Home.

Was surprised that I only had one message (from an asshole trying to sell me something). I guess people have sensed I wanted to be alone with only my closest connections.

The airport was infuriating. The packed shuttles made me think of the concentration camp, how this wasn't even bad. It could be so much worse. But the terminal was a zoo and they lost my bag. I was most upset because I was trying to let Brian know which terminal I was in but my phone wasn't working, and then they told us they would confiscate phones if they saw us using them.

Had flashes of the things I'd felt in Germany, the scenes they try so hard to hide. I put those thoughts away.

I didn't panic about them losing my bag. Maybe I had accounted for this unconsciously by accidentally leaving my most important things at home, or keeping them on me. I actually expected that side of the universe would pull some shit like that. If the other side of the universe wants to hold my bag hostage, so be it. I've got an extra toothbrush. And everything else. Remember, I like having two of everything.

Brian was really happy to see me. He said the place had felt so lonely without me. That felt good. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own worlds, we forget there are people around us. I insisted on buying him dinner and we ate it hanging out in the living room.

It was actually less stress to not have my suitcase, so I didn't have it sitting on my floor begging to be unpacked. While he went out to meet some coworkers at a bar, I took a candlelit hot shower. There is nothing better than coming home and taking a hot shower in your own bathroom, then getting into your own bed with the sheets cooling your hot skin. Secretly, I wonder if I travel just to heighten the pleasure of coming home.

I started getting lots of messages and emails the last few days. It seemed that behind all the communication, there was a question of--was I coming home. I think people were afraid that I would stay, or that the I that they knew wasn't coming back. It made me think about how there's something about me that makes people sometimes have an underlying feeling that I'm someone who can suddenly disappear one day.

I was asked that this week. If I've ever had a relationship with someone and then just walked out without looking back. At first I thought, what a strange question. Then I thought, hmmm...he must know. I thought, yes. Once. And then I realized, it's not just once. It's every time. I guess I never wanted to admit that people can tell.

I think it's important to commit to the decisions you make, because if you can't stand by them, your weakness ends up hurting people more. But when I don't want to be in a situation anymore I leave, and I don't tend to look back.

But it's a complex question. I do look back. I wouldn't have left if I was sure, and I would come back, if I was sure. But I won't vacillate out in the open where the other person can see it or feel it, because that's how things get muddled and you make mistakes that hurt people more in the long run. But people...I think about people every day. I have dreams where we run into each other and catch up. So in a way, while I don't look back, in a private part of me, in a sentimental way, I never let go of anyone. It doesn't make it better, it just is what it is.

So back to the disappearing. Maybe I need to change that part of my energy. If a guy meets me and likes me but thinks at any moment, I'll walk away and he'll never get to explore this intriguing "What if," he's going to come on really really strong, convinced that this is fate and destiny. Because they need to have a strong enough faith and will to fight to get me to stay so they can see what this is. Of course, not everything is fate and destiny. You really only have one life partner, though many, many soulmates and a lot of soulmate work you can do efficiently without hopping into bed. Or maybe it just scares me because when people start talking this way without having gotten to know me, I just don't believe them or trust them. You come on too strong and fall too hard too fast, and I seriously start digging for character references. Because it makes me think something's wrong. Either you're crazy, or I'm being manipulated but either way, it could take you a lifetime to prove to me that something is real.

If I could change my energy to become more balanced and less with one foot out the door, these guys (at least the sane, stable ones) wouldn't have to come out so strong with their first step in a way that they can't back down. If they could come out in a restrained, friendly manner that's not like they're trying to devour me whole with their passion, with a little coaxing, I would meet them halfway. And it would give me more space to want to show them my world and who I am, instead of being terrified that someone unscrupulous (or worse...boring) is going to catch me and limit my autonomy.