sometimes it's okay and sometimes it's not okay.

i don't like how i'm not finishing things lately. like i haven't even finished the wang con recap.

i know i'm the type who likes to look before i leap with big decisions, so i want to make sure that i'm taking this time for contemplation and rejuvenation, not hiding under the covers freaking out.

sometimes i feel like sex is the answer but i can't tell if that's procrastination.

first thing this morning. i ignored someone. no eye contact. just pretended he didn't exist. because i don't like him. it's really that simple. then i gave up my car. stranded myself in santa monica. wish i had known i was going to do that. i would have worn more comfortable shoes. walked towards 3rd street stopping to read every home for sale flier and restaurant menu on the way. home and food. cancerian traits. hmmm. this smells like i'm in love. damn. but with who? surely not someone i know. a shadow...who's close.

like magnets.

went to borders. i knew the coffee girl didn't know how to make my drink, and even though i suspected it would be bad, i took a sip and smiled at her, giving her a polite thank you wave. when i rounded the corner spit out the whole bean that had been floating at the top. was distracted by every borders employee who wanted to be helpful. the guy who pulled a coffee table closer to me so I could put my coffee on it was particularly sweet though. am listening to every conversation and aware of everyone. is this what it's like to be out in public? don't want to make eye contact with too many people because i feel like smiling at everyone.

i walked. and walked and walked and walked. i explored the farmer's market. eddie had given me a monstrous avocado from florida. it was actually the most perfect avocado i've ever seen. and in a way, this was important because i have a feeling i will never see eddie again. i've been saving it until i could find the perfect way to eat it. i saw these unbelievably lively tomatoes and decided to make guacamole. of course, i've never made guacamole so i was going by inspiration. i bought the tomatoes and then an onion from two different stalls. i could have bought them at the same place but i wanted to support both. i saw someone advertising award winning guacamole. i squeeze in and sneak a peak at their label to check my work. I need cilantro. and a lemon. but i would rather use lime. there are no worthy limes in the entire market so i decided i would either search my fridge for that one lemon i swore i bought two months ago, or go without. decided to walk the few miles home.

then i discovered the santa monica library.

serene. something unadulterated there. reread this book about ant societies. it's subtly hilarious and my happy little secret. switched off between chapters of reservation road (large print, the only copy available but it reminded me of being a kid discovering reading again.) listened to instrumentals from soundtracks. was occasionally distracted by a homeless man playing a psp.

i have been way way too involved with people lately. but what they don't believe is quietly the truth, and what they believe is what's completely non-existent. must maintain balance.

what is infinitely small is also what is infinitely large. what is infinitely large is simultaneously infinitely small. just grasp it people. please. however you need to express it and communicate it, just do it.

ffuhb

we were taught that. fallible fucked up human beings. to be a psychologist, you must identify with this.

i was sad tonight. i was so, so sad tonight.

but i think it's stupid we have to pretend to be these ffuhbs.

let's start our own game.

the more people who participate, the more fun it is.

you either get it or you don't.

you'll either know it or you won't.

whatever it is that you can bring, bring it.