, didn't i?

there are a lot of dreams i would like to work on now.

but yet.

i have the pain of something that i want to leave behind, but physically i can't.

it's been so many years and today, it's sitting here, alive and well in my present reality.

how can you not believe in ghosts.

i was sick of therapy and talking about things. most therapists are weak individuals. the problem wasn't in the room when we talked. the problem is when i'm alone somewhere and someone wants to get close to me. and then he's in that room with us. my ghost. and i hate it.

i can't separate things in my mind.

how to explain how i got there. how to explain what was wrong with me that i couldn't get him to leave. and all i could see were the knives, less than a foot behind his hands.

and he can berate me. and berate me. and berate me. and i'll take it. but i just couldn't get him to leave.

to be held hostage in your own home.

and what you had to give up that night and forever to trade for your freedom.

no one knows.

they know but they don't know.

they know but they don't know.

did it happen that way?

you don't build your fences right. you build them too close to the home, when you were supposed to build them further out.

so afterwards, they sent me to meetings to supposedly understand my situation. i only went once. there was a woman there who talked about how her brother molested her for years, and how he's happily married now with children while she lives in a permanent dusk. how when she confronted her brother, he denied it. and when she confessed to her mother, her mother asked her why she was trying to stir up trouble when it was so far in the past. and so all she had were these meetings for her to spin in circles. and from the bored, impatient faces of everyone involved, she obviously told the same secret every week.

what was the key out of her hell if no one was there to deal with it but herself?

some ghosts you can never shake.

some things you can't convince yourself never happened no matter how much you try. and every day, you go about telling a lie.

you tell people a story so they can swallow your pain, because a superficial cut is easier to provide support for than something they are ill-equipped to comprehend. some depths of pain are not things people willingly welcome into their homes.

but i know.

i knew what i had to exchange for my freedom. for my safety.

there might have been another way. but i didn't think. i couldn't think. and still those knives. within half an arm's reach away from his hands. his eyes bulging in anger. a tinge of mania. and still. those knives. those knives those knives those knives.

brian bought me a new set of knives when he moved in. somehow, he was completely oblivious of the symbolism of those knives, yet intuitively and without my permission, he threw them away and replaced them.

but sometimes, i look at his knives and i can't seperate them from the others.

no one knows about what happened. what happened inside me. when a part of you sacrifices another part so that the rest may live. and what of the part that was sacrificed?

every moment that someone circles closer and closer, i await the moment when i'll have to call him out of the darkness. and then i'll remember.

once upon a time.

i exchanged immediate safety for a ghost that will follow me into my most intimate moments with another human being. he will always be in that room with us every time i have to go back to that place.

and no one knows.

i can not communicate it. what happened. what happens when you sacrifice. people may not understand weakness. because a man will always be stronger than a woman even if a woman has more power. and in a moment, he can break her, no matter how strong she is.

there are many types of pain that i do not fear. but to feel safe, and suddenly in the next moment--you're back in that place with him.

but it was what i traded in order to escape. and still, those knives. those knives on the counter, within arm's reach. those knives are a reminder that no one fully escapes once they've been held prisoner. it will always be a part of you, and you, a part of it.

berlin is a city filled with ghosts. it's filled with the memory of a soul divided under its vibrance and inspiration, under its guilt and angst. but above all, it's a city built upon a haunted psyche trying to move forward and build a new sense of self.

of course i would come here. i needed its help, a spiritual sister who's suffered trauma under its resilient, stoic facade.

i had my breakthrough yesterday.

i understand now.

i am not the ghost.

the ghost.

his name is eli.

i trusted him but that had no value to him. he promised to make sure that no one could ever come near me because i belonged to him.

i've fought his grip for 7 years, becoming so powerful and expansive that he and those like him would never be able to have any power or over me. yet, he has managed to succeed in his original intention.

a person intent on evil can fulfill his intentions by haunting you in the darkest refuges of night, waiting in the shadows until the moment you feel you are safe, the moment you feel you are anonymous, the moment you feel you are whole again.

and then out of nowhere, he appears with his sword and the devil's smile and you realize, he will always find you. because he's inside you.

the man is dead to me.

but now, how to kill a ghost.

okay, i calmed down.

i realized i'm going to need my wits.

i was IMing with my scorpio today:


AZ says (9:16 AM):
rule #1 DONT TRUST NOBODY

Julia says (9:16 AM):
rule #2, if you got a dead hooker in the trunk, don't speed

breathe julia.

you need to calm down.

i'll tell you what it's like. it's like being able to function and go about day to day, and not once do your emotions reach your head outside of a pressure in your chest or an inkling in your mind.

and then sometimes in the quiet moments when you're alone, you hear echoes. echoes of images, fleeting moments, emotions that had been collected throughout the day below your awareness. of people, and invitations that you didn't see when the moment was there for you to grasp. and a longing. a longing for something more, a longing for some kind of connection even though deep down, you know you may not possess the capacity to accept it.

i had an email from david by the time i got to berlin. i expected it. i expected to read what he wrote but it still made the blood drain from my head and gave me a sinking feeling in my chest.

all i do is leave a wake of hurt and disappointment in my path.

i get lonely, then i break down and show a stranger the real me. and these strangers usually want to follow me home, want to keep me, want to intertwine our futures.

how can a man be so sure after knowing me for one day? that's the thing i want to tell him but it's not nice, even though it's the truth. what he feels, i can't vouch for because i've seen it too often to trust it. so many people have looked at me the way he looks at me. and they are not in my life, even though i always think about them and wonder if they're still awake.

what i give to you
is just what i'm going through
this is nothing new
no no just another phase of finding what i really need
is what makes me bleed
like a new disease,
[he's] still too young to treat...

(volcano - damien rice)

i am a seeker but as a person, my capabilities are limited. so fucking limited that i don't understand how someone who can project so much warmth and love can have such an empty heart, but it's because i seek and i share what i discover and what energy i capture, but as a person, i am not much outside of my function.

so often i feel that i am not human, but perhaps the irony is that i'm devastatingly human. so completely limited by human flaw. i stumble through life but my insides are underdeveloped, and while others can coexist with loved ones and built emotional bonds and futures, i skirt the surface and only give in one shot, one night, the dribbles of heart i've saved up for long stretches. and one night is often all i've got. i can not sustain any bonds to my insides because there is nothing for others to tie themselves to. but i keep searching, hoping that somehow, i can find a heart to put in place of the empty space where i don't have one. so much love and warmth can radiate out of me, but no heart. i can't understand it.

getting close to people hurts my self-esteem because as intelligent and as good at so many things as i am, as hard as i work to always be improving aspects of myself and my capabilities, nothing reminds me of how limited i am as getting close to people. having someone want things from me reminds me of how limited i am in what i can give emotionally, even though spiritually, i can give abundantly. but that's never enough. they want emotional connection. and eventually, they want a commitment. and it makes me feel like i only disapoint people because as they get closer, they realize that beautiful oasis they thought they saw was just a mirage, and the things they felt were promised don't even exist.

giving emotionally, feelings...it's like trust. you can't just say you trust someone. you either have trust in something or you don't. you can talk around it, think around it, but it comes down to that. same thing with emotions, interpersonal love. you either have it or you don't. and i feel it surging inside me for certain people in a spiritual sense, but when what they're looking for is something that comes out of my chest, it's not by my choice that there is nothing in there.

i've philosophized about it. i've tried to spin it so many ways. i've tried to come to terms with it as an existential quest. i've told people straight up that i don't even belong to me...i belong to the universe, to a journey that i don't always understand, but that i am committed to follow.

you can't tell me it's because i'm avoiding, or that i just don't want to commit. if i could find someone that i could consistently have feelings for and it felt right to tie my future to his, then i would. i absolutely would. but so far, nothing fills that void in my chest except sharing and giving spiritual comradery, protection and knowledge.

when i meet people i care about, i end up wanting to protect them from me, but also protect me from them. i don't want them to get too attached because they will get hurt, and i don't want them to get too close because their disappointment will hurt me. but nothing makes me feel emptier than being close to someone.

look, why do i have these spiritual meetings with strangers that come out of the blue like a bolt of lightning. people are always asking me what i get out of it and i'll tell you the truth--when i share a message with someone, i am filled with love for that person, a burning desire to see them free and awake, aware of their potential and how beautiful they are. i remember that love and that person i shared it with and i carry all of these experiences with me, these perfectly encapsulated moments where two strangers, two spiritual travelers, met on a dark road and shared something meaningful before continuing on their individual paths.

but to get close to someone, means giving up that moment. it means taking something magical that happened in the deepest of night to be scrutinized by the light of day. in essence, it destroys the moment...it destroys the magic.

all this may not make exact sense right now or it may sound like a load of spin to hide a commitment issue, but i'm just throwing out everything inside me while i figure it out. my thoughts on this will probably change hourly. i'm starting to see that this trip is for me to understand this aspect of myself, and either see if this is something i can change on a personal level (a psychological block), or something i have to come to terms with on a spiritual level. every person's life path is different, and everyone's function is different. i proved to people i can commit, but the problem is, i need to want to commit. something has to be worthy of my commitment and i only want to commit to the things that are right for me. what you are meant to do, you'll do best, but what you do best may not necessarily be what you want to do. that's the rule under which everything else falls. from there, you have to decide where you will live.

so that brings me to now. watching the rain come down in fat pellets outside my window in berlin, sitting in an unbelievably beautiful and comfortable hotel room that makes me feel safe and inspired.

and david. who's on a train right now because he's decided he needs to see me in berlin tonight.

breathe, julia. breathe.

i don't belong to anyone.

location: berlin
now playing: radiohead - kid a

okay.

i don't even know where to start.

i should probably start with yesterday, my last full day in amsterdam.

i stayed up the entire night the night before because i'd taken a marathon nap in the afternoon and was wide awake. Ventured out for the first time at night. Everything was closed in my neighborhood except for the coffeehouses and it was drizzling, so after 30 minutes of exploring the area, I sit in a coffeehouse and order an amazing mocha drink, reading Man and His Symbols.

I spent the rest of the night in my hotel pod, listening to music and thinking.

Until you find the meaning you seek, you shake every hand.

I was starting to find myself a bit indolent and wondering if this trip was more a rebellious quirk than an existential quest. i was feeling a bit frustrated. figured i would get up whenever, but to my surprise, still dutifully got up at 8am.

i was determined to see sights today. saw the anne frank haus which was interesting, but it didn't have further emotional impact on me than the book. the house has been cleansed of the energy. there were signs printed with diary excerpts everywhere, but nothing captured the soul of her story. i was hoping to catch a glimpse of a soul, something that vibrated with powerful emotions and inspiration. she was a fellow gemini who by being who she was, gave the world something very important.

went to the rijks museum whose most famous piece is rembrandt's night watch. i couldn't focus because this wasn't what i was looking for.

wandered back home. stopped into a coffee shop that's supposed to be famous. i told the guy i wanted to try some hash but i was leaving tomorrow and couldn't take anything with me. he offered to sell me half a gram to try and showed me how to use it. I put it away and took it home but didn't touch it. was told later that that's very unusual that they break up a gram. i said, i was nice when i asked. i also seem to be exerting my will pretty gracefully.

on the way back, passed that shop that i'd gone into twice my first day here. the guy was outside pulling a display in. i told him i decided to buy something he'd recommended. (i didn't really need it...it was an impulse event). he told me he was closing but he'd let me come in. inside there was a girl on the floor surrounded by friends, and a moment later, the paramedics came. what happened, i asked him. she smoked for the first time and freaked out, he said. i let her come in here to try to calm down because she was laying on the street, but she thinks she's dying. it was dramatic and he was pulled away when the police came so someone else rang me up. he came back and asked me if today was my last day in amsterdam. tomorrow, i said. i asked him if he knew any fun, safe clubs or bars in walking distance. he recommended some but they were kind of far. i'm afraid to walk too far at night, i confessed with a laugh. aren't you here with your friends? he asked. i was in germany and this is just a side trip, i said, not really answering the question. the paramedics wanted to talk to him so he walked away. the girl finished ringing me up and told me a club suggestion. she said bye and i thanked her and walked towards the door.

wait, he said and hurried over. if you want, i can take you somewhere tonight, and be like..your guide. i get off at 3:30.

what time do people usually go out, i asked, suddenly shy.

around 10 or so, he said.

i was thinking about going to see boom!chicago first, but we can meet up in that area after.

i've always wanted to see that show, he said.

so...you're saying you want to go too...

yeah, he said.

i freak out inside. I have problems.

i can give you my number, he said. i don't know how to use the phone here, i confessed. he laughed. we arranged for me to meet him at the store at 3:30 to have coffee then go to the show. my name is david, by the way, he said, extending his hand. i heard his name and was surprised. something crinkled in the back of my mind, the spark of something i should know. but it was gone as quickly as it came.

i do some writing in the meantime.

i met up with him and we go to a coffeehouse and talk over a couple of beers. he had a soothing english accent and had grown up in england. he said today was probably one of the weirdest and worst days of work since he started there. He told me the saga of the girl--basically a coffeehouse had kicked her out for freaking out from smoking, so she was in the street. he let them bring her in so she wasn't in the street, but she thought she was dying, and the boyfriend was freaking out too and kept digging in her mouth because he was afraid she would swallow her tongue. she ended up throwing up everywhere. then when the police and paramedics came, they laughed and said, she's just stoned; there's nothing we can do. they were going to take her to the hospital and sit her in a chair to sober up, but she would be charged 700 euros. the girl obviously didn't have money like that so he talked them out of taking her, then asked the place next door if she could lay down in the owner's living quarter to sober up while he could get the shop cleaned up and reopened. it sounds like you had quite a bit on your shoulders today, i said.

i asked him if this kind of thing was common because i kind of assumed it would be (i imagine that amsterdam is europe's vegas complete with sloppy escapism) but he said it's never happened. then he said he hoped the night would be a good night to balance out his day. when he mentioned that he felt like he was at a point in his life where he felt stuck in a rut but felt he needed to make big life changes, i knew it would be a good night. i've noticed that people at this exact place in their lives tend to be the ones i interact with.

he told me that he didn't believe in magic, that he was afraid to because when he was a kid, he had these dreams of minor events that would come true the next day, and they had frightened him. i told him that magic, as in things that seem coincidental or like there's an explanation beyond linear time/space, is real and if he is willing to see it, the universe will show him that it's woven into our lives. the universe wants you to believe it's out there, i told him.

the conversation was really good. after a few hours, he was leaning in very close and looking at me quietly and smiling, creating lulls in the conversation which made me increasingly shy. we headed over to boom!chicago for dinner and a sketch/improv show. when we left the theater, there were all these soccer fans congregated in the square outside with police in riot gear. the aig fans fight, he said. it can get dangerous. so we ducked into a pub and had coffee while we waited out the rain and the potential riots. the bar closed at 1am but there was a club around the corner so we went there to check it out. then we left and talked until it was well into the morning.

i think it's true. a different person in me comes out around 2-3 am in the morning. i always felt like, 2am is for work to be done on me, 3am is work to be done for the universe. but i'm always dropping knowledge around that time or making discoveries around that time of night, but as morning breaks, i turn into an impish jokester again.

we started talking about some deep shit. about life, hopes and dreams and secrets. he told me about his stepfather and i told him about the cycle of pain and how children wear their father's insecurities and failures, which they may or may not pass on to their children. but how even if you decide not to perpetuate the cycle and not project that energy, you also can't carry it inside. we have to refuse to give any power to that voice until it's only a part of your history, but not a part of you.

he told me that in 7 years of working at that shop, he's never run after someone and asked to meet up later. he said that he's never met anyone like me, and he knew for a fact how he felt about me. i didn't question what those feelings were and he let the subject drop.

we talked until i had to check out of my hotel, then went and got coffee. i appreciated that he had a very witty sense of humor and from some angles, gave off a big brother energy of someone strong and dependable, and from some other angles, when he smiled, he seemed like a sweet kid. he was trying to think of a plan to get me to stay, even though my hotel was booked in berlin. i took one of his cigarettes from the new pack he'd bought last night but hadn't smoked from, flipped it upside down and put it back in.

lucky cigarette, he said. i haven't done that in years.

you're going to smoke all of these cigarettes until you get to this one. then after you smoke this one, you'll have forgotten about me, wondering if our meeting was just a dream, i said.

i don't believe that, he said.

it happens, i said. then you're going to quit smoking.

after a couple of coffees, we realized we'd been up all night and were screwed in terms of staying hallucination-free. i had 3 hours before my train and it was raining, so we went to his place to wait it out and nap. i woke up to find my head on his chest, lulled by the steady beat of his heart, and his arms around me to keep me warm. i was caught between a waking and dreaming world where everything seems familiar even though i had no idea where i was. i let my eyes follow the lines of his angular shoulder under the blue threads of his sweater, my eyes having been drawn to his shoulders all night, and then suddenly... deja vu. i shot up and stared at him. have you ever seen me in your dreams?, i ask, very seriously. i'm gonna dream about you every night, he said. no seriously. did i seem familiar to you? i don't remember my dreams, he said. i put my head down again, thinking away the thought.

it was a bitter, freezing rain coming down making the walk to the train station miserable. he was very quiet, as he had begged me all morning to find some way to stay at least another day. suddenly, he stopped and squared me by the shoulders. his eyes were intense. i need you to know this. i want you to stay. you can say it's about your journey, but it's also about whether you want to stay another day and spend more time with me. but the reason i'm not being more forceful about keeping you here is because it's your choice and you needing to do what you feel is right. last night was one of the best nights of my life and no one can ever take that away from me. but if you leave today, know that my doors will always be open to you, whether you want to come back today, next week, next month or next year. i know how i feel about you and i am sure of my feelings. i've never felt this way before or said this to anyone. i need you to understand this. this is important, julia. do you understand?

i nodded, the moment stripped so emotionally bare there was nothing you could do but take it very, very seriously.

but i also remember the one word that resoundedly landed in my head.

Crap.

he walked me to the station and made sure i got on the train, then said goodbye. it was the longest hug i've ever had with a one-night spiritual stand, a hug with teeth that gnawed on the hidden zipper within my chest. yes, i was scared to be here, scared to leave. the knowledge that this could be the close of our window, a surreal blip in reality where we had plunged into darkness together and found a familiar light within each other, hung over us. when i got settled in on the train, i was surprised and frustrated to have tears stinging my eyes. i knew he was sitting on the bench outside the train, because when i'd passed by the window, he'd been sitting there, long legs sprawled out, looking so sad. the train sat unmoving on the tracks for a good 5 minutes. i could have easily gotten off and changed the course of events.

but the point of the story is, i didn't.

even though i knew the moment i sleep and wake again, it will be a reset of my reality where the surface gleams and everything underneath could very easily be the colors and shapes of a dream.

3 meetings, two of them unintentional because i'd gotten lost. one night. two sane, intelligent people communicating their deepest thoughts. and yes, i showed him the real me. how is it, that these people can fall so hard and be sure they want to be with me with such intensity and sincerity, and yet i still feel so hollow? because i promised myself i would never let anyone ever catch me again?

what is the meaning of these things? what is the meaning?

i feel like a ghost, radiating the light of a broad, spiritual source, but in essence, just a tiny, forlorn paper lantern who doesn't know what she is outside of her function, blowing uselessly in the wind when the day breaks.

the message is real. everything i've said and communicated has always been out of a deep love and it's always been real.

even if there's a chance i may not be.

and like that, i have a date tonight.

i have no idea who i'm going to be.

i started thinking about how a mind learns today, and even though i maintained a B+/A- avg all the way through college, i know i was a bad student. i was just smart enough to slip through the cracks, though it's nothing i'm proud of. if i could do it again, with the aid of coffee or whatever i need to stay focused and absorb, i would. it's just that general learning settings didn't work for me.

this is how it went:

i was always asleep. like narcoleptic asleep. i could walk into a lecture and be asleep before the professor began speaking, waking up as everyone packed up to leave. i had a good way of disappearing so the teachers never bothered me, but i was rarely awake, unless i found the material drivingly interesting (anything related to psychology/spirituality, but not religion. therefore, i logged almost no waking hours in science classes, accumulated). i even knew how to prop my head up like i was reading, and could sleep through a whole class that way.

this was the worst in college. i could sleep so deeply as to be dreaming bizarre, quirky, fantastical dreams. they were like little video clips spawned by david lynch or dali that completely disoriented me when i woke up. often, i would doubt the existence of this reality because the other seemed so much more colorful and full of life.

i made up the knowledge doing all of the assigned readings with great concentration and diligence. all math and science homework i copied off guys i bullied into helping me with a playful dominating seduction. they really couldn't say no. because i knew i didn't deserve a good grade, i would study the night before the final to cram as much cursory knowledge into my short term memory, and I was willing to live with at worst a C in science classes. People have always been amazed at how I get away with test taking considering I basically glean very little from attending class.

i'm very good at retaining written word for a short period of time, turning ideas into mnemonics so i could pass any tests. I tend to forget shortly after. this was how i passed out of my language requirement while trying to graduate early. basically, i did 5 semesters at michigan (took fall of my 2nd year off when i tore my acl a few weeks in). i had some ap credits and went to school year round, taking classes at berkeley one year (for english requirements) then usc the next (film). i had to take a years worth of classes my final semester, and the only way to get everything in was to double up on classes, which the university didn't seem to notice. so one of the classes, i only went to twice--the first day to pick up the syllabus, the last day to take the final. (i crammed in the reading the week before the final). i was also simultaneously shooting an ambitious thesis film that took up almost every waking hour and severely limited the amount of sleep i got. at the end of the semester, as it looked like i was all set to graduate, i realized i hadn't fulfilled my language requirement.

michigan requires two years. i had taken the spanish evaluation exam when i first entered, and had passed out of two semesters. but it's not offered in the summer, so i would have had to come back for a fourth year of college, because of one class i needed in the fall, and one class i needed in the spring. that drove me crazy. the school policy is that i can only take the test once upon entrance. they wouldn't let me take the test again. i read through the policies and found a loophole. if i could prove that i had a learning disability and this wasn't accounted for at the time i took my initial language test, then they had to let me retake the test.

look, i'm not someone who likes to take advantage of things. but i needed to get out of school. the academic environment doesn't help me learn optimally and kills my self-esteem. plus, my family was imploding back in california and they were making me come home every month to witness the turmoil, and i couldn't take being tugged between two worlds anymore--my tumultuous family life from which i came, and the independent world of possibility where i was trying to find myself.

my brother has Asperger's, compounded by ADHD. i knew that when they had taken our CAT scans to compare brain function when we were kids, they saw the same activity in my brain denoting ADHD as in his. i remembered that. so it wasn't hard for me to take a test and get diagnosed. hell, anyone who has met me can probably tell i'm ADHD, unless i try very hard to focus and hide it, which is really mentally draining.

so i went back, showed them the diagnosis and paperwork, and i was scheduled to re-take the test a week after my graduation ceremony. so i walked, getting my diploma without knowing whether or not i would have to stay for another year just because of two classes. i did come to terms with it though. michigan only gives full degrees, no minors, but if i had to stay, i would just get a third degree in psychology. i only needed 8 classes.

i bought an ap spanish book to help me cram, and went in and took the test, praying that my short-term memory didn't fail me. i felt pretty confident about it, knowing i only needed 70% and i was done with college.

the guy fed my answer sheet through the machine, and when he came back, he looked embarrassed. sorry, he said. i looked and it said i'd only gotten 54% correct, meaning another year of school. i stared at it for a long time. 54%??? could i have overestimated the confidence of my knowledge and completely been delusional about my answers? it didn't make sense.

are you sure this is right? i asked him.

yeah, you failed. he said.

failed.

the most devastating word in my vocabulary.

and it came out of the mouth of some buck-toothed punk.

i felt my ears get hot and my eyes started stinging.

i didn't mind coming back for another year and getting another degree while i was at it (i loved psychology anyway, though i struggle with statistics). but how was it i scored worst than when i first took the test?

suddenly, i was confident that didn't make sense.

you need to check this again, i told him. there's no way i only got 54% on this test.

machines don't lie, he told me.

i thrust the sheet back into his hands. go check it, i said. like there wasn't going to be an argument.

he rolled his eyes and went back and checked. i waited with my arms crossed.

a few minutes later, he came back, apologetic. i'm really sorry, he said. i matched your answer sheet against the wrong test. you got an 83%. Congratulations.

oh my god. i'd graduated.

in the cheapest, most meaningless way possible.

so that's how i got out of college.

i wheeled and dealed. i took classes that overlapped, showing up just for the first day and the final to do well enough to pass and get the credit. i slept through lectures and then got the geeks down my hall to explain the information to me. anything that required writing, i was the queen of bullshit. words are seduction and i would write the craziest essays and papers in a few hours, always doing this stream of consciousness, typing as fast as my mind can go. I always wrote them within days of getting the assignment, often the same day, then turned them in weeks later without rereading. some instructors would call bullshit on me for not telling them in detail how i got from point a to point d. but for the most part, the stuff i was dropping sounded good enough for them to buy into. A's for anything written was easy.


the falling asleep was always a problem with lecture classes, but it was harder to hide in discussion. so the only way to get me to pay attention in a discussion format, was for me to have a crush on the instructor and intellectually spar or engage with him or her. sometimes it was shameful who i made myself generate crushes on so i could be motivated into proving i was intelligent enough to get a good grade. men or women, old or young, i fought hard in those classes to make myself interested and always got a's in those. i ended up spending as much time hanging out with graduate student instructors as my peers.

in hindsight, i think i realized if i didn't go fast, i would lose my momentum and get swallowed up by the academic system. it was just so hard for me to swallow information that way, and i struggled incredibly with focus and attention. yet, i'm infatuated with learning and collecting knowledge. i still continue to take classes to this day, around 4-6 a year because it's important in my life to continually expand intellectually. but i do feel guilty sometimes that i wasn't able to make the most out of my academic career, and even though i saved my parents a year in out-of-state tuition, i also feel like i wasted their money because i didn't retain very much academic information. i do have regrets about how i wasted my education and am constantly reminding myself that just because i can find loopholes and get out of a lot of situations, it can often be to my detriment because i'm missing out on the experience and what can be gained if i followed the rules and forced myself to focus.

best. balloons. ever.

Now Playing: U.N.K.L.E. - War Stories

It hailed on me today. I was trying to ride a bike and it was like having these searing heat-seeking missiles pop in your eye. I trooped through it until I couldn't see and it started feeling like a personal attack. Took cover and had myself some coffee.

This city is crazy. Very complex. I'm still wary of talking to people here. It's kind of like I can't understand where they're coming from yet so I don't trust them.

I finally hung out at one of the coffeeshops. Having a professionally rolled joint is like a fine cigar. It was a pleasant, tasty smoke and then the music seemed to be increasing in decibels. I looked up at the lightbulb and I could see halos around it and a sudden sense of euphoria. Then the room began to darken, and I saw the people walking by as these metallic silhouettes. I started to get really hot so I took off my hat, which made me feel exposed to the room. Now I had to smile at people who walked by and looked at me. The waitress took a good 20 minutes to make a coffee with cream, but my God, it was delicious. I stared out the window for a while, writing down words and phrases that popped into my head. An American asked if he could share my table. He sat down and pulled out a journal. Hmmm. We were both scribbling away and I took a peek at his. His handwriting is a scrawl, secretive like mine, a code read only by the writer.

I caught him looking up at me a few times but I would look away. His friend showed up and they switched to another table. He glanced over from time to time and I'm sure there was at least a cursory discussion here. But I ignored it. I got up and left without making eye contact.

See, when I start storing up energy the way I have the last few months, it means a connection is coming in. A big soulmate connection and an important lesson/test to be co-created. This person and I have a life-changing experience to share, and much work to do. Since you don't know who it is until you know, it's kind of like picking up a foreign exchange student you've never met at the train station. When you find the person, you'll just know, but until then, you question every person. These connections can be good or bad. They're intended for you to grow, but sometimes it takes a difficult experience for you to grow.

final exam: an open-ended forum to show the universe what I've learned so far at this point in my life. If I can stay strong and positive and pay attention, it will determine the types of challenges I'll be presented with in the next stage of my life. My goal is to show that I am projecting the type of energy that tells the universe that I don't have to repeat lessons and I'm ready to move on.

Right now, I'm thinking about everything and trying to come up with a focused statement of, what have I learned so far, and where would I like to go from here. And once I've visualized it, I have to project it into the universe for approval.

In the spirit of Amsterdam and my hotel room offering free hardcore porn, I decided to explore...

Things I Think Are Hot:

-Button-Down Shirts with Ties - call it a dad fetish or whatever. But when I see a guy with nice shoulders in a shirt & tie, all I can think about is taking it off. Doesn't work with old fat, married fucks, but any clean-cut guy in a shirt & tie makes me imagine taking his clothes off.

- Left-Handers - the minute I see someone is left handed, I automatically assume they're creative and hold some kind of right-brained secret knowledge that us right-handers don't possess. And I want it. I crumble at the hands of left-handers with dark, expressive eyes, and whenever a left hander is writing, I'm always staring at his hand like it's the most fascinating thing I've ever seen.

-Pisces - they are my poison. I feel like I was born part Pisces and whenever I want to express to them that I think we're alike, they crash me into the rocks like a ship caught in a storm. I can't help that I was born in the wrong place. I just want to join your camp for a little while so you can give me some pointers.

-Twins - I was in love with a twin for a long time. I would have had no problem if that relationship needed to involve both of them. They say that Geminis need two of everything. That's definitely true in my life. I even have two toothbrushes (both green). In terms of relationships, I can only handle one commitment. But as long as I haven't made a commitment, all's fair in love and war, and I think two is better than one.

-Candlelit Showers - alone or with someone else, these could take hours...

-Falling Asleep to the Sound of Someone's Heartbeat -this is one of the most comforting things in the world.

-Men Who Have the Ability to Get Up Early - because they can get up before me and make me breakfast.

-Thunderstorms - the best is to wake up at dawn on a Saturday morning to the sounds of a thunderstorm outside, and know you have nothing to do today but to stay under the covers.

-Hands - a guy once told me that he's never noticed a girl's hands before, but that I had beautiful hands. After that, I started noticing people's hands. There's something really sexy about a guy with strong hands and nimble fingers.

-Eyes - when I look into a man's eyes and it's like tumbling into a deep cave. You can glimpse an entire universe, moving through him like a powerful river. It's unbelievably hot when a man opens up so you can see this universe through his eyes.

-Lavender - brings out my soft, feminine side.

-Strangers - entire universes to explore with no obligations. Anything goes...

-Sports - adrenaline + sweat + physical contact + endorphins. You may as well have sex as the perfect afternoon cap.

-Wits - if your mind can hang with mine and you can keep up, then you've already mastered the foreplay.

-Kissing - I am totally orally fixated.